I usually lurk, but have sometimes commented on people's posts and tried to give support when I felt qualified, but my name probably isn't really familiar to most of y'all.<P>It has been over a year since discovery for us - my H had a 6 week, intensely emotional and sexual affair with a woman I did not know. He is a performer and she came to a performance with a mutual friend of theirs. For the two years before that, I found out that he had had 2 emotional affairs.<P>As soon as I found out, I knew I would not kick him out. I told only my best friend, since I figured it would only be counter-productive to get our families involved if we were going to stay together. That was hard - there were a lot of times I could have used some unconditional love and support. My best friend still thinks I should leave, but I take her advice with a grain of salt when it comes to big life decisions. I have felt so alone throughout all this.<P>We have been in counseling for a year and I have been on anti-depressants, tranquilizers, etc. the whole time. Most days I just cruise along, too busy to worry much about it all, but other days (like today) everything just hits me in the gut. I think back over our 19 years of marriage (blissful, I thought and the envy of all our friends) and wonder if any of it was real. It all seems like an illusion now. My H seems remorseful to a degree. I never bring up issues of guilt because it doesn't seem fair to browbeat him, but I wonder if he ever really loved me and he has never said the things a lot of your spouses have said about doing anything to keep the marriage together and make it up to you. I never pictured myself divorcing, but sometimes I just wonder now. We are working with out therapist on a lot of issues, but lately I feel like throwing in the towel.<P>Sorry for whining, I just felt the need to talk to some kindred souls this afternoon.<BR>

Dancer,<P>If I interpret your note right, it sounds like your H has come clean. Is he totally affair-free?<P>If so, then you are way ahead of most of us on this board. I wish my H would go to counseling with me but he says there is no point "as long as he is involved with someone else".<P>So, I guess what I'm saying is that if he has agreed to counseling then it sounds like he wants to make the marriage work. That is a positive sign.<P>We haven't gotten that far (and I'm not sure we will). So, I can't give any advice on how to go about healing. But, from what I have read of Harley's work, it is definitely possible. Have you read all his stuff on the website yet?

Sidney,<BR> <BR>Thanks for pointing out that I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have had problems with depression since I was a child and this whole affair thing has kind of amplified them. H has come clean (I think), but it was a long, drawn out process. He kept lying about some things and the truth kept coming out after he "SWORE" he had told me everything. I guess it will just take a while until I trust him again. He told me that while he was in bed with her, it made him feel good to know that he was hurting me. Knowing that he set out to find someone and wanted to hurt me is taking a while to get over. I am glad he is willing to work on things now, though. <P>I'll try to keep things in perspective from now on.<BR>

Dancer it does take a while to get the trust back. It's normal.<BR>There are some things that might help restore it faster if you see he really is making an effort to strengthen your marriage and is being honest and open with you.<BR>The first one is to really want to get that trust back - sometimes it's just easier and safer to keep the doubts in hope that it will prevent future pain. Then you need to realize that although it happened he did come clean ( after a long painfull process most probably as it seems normal in affairs ) so he must want to rebuild. In that case it is important not to keep what happened alive in your mind, since it is already dead in reality. I know how difficult it is. I rememeber having no problems with normal everyday things but go crazy anytime unexpected things happened. I guess the only way here is to just give it a try, yes there's a small chance that we might get hurt again, but what if we don't? What if things will just get better? Try to concentrate on the positive things you see happening in your marriage, keep following the basic needs advice and deposits in his love bank, actually if possible talk to him about it and ask him if he can do the same.If needs are fulfilled and love bank full there is less chance of something happening again. That you can trust.<BR>And then think to yourself that you are choosing to trust again. With no trust a marriage cannot be 100% fulfilling.<BR>OF course, as I always say, it will most probably be a different trust from the one you had before ( which is good, you don't want blind trust, you want a trust that knows the odds so both of you can work together to prevent things like that ). <BR>An affair will depress anyone. Self confidence goes down. We are insecure. And when we are insecure we're scared of being hurt,and that fear will get in the way of regaining trust. I do understand whaat you're going trough. Try to regain your self confidence, do things that make you feel good. Change your hairstyle, get new clothes if possible , find a hobby. The more confident you are, the easier things will seem.<P>Keep us posted<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.