This is what I found from Scotty's thread. It looks like her DSX2 did mostly email and they could call dad when they needed to. She also had her home phone ring a certain tone when he called.

Thanks BH, you are so amazing at finding things!

Just got off the phone with HAM's most recent employer. He had a lot of interesting things to say, but definitely thinks there are some psychological problems he has. Then I called the place HAM'd told that guy he had a job, and they said he hasn't worked their in six years and they do not, as a rule, rehire.

Hey, I have caught up, and I see that you have already been given some great advice.

I like what Happy said about the headphones, because I was thinking the same thing. The hardest thing I had to deal with was hearing my WH's voice. I also make sure that I do not talk, at all while my children are on the phone. Now, I don't have to deal with all of that too much, my DSx2 don't even talk to their father unless he is on his way to get them.

What I would do is tell your son, at a different time, what he is supposed to do if no one answers, if an answering machine picks up, etc. Then have him practice by calling your cell phone, or a family member or friend, and let him hear what an answering machine sounds like.

I often left the room, and locked myself in the bathroom while my DS12 was speaking to his father. Also, my DS12 would go to his room, and speak there, but if your son wants you around, the headphones will be the best option. Show your son how to use the phone, set up the speed dial so your WH's number is first, and as others have mentioned, I have a phone that lets you set a special ringtone for numbers, and his is the only one that is set up differently, so I don't even need to look at the phone to see who it is(I have almost accidentally answered). If you can't do that, and you ever accidentally answer the phone(as I once did on my cell, since it doesn't have CD), just hang up.

It might be easier for you to have your WH call your son at the same time every day. I would also allow your son to call his father any time he wishes, knowing that he may not answer. Just tell him what to do.

And make sure that you don't tell your son that his father loves him, or is busy, etc. Just deal with his feelings, say things like, "I'm sorry that you are sad that you didn't get to talk to Daddy today, would you like to play a game?"

Eventually, your son will get into a routine, and won't need to talk to your WH as often.

Now, let's deal with these holes you have. You should try to consciously be trying NOT to talk about your WH to ANYONE. And why are you calling employers? You are putting big HOLES in your PB, and this will cause you to stay stuck. I don't want that for you. Have you heard of the Loonie Jar?

Well...I called the employers to get info for my legal case. Yeah, I know it wasn't the best. But it was also sort of healing for me to know that, yes, his work life was as crazy as his home life. I'm lining up potential witnesses...of his leaving projects unfinished (my house, the church fence, the boat he was working on) of work that he turned down (not working as much as he could have and voluntarily leaving this boat job, 5 people from church who offered him work and he didn't take the jobs), and his erratic behavior and lying. I also really wanted to know if he's working now or not...he's told a couple of people he's working at "his old boatyard job" so verifying that he is not at least let me know where that stands. Any of this legitimate enough to break plan B?

I went back and re-read the journal I was keeping before I posted here. It was really helpful...to see how much I wanted to be free of him and his craziness and cruelty so many times, and how gaslighted I was, and thinking about how his affair was probably going on that whole time (or at the very least, in the background). So...in the midst of the kids and I having fun, and me recovering, I am also seeing this as big progress over last year at about this time, when I was absolutely miserable and confused.

Court is a battlefield and you need to act as strategically as possible.
Contacting employers is fine if it helps you in your case.

That's what her lawyers are for.

She's in Plan B and shouldn't be talking to anyone about HAM.

I just can't afford to pay my attorney $250 an hour to find out things like that. Honestly, finding out all of these things makes me feel better. Really. It feels like part of the scales falling off, if that makes sense.

Also, my friend couldn't get the info off Tramp's facebook page...because she deleted everything before re-friending HAM. But, it does mean that all of her friends 1) got exposure emails from me 2)got derogatory comments about HAM and major denials from Tramp 3) saw those comments deleted and 4)now sees HAM as a new friend of Tramp's. Nice, huh? It sure makes the whole natural death of the affair seem more likely. Also, I really do love the fact that he left a good paying job for unemployment far away from his son. It just...really helps my case.

Everyday, these things, along with all the fun I'm having with the kids, and feeling in general like withdrawal is proceeding for me (not having any actual contact with HAM), I'm starting to feel a lot better.

Learning to emotionally detach yourself during this process helps immensely.
AlAnon is very good at teaching people how to emotionally detach from others. I have used it with my wife and it helps a lot

Yep. When Plan D is in the works Plan B can't always be 100% dark...ideal but not realistic. Just be sure what you are doing has a benefit to it. His employers can legally only give you certain info so make sure you aren't breaking Plan B for things that you'd want vs will get. KWIM?

I'm talking to my attorney in the morning so hopefully we'll get a full plan on proceeding.

Also, I definitely need to redo the ground rules for phone calls. When I got home today, there was a message from HAM on the answering machine. I deleted it as soon as I realized who it was, but DS was there and heard his voice. About 20 minutes later he started asking me questions showing he was processing it...Asked, "What does forgive mean?" And then, when I explained and asked who he was thinking about, he said daddy. Then he started talking about the toy daddy promised he'd give back. Sigh. I can just be here for him, I know. We did have a wonderful week off/weekend and we're looking forward to another ahead. I'm proud of myself for planning and preparing a nice, full life for my family.

So, here are some thoughts. I could change my home phone number, and then have it blocked/unlisted, and only call him on it, not allow him to call us. But that would be hard when he is screening his calls...I don't mind if he calls immediately after we try, so that DS is ready and I have my plan in place, but I don't want him calling other times. I could just not let DS call him, but that would be hard on DS and look bad for me in court. I don't really want to schedule a time for HAM to call, because I know he won't be consistent but it will cramp my style to have to be available a certain time every day. I spoke to my IM briefly and we're going to try and formulate a plan. I'll be seeing her every day this week as she's watching my DD8.

Jennifer, could you change your home number and get a cheap prepaid cell you use just for phone calls between DS and his dad? You could turn it off when you didn't want calls, have no voicemail set up, ad he wouldn't have your house number to call and leave messages.

Just an idea.

You're a strong lady and this must be unbelievably hard. I've really appreciated your support and just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family. Hang in there.

Hmm, that's a brilliant idea. Especially since as of tomorrow, I will have a new cell phone/new number, but still have my old pay as you go phone handy. I could make that work out pretty easily.

Thanks so much for checking on ME with all the stuff you've been going through. I'm off to post on your thread.

Spoke to my attorney today, and we're going to get the ball rolling on a temporary hearing for restricted visitation and child support. It feels good to be making some steps forward. He didn't have a problem with anything I've done so far (even exposure to OW's facebook) and felt I should have no problem denying HAM visitation at this point unless it's under conditions I'm comfortable with (local and supervised by a third party).

Baby steps, but sometimes that's all you get.

Oh, and AI, if you're reading here, thanks for the idea again and I'm really hopeful that your life will turn around. You have no idea the depths of chaos you're in right now, and won't until the chaos subsides and you start looking backwards. I understand you're not ready...but I hope that you will stick up for yourself, your kids, your marriage. I wish I had done so sooner. I even think if I'd been brave enough to do a full exposure right when I caught HAM online, it might have made much more difference than waiting and trickle exposing. My hindsight lets me see clearly now, and one day, yours will too, because I have faith in you working through all this and coming out stronger on the other side. Sorry to thread jack, but I figure you might read this, and doubt TRT will bother to read other people's threads, it just doesn't seem his style.

Glad your lawyer is a bulldog.

I'm reading.
Thank you. I'm holding onto those moments of clarity in the chaos. I know what I need to do in either scenario. I won't let the confusion sink me into inaction again.

I'm glad you have a good lawyer and things are going well!

I ran into HAM's attorney at the courthouse today, going through security. I asked him if he'd heard from HAM recently, he said no, have you? So I gave him the little update, moved 450 miles, left his kid but packed the kids toys, hasn't paid any support, left the house a mess a month after he'd agreed to be out, with half the utilities turned off. Funny, he was speechless after that. It was also funny that one of the security guards just then started saying how he'd watched me in court that morning over the security cameras and was super impressed. Oh, and then I won over HAM's attorney in court right after, where the judge specifically relied on my program's position. So, made me feel more powerful. HAM's attorney is not very good, kind of weasely, but can be arrogant, so it was nice to feel like he got put in his place.

HAM has not contacted IM with his address or about any additional visitation. It's now been two weeks since he's seen his son.

It's also been three weeks since I entered plan B. Today I have to go back to the house and take pictures, I am bringing my middle daughter and I hope it will go well. If it was worth spending the money on, I'd change the locks on the front house so there's no way he could be back. DS doesn't talk about his dad quite as much, but he did say yesterday maybe dad will change his mind and move back here. I think the dear little fellow has a pretty good grasp of the situation and I'm glad he sees and accepts that his dad is making choices here. I've provided him continuing reassurances about our situation. And we've had a lot of fun together, too. My kids are such a blessing and I am so grateful for having been blessed with them.

I still think about HAM a lot, but maybe a little less. I hope it will continue to decrease. I have a counseling session today and maybe that's something I can address with her.

Jennifer.
Place the kids in counseling.
I also have 3 kids. Wife left. Hasn't seen them for weeks.
The custody evaluators will pull the counseling records if needed.
It helps custody AND helps your kids.
4 year olds have the hardest time (I have a 5 yr old girl)

I got the oldest in counseling, the youngest (who is the only child of this marriage) I spoke to the counselor about and she said to keep an eye on him. The first few days he was really upset and now he's been doing pretty well, just processing it a lot. He's actually also been doing great at school, and with pick up/drop offs (school is aware of what is going on and monitoring him closely...he goes to a great school). So it's available but I haven't started it yet, I'm kind of waiting and seeing. I'm very fortunate to have awesome benefits and resources.

Sorry to hear your 5yo is having a hard time, and that you are solo parenting as well.