Plan A is also about the BS working on himself. I'd imagine you will have your fair share of PT during school. Exercise is a great way for you to feel better about yourself as well as get some frustration out. Leaderships skills will also be developed. I hope you see how that can benefit you as a husband, father and individual. When I read your posts you sound fearful and easily deflated. There is little room for that sort of thinking in the military...hopefully you will be reminded of that and apply it to your personal relationships.

Since WW will not have SF, you being away will give her the time (at least in her head) to "find herself", "get comfortable" or whatever she wants to call it. Because she is getting that opportunity (even though there is nothing you can do about it or it is not ideal to be separated) short of more excuses she can't say you were smothering her, nagging her for sex, expecting sex, etc. because you aren't there. You will also not be tempted to love bust about the lack of sex with her since it is physically impossible. The separation might help you focus of other aspects of marital and personal recovery because the SF isn't going to happen. You may even be too tired at the end of the day to think about sex.

Separation sucks here but you have to work with what you have and it is a good thing that she is with her parents. If after a week or two of you coming home (and continuing Plan A), you see no progress with WW then you will have to decide when enough will be enough. If D is not an option to you, there is nothing anyone here can do to help you. If you are willing to be in a marriage at all costs, you'll just have to suck it up.

**edit**

Also, since WW gave birth several months ago...

Most women do not feel attractive after childbirth. Body image is eh, hormones may be out of whack still, tired from lack of sleep and the high demands infants require can take a toll even on the strongest of women. While I would not allow the babies to be a never ending excuse you will have to consider these things. It just adds another negative factor to your R.

ETA:
You can also get DNA testing done to put any doubt to rest. Home swab tests are easily available at Walgreens, CVS, etc. and are an inexpensive way to get peace of mind.

http://www.walgreens.com/store/c/identigene-dna-paternity-test-collection-kit/ID=prod4202920-product

If your twins are identical you only need one test. If they are faternal and you believe there is some way she'd carry two babies by two different men, then you can test both...whatever will put your mind to rest. And no I would not POJA this with WW. Like other snooping she doesn't have to know. Swab cheeks, mail in and get results.

Also here's a radio clip of what BR is talking about.
Radio clip of stress in a marriage after babies arrive

Very likely.

Recovery is hard.

I want to encourage you NOT to let the fact that you have 5 month old twins keep you from doing what it takes to recover.

I have twins, and I know what a job they are at that age.

But they need parents with a strong, romantic marriage. THEY need that from you. They will not get that if you allow them to dominate your time and energy.

Your marriage needs the time for Intimate Emotional Needs to be met -- 30 hours for Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Affection, and Sexual Fulfillment. Your twins will benefit if you take this time with your wife.

Make this your priority.

That sounds perfect. A statement about your feelings (not a demand), and she is free to say "no." I think that should be clarified in a lot of these posts, because without her having the freedom to say "no," it's a demand, and if the Marriage Builders forum is encouraging husbands or wives to make demands, then we are going to be wrecking marriages, not saving them.

What makes something a demand or not is how you respond when your wife says "no," so it's best not to leave that part out. Dr. Harley once told me I was being demanding just for telling my wife "It bothers me that you didn't [take a particular action]."


I'm a lot more straightforward than that. Instead of implications, I'll state straight out that making demands or using resentment over an affair to get sexual needs met (no matter how they rank) is a surefire recipe to destroy love in marriage, according to Dr. Harley.

Unfortunately, you can't sustain romantic love in a marriage unless you are together every day. Sure, we all know people who stay married, but staying married does not mean one is in love. Statistically, these marriages experience epidemic affairs and divorce rates. This is why Harley is adamant that couples do not spend the night apart.

Didn't your husband have an affair, Tammy? I thought you were here due to a troubled marriage.

Yep my dh had an affair but that doesnt mean every guy will. A couple can put stuff in place to keep the romance.

**edit**

Tammy

Many times people say that a career or other choice in life is the will of God, but it is really only their own desires they are listening to.

Waywards do it all the time.

Let me put it back at you: Do you think God would set a purpose in a person's heart for a career that puts their marriage at risk?

Yes, they can. Like "No nights spent apart."

Do you have the book Love Busters? There's a whole chapter at the end about a man who wanted to be a pastor over his wife's objections, with some excellent advice on that subject from Dr. Harley.

God is not some magic pixie dust that will keep your marriage safe when you have willingly placed it in harms way.

I believe you are the only one that has said that.

Tammy, I don't believe that God wants people to risk their marriages with traveling jobs. God doesnt call people to take risks with their marriages. Sure, you may know someone who has a romantic marriage (doubtful) but I also know people who smoked 4 packs of cigarettes a day and came out just fine. Doesn't mean we should be telling people to smoke.

It would be different if you had a great marriage to show in spite of your husbands traveling job, but you don't. And that is the problem, these marriages are fraught with conflict. That is because it is impossible to sustain intimacy when you are not meeting each others needs on a daily basis.

Excuse me, Tammy. According to your signature line:

BS (me) 33 WH (dh) 32
married for 12 yrs-3 kids 11,9 and 4 yrs old
DDay Jan 2005 told of EA with OW1 believed the story found out it was a PA on 11/2010
Another PA also with another woman sometime in between
multiple one night stand on business trips
DD summer 2007 received a letter from a woman believed dh it was from an online affiar. Found out 11/2010 she was also a PA.
DDay Nov 7th 2010 found email saying I love you to OW:(
Last PA was 3/2010-11/2010
NC Dec 9th

Your H had at least 5 PAs AND "multiple one-night stands" while travelling, during a 12-year marriage.

I can't imagine why you try to counsel this poster that his absence from his recent WW, who had an affair while pregnant and is still in severe withdrawal from that, can safeguard his marriage while travelling.

Why would you advise him to take such high-risk action?

**edit**

Tammy

I was under the impression he is military which means if you dont show up you go to jail. Did I have that wrong? If he is military he doesnt have a choice and has to work with what he has got.

Tammy

**edit**

If I had the impression wrong that he has the option to go or not go then that is different. I thought he was in the military - maybe I read a different thread and transferred that idea to this one.

Tammy

Better get prepared for 5 more PAs and multiple one night stands, again. Nothing's changed.