Thanks jah. I'm glad you're doing great in your plan B. I think having these kids sad and affected is really hard. But they are so AWESOME! The girls both got straight As all year and are in the gifted program. They are sweet and poised and capable. My son is crazy clever and loving and compassionate and has the best hugs in the whole world (the girls don't mind me saying that because they agree).

I'm listening to Kelly Clarkson's Stronger right now. It's funny, I haven't been a pop music person, but I just can't listen to any of the old stations that I used to listen to with HAM. Remembering the comments he made about different songs just triggers me.

SO: I woke up with some clarity. Here's my plan: I'm going to rake his [censored] over the coals and let him know he doesn't mess with my kids. I'm going to contact my attorney on Monday and we will file our counter petition for divorce, and also a motion for temporary relief. I'm going to ask for full custody. I'm going to require a full disclosure of all of his mental health records and require a substance abuse assessment. I'm going to ask for supervised visitation at the visitation center until he can show stable mental health. I'm going to ask for immediate relief of a contribution from him for his destruction of the house. (I guess we'll have to go back there and get pictures...maybe I can get someone else to watch the kids, I don't want them to have to see that place again). Also, when I was looking through the mail and every scrap of paper left behind, I noticed that he has his mom's name listed on his insurance cards. So, I'm going to ask about a lawsuit against her. Can't hurt to file something, right? That [censored] has a ton of money. (Unfortunately she lives in another state...but with the insurance card information maybe we can file something against him and a joinder for her? I'll talk to my attorney. We can get creative. Where's the evil smile when I need it?) I guess the risk is that then she will continue to fund his attorney, but honestly, she'll probably do that anyway and he's got a crappy attorney whereas I have a great one.

And I think, just for my piece of mind, I'm going to send him a care package at his new address. I'll send him the card from the preschool he left behind with DS's carefully prepared "all about daddy" sheet. And the father's day present the school made last year which he left sitting on the floor. I'm going to send him the bag of dread locks he had cut off in the fall, and left behind (tempting to keep some for a voodoo doll...). I'm going to send him the wedding picture he left behind. And his ten year AA chip he left behind, as well as the big blue book/AA bible. Maybe a print out about dry drunks. Heck, maybe I'll send a copy of the regular bible as well that he left behind, with some choice underlinings and page notes. Oh, and maybe I'll send him the movie Pursuit of Happyness. We watched it while I was pregnant with DS and he started sobbing during the movie, because as he said, he was afraid he wouldn't be able to be a good provider for our child. Yeah, he knew himself a helluva lot better than I did at that point. I'm also going to send a copy of the paper with her address in his handwriting, and a note:

Thanks for leaving your forwarding address. I think you forgot a few things. Also, your son's heart is waiting here in pieces. I thought you said you'd never do what Rebecca's friend Melissa did and leave your son, no matter what? How about this movie...remember sobbing over the fear you'd be a poor provider for your child? If you think you're the daddy in this movie, you're wrong, you're the mom who gives up and moves away. I'm the steady, stable parent that DS knows in his heart he can always trust to be there for him. And just wait till you see what my lawyer has ready for you. I have so many witnesses against you it isn't even funny. Give your mom a heads up that the bill will be huge, but I'm not worried at all, I'll win. Good luck, and don't forget to use protection...because you wouldn't want to get manipulated by the liars you've surrounded yourself with into knocking some stupid woman up. She doesn't even make beautiful babies, and I'm sure she couldn't handle giving birth to a baby with a head as big as yours without loading herself up with all sorts of meds. And will she really be able to support and nurture a baby the next time you go off the deep end and become homeless again? Remember what a horrible job she did taking care of the pets we gave her? Where will you spend father's day if you have two kids living 450 miles apart? Last but not least, just so you know, Elisabeth and Jon are getting a divorce (they've already filed). So if you think you could divorce me and enter into a happy affairage without having fixed all of your issues, and have really convinced yourself that it's all me instead of your infidelity that is the problem, you're dead wrong. And your SON is suffering because of your foolish desire to have that tart instead of man up and be a parent. You know the truth in your heart. HAM, I am praying for you now...when you deserve it the least.

(I had an unmedicated homebirth with our son, who was 10lb 4 oz and had a head circumference the size of a three month old. His daddy has a big head. And I didn't even tear.)

What do you all think?

Just the idea of it all makes me feel sooooooo good.

No one messes with my kids. And I'm not going to let that tart get the best of me. I've already sent messages on facebook to our mutual old friends that he's at the very list having a physical affair with her, probably living with her, and was with her over father's day weekend instead of his son.

The last time I had to go through this (infidelity in my marriage) I didn't have MB and didn't expose. I was also 7 months pregnant when he moved out leaving me without an ability to pay the bills and living in a college town where he was in grad school, far away from any family support. I was absolutely devastated and didn't reveal them for who they are. And the fact that their marriage is finally over vindicates me (it sucked it lasted this long, but the woman is crafty and I know why. She waiting until her citizenship was established and until he was fully employed so she wouldn't have to pay him child support. Lo and behold, a few months after those things are taken care of and she boots him out the door.)

Oh, forgot to add, I painted my nails last night...a light sparkly blue. I haven't done that in years because I've chewed them for the last 30 years, only stopping a couple of times. But this time it's for good, and they look great!!

Oh, one very last thing: I know this is plan FU. But I don't care at this point, he's not marriage material, and the only way he looked like it when I met him was because he was on medication for depression which he ended shortly after I became pregnant with our son (unexpectedly, we were using protection but I guess it didn't work). (And I wouldn't have married him if I wasn't pregnant anyway. I also didn't know he was medicated and then quit. I just kept wondering why he couldn't keep things together like he had and my co-dependency kicked him and I spent years putting all my energy into patching up his crazy life.) I need to keep my family safe. And I think, honestly for me, I draw the line at a physical affair. I don't know that I could ever trust or feel safe around him again.

That last line, praying for you now when you deserve it the least, is a quote from one of his favorite Christian philosophers that he has said I don't know how many times over the years.

Oh, and they are now friends on facebook. Isn't that special? Wonder what I all the people I exposed to think of that? She doesn't seem to have quite as many friends as she used to.

JV, as a pediatrician, I'm happy to hear about your gifted kids, and that you are taking care of them, and that they are your source of support to keep going. REMEMBER THAT. Alot of what you are doing are for you and your kids now.

I am not a lawyer (I think you are one, aren't you?), so I have no idea what consequences it might have to do all those things you mentioned (AA chip, 'all about daddy' note, bible, Pursuit of Happines Video). I know it will make you feel better, but I think right now you are very emotional, and once you send it out, who knows if it will come back to hurt you. Think it over for a day or so and what is the REAL reason why you are doing it before you send it.

Other things like asking for full custody, requiring full discloser of his mental health, asking for supervised visitation, asking for contribution for the descruction of the house . . . these make more sense in seeing that you are protecting your children and your family.

I think I'm too much of a newbie here to be giving more advice than this, but try and think a little more here. You have every right to be pissed and angry, but plan B is supposed to help you have more clarity on why you are doing what you are doing.

I am all for protecting your children and you do need to file for everything. Can you file on abandonment?

But on sending him the letter why let him know what you're going to do ahead of time why the warning?
Have you read this? The Art of War by Sun Tzu

Thanks Jah. Like the addition to your signature, btw, I've always thought that myself

I'll ask my attorney for sure before I send it. But I don't think it could be a problem. I can defend everything in it as truth. And I think the little kernel of the father he was and husband he was needs to hear it. Plus I think I need to say it.

I also have a counseling appointment on Monday so I'll check with her as well. But she likes to see me proactive instead of a blubbering mess. I'm an action oriented person.

Oh, here's the lyrics to Hearts a Mess:
Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you, you can't live like this

You have lost
(too much love)
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It's not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart

You don't get burned
('Cause nothing gets through)
It makes it easier
(Easier on you)
But that much more difficult for me
To make you see...

Love ain't fair
So there you are
My love

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you, you can't live like this

Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But I'm desperate to connect
And you, you can't live like this

Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste
So you can wait
But I don't wanna waste my love

I am all for protecting your children and you do need to file for everything. Can you file on abandonment?

But on sending him the letter why let him know what you're going to do ahead of time why the warning?
Have you read this? The Art of War by Sun Tzu

Did you read this?

Sorry, BH, I hadn't read that when I posted and then drifted back off to sleep. Well, it's true in some sense that giving him a heads up might be a problem...but I guess I don't know what he'd do differently at this point. I can wait until I have the divorce stuff ready before I send it.

Can't really file on abandonment in Florida, or at least, takes too long (12 months). We last had "marital relations" in November, I think.

Yes, the art of war is a good thread.

I guess another thing is I really AM worried that he'll get this woman pregnant. Because, you see, my older daughter have a half brother who they love and only get to see a few weeks here and there. And it's hard on him, too, that other little boy. Plus...I could never, I don't think, interact with this woman. Just...I'm so angry with her. SHE KNEW US ALL! At least my ex's OW had not ever met us...she was a floozy too and using him for citizenship and had already abandoned her kids by leaving them in her home country (I pointed that out to WXH at the time), but she didn't know US, the kids and I. I also feel that I contributed, in a crazy way, because I could see her envy when I talked about my happiness. (Although I did talk frankly with HAM about it at the time that he started going to the co-op instead of me...I just had no idea that they'd stayed in touch and didn't have good EPs for us over facebook.)

Okay BH, how about this:

Thank you for leaving your forwarding address. I think you left some things behind, including your son's broken heart. I am praying for you even now, when you deserve it the least.

Write the letter and burn it (in a safe place! Don't start a forest fire). Write another one and burn it. Get it all out.

I don't think it'll be satisfying to have an AO on him. It just adds fuel to the fire. Take the high road, girl!

I know you're sick that he's off with the tramp. Just think though...she just inherited a class a FREELOADER. The bloom will fade from that rose quick and if it doesn't, she's signing up for a life of hell...a life you know all too well.

Let the chips fall for him and his tramp. Get back to a dark plan b so you can be the strong mother and woman you want to be.

Thanks zibbles. I appreciated your synopsis of my sitch on the other thread. And I think you're right. It's funny, he really hates that word/concept. He saw the Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders book and had to make a sarcastic comment about it. Once we were talking about the divorce/attorneys/etc., and I said I didn't want to have to make it ugly, but I would, and it would be easy to show him as a freeloader. He was pissed. But you're right. It's the truth. Especially after reading ML's synopsis (I have lent my book out to my sister...she needs to read it).

And it's true about what she inherited. My ex was not much of a provider either (yes, I see the pattern! But we were also young and he was in grad school). He ended up working hard for a year or two then freeloading again, only became employed just recently (I have a feeling she really had enough and he was trying to save the marriage...obviously didn't work). Anyway...I'd had this fear that he would be different for someone else, love her and his child with her enough to take care of them. But it didn't happen. And I'm facing the same thing today, but I need to assure myself it won't happen. HAM is not changing, his hearts a mess.

I'm just hurting for my son, and also for myself, because I guess this last thing really takes away all hope. You're right about wanting to AO and that not being the right way to go. I guess I'll just put a box of his stuff together and give it to a friend to keep if he ever comes back to town.

I did tell the church today he's left to live with a special friend and we're all hurting. Then they saw it, at least the ones that work with the kids: my sweet little boy had a breakdown and panic during the second hour when adults go to small groups. They had to come get me so I could comfort him. And even then, he was terrified of me leaving him. He's in so much pain. I want to protect him from his father, and really need to push the legal side of things.

And the house...I really think I'm just going to let it go. I can list it for a short sale, and see what happens, but I'm not going to break my back trying to fix it. I buried my marriage there, and it's just too painful. And looking it over this weekend, once again he ruined my previous work on the floors and I'd have to sand them down (again!) and start over.

You have a right to be enraged, hurt and devastated! You've been trying so hard to believe this can work that now you have nothing to hold all those feelings back.

I am so sorry, Jennifer. I have followed your postings from the start and it is so sad that he's willing to leave his son for some skank who believes his 'poor me. my wife is so MEAN' crap.

I know you're on to better things now...you just have to make your way through this emotional swamp and by all means, rough him up good in court. He has it coming...

Thanks zibbles. I did a lot of self care today, and shed some tears at church (they had a folk singer singing family songs, including Cats in the Cradle), and spent some wonderful time with my kids. I watched 8yo DD2 ride a bike for the first time! (We lived for the last three years either on super busy roads or back up in the woods, with no roads, so haven't even tried to teach her, much to my chagrin).

I'm comforting my son a lot today. He keeps crying and then getting a bit hysterically exuberant. I just try to love him as much as I can. 10yo DD is journaling and has been for a couple of hours this evening. She says she's getting it going with personal history, but I think that's a good place to begin...all her family upheaval, moves, etc.

i heard that song yesterday! such a tear-jerker. one of the teachers at my school uses it when working on the theme of rejection. i have a hard enough time with some of the songs i use!

glad to hear you're working on the self-care. whoo-hoo about the bike!


that's all we can do, love, all we can do. keep up the good work.

MB friends, I have been looking back over my thread about how foolish I've been. I've seen where, when I agreed to my husband moving into the other home on our property, you told me I was foolish to think I was doing anything other than allowing him to continue his affair. I also see now how, with my finances eventually devastated either way, I should have let the house go and entered plan B sooner. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men, right?

One thing I hadn't done is expose HAM to his extended family. He had only minimal facebook friends, as he'd closed and reopened his account recently and only had 17 friends, all but three were mutual friends of mine who knew what was happening from being told in real life. The other ones were people from his past that he had minimal contact with and lived far away. I didn't end up sending any facebook exposure to them. But I realized recently that HAM's brother defriended me after I sent him an exposure email. I didn't realize until just a couple of days ago that some of HAM's extended family is on facebook, and one is a friend of mine (we met last summer and I guess, he friended me then).

Anyways...would I be a fool to send an exposure email to them, now that HAM has actually moved to live nearer or with his precious? (Hey, that's a good thing to call her...in gollum voice, of course, "My precious") I've drafted one, it's long and detailed (as my posts usually are...sorry!)


Do I need to just let this go? Honestly, I've been wanting to defriend this relative because seeing his happy daddy pictures, knowing he's a relative of HAM's who probably has no idea what's going on, is part of a painful retriggering. But I'd rather do exposure before defriending, if that makes sense. I'd also send it to this relative's father, also on facebook (HAM's uncle) and HAM's brother, who recently defriended me. And I could also send it to other extended family of his that are on facebook. Am I just beating a dead horse, should I leave sleeping dogs lie, or as HAM's father told me a couple of months ago, which now makes so much more sense, since I'm sure he knew HAM's affair better than I did, is "the toothpaste already out of the tube?"

My honest opinion is that the letter is way too long; they might not read it all. I think you wrote it partially to get some anger off your chest.

Continued exposure is good I think, as long as you know the purpose. I think you should focus on your son's pain and needing his father to be around. Think about this carefully, though. Make sure you don't regret your WH being around your son; being out of your son's life might be the best thing, actually.

I love the Emmett Fox quotation. I'd take out stuff about WH's parents (kinda gives a poor excuse for your WH actions), the Phineas and Ferb relation (I bet nobody else knows about that), and the house stuff (maybe summarize it in one line?)

Jen, if you are getting triggered by HAM's relative, why haven't you already unfriended him?

Plan B is about you and your healing.

Many of the set backs in a betrayed's Plan B healing are caused by the betrayed not taking action to protect themselves from cracks / triggers.

And hugs to you and your son.

Now that you wrote the letter go and burn it.

Unless it's on your computer, then just delete it.

Jenn, many people who enter PB start to question if they did enough, and want to do more now.

PB means that you stop thinking about your WS and start living your life as if they don't exist.

Get into a true PB, and begin to heal.