So what other things are you doing to affair proof your marriage? Is he traveling over night without you?

How much UA time are you getting?

You are going to tell the BH of the OW2, correct?

H doesn't travel without me. we are making a point of spending UA time together though i'm not timing it. i've already told BH of OW2, but OW2 doesn't know i told him. he's waiting till i get the info i want from her before he confronts her.

today is our "anniversary" but i told H months ago that our marriage ended when he started screwing around 12+ years ago. i'm doing nothing to celebrate 21st anniversary because i feel that date is meaningless now. he gave me a card this morning and wrote a note in it that he appreciates that i have stayed with him and that the worst is behind us. he's willing to do anything i want today but i'm just not interested in recognizing the date.

Sorry for the day wasn't a joyful one.

What's been going on? Did you give BH of OW2 the proof you have?

HAve you been into the doctor to get some ADs?

joyful day?! what is that? a good day now is when H doesn't drink and i manage not to think about A.

i gave BH of OW2 the proof the first time i met with him. i told him his WW gave me call logs but he hasn't asked for copies. i have dr appt tomorrow to get seroquel for sleep. i've been cutting H's seroquel in two but want my own scrip.

i think my main problem is turning loose of anger. i'm just so resentful of the YEARS that H spent screwing around. we didn't have sex for 8 - 10 years because i got tired of begging for it, especially since he wasn't interested in doing anything to please me. all that time, i just assumed he wasn't interested in sex any more. so i'm furious that he wasn't having lots of SF all those years i did without.

What's he doing about his drinking?

Have you seen this?

When to Call It Quits - Part 1
In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

he's doing what i demanded -- taking the antabuse medicine and doing outpatient rehab plus AA meetings. i went with him to AA meeting last night and we're going again tonight. he's totally on board with the plan, said he wanted to quit drinking but couldn't resist when he saw a bottle. the antabuse is a deterrent while the rehab and AA will help him get his mind right.

sorry i sounded so negative in previous post. was probably exaggerating, woe is me! i'm not ready to call it quits. he is trying and is meeting my needs better than before, except SF, which will have to wait on several health issues. we've done the questionnaire and are spending much more time together. marriage is much better than it was before dday except for my knowledge and resentment about affairs.

btw, i think marriage = ignorance because of the only times i hear the word bliss:

wedded bliss and ignorance is bliss!

Glad to hear you're being more positive. It's a tough row but it will get better with the MB's principles. Stay persistent.

Did he start his program for his drinking?

yes, he's been on the program for about 10 days, on the antabuse drug since last friday, 6 days. we're going to AA meeting in a few minutes. i went to al anon some when we were first married, 21 years ago, but it is so depressing. i much prefer AA and go to the open meetings.

Good job. Is his sponsor male?

I completely agree.
Calling his sponsor is. Allen accountability. Your counselor is coming from the angle that everyone needs to self improve. That's fine. But Aa has a program and It involves accountability.

Do you belong to AlAnon? Dr Harley encourages spouses of alcoholics to join a group like alanon. (I'm a member).
Basically it sounds like your husband is NOT working the 12 steps. Your marriage has. O hope if he is drinking and not a recovering alcoholic.

Why is AlAnon depressing for you?
Look at where you are today. Maybe you could benefit from AlAnon.

As a general rule, sponsors are same sex.

Look at your first paragraph. You only have a good day when your alcoholic doesn't drink? Dont you see that the disease of alcoholism is affecting you And ruining your life?
If you wait for the disease to be kind to you and make you happy you will die first

AlAnon teaches spouses of alcoholics to not depend on an alcoholic to meet their emotional needs. You speak of years robbed of sf. Your life is in shambles because of alcoholism and infidelity. And that's only what youve shared.

I know it sounds unbelievable but you CAN find sanity and a path to happiness through AlAnon. Please reconsider going. Listening to open night at Aa is great but you can watch that on DVD. If you aren't an alcoholic it won't mean Anything to you

his sponsor is male -- i know AA emphasizes this plus my conditions include no female friends, meaning no personal conversations. the "counselor" is the guy who worked at treatment center 23 years ago when H went into inpatient rehab; he heartily endorses AA and told H to do 90 meetings in 90 days to get back on track. so H is trying to do 90/90 plus meeting with counselor for personal sessions.

i may go to alanon tonight. H is playing in golf tourney after work so if i go to meeting, i won't see him but a few minutes after meeting. when i went to alanon before, i found it depressing because most of the people came there to learn how to fix their alcoholic. my H wasn't drinking, everything was rosy, and i knew i couldn't control anyone but me. maybe i'll get more out of it now that H is having problem.

the only real issue in our M now is the drinking problem because we've been working on everything else. my #1 EN is O&H, which he can't meet while drinking because he lies or deceives about it. with the program he's on now, including antabuse, even that is better.

after meeting at AA last night, i mentioned to a woman there that H is on antabuse now. when i told H he was very upset, said that was between us, dr and counselor, and he didn't want anyone else to know, including AA. i couldn't understand why he felt that way but apologized for telling. he has admitted in AA meetings that he had 22 years sober before drinking last year. why doesn't he want to admit antabuse?

AlAnon teaches a way of life, using the 12 steps to emotionally detach from your husband.
You NEED to emotionally detach from him. Your emotional needs are openness and honesty; an alcoholic (or any addict) lies about their addiction.
Example: Last nights AA meeting. "I dont NEED a prescription"...and ANGER at YOU for telling someone about it.

You cant fix your husband. Even making demands like the AA meetings, etc wont "fix" his addiction. He will always be an alcoholic.

Spouses of alcoholics, using the Al-Anon program, find that their happiness doesn't need to come from their alcoholic. Perhaps you can find openness and honesty emotional needs fulfilled by joining a church or religious gathering?

By using the 12 steps to continually self-improve YOURSELF and how you allow the disease of alcoholism to affect YOU will give you a peace that many within Al-Anon have come to realize.

"God grant me that courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference"

I hope you will try out Al-Anon at least 3 times before deciding if it will benefit you. Can you commit to at least 3 meetings?

Take care of yourself

i went to alanon last night and plan to go monday and thursday next week. after reviewing my old alanon materials, i am overwhelmed by all the character defects of my own that i need to work on.

of course, H will always BE an alcoholic. but he was a RECOVERING alcoholic for 22 years and wants to be one again. he doesn't WANT to drink. not sure i understand your "example" above -- he didn't say he doesn't need the prescription. on the contrary, he said the prescription is a good deterrent to help him resist drinking. he wants to quit drinking, he knows he's an addict. his doctor and AA counselor are helping him with meetings, counseling sessions and antabuse.

many people in alanon are married to recovering alcoholics who have been sober for many years. i was, too, and we both want to return to that, as well as have a better marriage than we did before.

i'm not interested in having open & honest need met by anyone other than H. in fact, i thought idea of MB was to have my top five needs met by H and his by me. i'm confused now!

You're correct in that you and your WH should be the ones that meet each others EN. Like Dr. H says that everyone we meet will meet ENs and so that's why it's imperative we protect our love banks from others making deposits.

Does that make it more clear?