BH,

She worked really late last night

That really stood out, what does she do at night?

She might be falling under someones gaze at her workplace?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Gamma,

She works at home doing writing work. In general, I am attentive to the potential of "attention" from someone else on-line but have nothing concrete on that, but I do keep watching.

Last night she slapped my butt playfully during dinner and she was back to being nice to me again. Maybe she just needed her coffee yesterday AM, I don't know.

I was listening to the radio show today where Dr. H talked about the state of conflict (after the state of withdrawal, not to be confused with affair withdrawal). He mentioned spousal love-busting behavior being sort of the norm in this state, although the spouse is also open to their emotional needs being met. She is in the state of conflict for sure.

Blackhawk

Which show was that blackhawk, any link to it

I think it was bnmt's call. I will link it as soon as it is in the archives, probably on bnmt's thread.

Just thought I would pop in and say hi since its been 2 months since my last update.

We just spent the holidays with her family for a couple of weeks. It was pleasant and the kids loved it. Our marriage continues in the same limbo: ups and downs but no real intimacy and she is not on board with MB, so I continue my plan A. UA is not what it needs to be as it is always with the kids and she does not want to do anything w/o the kids (although I do get us out alone together to do errands or do shopping about once per week for a couple of hours).

Steve and I have recently discussed going into plan B at some point in the future but no firm date and for now I am still in plan A. I have no evidence of an OM, but my snooping is not 100% fullproof either. We had a conversation at her parents where I got frustrated with her and point-out asked her if she was having a new affair, and she said no and that she is still in love with the dead guy. This conversation went nowhere fast and was turning ugly so I let it die. She was strangely very sweet and kissed me the next day though, first time in ages.

Two days ago I thought something had changed again as she started flirting with me and approached me intimately, but with the kids around we had to wait so nothing happened. But yesterday she is back to LBing me, complaining about what I do/don't do, and tries to argue with me about every minor thing.

Any help in understanding her behavior would be appreciated. Also, any help in diagnosing things I may be missing or should focus on would also be appreciated. I have not spoken with Steve since before the holidays, but plan to set-up a call later this month to touch base with him.

Well it sounds like plan A is working!
She is bouncing back and forth between conflict and withdrawal stages

What are her complaints?

Are you arguing back with her?

Yes JK, that's what seems to be happening. I am afraid though that one of the problems is her hanging on to the dead OM, he can't do anything wrong dead unfortunately. This just seems like a neverending battle.

I am now reviewing my LBs to make sure they are eliminated. Sometimes I falter and will argue with her once a week or so (and this arguing is not voice raised, but just not agreeing with her about something). It is frustrating. I need to keep focused on no arguing ever. Dr. H mentioned this on the radio show Friday, about eliminating all LBs 100%.

BrainHurts,

Sometimes I do still find myself arguing back, or respectfully disagreeing :), but she still sees this as arguing with her. I will stay focused on eliminating this as a LB. Usually, this stuff just rolls off of me now.

Her complaints recently have been 2 main ones:

(1) Don't ask her if she wants me to do something or needs help with something, instead just do it. She wants me to be more proactive in doing stuff around the house that she finds important, which is often different than the things that need doing that I find important. We had a part-time maid for years that did alot of the housework but WW fired her last year and gets angry when I bring up taking her back/finding someone new. She likes cleaning a certain way and does not want someone else doing it, plus she values the act of me doing it without her asking or me asking (which I believe is a demonstration of affection by doing an act of care).

(2) She wants me more involved in teaching our kids and also not asking her about stuff or her opinion, but again just do it. I am very involved with the kids but not in teaching things like alphabet, reading, etc. I prefer to read to them, play games, take them outside, sports, etc. I will keep trying to improve this.

I try to get her opinion on stuff to be respectful, but she almost sees this as unattractive and would rather I just do it. This is funny to me now, since last year she complained that in our marriage we had always done things my way and she just followed along (we have followed my career our entire narriage and she has been a SAHM the entire time).

She also seems to get annoyed when I try to small talk her by Skype during the day so I do this less often now. I still to initiate conversation this way with her but she resists.

Blackhawk

I see you were together before marriage.
Did you live together?
I lived together with my ex wife.
After reading the book Buyers Renters Freeloaders I realized that we were renters out entire marriage.

Were you and your wife ever buyers?
If so she may not want to be a buyer. She may want to remain a renter

Blackhawk,

I don't recall if you ever got a full confession or a polygraph from your WW. At this stage it's like she is holding on to some imagined golden age in her life, and the OMs death has made him heroic.

That your WW still loves someone else means she has no intention yet of recovery.

God Bless
Gamma

That your WW still loves someone else means she has no intention yet of recovery.

BH, do you have an end date for your career as a caretaker "Wack Job Happy Farm" where WW chooses to reside? Seriously, sixteen months carrying a torch for what is by now moldy worm-food?

Yes JK, you are insightful. We lived together 2.5 years before marrying and frankly she was a buyer when we first married, and I was a renter big-time although did not realize it until I found MB. She does want to remain a renter for now it seems.

There was a time when we were both buyers at the same time after our first child. After our 2nd child things started to deteriorate and she tried to get us to work with a counselor, and she complained but I did not listen. There are no excuses of course for what she did, but there are reasons and I am at fault for withdrawing after our 2nd child and not listening to her complaints. Painful lessons indeed...

Gamma,

She confessed the day he died, but not everything. The rest I found out by reading their e-mails later.

And yes, this memorialization is keeping us spinning our wheels.

BH

So what do you think about what Steve says about Plan B? What do you think about it?

NeverGuessed,

Moldy worm-food, I like it))

Steve and I have discussed plan B in alot more detail in our last 2 calls, but we have not discussed a set date. For now my energy level is ok so I am still in plan A, aka "wack job happy farm."

Well, plan A as long as possible with WWs, right?

So you don't want to put an end date on it?

I have not yet. Steve has told me to go as long as I can and as long as my energy level remains ok.

I'll ask him what he recommends later this week. It is a good question. I assume I have been able to hold out this long in ok emotional shape because there is no ongoing affair (with a living person that is!).

Well why not?
The scumbag is dead so it's not like shes out screwing him.
Eventually your love bank deposits should come to fruition