AI, glad that you checked in. Remember, there are MANY here who have walked the path ahead of you. They can help you through whatever feelings and thoughts come up. Lean on them.

Are you guys getting 20+hours of UA time? What are you two doing for UA time? This is an important step to help you through.

Don't worry too much about "positive thinking" right now. You are still in that very raw & wounded stage.

You are correct, every step IS a step. And that's the way it will be for many, many months.

The trauma at this point seems to be: "Everything I thought I had is gone. Everything I thought was real was fake." It's a completely naked & vulnerable position. The "up-side" of this is .... being emotionally naked and vulnerable makes every moment important. Which is why I am about to suggest the following ......

It's not so much that I think I did something wrong, as that I realize I was foolish. I let denial lead me. I can trace my mistakes all the way back.

I confronted him with nothing but phone records instead of investigating further, giving him the opportunity to delete ALL the evidence and make a go of pretending it was an EA.
I didn't expose it because hey, it was just an EA.
Determined to make our marriage great, I swallowed a lot of the pain and embarked on what I realize now was essential a type of plan A - being the best wife humanly possible, meeting needs, having a good time, while telling him he could tell me the truth if there were any secrets left...we could recover from anything as long as we had HONESTY. This exhausted me to the point that 3-4 weeks down the road, when he confessed they'd slept together (WAY downplayed and with a lot held back), I flipped. For a couple of days I let a lot of lovebusting fly before I got control of myself again. But the damage was done - to me it was an expression of severe pain about not just the betrayal but the LIES. To him it was punishment for telling the truth, and a signal there was no way I could handle the REST of the truth he was holding back.

I let the poly drop when he agreed to it but said how upsetting it would be and how damaging to our recovery if he had to go through it.

I didn't draw a line or make a decision about what I would tolerate for SO LONG. I muddled along in pain hoping it would get better and WANTING TO BELIEVE the best of him.

It took catching him in another BIG lie for me to get a clue. To draw my line, insist on the poly, completely ignore all guilt and manipulation.
That was EIGHT WEEKS of lies, insanity and torture. That he should NEVER have done, he holds the responsibility for his actions.
But that I could have PREVENTED. Because I hold the responsibility for MY actions and protecting myself.

I should have taken that responsibility from the start. That's what I mean about doing things wrong.

Thank you Scotland. Your thread is one of the first ones I read through when I first got here. Your strength and ability to follow a plan and know yourself are very inspiring.

We've had a crappy week for UA time due to the baby cutting her molars. Lots of nightwaking and interruptions, poor kid. She seems to be feeling better now, thankfully, so we can get back on track. I agree that this is probably the most healing thing we can do right now.

Hey! Apparently we are doing one thing right!

It's not hard. It feels like it should be but it's not. Everything else is harder.

I'll try the shirt thing. You've peaked my curiosity.

Hi! Thank you for asking. Nothing has changed. There has been absolutely no movement on his part. He has not asked for forgiveness, told me he is sorry or tried to make up for anything. He still says he didn't have an affair and doesn't se eme in the role of wife. I am really worn down. I just don't want to take care of him anymore. I am the glue that is holding the family together, and tht can't be very well, because I am falling apart.

What do I want to do? I want to get this out of my life. It isnever going to change, and I want to get clear of it, find myself, and be the best mom I can be for my boys.

Financially, it is very difficult b/c he gambles so much. We don't have any extra money. I HAVE to get myself and my boys out of this. I have been in this way too long. His words go through my head all the time. I have no peace. I haven't for most of our marriage. That rattles you.

What exactly is plan C? Is that what I have been doing by staying in this horrible marriage?

AI we are not handed a book at our weddings to tell us how to handle it when our spouse has an A. So for most of us we have a period of time wallowing around not knowing WHAT to do before we figure it out.

I had a year of trickle truth, another year+ of Plan C. I did a million things wrong, before I came here, and then I continued to do things wrong for awhile after I came here. The time I had wasted haunted me for awhile, how I could let our M just be in a state of confusion for SO LONG. But then I got here and started reading and I was years ahead of other people in finding out how a GOOD M works. Many people never find MB, have A's, get divorces, or have bad M's at the least. We have been given a gift of having the MB way help us get through this time and help us create M's that will be respected by many.

So don't beat yourself up. You are doing great with the hand you have been dealt.

AI, let go of your self-recriminations, okay? Someone (Pep?) posted recently, "I've given up wishing for a bunch of perfect yesterdays!" or something similar.

You (like any of us) at any time have a finite amount of emotional energy. Save it for what is important now - processing all the hurt that is on your plate, and managing your re-convergence with TRT. Regret is a leak in your EE bucket that you cannot afford.

And btw, just because I'm a grammatical nudge:
You've peaked piqued my curiosity.

I will look for those books. Thank you so much for the suggestions. I used to be so strong. I actually have tabled the infidelity. This is so much more than that!!! He is not able to connect. He doesn't have healthy coping skills. He avoids any and all confrontation. He can't say, "Hey, It hurts when you do this. Or, It makes me feel this when you o that." He would rather cut me to my core tho by telling me that no one likes me, or that I am socialy unacceptable, failure as a mother. It is hard to keep your head clear in a life like this. It is NOT!! I have to clean this out of my life so I can be the mom my children need me to be.

AI, I am so sorry that you are going through something similar. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for trying to help me while you are dealing with your own pain.

What else are you realizing. I get a lot from reading other's posts b/c it is very difficult for me to identify what I am feeling and why sometimes. It is pain, and hard to break down.

hi ai, i'm so glad to see you back. as pep said, you have been in trauma. to extend that metaphor, while you are now out of the OR, you are still traumatized, broken, bruised, and hurting. you are still in the hospital until your wounds have healed somewhat, with some hospital-based therapy before you are well enough to be discharged. and once you are home again, you still need some heavy duty rehab to get back into normality. your posting here will help you so much. so will working the plan. please don't beat yourself up over the last 10 weeks. you are here now, in a much better place than just 2 weeks ago.

ITA w/pep's "show me" box. yes to all of that! it may be hard the first time, but it gets better and better after that. (wait, i think i saw above that you've managed the first time already - good!) as much as the two of you can manage with small children. you'll practically feel your injury starting to knit.

take a deep breath, because the drama is going to stop now. you've been riddled with it, and sometimes the drama itself can be addicting - can you feel your adrenaline spiking when you check his phone or email? your body has become attuned to the adrenaline rush when you find yet again something else. and you may even be disappointed when you find nothing; that TRT is actually doing what he's supposed to. you are going to have to retune your body so it stops doing that. you will be healthier for it.

give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back. you two have come this far. what is it, about 10 days now? you are 10 days into recovery, and today is another whole day! well done! try, really try, not to worry too much about the future (believe me, it IS much easier to say than do). worry only about today. you can cope with today. thinking about when school starts, or thanksgiving, or xmas, or even tomorrow, is way too much to deal with right now. keep it simple. and give yourself a mental high five for having made today. well done, ai, well done. {{{ai}}}

Plan C is compromise. Putting up with badness to stay in the marriage. Not drawing a hard line.

Get a new bank account and keep your money separate.
Ask family if you and your boys can stay with them while you get on your feet.
Get the verbal abuse books and refuse to tolerate another word. Walk away. He can say whatever he wants, but you don't have to listen.

You can do whatever you need to. Trust yourself.

Thanks guys.
I'm not really beating myself up, although I can see how it might seem that way. Just reflecting, mostly. Now that I can see it clearly...while it was happening it was such a murky, confusing mess. Reflecting not to hang on the mistakes, buy so I can be sure not to repeat them.

And peaked/piqued...DANG IT! See what infidelity and psychological trauma get you?! Silly writing mistakes on top of everything else!

Thank you so much Letty.
You've been so helpful to me through this insanity, and you've got a lot of wisdom to share. I really appreciate it.

You're totally right...your body gets used to the drama and adrenaline. We've had a couple of days that have been very peaceful and calm and even enjoyable, and it's almost felt...wrong. If that makes any sense. Very strange feeling. I'm ignoring it and enjoying the good stuff as much as I can.

We're two weeks past poly day. If we BOTH follow the plan and work hard, it can only get better.

So, after a couple of really good days, I caught TRT breaking an EP. I was looking at his phone and saw he'd deleted the Internet history. BAD.

I casually said "Hey, it looks like you deleted your browser history?"

And he made up a complex lie about his phone crashing while he wa reading on the Internet and him losing all his info.

I didn't freak out but I knew he was lying. I told him it seems extremely far-fetched that an iPhone would crash and lose nothing EXCEPT the Internet history, and if by some chance that DID happen, it seems very unlikely he would fail to mention it to me, knowing that deleting the history is breaking an EP and would be a problem. And that if there was something else going on here, I'd appreciate him telling me.

He stuck to his story for a while, then finally admitted he deleted the history to hide the fact that he'd been looking at porn (ANOTHER broken EP).

These are relatively small things in the grand scheme, and I know he thinks I shouldn't be as upset as I am. But the fact is, HE LIED. He was willing to break EPs and lie to my face while I'm still reeling from the mountain of BIG lies. He's still willing to do whatever he feels like and lie about it, and protect himself at my expense. And he did it while he was being REALLY good to me and I thought he was really getting this and starting to understand what he's put me through.

That KILLS me.

On top of that, today I had to go to a wedding shower. It was strange. Hard. Lots of mixed feelings and triggers. Feeling so broken and violated while watching people who are in a shiny happy phase.

And then this was really weird to discover, but I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable around women I don't know well right now. I kept feeling kind of...hostile. There was this little part of me wondering...would YOU sleep with a married man?

It was an UGLY feeling, and it made me ashamed. The trust I have in humanity is so shaky and bad. I feel so damaged.

Sorry for the vent-fest. Going for radical honesty.

No they aren't, Al. Don't lower the bar by telling yourself that either.

Perfectly normal. I'm sorry you feel like that...the ugliness is hard to deal with. Vent away.

AI,

Sorry about the recent events. Breaking EPs is big, viewing porn is bigger, and making up lies to cover it all up is biggest yet.

My husband does not have internet access from his phone. It is blocked at our service carrier. Much of his affair was via telephone and internet and all of our false recovery was via internet and his mother's telephone. So, one of the things I need to feel safe is for him to use only one computer in our house.

Your husband has not been posting lately. I think he believes that since he passed the poly, he can go along without changes. He needs to get back on ths forum.

And regarding the wedding shower... There was a period where I could not understand why anyone would want to get married. And I understand your feelings while at the shower.

I remember being in a restaurant at lunch not long after D-day. There was a chummy couple sitting close by and my first thought was that they were married and were cheating on their spouses.

Unfortunately, being a BS colors the way we look at the world. It will get better though.

AM

AI, that was a terrible breach of yout trust and he won't hold on to your fragile lovebank that way.

He's a danger while he feels that entitled he can do what HE wants at YOUR expense and he clearly feels EPs are 'negotiable'. Danger, danger, danger.

As for your losing trust inother women - totally normal.

There was a minute after Dday where I looked at my own angel of a mother and thought 'if my best friend and husband can sell me out - are you capable of hurting me too?'

But losing that automatic 'you should trust people' nonsense and replacing it with 'can I see anything worth trusting in you' is fantastic and I wouldn't change it.

I quickly saw that my mother does things which display her trustworthyness, unfortunately I spotted friends and acquaintances who don't.

Sometimes you meet people and you get a funny feeling straight away. I trust that instinct today more than I did in the past and it hasn't steered me wrong yet.

These are major breaches, AI. Don't downplay them He has NO WIGGLE room when it comes to EPs.

It has really concerned Markos and me that he hasn't been posting. I had a feeling something would be up.

Kick him to the curb. He's not serious and not worth it.

How do you know that he was JUST looking at porn? How do you know that he wasn't talking to another mistress? We know how he did before the polygraph -- give a few truths, and keep other truths secret.

Go to Plan B. You are on the road to a false recovery.