Hello,
I am new here and I am sorry but I wish I was not, I am sure that is a mutual feeling. I just found this forum and am looking for some advice and direction. My nightmare.

I love my wife and was very happy in my marriage. I had been married to her for 18 years. One day I noticed that she had been texting with my sister's husband. That was not so unusual but I did not understand 135 text back and forth. I asked her about it and she "claimed" they were just joking around. I knew this had to be more than that but she a surd me she understood it did not look good and would stop.

My wife never liked my brother-in-law we did not care to be around him. He is a very arrogant man, better than tho type.My wife had been married before and divorced her husband for having affairs.I did not think she would ever cheat on me because she knew the pain and she did not like the guy. What a dummy I was. the affair went from an emotional to full blown. It lasted approximately several months. I am not sure when it became sexual, I think for a couple momths

I do not have to tell you about the pain it has caused within the family.My family will never be the same.

One of the worst things is how she bad mouthed me to her family and our friends . She tried to paint me as this control/manipulative monster. I know what some are thinking and may believe it could be true. In this case it is not. She had to try and cover-up the affair while it was happening. She obviously knew it was wrong and had to get people on her side. Thank God the majority of the people seen through the lies. Then when the affair became public, other than her family and a couple of friends the rest seen the truth.

It was very hard to have two of the three kids be turned against me. The funny thing is my stepson ,her son, seen the truth and stopp by me and continues to. He even confronted his mother during the affair that he knew what was the truth and she denied it to him. She has since admitted to him that she was lying to him.

My problem is I still love this woman and want to work the marriage out. Her mind is shot from the affair. I am not sure if she will ever get over what she did. I have talked with her about reconciliation ans she believes there is to much damage in the family, she feels my family will never accept her back. Obviosly my sister will never but she and her husband are back together and trying to work it out. I do not want to be around him so that part is done anyway. The rest of my family has said they would forgive her.

I have told her I forgive her and just want to put this behind us and move on. I believe you have to forgive to be forgiven.I am not sure if she will ever forgive herself.

Now, what do I do to rekindle the love. I was told to give her space to heal. It has been a year and a half since we separated. We have some contact, there is no hostility at all. We never argued during our marriage. I believe this was a MLC. When I looked things up in books and online a MLC fit perfect.

Like I have said I still love her very much. I want to work this out and feel I need to become proactive. I am not sure how to rekindle the love . She is very scared to make trhat first step. Am I not smelling the roses and it is over? What do I do. I want to give it every chance I can. Of course this is not everything. It is as short as I could keep it without writing a book. Thankyou in advance for your thoughts. I wish I could wake up and find it was dream and not the nightmare it has become.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

So has your WW been exposed to all? Have you told the kids the truth?

Dr. Harley has a path to recover a M from an affair. You can have a loving, romantic M if you follow The MB principles.

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair?

Please read this. Thread to Help Newly BS

Fullhope, I'm sorry you ended up here, but you are definitely in the right place. There are many people here who have been to Hell and back just like you and they know just what to do.

I'm new here myself so I won't try to offer advice, but I did want to share that you are not alone in all that happened. The way your wife made you out to be the villain and trashed your reputation to everyone she knew is something that has happened to many of us. It happened to me and I can relate to how painful that part of the story must be for you. I have been told that trashing the spouse is even more common when the wife was raised with high moral standards. If you think about it, how else could they possibly justify their actions to their friends and family unless you were a horrible guy?

In any case, take stock in knowing the terrible things she said and did had nothing to do with you or anything you ever said or did to her...

Wish you well.

Welcome to MB, and I am so sorry you are here.

When there is an affair within a family, it adds even more complications. You and your WW would have to go NC with your BIL FOR LIFE. That would mean no more holidays, weddings, funerals, etc. Are you willing to do that? If not, then there isn't going to be anything to save. NC FOR LIFE is the FIRST step in recovery.

You say that your WW was married before, was she divorced when you two met? How old are her children? Do you have any children? Were you married before? If so, were you divorced when you met your WW?

Have you read everything that this site has to offer? Get yourself the book Surviving An Affair and read it cover to cover, more than once even. In the meantime, read everything you can on Plan A, and begin Plan Aing your WW.

Is your WW living in the marital home? Are you living there as well?

The truth Is your family never will be the same.
Affair recovery requires that your wife never sees your sister or her husband again.
That means they are blocked from Facebook, Christmas dinner etc.

Is the affair still ongoing?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this painful situation.

Have you watched Dr. Harley's video on infidelity? Here is the link, just in case you haven't --- > Infidelity: What every couple needs to know

This is not a midlife crisis. Marriage Builders does not believe in MLC, which is nothing more than a breezy way to escape responsibility for bad behavior.

Your wife has sloppy boundaries around men and allowed your brother-in-law to meet her emotional needs in such a way that she fell in love with him, creating a painful nightmare for you and your family.

You are partly responsible for the condition of your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for her affair.

In Marriage Builders, we don't just "forgive." We believe that when the offender has the ability to pay a debt, s/he should do so. The part of the debt that cannot be paid back is the part that is forgiven.

Here's what your wife will need to do to EARN your forgiveness.

1.)Institute Extraordinary Precautions for life: No contact ever again with the adultery partner, no friendships with the opposite sex, accounting for all time and money.

2.)Live a transparent and integrated lifestyle: share all passwords, phones.

3.) Build together a romantic and passionate marriage that is better than pre-A.

Marriage Builders is the BEST place to be to recover your marriage.

From your post, you are still separated. Is she willing to return to the marital home? Is she willing to have no contact for life with your sister's husband? Are these people close by? If so, you might need to consider moving.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, you should. Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs are also great books with a plan to restore love to your marriage, if your wife is willing. Read LB and end all love busters. See if your wife will fill out the EN questionnaire to determine what her ENs are, then start a fantastic Plan A to win her back.

MB is the best plan out there. If both spouses are willing to follow the plan and then keep this narrow path step by step, it's guaranteed to work. If you are willing and your wayward wife is reluctant, you might be able to win her back using MB. It's worth your best shot if you want to keep your family intact.

Fullhope,

My wife had been married before and divorced her husband for having affairs...The funny thing is my stepson, her son, seen the truth and stopp by me and continues to.

When I put those two statements together, I think that possibly because your WW had the first affair in her prior marriage and never wanted to tell you the truth, her tendency to smear her partner being the same, but her son may have observed what happened and always held it against her.

You have a boatload of honesty needed from your WW a polygraph is needed.

God Bless
Gamma

Thankyou foe taking time out of your lives to offer advice and encouragement. I feel like I am in a living hell and will never get out of this. That upsets me even more because I do have a faith in God and know he is with me in this mess.

I will try and answer the questioned you have asked. Please do not think I do not respect all the questions. My mind is in turmoil and I may forget some. I appreciate all your post. The loneliness is so hard.

The affair ended last year. The BIL broke it off. He decided he did not want to loose his family, surprise!! My wife has told others that she tried to break it off three times but he would threaten suicide and cry like a baby. I am not sure if I believe her because when he broke it off she was devastated. My view is she should have been happy if that is what she wanted to do herself three times. I am not sure if she claimed that to cover her.

I never heard it said that people raised in a high morale home tend to be more verbal about making the victim spouse look bad. It does make sense. Her parents were bible thumping types. She has alot of self esteem issues. I could never understand it as by the worlds standards she is considered a very attractive woman.

WS was always trying to seek her parents love and they always gave more to her siblings. I believe that is part of the problem, very low self asteem. It was not an act. I would try to get her to go to counseling for it but she would not.

She is residing in our home. I am sure you will say I am a fool but I have been paying all the bills. She did not work during our marriage. That was our choice. We could afford to do it. She never was a slacker and would work from the time she woke up till she went to bed at night around the house. She took care of the kids. She had two from her previous marriage and we had one together.

This was my first marriage. I have to say she was the perfect wife. Until this a man could not ask for a better wife. I forgot to say above she is working part time now. She made the house a home and showered me with love. Now she claims she knew after we were married she did not really love me. She had to be a good actor then for 16 years I could not have been more loved.

I am surprised to hear about the MLC. As I said when I read about it it was so dead on. She is not claiming that is what happened. She feels it is just an excuse and gets upset if I bring it up.

I know that there is two sides to every story and I believe that also. I know I was not a perfect husband. I tried to meet all her needs. In the end she would claim certain things but I can honestly say sometimes I believe it is how we perceive things, myself included. Again I am not saying I am perfect. If I had to do things all over there is some things I would do different.

I gave her all the love I could. I welcomed her kids. I would buy her anything I could afford. I would rubb her feet every night while we would sit and watch TV, 3 hrs at a time, I would then give her a full massage for 3-4 hrs a night to help her sleep. She worked so hard during the day and took care of me so well I wanted to do for her. I say this not to brag but to try and show that I did everything I could.

I am a person who loves and wants to be loved. I was able to retire early and wanted to take care of her. I appreciate all the work she did around the house as a injury forced me to retire. I believe that is part of the problem. She seen my health deteriorate and she wanted a fullu healthy man.

I have only talked to my stepson about the lies. He has been great and sees the truth. The other two believed all the lies as not only did she bad mouth me but her family did the same. They are self righteous people and in their sight do no wrong. They never except any of the in-laws. All but one of their kids have been divorced and involved in affairs.

Her parents are a major part of stopping any reconciliation. That is a whole book in its self. I hope I am not making myself look like the perfect husband. In her "mind " I did not meet her needs, so that is all that matters.

I forgot to say that my blood child has since reconciled with me. I have never talked with him about the affair as I am afraid to. If I tell him all the truth it may look like I am running his mother down and I do not want to do that. It does bother though that he felt I was the liar. He is aware of the affair but I am not sure what he felt. When I separated from his mother his uncle started staying over.

I think it best to work on our relationship and somewhere down the road talk about things, right or wrong I am not sure.My step daughter still is not talking to me. She believes all her mother's lies which I am not surprised. Our relationship was up and down. It had become real good. She even had me walk her down the aisle instead of her sperm donor. I say that because he was never in the lives that much, only when he could be Santa Claus. We had developed such a good relationship and now it has been ruined because of her mothers affair.

The thigs my WS spouse said about me was horrible, I would not like me if they were true. I listen to trhat new Alan Jackson song and it is so true about my life. I will be the bad guy, tell our friends I am an SOB, I will take the black eye. I listen to that song and it is so true. I think now I should have been vocal and speak against the lies and not just let her get away with it. I was advised that was the best way to go, I hope it was good advice in the end.

The problem is I still love her. I know her heart and I know the mental issues she has had, and still is having. She had filed for divorce as the BIL did. He stopped it right after he broke it off and is reconciling, he was not raised in a high moral home. WS was going to continue the divorce but so far things are now on hold and Not sure where it is headed. I believe she feels if she does not do it her parents and others will wonder why she would stay in a marriage with this monster. it would espose all the lies.

I will read that which you have advised me to, I do have the book, I bought it when this first happened. I am not sure how to rekindle her love. I believe that she believes all the things she said about me. either because she has convinced herself things were that bad or she does not want to admit the lies. You may wonder why I would want to stay with her. I know if I was told this by someone I would tell them to "RUN", but love is a hard thing it make syou do crazy things. I never thought I would stay with a woman who betrayed me, in fact before marriage I said if anyone cheated on me I would leave, not so easy I have found.

If I did not answer all the questions I am sorry. I will read the post again and see what I missed. Thankyou for listening.I hope you do not think I am a jerk. I am normally a private person. I need help and do not know what to do.

Your wife's low self-esteem did not lead her to have an affair. Her poor boundaries around men did. People gain self-esteem by living the kind of life they can "esteem" or value. Your wife's self-esteem is probably in the pits right now, and rightly so; she has done things she knows are destructive and hurtful.

Tell your children the truth about the affair. It's not the truth that hurts; it's the adultery. Don't lie to them about what's going on in their family. The more people who know, the more your wife can be held accountable. Also, they can offer you support.

Dr. Harley likens adultery to an addiction. The brain chemicals are on a high and it's very difficult to break once started. Affairs are emotion-based, not logic-based, and people will lie to get their fix. They lie about their spouse to others and to themselves to justify the dreadful wrong they KNOW they are inflicting.

Once the adultery ends, the person often goes into a depression due to the loss of the addiction that made them feel so great. It's during this time of withdrawal that Dr. Harley recommends AD medications for both spouses.

It doesn't matter that you weren't the "perfect husband;" she had poor boundaries around men and that's why she had the affair. Lots of people have less-than-perfect husbands and don't have affairs. They protect their marriage by having good strong boundaries in place.

You're not a fool to have her in your home. Dr. Harley urges men to pursue their wives by meeting the ENs she will allow you to and avoiding all love busters. Be the best husband you can be.

But at the same time, you must make sure there is NO CONTACT of any sort. No seeing them at family functions, no FB, no chance meetings.

She must also agree to a transparent and integrated lifestyle. Do you have her passwords? How did she communicate with this married man?

Do you know what your wife's ENs are?

MB is a plan--a step-by-step plan--that needs to be followed in entirety in order to have the best chance at recovery.

Was your WW still married when you two met?

Are you ready to never speak to your BIL, and sister ever again? Are you prepared to not attend weddings, funerals, etc, ever again?

Your WW is NOT having a MLC, she is having an affair.

Are you willing to Plan A for up to 6 months, and then enter Plan B if your WW does not get on board with recovery?

Have you read everything possible on this site? Do you have any specific question about what you have read?

I have learned so much in the short time I have been here. Thankyou so much for your wisdom. No one wants to be hear but I am so blessed to have found this forum.

I want to try and answer the question so you know where I am coming from. My WW was not married when we met. I had known of her from the past but no meaningful contact. She had been sperated divorced form her ex for a couple of years. She had been hurt so bad by his affairs that she did not expect to ever remarry. That is why I trusted her so, she seen the hurt and was very upset if I would appear to be flirting. It was hard at first because I honestly was not flirting. She was just so afraid of being hurt again. How she ever became involved in an affair herself I will never understand.

Am I ready to have no contact with my bil/ sister. If I reconcile with my wife it will not make a difference there. I never want to see him again. My sister, we never had a real close relationship. I do not want things the way they are but at the moment she blames me for part of the affair so she is not speaking to me.

I am glad you told me about the high of the addiction. That is one thing that bothered me. Why was she so depressed about the bil stopping the affair if she "claimed" she tried three times. That explains things to me. I do not know if she understands it. She has been very resistant to counseling. She can be very stubborn lol.

Of the the books you have recommended is there any that explains this so that I could get it for her. I do not know if she will read it but I would like to try. For some reason she is against counseling. Before it became a full blown affair I tried to get her to go to counseling but she would not.

I have heard that the excitement of an affair is strong. She told me that her ex had said he could not stop because it was to exciting. Her high moral upbringing and how she waas so hurt I do not understand the affair.

We are not kids she is 49, how she could cross that line is so hard to understand.I now understand that it was not a mlc but an affair. When you talked about her boundaries with men I can absolutely say she had no interest. She disliked my bil and she was genuine. I knew since I married her he had an interest in her. Because of what her ex did she looked at guys like that as "pigs". It was only because of a family situation that they had quite a bit of contact. BIL used that time to work on her. I am not excusing her just trying to understand. She did not pursue him, at least at the start. It takes two and she is just as at fault.

My dilemma is what do I do now. I would love to have that book that I could give her that would explain to her the feelings she had.That thought about the "brain high" really would show her what she went through.

I still love her and want to win her back. Do I try and romance her by sending flowers etc.. Do I wait for her to heal and keep low key and let her make the move. Sometimes I feel like she should be coming to me because she had the affair, yet to me that sounds selfish. There has been enough of that in this.My stepdaughter is mad at me ,yet her mother had the affair. I get upset that I am the one who has to keep trying to work that out.She has not been nice. But if I want my ww spouse back I know it is important to her that my relationship with her daugfhter is repaired. I feel like I am the one who did not have the affair but I am the one who has to do all the work to mend my family. I am not afraid to do it if it is the right thing to do. I will not let pride get in the way. I love my wife and family so much. it is just so hard to be the only one that appears to care. What do I say to my stepdaughter, your mother had the affair not me, your mother was lying to cover the affair. It is so hard to know what to do. PLEASE HELP.

Please listen to this clip and he explains the addiction of the affair.

Another excellent radio clip on the importance of exposure and why. Dr. Harley also explains all the steps that need to be taken to recover from an affair.
Radio clip on steps to take to revover from an Affair

Here's another.
Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

This is totally illogical and needs to be removed from your thoughts. It makes zero sense. Your wife wants to seek her parents' love, so she screws her sister's husband?? PLEASE. Her problem is that she has no boundaries with men. She CHOSE to screw her brother-in-law. Anyone else who meets her needs is also fair game. He was available and was meeting her needs. Unfortunately, this will divide the family. You understand that you can no longer have contact with your sil, bil and family, right?

And have you exposed this affair to your in-laws?

Here are some excellent radio clips of when the affair is with a family member.
Radio Clip on affair with a family member
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Here are some excellent reads.

BSs...............just be still
Be the lighthouse...for those feeling tossed to the waves

Thankyou for your thoughts. I have started listening to those radio segments. I want to clarify about the "seeking" her parents love. I was not saying this was an excuse or reason for the affair. i was trying to show that she has had such low esteem her whole life. It would never be a reason for an affair. I am sorry I did not explain it right.

The affair is totally on her shoulders. Listening to some of the redio segments point out how this got started. It did begin with a friendship and started with texting. I remember we would be out to dinner or a movie and she would be constantly texting. Of course according to her it was either the kids or one of her relatives.

When I finally checked it was with my bil.The day i checked I stopped counting at 130 some text between them. Hind sight is 2020 and I wish I would have kept checking.She told me the would stop and I believed her. I trusted her but I was a fool.I should have known.

As I stated she did not like this guy and coming from a marriage where her husband had cheated on her and her moral values I never thought she could do it. But the friendship started and then the texting and it was off to the races.

Obviously in her mind I was not meeting her needs. I feel that is possible but I also believe people can perceive things the way they want to. It does not matter to me at this point who did or did not do what. i went to counseling on my own with our pastor. it was hard at times because he heard all the lies from my ww spouse and her parents. they repeating what they had been told. I was willing to do whatever I needed, if I was not doing something she needed I would change. The affair was a secret at this time. I understood after why she would not go to counseling. She had made the decision to have the affair and anything I would do or say did not matter.

She had no intention of working on the marriage.The bil was very sly with the tong. He and my sister had been having marital problems for years. She felt i did not care about her feelings. No matter what I did or say she would not accept it. Back to the self esteem issues. She felt rejectedb by her parents then her husband and now she felt I was not listening. I know your only hearing myside but that was not the case.No, I am not perfect but I was listening. Anyways it is how do I put this back together, if it is possible.

She is convinced there is to much damage in the family. Plus at his time she said she loves me as a friend but not as husband and wife. Maybe I am a fool and cannot smell the roses and it is over. She was a great loving caring wife until this happened. I would like to work it out. It takes two for that to happen. The good thing is she filed for divorce a almost two years ago and she has stopped it. Does that mean she changed her mind, nope, as our pastor said it is going to take a miracle. I cannot help it but I do believe in miracles.

The thing is I do not know what to do. I do not want to come on strong an force things. Last summer I thought for sure we were headed to R but something happened. I know part of it is the family thing. I wish she had thought about that from the start.

Do I send flowers, right letters talking about the good times we had. Do I just wait and pray for her to come back. It is so confusing.

Some have said I am a fool for wanting her back, look at trhe family situation. There are other people out their you could find another wife. If Iwe get back together or not it is not going to change the family situation my sister and bil are back together and appear to be headed for R. Yes I could find another wife. I love the wife I had and will always. I cannot explain it . If I think about what happened I think I must be an idiot.

So, what should I do. Try for a new wife? I am not a person who wants to end life alone. I enjoyed loving and being in love.I know that my marriage died with the affair. I would love to start a new one with the woman i love.

If it does not work out I have enough faith in God that he has something better for me. That is hard to believe because I did have the best at one time.I guess what I am saying is like everyone else I hate being in this position and I wish I could wake up and it was all a dream and not the nightmare I am living.

I miss what I had so bad. I have made wrong moves in my life and I have made them during this affair. I am hoping that this forum will give me some direction, comfort and peace to know I am not alone. It has been so lonely, the rejection is worst than a death. My friend lost his wife to cancer and he has told me he would rather go through what he did than what I am. At least with death it is not a rejection.I gave so much to my marriage and she still rejcted me. If I dwell on it I would go crazy, maybe I am.

I do not want to loose her but it is not in my hands, or is it, back to what do I do to keep her. That even upsets me at times. she is the one who had the affair, she should be chasing me right? I deal with these thoughts day after day.How can I still love her. I have been sleeping on a couch for almost two years. Cannot afford to pay her bills and mine but I pay hers. Some say I am an idiot for doing that. But i love her.

I know I should probably go for counseling. I do not know of anyone that can do it for free and I cannot afford to pay for it. My life is on hold and it sucks. I could divorce her and financially it would hurt but be better. then i would loose her.

I am a fool because I do not want to loose her because I love her yet i do not know if she will ever love me back again. how long do I wait. I know I am the only one that can answer that. I value the advice of those who have been there and those with wisdom. Thankyou for letting me vent.

I look forward to night time so that i can sleep, if my mind slows down, so I can forget. i dread the day as nothing changes. Yes, I know I am depressed. The good things is it is not constant. There are times I realize that there is a God out there and he cares about me and will take care of me. he is God and I am human some days are just so hard.I get mad at myself for not trusting him through this. I know better

Why did she have to do this ?

Ok, I cannot sleep this wonderful stuff is on my mind, another night of no sleep. I have been looking through the site and I can find nothing that gives a guideline on what to do in my situation.

I understand the love bank. It is hard when you are seperated to do that. I think I have been as I pay all her bills,when she needs something done I am there for her.We are not in constant contact. But there is no animosity it is just how it is.

I get so frustrated because I do not know what to do. I know I am repeating myself. I am just confused at how to go about restoring the love. I have never lost the love, she has. She does not feel love is a choice. Maybe she is still addicted to that feeling she had when she was involved in the affair. It has been about 15 months since the affair ended. Maybe I need to just move on.

My life is a nightmare, I know I am not the only one. Forgive me if i seem to be whining, that is not my intent.Some days are better than others, this is just one of those days. Thanks for listening

Is there anyway you can move back in together?? Can you get into the doctor for some sleep aids and ADs?

Please listen to these excellent radio clips of a BH and WW living apart and what Dr. Harely advises him to do.

Radio Clip on a BH Plan A'ing his WW from afar
Segment #2
Segment #3