I googled nicknames and found, "The Tick. He sucked the life blood from me while becoming bloated and gross." You might try googling for nicknames?

I'm sorry for your loss, and your kids' loss. I am impressed by your courage right now, and your determination to ease the way for your children.

Thanks for the direction, everyone. I am going to try hard to just be still, be dark, have peace, love my kiddos, live my life. I've been praying a lot, so that's good. And I do include HAM in my prayers.

I've had a counseling session for myself and for my daughter this week, and that was helpful in gaining perspective, even though it needs to sink in. DD's was good, I managed to get in with one of the best child psychologists in the area under my employer's employee assistance plan, so that was helpful, making the sessions free. DD was able to express her anger at HAM...that she wishes she could punch him in the face. We talked about it a little after. Also, the therapist recommended to DD that she write out how she feels to people in letters. So I talked to her about her writing her letters, and me taking the letters I've written that I need to burn, and us doing it one night after the littler ones are asleep. She loved that idea, and I think it would be bonding/healing for us both.

I've been keeping busy, and had a couple of beautiful days full of activity. I've had moments where my heart feels, not merely heavy, but full. We went to a Japanese steakhouse last night for an early birthday celebration for DD10 and it was so fun to get out, and I can eat when others put tasty food in front of me.

I know it will be all good, I know there will be peace. I've picked up my co-dependency books and been reading them for some perspective and that's helpful...there really is so much wisdom in them that helps a person entering plan B, who's been dealing with the chaos of another person interrupting their life for so long and now has to detangle from that mess.

I do think about HAM a lot, I'm sure more than I should. I know that he's headed for a huge fall, the honorable part of him that I married just won't be able to take this for very long. All the sex and admiration in the world can't overcome the pain of losing a child, and he's done that to himself.

I'm so glad you and the psychologist are encouraging your DD to write a letter to HAM.

This is why I suggested it to you, because I have kids that went through this same issue. The best thing they did was write a letter to their dad. I think she should send it to her dad. It's different for an adult to hear how devastated their kids are in them. Will this affect them or not? Who knows.

Stay strong.

Thanks for the suggestion about her sending it. The counselor thought she'd be more open if she doesn't feel like it has to go to him yet, because she's holding a lot in. But I'll definitely offer that to her as well. I have a feeling this will be a long process for her, the pain HAM has caused took a long time building up (basically, for the last year he's been rejecting the girls time and again).

Yes I hate to say it, but it will be a long process. The damage infidelity does to children is so sad. Look at some of the posters that do not have relationships with their wayward parents still to this day.

I think markos says he hasn't seen or talked with his wayward mom in 20+ years.

You need to be the constant rock for them. When they look back they will know what and how much you did for them. I am so gald you're getting help for them.

Uggh, woke up to a message from my IM over facebook about HAM contacting her. It caused a visceral reaction in me. I definitely need to keep as dark as possible for my health and recovery. I just have so much trouble not thinking of him, of our marriage, of him with her, of him with her children, etc.

He is apparently asking for our son this weekend. Too bad, so sad, I have plans. My IM said she was pretty sure I'd need to know where he was living before I even considered it.

Well...on to the 4th of July! Happy independence day everyone!

Oh, and he sent her a message via facebook because he "lost her email." So I'm pretty sure that the plan B letter and addendum went out in the trash. I reread it and am sorry I put that crap in there about the house being a poison to our marriage...no, it wasn't the house, it was his damn affair! Anyway...rant subsiding...for now...

Thanks Zhamila. I think I've settled on HAM--hearts a mess--for the Gotye song. I posted the lyrics on a previous page. But yeah, he's definitely a tick. Actually, with his failure as a provider, he's probably more of a LEECH!! YUCK! I'd sure hate to be in his shoes.

hmmm. like he couldn't get her email off her fb info page? ::whine::

we have a word here: DAG. dags are the little balls of poo that stick to a sheep's (or any animal) bum. ewww!

good for you w/your own plans! hooray! {{{{{jenn}}}}

Here's a radio clip about contacting the OW after the affair is over and sending her nastygrams.
Radio clip about contacting OW after affair is over at 5:00 min mark

Tell me what you think.

Interesting clip, BH, thanks. I can't even really think about the affair being over in any way I give a darn about (I guess except if it means my son is protected from the AP). But yeah, I'll be good and resist the urge to nasty gram if it ever ends. Let Karma get her.

Had a WONDERFUL fourth of July with my church, watched fireworks, and it was really great. Looking forward to a few days out of town with the kids on a mini vacation! Things are going well...I'm trying to keep myself even keeled. One week since I found out he moved today.

Jennifer,
My dad told me I should send a postcard every anniversary of my divorce to my wifes affair partner thanking him for taking her off of my hands LOL

I wont do it, but I wanted to share that when you mentioned the nasty grams

Haha, that's so funny! Yes, I probably should. To be honest, I've been very thankful about my ex leaving, and figured the woman who got him got her hands full, especially all these years with him only working part time. Oh wait, that's what this tramp is in for, too, right? Ah, perspective, soon I'll have a better perspective.

Going out today to buy an iPhone and get a new phone number! Can't wait!

jenifer, check out Sprint.
last month they gave me an Iphone4 (2 yr contract) if i also sign up for home service. its not advertised well

Cool, thanks for the tip! And I haven't been super impressed with my home service anyway...

So, a little bit of saga. This weekend I'm going to a theme park by my old area, and meeting up with some friends from the homeschool co-op where Tramp met my family. I just was talking details with a friend of mine (the one who had warned me about her back in the day) and she asked if the whole thing had blown over. When I explained it hadn't and that he had now moved down there, they were facebook friends, etc., she was really surprised. She said Tramp, in trying to do damage control after my exposure, actually said some really negative/derogatory things about HAM. She was going to see if she still had access to any of it, because she defriended Tramp a while ago, but it would be interesting to see. I might just have her put it in an envelope and give it to my IM in case I need it. But among other things, she made a very negative remark about a physical characteristic of HAM's...and I can't possibly imagine him not being bothered if he knew that's what she said/thought. My friend actually said she wished she had the post so she could send it to HAM, I said, by all means, go ahead. She remembers him being really involved with the kids and a loving dad and husband. She also was glad to hear of my strength in moving through all of this. It was great to catch up with her, and hopefully we'll see each other this weekend too.

Still doing lots of self-care for me and the kids, and it's definitely getting easier day by day.

Oh...a problem I could use some suggestions about. Sometimes DS wants to call HAM on the phone. The first time, I dialed and just handed the phone to him, but he's four and doesn't really understand unless a person answers. The second time, I send DD10 and him in another room and had her dial, but after I heard how she's feeling about HAM in counseling, I don't want to put her in that position. Today I dialed and he didn't answer, but called back a second later, and I just gave the phone to DS. But the fact that he was right next to me was really hard on me. Any suggestions? I don't want to make it harder on my son, but I don't want to burden myself or the girls with these phone calls. And he's a little too young to put on a schedule, plus I really don't want HAM calling every day, so that might not work well. Sigh, logistics.

Can you put his number on a speed dial? Teach your son which button to push?

Or can he read his numbers? Write it down and have him learn to dial. At his age it's important to start to learn phone numbers.

Then sit him down and practice listening for the rings/voice/message. He will get it if you work with him before he makes the calls.

this is a good scotty question. she handled this well. but i don't remember how :O(

Hi Jen, haven't been on for a while just catching up on your thread. Sounds like your doing well and getting stronger each day.

I think BH had a good idea. Speed dial would be helpful if you could teach him how to identify HAM on speed dial. Otherwise teaching him to recognise the numbers (unless he already knows them) on the phone and having HAMS number displayed may be the way to go.

My DS is 6, so I understand you wanting your DS to have contact with HAM. If he could ring direct it may save you from any setbacks.

Yes, thanks for the suggestions, we can try that (getting him to dial on his own or speed dial). I think one thing that is hard is at this point, because he's really grieving too, I don't think he wants to be alone when he talks to his dad. This is really painful for him. And I don't want him to feel isolated, either. He's already having a hard time understanding that I won't see or talk to daddy anymore, and realizes on some level that probably means the girls as well, and I just don't want him to feel like he's alone at emotional moments. Sigh. Maybe Scotland will chime in with how it worked for her.

When he called HAM yesterday, he was almost whispering, and he asked over and over, Daddy, where do you live? I of course couldn't hear the response, but I don't think he was satisfied. Then he asked about the pirate ship he wants back that HAM took. HAM told him (by DS relaying it, not me hearing it thank goodness), "I'll give it to you soon." Well, earlier this week he said he'd give it to him this weekend, but that ain't happenin'. DS was overjoyed when he heard "soon" because that really means soon in his book, usually he has me narrow down how soon, today, tomorrow, etc., but he got off with dad right away after that. But HAM is just going to keep disappointing him. I know I can't protect him from that...but I don't want him to feel alone as he deals with all the highs and lows of finding out who is father really is and what his father's priorities really are. I already kind of went through that with him last year when HAM detached emotionally from all of us and DS stopped wanting to spend time with him, he would literally cry when his dad picked him up from school or wanted to take him somewhere without the rest of us.

Of course, maybe I just have to accept it, and get him in counseling if need be. Thank goodness the child psychologist I took DD10 to also does play therapy with little kids, so that will be an option if need be.

I think Scotty could offer the best advice given her Plan B knowledge and personal experience.

I must admit my instinct would be to do whatever was best for my child's welfare and healing. Maybe you could wear headphones and listen to music whilst your son talks to HAM. That way you are with your son during the call giving him the security he needs, but you avoid hearing the conversation. The music may also be a great distraction.

I think it's worth considering play therapy for DS4. It would help him with the changes, loss and grief that are part of separation.