Can't figure it out and am losing interested in even trying.
We have gone 3/4 through hnhn and are at a stand still. I have already read the book as well as lb. It was his suggestion that we read hnhn together I had no problem because for years I tried to get him to read these types of books with only minor success. My h is very emotional. He admits this and as lived a lifestyle of others just having to accept him how he is...even if he is rude, mean or what have you. We have sort of over come some problems (not physical infidelity but definitely emotional infidelity). I was hurt, he was very sorry. Trust is still an issue for me. anyway, over the years we have a habit of me being the mediator between him and our kids. Sometimes he does ok but there is a hesitation that the kids have to voice their real feelings because they don't want him to "go off". They have witnessed him doing this with me and experienced it themselves. In no way am I saying I am innocent however, I usually try to be very careful in how I deal with him. I have argued with him. I am basically the only person in his life who can stand up to him. I'm not proud of that, just trying to give the background.
What's going on is I encouraged our son to tell dad how some embarrassing treatment made him feel and h shot it down and just defended his actions. After this h got angry with me because I told him he response was rude. He apologized but it was " sorry you feel that way" ie not a real apology. Then he was still fuming later and told me he wanted me to telll the same son about sow HE did something to offend him. I told h that " he should try talking to our son". He got angry and told me not to talk down him. That is truly all I said, I didn't say I wouldn't talk to him, I was just hoping he would be the adult and talk to the child. H gave the silent treatment for a few days. Personally, I believe that it is a challenges for him to harness his emotions and hates that I am usually calm ( this noted by everyone). He is the one who can punch my buttons though. H has been working very hard trying to make ends met and it has been hard. I know this is a factor. But everyone should have self-control right? We attempted to talk it but it was more of him telling me that I shouldn't tell the kids to talk to him about these problems because he is emotional. ?????? He then told me how I should handle the problem, basically wait until a" better time" The problem is no one knows When this "better time" is. It is total madness. We went back and forth. He expects me to be a meditator but I am burned out just trying to communicate with him one on one let alone continue to be to middle ground. I finally told him I can't handle things his way and that I quit trying to encourage better communication in our home. I will just work on my part. I also suggested tht everyone do that. He then tells me that he can't count on me. ????? Whatev....I just will not argue with him it's not worth the end result...frustration! The other sad part is there is a communication problem between him and the kids. In the fun times there are no problems, of course. That's all he can remember so he thinks he has no issues. If that were so, the kids wouldn't clam up when it comes to talking seriously with him.
He grew up with a parent that argues and talks endlessly and really drives him up a wall but he has turned out to be like that at times. Right now we are right back at neither of us saying much, me because of his overreaction and him because he thinks he never says anything right so he may as well just not talk to us about anything much. I think this is sooo childish!!!!!! What would you do?
Oh, and before you ask, I HAVE affirmed him when he has said or done good things with the kids, in fact he applauds himself too! (geesh!)

I would go back through Lovebusters and do the lessons in there. It sounds like that is the biggest issue in your marriage right now. You have the book Lovebusters, right?

I agree Lovebusters is an excellent place to start. A DH who will read and do the material is a great step.

I would also get His Needs Her Needs for parents. Also read this Caring for the children is caring for each other
Here are some excellent radio clips.
Radio clip on dealing with anger and the children

You might also complete these questionaires and exchange them:

Marital Problem Analysis Questionnaire

Love Busters Questionnaire (LBQ)

The only problem is I think I am the only one really taking the information to heart and trying to implement it. We are not even speaking now.

That in of itself is a Disrespectful Judgement.

I would work on eliminating Disrespectful Judgements if I were you. You are very disrespectful of your husband, and it's not going to get you anything that you would like him to give you.

It's already been suggested that you read Lovebusters. Do that. Concentrate on you when you read it, too.

The information in HNHN will not help at all as long as Lovebusters are the main problem in your marriage. There is no point in even trying to fill lovebanks if you are just going to consistently punch holes in the lovebank! It will drain faster than you can fill it.

Will he fill out the questionnaires that Melody posted? He doesn't have to talk until after he fills them out.

Also please listen to this radio clip.
Radio clip on lovebusters

What makes you believe that I am disrespectful to him?

And now he wants a divorce.

And now he wants a divorce

You were told before. When you said you were the only one taking this to heart, that was disrespectful.

The other evidence is that he wants a divorce. Few men divorce wives who love AND respect them.

Chances are, your Love Busters, such as Disrespectful Judgments have destroyed any romantic love he has for you. He has arrived at the point where he no longer wants to be married to you.

The question is not what makes us believe you are disrespectful. The question is what makes him want to be divorced from you more than his desire to remain married to you?

Work the questionnaires, eliminate your love busters and meet his emotional needs.

Love Busters put holes in the bucket. So you have to stop putting holes in the bucket before any deposits, I.E. meeting his needs, will erase the negative balance you've created in the love bank.

(Sorry, mixed metaphors!)

That's why folks suggested you work on Love Busters first.

So what is your plan to eliminate all Love Busters?

Here.
Radio clip on how to complain
Segment #2

My plan is to look to the Lord because you don't even know me. You don't even know why he said he wanted a divorce. My mistake for posting anything.
I'm done.

Why did he say he wanted a divorce?

Here are examples from your own words:


That was just at first glance. Then you asked "What would you do?" I told you what I would do. I would get the book Lovebusters and read through the chapter on Disrespectful Judgements. Then I would apologize to my husband for all the disrespect I've been showing him, and I would commit to overcoming that disrespect and building a new life with him.

OR ... you could just throw a fit and leave. Your choice.