I have been married for 14 years. My wife is my best friend. We have been through everything together some of the worst and best times of my life. We have a relationship like no other at least I thought. I have always been a jealous person all my life. In the begining of our relationship I was extremely jealous and lacking trust. Over the last few years I let down my guard and trusted my wife whole heartedly. Two weeks ago my wife thought she lost her phone the night before vacation. Not wanting to start our vacation off terrible I was looking crazy for her phone anything I could do to find it. I went on our online phone records to see if maybe somebody found it and called any numbers. I came across a weird number several times on the bill. I looked into the number and seen it belonged to a man we knew from our sons boyscout troop. My son has been out of the scouts for years. I didn't want to raise any problems before vacation. We found her phone. The next day on vacation my wife was sleeping and her phone sat along side of me this number still burned in my brain I went through her contact list not finding a match. When the phone went off and it was this number I couldn't help but text it back as it was her. As my heart pounded in my chest as the text back sank right to my stomach. Not wanting to ruin our family vacation I would hold off until it was over to say something. Well I couldn't wait. When she woke up and asked me where her phone was I threw it to her on the bed. She knew something was wrong and asked me. I told her I knew what was going on. At first she tried to deny it but I knew. She then talked about it to me telling me it was going on for 8 years. My heart is broken part of me has since died. I can't stop thinking about it! It has overtaken my life. I don't know what to do. She has told me all the details and has said it is over and was a huge mistake and wants to rebuild our life. HOW????? My life is destroyed and this man gets to sail off in the sunset like nothing happened living life normal while I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart! Some of the details that were given to me will never leave my head. How long will the hurt last and is there a chance at rebuilding??????

Scooterdad-

Nobody "gets over" an affair of 8 years that was discovered 2 weeks ago. Please don't feel the need to force yourself to 'get over this' right now, you have no reason to do so.

#1- Get a copy of Surviving an Affair

#2- Do not believe a word she says. Nobody is 'over' an affair of 8 YEARS in 2 weeks when suddenly discovered. She is certainly lying to you about that.

You know who this man is. You need to find out the truth. You will need to speak with his wife (I assume he is married - if she says he is not, do not believe her, track him down and find him).

Your "extreme jealousy" -> are you saying this now because you are backtracking on trying to justify why this happened? I would suspect, after 8 years of DECIET, that you probably had red flags smacking you in the face that you are now trying to write off as jealousy

Expose the affair far and wide! It showcases the 'secret'.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but you have found a wonderful place here with Marriage Builders. Please go to the Notable Posts folder and look at the folder called "For Newly Betrayed Spouses." there you will learn the steps you need to take. If you follow the steps, you will have the best chance of getting your marriage repaired.

I also recommend using the Coaching Center and working directly with Steve Harley. He has really helped us out!

Best luck,
TinT

Scooterdad,

Sorry to hear of this horror.

man we knew from our sons boyscout troop.

Ok this guy should not be a boy scout leader, if he is one, expose to the boyscout leadership. There is something especially revolting about parents who use kids organizations to find hook ups.

God Bless
Gamma

scooterdad. I'm sorry you find yourself having to deal with this. The recovery time is measured in years and your WW will have to EARN back your trust. It can be done and is well worth it to have your family together and your old wife back.

The MB road to recovery is pretty straight forward and will give you the best shot at recovery when all the steps are followed.


I agree with this 100%. I suspect that the affair has just moved underground and your WW will be more smart to make sure that you don't find continued contact.

Before you expose this ( which is a necessary step in killing the affair) you need to install spyware on her phone, keylogger on the computer and a var/gps in WW car. This will give you valuable info after you expose because you can see their actions once the truth comes out. It will also allow you to "verify" no contact going forward.

Don't believe anything your WW says. Trust only what you can personally verify. Waywards lie...but you have already found that out.

You have found a safe place here. Don't tell your WW about it.

Scooterdad,

it was going on for 8 years.

This is very difficult, I don�t know what can compensate for the lost time and wasted years. When my W told me she never felt the same about me after OM2 I felt like I had to be married for another 20 years to make up for the 20 years I lost. She was not in an active affair for those years, but that such a large part of my married life was tainted was painful.

She has told me all the details and has said it is over and was a huge mistake and wants to rebuild our life. HOW?????

It�s not a mistake, a mistake is spilling coffee, she should not be using minimizing language of any kind with you it is cruel. Ultimately you need WW to purge ALL the details you don�t want trickle truth dragged out over many many years. It�s like breaking a leg, it�s painful to set it but necessary.

My life is destroyed and this man gets to sail off in the sunset like nothing happened living life normal while I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart!

No he does not, in order to protect your family OM has to be exposed to his workplace, church, HIS WIFE, his family, and anyone who is of any importance to him. OM was assaulting your family for all those years. He cannot be left as a threat to your family able to send an email to your WW whenever he wants.

You may need to get a DNA test for your children.

God Bless
Gamma

SD, I can't type much right now, but there are practices, principles and programs on this site, and espoused by the peer-counselors, that will give you the best opportunity to recover from this awful betrayal.

SD, I'm sorry you have to find yourself here, but you will get plenty of help.

First, I want you to straighten up and steel yourself. You've just begun a very difficult struggle to recover your marriage, but it's worth it! I know you're devastated and want to curl up and weep. Okay, go ahead; you've got five minutes. I'll wait

All done? Let's get to work.

First - who is this bottom-feeder? If he's a Scouter, he's more than likely married. Find out. He'll more than likely have boys who are now Scouts, or used to be. Find out their names.

Is he a registered leader in the troop or just a parent? Do you know the name of the Scout troop's District Executive? Do you know the name of the Council's Senior Executive?

We have tools on this site to help you kill this affair. Stay with us and we'll help you.

Don't say anything to your WW about this site right now. That may come later.

My wife was in a long term affair as well and I'm here to tell you that you get thru this only if you follow the plan as it will be suggested to you. You cannot deviate from any of the steps.

Having a wife who s remorseful is a big thing. Not every guy is as lucky.

About the other guy, part of the procedure is you will be telling his wife TODAY about the affair and ride into the sunset is over. But this is not about him. He should die a fiery death for his part in this.

This is about you and your wife and how to create an affair-proof marriage. This includes all the strategies to protect you, to compensate you for your pain, and to develop a even closer relationship with your wife.

It may seem impossible after all that you learned about what she is capable of but I can attest it can be done. Ask questions, come here to vent, and start to read the materials on this site and order the book Surviving an Affair available here.

Remember this truism, a remorseful wife is about as good as it gets early on in is thing.

Thanks for all the encouragement we have taken steps to move foward. The other person was contacted and told to stay away and never contact her again. His number was blocked from the cell and home phones. His wife has yet to be contacted for the simple fact his children goto school with our son and we don't want to make anything harder on our sons school life. Somebody had mentioned dna test we only have 1 child and he is way older then the affair. This man is no longer in scouts as his kids are older. Its hard to trust her as much as I try. She has been very regretful and has told me numerous times how sorry she is she had no idea I loved her this much. I can't get it out of my head for longer then 5 hours. I keep hearing the conversation I had with this guy and how she told me when I told her I knew what was going on. It plays over and over in my head it consumes my life.

Scooterdad you CANNOT keep this secret from his wife! This poor woman must be informed, to withhold it from her will be as cruel as it was to you, except at least you've had the *choice* to choose whether or not to recover your marriage.

You can't listen to your wife and trust her right now! She has lied to you for EIGHT YEARS, how on earth can her words have any trust??

You need to read Surviving an Affair the book, immediately. You cannot sweep this under the rug as she is trying to do.

If your child and the other man's child go to the same school, then you must live very close to the OM. There will be many school functions that he will be at along with your wife. This means that no contact for life will be violated repeatedly and you will be reminded of the affair over and over again.

Dr. Harley recommends moving to get away from the affair partner. This means your son will go to a new school so it won't matter. You MUST tell this poor woman that her life is a lie and Her husband is committing adultery! I would also expose to his parents, the school admin, and all those who are in contact with your family and his to ask for their help in persuading him to end the affair as well as to warn their husbands that this man is a risk to their families too.

You can find all this information in the "Notable Posts" folder under "For Newly Betrayed Spouses"

scooterdad. I know you are confused and hurting right now...but you are kidding about not telling OM betrayed wife...right?

Not telling her would just be thoughtless and cruel. She deserves to know the truth about her life...just as you do.

You're kidding right?

Scooterdad,

The other person was contacted and told to stay away and never contact her again.

This was an EIGHT year affair, this is a serious addiction, please understand that an affair is an addiction not unlike alcoholism, you can't cure it just by saying don't do that anymore. And just as an alcoholic can never go into a bar your WW can never see OM, or his kids, or etc ever again.

His wife has yet to be contacted for the simple fact his children goto school with our son and we don't want to make anything harder on our sons school life.

Your son likely already saw the affair going on, in 8 years I'm sure your WW got careless. In my experience children always know something is going on and often some horrible detail. As when my W, at age 5 or so, saw her father with some woman, her father then tried to bribe her.

You or the OM will have to move there is no way you can continue to live in an area so polluted with triggers and bad memories. How close does the OM live to you.

The OMW absolutely needs to be told she is your potential ally in this and needs to watch OM like a hawk for you and for her own family.

I can't get it out of my head for longer then 5 hours.

Very surprised you can last that long.

God Bless
Gamma

Another good clip about moving after an affair.
Radio clip on moving locations after an affair