Be sure you are ready for Plan B. Have you set up an IM, your finances, planned it well? Has your IM read the Intermediary thread in the Notable Posts forum? Make sure this is all done, so you can go dark.

EXPOSE to all family and friends, even though he's not on speaking terms with some. You need their support. They need to know the truth of his life so they can put pressure on him to end the affair. Don't be afraid to do this.

Follow the MB plan, a step at a time.

Good for you for going to your doctor. Plenty of people go into a health tail spin while in contact with their foggy wayward spouse, losing weight too rapidly from loss of appetite, sleeping poorly. Take care of yourself.

The emotions are the hardest part but you have landed in a safe place full of support and great resources. Unfortunately I didn't find this site until nearly 3 months into her mess to learn how to deal and was reluctant to do what was suggested. The emotions played a big part in resisting as I thought I could "fix her" by doing things my own way.

My two biggest regrets were that I didn't find this site soon enough and not following the advice provided, please don't make that same mistake and take good care of yourself and your daughter. The pain is the worst thing I've ever experienced, but trust me when I say that it will get better with each day.

Here you go.
How to Plan B properly
Plan B letter samples
IM Training School
Parallel Parenting

Carrie, we can advise you of things that you need to do, but until you are willing to do the work, you won't get any results.

If you hop over to the operation investigate forum you will find a TONNE of threads that guide you through snooping.

Follow the advice that you have already been given, get snooping so you can expose, and then Plan A until you can get your Plan B prepared. That can be done with a week.

There's a link in my siggy that helps guide you around the site. Read up on it and ask any questions you may have.

If I were in an affair, the absolute best person to expose me to would be my wayward mother -- who I haven't spoken to in 20 years! I can't imagine anything more embarrassing to me than for her to think that I turned out like her.

I was a boy when I exposed my mother's affair to her wayward mother, not really knowing what I was doing, of course. Witnesses after the event told me that once I was gone from the scene, my wayward grandmother tore into her with a fury for having been so judgmental toward her over the years and then turning out to be a hypocrite. It was like a demon from hell finally winning a desired soul and gleefully ripping it to shreds in triumph in the most torturous way possible.

Never underestimate the power of exposure, even to people that you think will be no help. Just the fact that they know will put pressure on the affair that you can't possibly imagine or foresee.

Oh wow, that is very powerful!!

So I called my doctor's office to get an appointment so I can get some medication. They offered me an appointment on 07/18. Can you believe that, more then 2 weeks away. I had to get nasty and in the end I am still waiting for a call back. I am really beginning to think I am crazy about all of this. Everyday I find out something else that hurts me all over again. He knows that I know and yet he still won't admit to anything, why. I have confronted him with the picture of his truck in front of her house and the phone records showing more than 4000 texts between the 2 of them in one month. I sent her an email stating the I knew what was going on and of course haven't gotten a response. I still continue to see charges on the credit card that are consistent with their little escapades.

I have read through so many of these posts and it seems that when someone is confronted they then at least apologize if not say they are going to stop. It sure seems that my husband could care less about what he is doing and has no intention of stopping. I am about to give up any hope for it working out at all.

READ THE POSTS.
You are asking your husband for an apology?
You showed him a picture and credit card receipts?
He doesnt need to see picture or credit card statement. He knows he is havif sex with his whore.
We didn't tell you to do that.
If you want to save your marriage then you need to follow the advise offered here

Heck.....waywards have been caught in the act with other people and they don't admit it.

Don't expect him to do so.

Just learn all the marriage builder plans and implement them and keep on the narrow path of giving your marriage a chance to survive.

Ok, I am sure it is obvious to anyone reading my posts the I am not thinking clearly. I am not stupid but I am confused. I not sure what to do next. I am completely terrified to expose him to everyone. One of two things would happen, if not both. He would be so angry that he would make my life hell and never speak to me again and/or he would make it his personal mission to make things with my daughter extremely difficult. He can be extremely nasty and verbally abusive. I am very afraid of the back lash that would come from exposing him. I'm not strong enough. Does that mean I'm screwed. Help... please

You are not screwed.

If you have not read this thread
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

do so now.

It is the very best outline of how to proceed with the marriagebuilding plans.

It describes junctures of the plans and how they fit into an overall picture of what you will be going through.

While you read it and all other material (books).....prepare yourself to have financial funds to protect yourself. Figure out where the money is and how to get some squirreled away to live off of if your WH gets nasty as you stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Plan A while you continue to snoop and then, when you are in a secure space with finances.......expose.

If he is nasty about it, you hit a bullseye.

You have to become a fearless warrior woman to have self respect and to ever get his.

You are not screwed. You are not.

Preparation is critical in your ability to deal with this.

I forgot to mention in the last post. Two Fridays ago when I caught him in another lie I told him to leave. I told him I couldn't take the lies anymore. He said what I was asking of him, to not lie and come clean with me, was not unreasonable he just couldn't do it right now. What the heck kind of response is that. So I got our daughter and told him that we were leaving and when we came back I wanted to be gone. Maybe that was all stupid but I was at my wits end. He did leave and has only slept at our house one night since then. He is a firefighter so some of his nights away have been spent working but some I know some have been spent at her house. Maybe I pushed him right into her arms. But this has been going on since April and there have been plenty of other nights when he said he was working but I know where he really was. Maybe I have let all this go one just to long and maybe I have done all the wrong things. I just know I am getting walked all over and he knows it. If I don't expose him should I just give up.

Put money where only you have access to it.

I don't know if you are financially dependant on him or not.

If you are financially dependant on him, perhaps you could batt your eyes and tell him that you feel vulnerable and need some funds put aside to feel more secure. Do it nicely and with Plan A attitude.
If he gives you some marital funds, plan A a bit longer to make headway and then

expose


and proceed with the plans.

Basically, you need to stop reacting to each action of his with emotions leading YOU.

You need to get a handle on it all or you will get into a deeper and deeper hole of feeling helpless and hopeless.

I have talked to my lawyer and opened my own checking account. I closed out our joint savings account because he had already taken so much money out of it. He is spending money like crazy. He was saying things like "I know I need to be more financially responsible" but then would go and take another $200.00 out of our savings. I know I will have to have the separation papers ready before I go to plan B because he will drain all the money.

People actually come back from situations this bad?

The only chance you have to break him out of this evil spell is exposure.

Walk through the fear and do it. He will be angry but the anger will pass. If you don't do something to shine the light on his sick behavior, you're going to end up divorced anyway and maybe broke.

He is addicted to this skank and he's getting away with it. Get support from friends and family by telling them what's going on. It's your only chance here.

he is out of his mind and cannot be reasoned with. Break the spell with exposure!

Have you listened to what Dr. Harley says about exposure? Tell us what you think.
Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair
[/quote]

carrie, exposure is the scariest step. it is also your best weapon. we have a saying around here: your M can survive your WHs anger. it cannot survive with an AP.

if you have not read rainysweet's thread, i highly recommend it. she waffled on and on for tens of pages before she got the guts to do it. she is now the queen of exposure!

let's look at the pros. exposure will:

1. at his work, stop their physical contact. one of them will likely be transferred. everyone will be looking askance at them. your M will be supported by his workplace. his a will not.

2. in your community, will help support boundaries. everyone will know that the skank is a danger to Ms. you can bet the other wives will NOT want her in their Hs stationhouse. you will have support for your M from the other wives, and, surprisingly, from the other Hs!

3. kill the a. this gives your M the opportunity to recover. you can't start recovery until the a is dead. this will kill it.

cons:

1. your husband will be angry. so what? HE is the one who has behaved dishonorably. all you have done is spoken the truth. lifted the lid off their dirty secret.

2. ...

no, there is no guarantee. there are some Hs that are so fogged and brazen that they will continue with the a. however, the likeliness of this is FAR LOWER once the a has been exposed. the trick to having the odds in your favour is to do it asap.

i know you are scared to death to do this. the thing is, though, is that it's like conquering any other fear. once you actually take a deep breath and DO it, that fear fades away and suddenly you have confidence! and you will wonder why you were so afraid!

if you're thinking that our culture does not support exposure, you are right. but consider the fact that our culture DOES support adultery! it romanticises it, flaunts it, celebrates it. just look at the cover of any magazine, and you'll find some wh0re BRAGGING about how she's slept with a married man with no shame whatsoever. and people actually buy that [censored]! refusing to expose metaphorically aligns you with that kind of mentality. don't fall into that trap. it'll only drag you further down the abyss.

My brother in laws wife is coming over on Friday to talk with me. I let know alittle bit about what is going on and she offered to come talk to me. I really hopes she follows through. The only couple in our neighborhood that we are good friends with already knows everything about what is going on. I am very close to the wife and she has known all along. I know my husband is going to be very angry that his brother and wife know but she told me today in a text that we were going to be getting together tomorrow. My husband really just wants to keep everything a secret as long as possible.

Have you listened to what Dr. Harley says about exposure? Tell us what you think.
Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair

Did you listen to the clip?