So been married for 14 and a half years and I've decided that I can't do it any longer. My husband has always been very controlling only now it's reached new and interesting levels that even our young children are worried about. We have 3 kids under 10. I've been a SAHM the entire time. He makes good money and spends it how he damn well pleases too. He gives me next to nothing for food/clothing etc for me and the kids while he buys a boat without telling me.

He told me a few years ago he was attracted to men. We worked through it (or so I thought). He's become obsessed with hunting and fishing (daily and almost quit his job because they wanted him to attend a very important meeting on opening day of Elk season). He started taking "legal steriods" and working out 3+ hours a day every day. When he was on his "off day" he and his new best friend that he literally spends 10 hrs a day with would go to the casino buffet or other place and have $ dinners while I was at home with the kids. It goes on and on.....

So after I asked him for counseling and he said no- it doesn't work and he wouldn't do it, I contacted and attorney. My husband said there wasn't anything wrong and if I wanted out I could just walk away, but he wasn't about to change anything. Now I'm in the waiting period before the paperwork is filed and he is served.

Honestly, I scared of how he will react (as I said he's very controlling) but he's never laid a hand on me- he just doles out lots of emotional abuse instead. BUT I honestly have no idea how he will react to being served. And I'm told by my lawyer to get him out of the home, it will take a court order which will take 2 weeks. So it could be that I will have 2 weeks of hell with him here knowing that I want out.

Any advice for how to survive this? I cannot leave as I believe he would try to change the locks.

Thanks in advance-
River Lover

River your H's behaviour is controlling because he is incredibly conflicted and afraid. The best thing you can do is be open and honest with him. Explain to him gently why the marriage has to end and how you plan to handle the next few months so that your children are disturbed as little as possible.

Lawyers love conflict and court time, try to see if you can avoid this and mediate as much as possible. The emotional abuse will not have any effect on you once you have decided the marriage has to end. If you can get him to agree to leave rather than forcing him out, you will be far better off.

I don't want to scare you but my uber controlling XH fought the divorce for five years. We are divorced now and I am told that it could take me 10 years to see any of the money. Try to avoid this route if you can.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read the basic concepts on this site?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

If you leave and he changes the locks, that is a minor set back...he legally can't keep you out of the marital house without a court order. You could call a locksmith if you have to.

What state are you in? Many states will issue on order for exclusive use of the marital home when papers are served.

Huh? Did we read the same post?


Not all do. It is important that a divorcing party doesn't let the lawyer drive the bus either. Don't blindly trust an attorney...there is a balance.


Is this conflicted and afraid?

My vote goes with some stbxs are just bullying aholes

I agree with BR.
Have you read this?

How To Plan B Properly

I don't want to TJ the poster but Dr Harley talks about very controlling behaviour, what it means and why it is often seen when a wayward is in the throes of an affair as this man evidently is. The WH's Taker is in override. When unexpected events such as a surprise divorce filing or a unilateral exclusion from the marital residence occur, this can trigger events that are very traumatising for the children such as break-ins, forgery, larceny and knife threats. Yep, yep, yep, I had all the above.

As the fundamental problem is a lack of trust, if you can avoid triggering the fight or flight panic of a controlling person you have a chance of keeping them rational which will protect your children.

Boundaries do not work with these kinds of people, they just regard them as a threat.

Well in a nutshell I did it. I had him served. He seemed relived at first but doesn't want to pay me support. He's driving me nuts with the uber controlling behavior (I had to borrow money from my parents to buy groceries) but hopefully he will settle just to get out.

Been doing what I can to keep things "status quo" for the kids and him so as to not set him off any more.

Well done, keep telling him how marvellous he must be feeling :-)