My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. He has been caught in several affairs that he claims are totally emotionless. I have read all of the infidenlty articles but non seem to address this direct issue in regards to affairs. I have discovered several issues within our marriage as far as needs being met, but am not sure that our relationship is recoverable any longer. Each time I have caught him he says hes sorry but doens't have any connection to the lovers except for sex and sexual pictures. I have read up on sex addicts and beleive he may have an addiction. I have brought this up to him a few times before but he dismisses it instantly. He also using pornography on a regular basis which also leads me to believe the addiction exists. I don't want to loose this marriage, but also don't want to live a life full of dishonest behaviors even though there is no emotional attachment. Help!

I feel safe in saying that my wife lost virtually all feelings for her OM over time. She freely admitted that. What kept her in his midst for a long period of time is the question? Fear. Fear of many things. Losing the cushy life she had. Losing him as a friend. Having to go out into the real world. And many other fears. Maybe somewhere in there was the fear of me discovering her cheating as well if she ended it.

Love is just one of the emotions that are met (or unmet) by married couples. Read the materials here and Im sure you'll identify a situation close to yours.

Your H has terrible boundaries around women. He needs to set up Extraordinary Precautions to prevent another affair. Porn and masturbation are another example of Independent Behavior that is destructive to the marriage.

Do you two have children?

Who are these skanks? Where is he meeting them? What are the conditions leading to the affair?

MB is about building a great and safe marriage; it's not about marriage at all costs.

Being sorry isn't enough. Your H has to commit to EPs for life and eliminate all the conditions that led to his affairs, for the rest of his life.

EPs are non-negotiable and are to prevent more affairs. They include transparency and an integrated lifestyle. He must offer Just Compensation.

Be sure and go to the Notable Posts section and read the Newly Betrayed Spouses thread. Read the basic concepts of MB. A good marriage has as its foundation the Policy of Joint Agreement combined with Radical Honesty. Without these crucial elements, there can never be a good and safe marriage, a blending of two people.

Read up and let us know what you think.

The reason it is not addressed is because there is no difference, an affair is an affair.

I would strongly advise you to give him a list of conditions that serve to protect you from his abuse. If he won't comply, you should separate and file for divorce. Your husband is an abusive, cruel man who will drive you into a nervous breakdown if you don't protect yourself from him.

The list of conditions you should give him:

1. complete transparency, ie: you have access to all his cell phones, emails, work phone, etc

2. commits to never going out without you

3. no opposite sex friendships

4. never be on the computer unless you are right there

5. never ever watch porn or masturbate

5. add any other conditions you see fit

In other words, he either makes a radical change in his lifestyle where you hold him accountable or you are not safe with him. Your husband is very dangerous to you.

Have you been tested for STDs?

Thanks for the reply. We do not have children. Most of these women are ones he used to know before he met me. Ex's mostly. They connect on social networking sites and he still has the same phone number he did 12 years ago so its easy to find him. I check his accounts regulary but I always seem to find something he knowns I would not approve of. I am just done with going thru his stuff on a regular basis and want a marriage that involves trust. I'll be reading that information from Notable Posts. Thanks again.

I have tried some of those restrictions before, but they never seem to stick for long. I have been tested, as has he, but since we never have sex I think i'm fairly safe. I didn't realize how bad it was until just this last few months. I see my self attracted to any man who shows caring feelings for me, including friends because of lack of it in my relationship. I feel like I at a loss as what else to do.

Trust is not required in a good marriage, but transparency is. It's counter-intuitive, isn't it? Trust helps us get into these messes in the first place. Dr. Harley says that we should NOT trust each other. Why? Because we're all wired to have an affair. So we should always be transparent with each other, and we should always be free to look.

Trust, but verify is the mantra here...

With the verification trust can come, as you see that nothing is happening, but even then it's smart to keep up the verification.

They didn't stick because there were no consequences. If the consequence is that he move out and get divorced he might feel differently. You can't lose by making that promise because if he changes, you have a marriage, if he doesn't, you will be divorced.

Did you read my post? That is what you should do. With that, you must also accept that you cannot change him. All you can do is make yourself not available to be abused anymore.

Don't tell your H about MB at this point, first of all. This is YOUR place to learn.

Is your H willing to live with EPs for life? Remember they are required to protect your marriage. Both spouses need to institute strong boundaries around the opposite sex.

Did you live together before getting married?

Here is what you should do:

Britt, welcome to MB. Sorry you are here.

I'm glad you found MB when you did. Not only to stop you from getting abused any longer, but also so you won't become a wayward yourself. You need to shore up your own boundaries so you do not has an affair of your own.

Listen to the great folks who have already posted to you, and follow their advice.