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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.

Thanks. Why work so hard at trying to get my wife to love me and then ruin it with a 60 second attack. Pretty stupid if you ask me.

Yes. Our emotions make us do some pretty stupid things sometimes.

Basically, our instincts make us want to act in a way that will push away the person bothering us. It's a protection mechanism.

But because we are married to the person we are pushing away, doing so will have tremendous negative consequences! (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE DECADE)

So we have to override those instincts and emotions with intelligence and rationality, like you are doing, and work a plan to change the things that are making us emotional and irrational. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The relaxation will help with all the love busters.

I bought a biofeedback device recently, on Dr. Harley's recommendation. Last week I wore it during a stressful IM conversation with Prisca. It was amazing -- every time I tabbed over to the IM window, the tone on the meter went through the roof!

Dr. Harley says I can learn to control this and stay calm all the time. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by markos
I like your plan, and the analytical approach you are taking.

It's got great promise.

Thanks. Why work so hard at trying to get my wife to love me and then ruin it with a 60 second attack. Pretty stupid if you ask me.

You got it, Hilltopper.
Have you heard Dr. Harley talk about relaxation exercises?

Yes I have. When I say attack I don't mean AO, I mean something disrespectful in a stupid attempt to get what I want. This particular one referred to her as "a drag to be around" when referring to her getting stressed about the kids and house. Yeah I know I was a real jerk. I'll see if I can relax myself next time I'm feeling neglected.

I have found the relaxation exercises to help with DJs, too, not just AOs.


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Originally Posted by markos
I bought a biofeedback device recently, on Dr. Harley's recommendation.
This may not be a bad recommendation for you to consider.


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Here's the article where Dr. Harley mentions biofeedback devices. It's from a fairly new newsletter he wrote:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hill ... part of the problem I find .. even with myself, is if i am feeling desperate for my wifes attention (ie SF) she is turned off by it. I have learned to not feel so desperate and just work on me. You need to stop emitting desperation. THAT energy will drive your woman away (drives mine away)... its unmanly.

To kill your desperation.. its not any specific thing that you can do .. its in how you THINK. THINK and ASSUME you are the great catch ... this will emit a more masculine energy towards your wife. STOP walking on eggshells ... BE A MAN. Eventually you will feel more empowered as you self improve.

Start acting like a Prince charming or The Great Catch!. ASSUME your wife is attracted to you(even if she seems like she is not .. act like she is anyhow). DONT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS. IF things dont boil out to your expectations and your advances are rejected ... ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES and just let it roll off your back. Stop being a doormat for her and if shes disrespectful .. or rejects you .. dont fret it. Walk away and try again later! Rejection is better than regret! (regret for not at least trying that is). DONT appologize for your desires or your masculine acts! (after all she doesnt appologize for her feminine acts)

Do your best to look good, and smell good, Be decisive, even about the little things (have an opinion about everything) but dont do it for her .. DO IT FOR YOU. Work out and get some mass on you. Find your Humor and make your wife laugh whenever you can.. Look for situational humor ... poke fun at her in a gentle teasing ways and welcome the teasing back. Be Cocky/Funny when you can (in a respectful way).

Heres an example of cocky/funny that works well when used properly and in the right context, tone of voice and mood.

You: Tonight is your lucky night
Her: Oh really? Why is that?
You: Because you finally got to go out with me
Her: Sure! (if you said it right, she's going to be smiling by now!)
You: But no touching - *I* do all the touching!


This attitude adjustment will get you going down the right track all the while you start to incorporate your wifes needs into the bigger picture using marriage builders tools. After a few weeks of your new attitude (your wife will test you several times to see if your new attitude is for real or not) .. stick with it and MB and your wife will come around once you pass all her tests.

WHen PMS week comes .. and period week comes ... give your wife some grace for her out of wack horomones. Keep track of them (i use my note pad in my blackberry to track period start and end dates and set an alarm ahead of time for my wifes PMS week when i think it will start) ... especially note when you think PMS week will start so you can prepare mentally for rolling with the punches with her attitude.

You have alot in your favor ... just gotta fix up your desperation and start acting a little bit more masculine. Combine that with the MB tools that you can incorporate on your own (since your wife is not really on board with it) eventually she will start to notice you more.

MNG

Last edited by MrNiceGuy; 07/06/12 02:50 PM.
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Quote
Heres an example of cocky/funny that works well when used properly and in the right context, tone of voice and mood.

You: Tonight is your lucky night
Her: Oh really? Why is that?
You: Because you finally got to go out with me
Her: Sure! (if you said it right, she's going to be smiling by now!)
You: But no touching - *I* do all the touching!
That would be a real turn-off for me.

I'd be careful about a cocky attitude unless your wife has told you specifically that she enjoys it.


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Yeah .. i can see that ... its just an example. And as i said .. those moments you have to feel out first. Make sure the mood is right .. set the tone of the day with lots of humor.

Heres another one. Of course mood and timing has to be right. smile

You: do you like ice-cream
Her: yea....
You: on what part of your body?? :P

Just be playful and fun... and stop making everything so serious. Lifes too short to be so serious all the time .. takes the fun out of everything. :P

Edit to add another example.

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Yeah .. i can see that ... its just an example. And as i said .. those moments you have to feel out first. Make sure the mood is right .. set the tone of the day with lots of humor.

Heres another one. Of course mood and timing has to be right. smile

You: do you like ice-cream
Her: yea....
You: on what part of your body?? :P

Just be playful and fun... and stop making everything so serious. Lifes too short to be so serious all the time .. takes the fun out of everything. :P

Edit to add another example.

I think you bring up some valid points about asking desperate being a turn off, but Prisca is right, some of that stuff may not go over well. I was as cocky as they came when we were dating and she even reminds me about how I was more interested in getting promoted at the company we worked together than interested in her.

The ice cream is a 100% no and a total turn-off to my wife. It is funny we can be around friends and she laughs when a friend of mine might say stuff like that to his wife, but when I do it she doesn't like it at all. Maybe because she isn't in love with me? smile

I do think she is in "like" with me, not "like, like", but definitely "like." hurray

Be that as it may I need to stick with one single focus right now which is to eliminate the DJ's day by day. I don't have the capacity to work on all of it at one time and in the past I often felt overwhelmed by trying to be "perfect" at all times with her. If I can just prevent myself from being an occasional jerk then I should solve half my problems.


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Aldo do you know her top EN?

How much UA time are you getting? What are you doing during this time?

Dates?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Aldo do you know her top EN?

How much UA time are you getting? What are you doing during this time?

Dates?

H&O

UA time has been lagging during summer with kids staying up later.

We go out 1 night a week, tonight being that night for four hours and always have a fabulous time.


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Well my friend .. moods are infectious ... WHen my wifes mood is all down in the dumps I don't let her mood change mine. I can often times let her words/bad mood roll off my back when she "attacks me verbally for whatever random/various reason that wives generate" and let her know that I am not going to feed into her crap or fight with her ... she gets mad at first says some nasty things .. but later thanks me for not putting up with her crap and tells me it helps her get out of her funk.. True Story!

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Well my friend .. moods are infectious ... WHen my wifes mood is all down in the dumps I don't let her mood change mine. I can often times let her words/bad mood roll off my back when she "attacks me verbally for whatever random/various reason that wives generate" and let her know that I am not going to feed into her crap or fight with her ... she gets mad at first says some nasty things .. but later thanks me for not putting up with her crap and tells me it helps her get out of her funk.. True Story!

Yes I believe I have a low tolerance for bad moods because I grew up in a house where my Dad would effect the entire house based on his mood. Yes I need to master ignoring my wife's mood. It is also worth mentioning that any DJ's that come out are related to her being Disrespectful to me numerous times which builds up, OR because I feel neglected and ignored. We don't fight about much of anything other than retaliation or when I bring up that I'm unhappy.


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I was as cocky as they came when we were dating ...

And then she married you right? .. where did that guy go? where did the guy who rolls with the punches go? The laid bacj guy who is not desperate but still enjoyes time with his wife so she doesnt feel pressured.

I am not saying use my exact lines of being cocky/funny .. you must cater to your wifes humor... those were just examples.

If you are not happy with yourself ... and feeling down and desperate and emitting that energy to your wife ... how can she respect that? Stop placing your happiness on your wife. BE HAPPY YOURSELF... however you can accomplish that. This will infect your wife!

Think about the things i have said ... and do not regurgitate your emotions over hidden expectations that you place on your wife. Take ACtion!

Good job on making headway on your DJ's !

MNG

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Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I was as cocky as they came when we were dating ...

And then she married you right? .. where did that guy go? where did the guy who rolls with the punches go? The laid bacj guy who is not desperate but still enjoyes time with his wife so she doesnt feel pressured.

I am not saying use my exact lines of being cocky/funny .. you must cater to your wifes humor... those were just examples.

If you are not happy with yourself ... and feeling down and desperate and emitting that energy to your wife ... how can she respect that? Stop placing your happiness on your wife. BE HAPPY YOURSELF... however you can accomplish that. This will infect your wife!

Think about the things i have said ... and do not regurgitate your emotions over hidden expectations that you place on your wife. Take ACtion!

Good job on making headway on your DJ's !

MNG

I hear you loud and clear. I'm very happy actually. Financially things are amazing. My kids are growing and developing and I love being a Dad. I'm an active runner and my wife and I support each other in races rather than fight each other which is how it used to be. In fact sometimes when we have sitters we run together. When I say I'm unhappy I'm specifically talking about my marriage. I want to be in love and be very into each other and I know this is possible. On the outside looking in it appears my wife doesn't have that same need or desire. She never says she is unhappy or at least very rarely.


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As an alternative to ignoring her mood, I would say focus on learning to be calm regardless of her mood. Her moods and feelings are important for you to recognize and respond to! It's just important that if she gets emotional, you do not become upset, or worse, abusive (demanding/disrespectful/angry). Even if she becomes abusive.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Please listen and tell us what you think.
Radi clip on DJ/AO
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by markos
As an alternative to ignoring her mood, I would say focus on learning to be calm regardless of her mood. Her moods and feelings are important for you to recognize and respond to! It's just important that if she gets emotional, you do not become upset, or worse, abusive (demanding/disrespectful/angry). Even if she becomes abusive.

Yes this is a good point. I asked myself just yesterday, "what would I want/need from my wife if or when I was in a bad mood?" The answer was understanding and acknowledging my problem. Historically neither one of us have shown great care or concern for the other when it comes to stress, being in a bad mood, or even being sick. We joke about each other being the least comforting person either one of us know. The truth is that it is not a joke, it is actually very very sad. We have gotten better at this skill, particularly me. So since my wife is in a bad mood usually a few times a day my plan is to acknowledge and understand the cause of her moodiness diligently rather than try and provide a solution(that'll get you nowhere) or to get irritated that "she's in a bad mood again."


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***Roll Call Day Two - This is a NO DJ Zone***


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Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
I was as cocky as they came when we were dating ...

And then she married you right? .. where did that guy go? where did the guy who rolls with the punches go? The laid bacj guy who is not desperate but still enjoyes time with his wife so she doesnt feel pressured.

I am not saying use my exact lines of being cocky/funny .. you must cater to your wifes humor... those were just examples.

If you are not happy with yourself ... and feeling down and desperate and emitting that energy to your wife ... how can she respect that? Stop placing your happiness on your wife. BE HAPPY YOURSELF... however you can accomplish that. This will infect your wife!

Think about the things i have said ... and do not regurgitate your emotions over hidden expectations that you place on your wife. Take ACtion!

Good job on making headway on your DJ's !

MNG

I hear you loud and clear. I'm very happy actually. Financially things are amazing. My kids are growing and developing and I love being a Dad. I'm an active runner and my wife and I support each other in races rather than fight each other which is how it used to be. In fact sometimes when we have sitters we run together. When I say I'm unhappy I'm specifically talking about my marriage. I want to be in love and be very into each other and I know this is possible. On the outside looking in it appears my wife doesn't have that same need or desire. She never says she is unhappy or at least very rarely.

Does she run with others?
That is recreational time. Who does she run with when you don't have babysitter?
By the way, I'm an avid runner too.

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