To make a long story short this is the basic.
Recently went through another serious trauma with my husbands long time infidelity lurking hard in the background.
He does not ask me if he can go and visit his brother he tells me, tells me nothing, but sends an email to the pastor of a church where he plays drums when he's leaving and coming back.
Plus one of his cyber tramps lives 30 miles from his brother.

There is so much trash in my life sack.
1. Active Alcoholic 10yrs
2. Recovering Alcoholic 22yrs
3. Sexaholic ???????????????
4. counslers out the ying/yang

The only way he hears and acknowleges anything is through the voices of his peers.

Am I wrong to be freaking out? Crap is hitting the fan.

wow, rlw. it seems there's a lot going on.

basically, your H is not being O&H w/you, is that right?

plus, your M is not recovered, so you feel very unsafe. is that correct?

is your Hs waywardness still active? it sounds like he's had several PA/EAs?

can you please add some more info? i'm not too sure what your question is. is it "how can i tell my husband this upsets me?"

how long have you been married? do you have children? have you been told all you need to know about his adultery?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Dr. Harley has a wonderful path for recovering marriages.

Has your WH affairs been exposed? Exposure 101

Please read the links. Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses

Honey only the tip of the iceberg and this is probably too much info but here goes.
Right now this is what is going through my mind and my life has been so full of mind numbing, soul destroying traumas.

Married in 1979.
He joined AA 1989.
His first 2 affairs 1998.
2 children, 1 living_son, 1 deceased_daughter, killed 06-10-1999.
2004 hit rock bottom both physically-mentally with clinical depression and menopause. Maxed out on drugs.
2006-2010, his treatment of me had become unbearable, busted him on 5-16-2010.
In his words he says he is being open & honest, but our marriage is in jeopardy.
What do you do when you find out about a secret bank account? Said it was to buy me a diamond ring, something he has always said was a waste of money.
Waywardness ??? How do you deal with a man who is 3 classes away from getting a �Professorship in Computer Science�??
4yrs of cyber affairs with emotional ties with 3. Had been married to one lover in the online game called �Second Life� for 2yrs, but she called off the marriage after getting a note from me. Have the written proof.
Physical encounters - do not know, there are hours and hours of unaccountable time, he had accounts with local online dating services.
No, he has told me very little about the affairs and says things like �what do you think�.
HE KNOWS how upset I am.
He says he is sorry, but his actions say other things.

i'm not too sure what your question is. is it "how can i tell my husband this upsets me?"

My question is �how would you feel, how would you react if your husband or wife �told you� and �did not ask you� if it was okay to visit their relatives. "Did not tell you" when they were leaving or coming back, but told a local pastor�? Add to the problem one of their cyber lovers is living 30 miles from their brother�s home.
How upset would anyone else be or do I need to go back to my drugs?

Are you going to expose?

I would encourage you to call your sponsor and talk to her.
Your husband sounds like a serial cheater.
Is he drinking or using drugs?

For clarification I suggested calling your sponsor because dr Harley supports and encourages spouses of alcoholics to join support groups such as al anon

thanks for the addtl info. you have a full-scale wayward on your hands. i'm sorry for your pain.

my answer: i would be pissed off, but i would also be shocked that he thinks such an action would be ok. it is not acceptable behavior without the additional complications of the PA/EAs, never mind after finding out about them. it demonstrates that your WH does not care about you or your feelings. this is exceedingly detrimental to your M.

but really, that's the least of your worries. you have a long-term serial cheat on your hands, who is living like a single man with the benefit of a cook/maid/bedwarmer at home.

start by familiarizing yourself with MB concepts. read the 10 basic concepts so you have a working knowledge of them and their abbreviations. MB makes the whole seemingly-insurmountable task of marital recovery simple with the basic concepts.

also, you need to get the book, Surviving an Affair, as well as His Needs, Her Needs. you can get them from this site, or off amazon or any bookstore, really. summary of saa here

there's heaps more to be done, so that's just to start for you.

rlw, you sound like a really strong woman. you don't appear to be weepy or trying to shrug off the hurt he is continually heaping on you. that's good. it means we don't have to spend pages and pages of posts trying to convince you to act. read up on plan b.

your actions are what can turn this M around. are you ready to act strong and take the steps?

things are very quiet around here today because of the holiday. lookout for your thread tomorrow, as i'm sure when the vets get back from their 4th celebrations, they will have lots to say!

Been there, Done that, 1989-1994, walked out and never went back after an older couple had an argument over what restaurant to go to.

1962 at the age of 5 my grandmother by law became my mother, 1967 she became ill with cancer, it did not take long for her to become bed ridden.
After 2 yrs of my Mom taking care of her mother (Grandma), my Mom staring heading towards a nervous break down. I saw and understood this, so at the age of 12 volunteered to sleep beside my grandmothers bed so my mom could go home to her bed.
Everything was setup so I could take care of GM during the night.
Bottles were numbered, Pill scheduled, Flashlight, and alarm clock to get me up at the right times. My pallet on the floor lasted for 3 yrs.

Explain to me the "act of sacrifice and love".

After this, arguing over what restaurant to go to sounded so petty and just really could not relate to any alanon.

Had "no experience" with an alcoholic till I married one.

Have been trying to expose, but facebook, yahoo, flickr, etc. delete my accounts after someone complains. Checking on renting a domain, but need to find out about the legal side.
Snap shots & PrintScreen are worth a thousand words.
Posted some files of one woman's doings on flickr and sent the links to her grown children.
Posted files of an mirc session with a 19yr old on her comic book site in front of her friends.

Have had my hands on computers since C64. Pump my brain and I will tell you how to strip a computer of any and all files, even the hidden ones. Messenger logs, voice logs, unmarked images, etc.
75% of all files found on a computer can be opened and read in notepad or wordpad.
Learn to read how info is written, how it is stored and crap will pop out at you.

With the narcissistic self-center personality of this dry alcoholic, I could blow your mind away with what he has taught in AA and does in real life.
His AA handle is �Hi, I�m Dennis the garden verity drunk.�
If a �meeting� is self-supporting enough and have decent speakers, talks will be recorded and sold to the public.
There are quite a few CD�s out there with his name and one is dedicated to me, all of his AA friends made sure I knew how sweetly he talked about me,
a copy is in my possession. One month before I busted him he gave my name to a dominatrix and let her take me apart for her fantasy. I am the only one who really knows his lies.
No better than Sandusky.

Have you seen this? Please tell me what you think.

When to Call It Quits - Part 1
In addition to this excellent article here are some excellent radio clips on this.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

Thanks for sharing.

THANK YOU LETTY.

He cannot hear me but he heard you.

Hi J,
I read all the posts and this one stuck out:

"my answer: i would be pissed off, but i would also be shocked that he thinks such an action would be ok. it is not acceptable behavior without the additional complications of the PA/EAs, never mind after finding out about them. it demonstrates that your WH does not care about you or your feelings. this is exceedingly detrimental to your M."

Maybe Letty and you are right and I shouldn't have come until you and I had more recovery and you felt more secure in my making the trip. If that's the case then I really, really, really do apologize..........

He apologizes and that is it, no actions.
Time and time again have had to bring issues to a public forum because what I say is drivel and goes against what he wants.

In addition to the books already recommended to you, Love Busters is excellent. When FWH and I went through the MB Online course, LB was our first assignment. When read through the filters of the MB plan, finally my H could see that not only were the affairs a great offense but also his years of independent behavior, including a secret second life and dishonesty, angry outbursts. He realized he was, in his words, a "crappy husband." Anyone looking at us would have thought we were doing great, because I never told anyone. I never held him accountable.

But if my H had only agreed he was a crappy husband and then never did anything more about it, we would not have the kind of marriage we have today. He did a complete turn around and became completely transparent, instituted extraordinary precautions for life, shared his passwords, including his work email, and makes a concerted effort to meet my emotional needs and avoid love busters. I do the same. So now our marriage is on its way to recovery.

Figure out exactly what you want from your H and then draw the line in the sand. If he does not follow through with actions, then separate from him. Did you read the articles linked for you?

MB is a very specific plan to restore marriage. If followed, you and your H will one day enjoy a passionate, romantic marriage. If not, and if you stay, you will have a life of continued hell.

If we had followed MB, we would have avoided years of unhappiness. I would have either separated from H permanently and lost a bad marriage. Or we would follow the plan and have a great marriage. I wasted far too many years not holding him accountable.

God finally heard me,

You speak as though you were me.

Plan B was put into motion the moment he left.
Until Aug 1st my hands are tied. My 4yr old granddaughter is here and I will do nothing, will say little as possible to make her feel insecure, she is far to smart for her age. She sees and understand things like an 8yr old but can't verbalize them.

Trying to read, listen, write and keep a precocious child occupied is draining.

Hon, your opinion, please read, true story and not fantasy.
http://www.schooleyfiles.com/2006/10/johnny-lingo-and-ten-cow-wife.html

Tried so long to get him too see and understand. But he always told me it was not my place to teach him. Received a lesson from this that I have tried to carry through life.

Accountable ??? I feel as though he has left me no choice but too strip him in the eyes of man and let God try to rebuild him.
He sees and hears nothing until others speak, then he listens and is unable turn away from them.

Are you here for Marriage Builders advice?

AlAnon teaches "emotional detachment" from alcoholic spouses so that every day is not miserable. Even the drinking days. It is a 12 step program and has nothing to do with restaurants

You expose on facebook all at once. I sent out like 25 messages and my account never got shut down. You need to space them every 2 mintutes or so. Also ONE exposure.

Yes and I guess conformation that I am not insane.
Sorry for any babbling.