Also please listen yo these clips where Dr. Harley tells the BW she's in denial.
Radio clip on denial
Segment #2
Segment #3

Your husband has made it very clear that he is not interested in POJA.

Penni,


The only person that has promised to keep his vows to you is your husband. The only person that has broken his vows to you is your husband. No other woman has promised you anything.

Him breaking his vows to you is alarming and you making it sound OK is also very alarming.

I would understand your position to keep this crippled status quo IF you had no understanding of MB concepts, if you just didn't know any better. Most non-MB marriages are like that where one person is like your H, gaslighter and abuser, but let's say "normal" in conventional sense. But this normal is not MB normal, it is eating you alive. He will continue to be like he is as long as you let him to. You have to draw the line and let him know what is ok and what is not and make it happen, not just find other ways to deal with it. I hope you find your decisiveness and strength.

Here's another.
Radio clip

But your husband is not following the POJA. He is not following Steve's recommendation.

Following the POJA would include all the things that need to be stopped in order to protect your marriage from a repeat affair. Following the POJA would cover all of the concerns here.

But he is not doing it, and you cannot do it alone, you cannot do it for him, and you cannot win him over to do it.

Did Steve tell you to do something to try to motivate your husband to follow the POJA. Is there any chance you can talk with Steve again, or send an email to Dr. Harley on his radio show?

Your husband is not following the assignments, and it is taking a terrible toll on you.

When Dr. Harley has a husband not follow the assignments, he does not tell the wife to go into overdrive trying to get him involved by being spectacular on her end. That rarely works. Instead, he talks with the husband about his failure to carry through on the assignments:


Your husband has failed to follow Steve's assignments (POJA), and he has broken the feedback loop by dropping out of the program. Unless someone can talk to him (Steve, Dr. Harley, us, someone you know?) and get him to agree to follow the policy of joint agreement, I don't see a lot of hope here, and it's only going to continue to take a devastating emotional toll on you.

Penni, there is little hope for a wife to be able to just "hang in there" until her husband gets on board. That is not what Dr. Harley tells wives to do.

I can't get him to post on the board. I have told him I posted on the board and he was never interested enough to look and see what I was posting.

He says he is open to in-person counseling, so I need to find someone who does MB counseling in our area. I fear that he will not stick with that either, but it's worth a shot.

I have sent several emails to the radio show and have had responses.

What did they say to you?

Also if you're not going to do MB coaching at least follow this.
How to find a good Marriage Counselor

I was on May 7th, 2012, October 27th, 2011, June 8, 2011, and March 7th, 2011.

I mostly asked about specific issues and on May 7th my H stated his case and Dr. Harley responded to it. I can't access them now to listen again, though.

I do remember Dr. Harley telling me to continue complaining and to avoid DJs.

Here are the links to your radio show discussions:

May 7:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3826

October 27:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3335

June 22:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3007

February 17:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2624

Are these them?
Radio clip 3-07-11
I couldn't figure which segment was yours on 6-8-11?
Radio clip on 10-27-11
Segment #2 from 10-27-11
Radio clip 05-07-12

HDW has them. October 27th was in response to a note from my husband to the Harleys.

Penni,

Please go back and listen to your calls. Dr. Harley pointed out the things that need to be eliminated.

Your H's anger needs to be addressed. What is he doing for this?
Your H's IB
Your H not following POJA

You're right, Brain, those are the things that need to be addressed. He isn't doing much for them now but has said he'd like to work on anger management. I have suggested the MB clips on anger to him but as far as I know he hasn't listened to them. I thought about buying a biofeedback machine like Dr. Harley has talked about on his show, my husband might like that.

Have you tried recording an AO of his and then playing it back? Dr. Harley talks about a woman doing that and it was eye opening for the H.

You do this without his knowledge of course.

Yes, I have done that. He was shocked at what he said during the AO and surprised that I wasn't egging him on like he thought I was in the moment. I have done it three times and each time he said that it wasn't typical, that it's not how he usually acts when he is mad. I would say that each example was exactly typical.

He always deletes them right away so he knows how bad they are. The last time I saved it in a hidden folder on my computer before he could delete it, though.

I will keep trying to record them and maybe eventually he will start to realize that they are typical.

Can someone please link me to the last segment from yesterday? I can't figure out how to listen to it. Thanks!

Here you go.

Your letter was read in this segmen, correct?
Radio clip