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Joined: Jul 2012
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After surviving two affairs I am at a crossroads as to whether to continue with this marriage or leave. I have done everything to deposit love units in the love bank but I feel his efforts are not genuine. I know it takes time to heal and forgive but the more I stay with this man, the more anger I feel. I asked for a time out but he cried and said he could not live without me. What to do next?
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Joined: Jun 2012
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Plan B, if he does not agree to conditions to provide you with just compensation. He needs to take extraordinary measures to prove to you and successfully AVOID an A in the future.
I'm new, not an expert. If I am wrong, SOMEONE PLEASE CORRECT ME!
BW Me, 42
WH Him, 45
Affair began in 10/11
Married 10 years
Together 12 years
1 step-daughter, age 16
D-day 6/1/12: WH had affair w/ woman who sings in a blues band/he plays blues guitar
7/2/12 he broke promise of NC with OW & moved out
7/3/12 he expressed desire to recover
7/16/12 Things really smoothed out
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Emmy, I checked your post history quickly and couldn't find any 'back story'. Have you been in Plan A to it's complete extent?
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read the Basic Concepts?
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
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Get Surviving an Affair and read it. Watch this video ---> Infidelity: What every couple needs to know Read the Basic Concepts and Notable Posts. What were the conditions leading to the adulteries? Travel, internet? Are the OWs married? Has this been exposed? MB has a plan for marital recovery, but every step has to be followed.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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I asked for a time out but he cried and said he could not live without me. What to do next? You don't "ask" him for anything. You TELL him what he needs to do and then allow him to either A. Do the right thing(s) B. Do the easy/lazy thing(s) If he "cries", he's manipulating you.
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Read the threads on *** The Operstion Investigate forum *** GPS his car. Track his every move on the computer/phone. Put a VAR in his vehicle. You gather data silently and without confrontation.
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Joined: Jul 2012
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Thank you all for the responses. I watched the video thanks LongWayFromHome. Yes I have read the Basic Concepts. One of the OW was married the other not. I will complete Plan A alis I have not done that yet. I am afraid I really don't feel like trying anything because we've been through counseling after the first time. It's silly but I feel so emotionally drained.
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Joined: Sep 2007
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Welcome to MB! Sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, MB is the best place for predicaments like yours.
You have gotten some great starter advice. Get the book "surviving an affair" and read all you can here. AFter you read the basic concepts go through the articles that pertain to affairs and how to cope and survive them while you wait for your book to arrive.
Come back .. ask questions, vent ... etc .. as you journey this very difficult path that has been laid before you.
MNG
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I am afraid I really don't feel like trying anything because we've been through counseling after the first time. It's silly but I feel so emotionally drained. Marriage counsellors have NO CLUE how to save a marriage. They merly facilitate your divorce more than anything. MC's have an 84% failure rate and the highest rate of divorce of any occupation. MC is a waste of money .. and time .. more often than not you regergitate your emotions and relive all the hurt each time. MB is an action plan ... feelings follow actions. DO the correct actions first and your feelings will follow. There is a very narrow path to recovery. MCing is not it. YOur money is better spent on the coaching center here. MNG
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Thank you all for the responses. I watched the video thanks LongWayFromHome. Yes I have read the Basic Concepts. One of the OW was married the other not. I will complete Plan A alis I have not done that yet. I am afraid I really don't feel like trying anything because we've been through counseling after the first time. It's silly but I feel so emotionally drained. Plan A is a carrot and a stick. The carrot makes you the most attractive wife you can be. The stick makes the OW / affair an uncomfortable experience. Carrot = meeting his ENs. Stick = allowing the consequences of his choices to happen Please click on the link in my sig line and read the carrot/stick thread top to bottom. Ask questions if there is a part of Plan A you don't understand.
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EM33 Be sure to read this quote several times .... The following was written by Mark1952. Brilliant !!! A good, intense, full throttle Plan A, with nothing held back, using both the carrot and the stick to make the marriage a better choice than the affair makes recovery a possibility. A poorly executed or misdirected Plan A or one that continues longer than you can actually do it will result in not saving your marriage. So a hard and fast Plan A, followed by a dark Plan B that can last until you can figure out if the affair is going to end is your best bet to save your marriage and get a chance at recovery. Nothing is a sure bet, so if you are looking for guarantees, I can only give you one�I guarantee that if you do a haphazard Plan A, or use only the carrot side of Plan A or try to do Plan A until you hate your wayward spouse and fail to save enough to get through Plan B intact in your care and love for him or her, you stand almost no chance at all of recovering your marriage.
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EM33
Are you still conscious?
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BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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