Hi Mo3M, you have already taken the first steps in showing your husband the threats. The best would be for the two of you to discuss safety and security for your family. Then be alert (but don't live in fear), if she continues with the threats you may want to file a complaint with law enforcement. My husband's ex went as far as smashing my windscreen so I don't take light of threats from ex mistresses.

Hi there,

If you have objections to Dr. Harley's "no nights apart" policy, could you please bring them up on one of your own threads? It's very distracting to other posters who come here seeking Marriage Builders help when this board becomes a place where many conflicting opinions are presented.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with four decades of experience specializing in infidelity. There are reasons for his recommendations, like "no nights apart," and you might not be aware of all those reasons. But since he's been at this for forty years, he has probably heard some of the things you are saying and has shared answers to them and reasons why he still makes those recommendations. So can we discuss them with you here or on another new thread, rather than interfering with posters who come here seeking to be helped using Dr. Harley's advice?

If you look in the thread you will see that I thought the guy was military if he is military he absolutely HAS to do what he is told despite the state of his marriage or go to jail. I was simply stating that he could start thinking of what he can do to help keep his marriage in the best state he can while being apart vs. telling a military guy to go A Wall.

Tammy

I am looking in the thread.

And I am horrified that you continue arguing and posting your own personal opinions.

If you don't know what Dr. Harley says about it, and you have four other posters telling you Dr. Harley would disagree with you, doesn't that tell you something? Even if you disagree, isn't this still Dr. Harley's board, where the whole point is to learn his program?

Correction: You went off on a tangent about how it's perfectly safe to have a traveling job while married ON A HURTING NEWBIE'S THREAD.

How have you managed to come up with the magic formula to make traveling jobs safe when Dr. Harley himself, who has been studying the problem for 40 years, STILL hasn't found a solution?

**edit** Again I thought the guy was military in which he would not have a CHOICE in the matter or I would have never said anything. If he is really military no one has said if I had that right or not how is being in jail not being away from his spouse so he is going to be away either when they tell him to or by going to jail. **edit** However if he truly doesnt have a choice and I am talking about jail not just missing an income then the best plan is to come up with ideas to make the best at meeting the EN which is why I spoke of the emails and texting and pictures.

Tammy

How is any job safe if a spouse goes to work? There are hotels in town for a 10am meeting.

Again I thought the guy said military and I saw something about deployment - that is not really a choice!

Whether we like it or not families need a salary on some level to survive and being in jail does not help the marriage and makes it a whole lot harder to meet ENs.

Tammy

So your solution to the military spouse problem is to tell people that marriages apart can work anyway, simply because they have to and it is not practical to do otherwise, even though Dr. Harley says this is a recipe for disaster? Is that about right?

Because people have to work, therefore they should be advised not to worry about the impact of a traveling job on a marriage, and given rare examples where it seems to have worked out?

And as Melodylane said, "Unfortunately, you can't sustain romantic love in a marriage unless you are together every day."

You are suggesting the impossible and giving false hope.

He can certainly try it. Chances are, it won't work.

Giving people false hope is a GREAT solution.

Have you heard any of the radio shows of Dr. Harley talking about military marriages?

Radio clip on military marriages
Segment #2
Segment #3

Radio clip on military marriages and alcoholics
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Also this on traveling jobs.

Traveling Jobs

Tammy if your H is still traveling for work I think this is a very bad, bad idea. I don't honestly know how you can feel any safety or security in your M when this factor has not changed, especially since he seems to have cheated multiple times WHILE traveling for work!

My H used to be a consultant and he traveled often. He also had a ONS and multiple other indiscretions while traveling for work. As part of our recovery he understands that this is NOT AN OPTION. He has moved jobs a couple of times and in his previous job and his current one, as a corporate executive, he does NOT travel. We recently discussed some changes in his company and how his role could change and that might affect traveling, and I made it quite clear that he would be looking for a new job if it did because a traveling role is not. gonna. happen.

He just sets the standard for himself by taking roles that do not require travel. It can be done. Will it hurt his career? Perhaps. Frankly I think that people respect a man who has good morals and puts his life first, and therefore so far people seem to respect that and it has affected him in a positive and not a negative way.

I don't know what your H does for a living, but if it requires travel then it needs to change or I fear that this recovery of yours is short lived.