Thinking about you.
Hoping all is well.
P.

Hey All

Just wanted to udate since its been months since I was really on.

D became final May 16th with WW signing MTA. Wasn't pretty but I wasn't really into all the footprints I had on my forehead from her walking out, getting drunk with Baldo and then breaking into the house when no one was home. Talked to the cops and maybe could have gotten property damage charges brought against her if I could prove it was her. Just let it go. I kept anything I didn't want to lose or be read safe elsewhere.

Finally got a temporary restraining order. That failed when it went to the hearing because I couldn't put actual threats or incedences of physical harm with it to make it stick. It did place her off the property for 10 days though while waiting for the hearing.

I changed all the locks and secured the house. She filed an order on me. Well it didn't work out exactly because the MTA she willingly signed stated that I have sole tenancy of the house until sold. Judge then gave her 2 days a week- 8 hour time period to be in the house. If outside of that without my written permission she could be arrested. This was so she could help "keep the place up" until sold. This was just a place for her to hang and see DD who is now 18 BTW. Also a good place to hang since Baldo has to work.
It was a win/lose for me but at least I knew the time frame she would be there. It was a lose/lose for her because she could not just waltz in any time she felt like.

Little more about her and then I will move on.
6 times since Jan 2011 in ER for alcohol induced dehydration/gastritous.
Got a felony DUI when she passed out in the MY car in our driveway...2 days after signing MTA

YES I CALLED

Went through 10th alcohol treatment admitting she was just doing it to look good for the court/judge.
Lost 2 jobs.
At present is on house arrest with home monitoring. Liscence suspended. Will have to install an ILD (have to blow zero to drive) on her now fully titled in her name 09 elantra that I have nothing to do with anymore. Auto insurance dropped her.

Sold the house and close Oct 6th. Made a little. Probably could have made more if I would have waited until spring but I could not stand to be in her play ground anymore. Judges order would have stayed in affect until the house sold so she could be ther 2 days a week.

Even as it was WW brought POS Baldo to the house. Neighbors actually watched and called me several times when he was there. By the time I could have gotten there (probably to get in trouble) they would be gone. Most of the neighbors were now watching the 2 P's OS.

The car was that last transfered property. She did not want to pay it off from the house sale but held out until she must have found out you can't put an ILD on a car not titled in your name. She would have needed my permission. Finally paid it off and that is about the last I have heard from her. That was about 6 weeks ago.

She still tries to hook me with medical this and DD that. The medical I don't respond to since she is off my insurance. The DD I call immediately when I get a call (which goes to VM) or text.

DD is now 18 and I keep our R ours. We have been getting out and doing some fun stuff together.
Even getting DS &GF out with us once in a while.

Living back in the big city again in a two bedroom with 2 cats. DD is living with WW so far. Not sure how long that will last. DD walks all over WW and it becomes a game with DD going -eventually not answering her phone from the WW. Funny-when I call she always answers or responds to my text.

Had to stay away from here for a while. I would read and get angry again as some of the sitchs just run too close. Feel like I am over that now and in a way better position than I have been in years. Amazing what happens when you open the brain up and dump out useless cr@p that really doesn't matter.

Met Ruby in August. We have been taking it real slow. Right now we have 60 miles between us so we are limited on time to be together.

How amazing God is to have crossed our paths. She walks the talk--For real. We go to each others churches and are getting involved. Basically 2 church families. A woman my age that is christian with good boundaries and isn't afraid to stand up for them.

Not sure where this is going to go. I know we are planning a trip to Uganda in late feb. Who would have thunk it? Just sent in for passport today. We will be staying at a ministers house connected with an orphange (About 100 orphans) . Flying back with a friend of hers who just went a week ago sunday for a long stay.

The clutter and crap is dissapearing. Its peaceful here. My DD stops by or we go out to eat and shop. DS & GF meet once in a while. Work is good.

Haven't been in this position where I basiically can do anything I chose without dragging a boat anchor chained to my neck since I was about 22. Taking it real slow now and am going to let HIM lead me. Listen and see what direction I am to go.

LIFE IS GOOD!

nESRE

Another MB success .... YOU !

Great to hear that you are finally in a good place.

It has been a long road for you nERSE, I know you did all you could and can hold your head high knowing you did everything possible to save your marriage.

Now it's time for your life to start over, I'm glad you have already met Ruby, I hope it goes well, guard your heart, and take your time.

SC

Update? How are things going i've followed your thread for a while now, i hope things are going well.

How are things going with YOU, oldmitt? We'd appreciate your update, too!

Just an update. Didn�t realize how long it had been since I posted to my own thread.

To recap:
I was married to an alcoholic wayward who kept going back to �Baldo�-the neighbor just down the road.
Stumbled around her for 3 years or so. Totally engulfed in all the ongoing drama of living with an active alcoholic/WW. Also started going to Al-Anon. Finally officially exposed her A in feb2010 with hand written letters to all who I thought could help or influence. The situation went from ugly to worse. DD and I moved out for 5 months. I was in plan B but DD kept contact. DD moved back to the M home because she �missed her friends�. I went back one week later and walked right back into the middle of what I left. WW kept drinking and seeing Baldo. Filed for D in sept 2010. Drug the D out about as long as I could. Tried to give WW a chance to sober up and quit the A. For the last several months lived detached from the WW in the same house. No chance that R was going to happen as long as she was drinking. D final in May 2011.
XWW is still drinking. Got a felony DUI, lost her good paying job and is still seeing Baldo buts its now OK since she is D�d. OK�.

Ds and Dd say they can�t stand to be around her because all she does is b ! tch about me. Still to this day. I have had no contact with her since early nov2011 when I had to transfer a car title over and wanted to make sure it was totally out of my name and paid off.


I took a voluntary lay off from work Jan/feb. Went fishing for 3 weeks straight and no I did not get sick of it because I caught fish every day. It was nice to give fish away to my family and elderly people who really enjoy them. Even got my Dad to the fish house twice since I could park about 5 feet away from the door. He is 80 now and it was nice to have a good time with him.

Went to Uganda in feb 2012 w/Ruby. The plan was to visit/tour somewhat/orphanage/life and then travel back with Rubys friend who was supposed to be performing business for the orphanage. We stayed with a pastor (orphanages director) at his house for 8 days in one of the largest slums in the country-Natetee which is on the edge of the capital city of Campalla. The country terrain is extremely beautiful with rolling hills and picturesque landscape. Natetee where we stayed was poverty stricken, filthy and ugly. New government in 2006. That is a whole other subject. We took about 900 pictures between the 2 of us.

It did not take either of us long to know the situation in the house there was not right. There was big time friction going on within the house. We did not have the truth of the story while there but the pieces made sense and the truth came out after we were back. We made the best of the trip and our time together. I won�t go into details but certain people could come here and post. We will just leave it at that.

Ruby and I got along very well on the trip. This was the first time we really were with each other pretty much 24/7. At home here we live 65 miles apart so getting together during the week is hard to do.

DD now 19 is still living with XWW. She has taken some wrong turns and got herself into trouble with the law back in Oct 2011. This first time she received a slap on the wrists. Just like her old man she is a hard learner. She got into trouble again in May 2012. This time is bigger and there is no defense. The �fixer� in me wants to try and rescue. I know that is not in my or her best interest. She needs to work through the consequences on her own and learn the lessons first hand. My �NO� and �I am not willing to do that for you� are very strong at this point. If I rob her of her experience and try to alter her story then I have sinned. Consequences and letting her decide her best course are best at this point.

1st year D anniversary came and went. Thought it would be tough but when I sat down and really thought about it I received exactly what the purpose of the MB�s plans try to achieve when followed. Implementing other suggestions from the few posters who followed me helped immensely even when off the MB�s track. Thank you!

Personal recovery. No more head spinning and endless drama that never seems to end because a new day brings a new crisis. Thank you MB's!

What comes to mind now is peaceful thoughts and very little drama. Took a while to get here. The 2 cats don�t give me too much crap- except in the box. Work has been good. Financially for now I am stable. The R with Ruby is good although I feel the need to date some other woman.

On another thread in the dating after D forum one of the posters said they wish the person they were seeing would screw up so they had a reason to break up and date someone else. I feel that way since Ruby is the first person I dated after the D was final. She is a good christian woman with strong morals and very good boundaries. We meet each others needs very well except for SF and we are short on UA time with distance. We are not going further with SF based on our commitment to what the Bible says.

The question I have is am I only staying with her as she is the first I have dated and the first woman who treats me very good?

We both would need to alter our lives drastically to take this relationship further. At our ages and where we are at with our careers neither of us wants to commute. She has a very nice home already and does not appear to want to give it up nor have we seriously discussed it. One of us would have to sacrifice to make this work now.

I feel like I am stuck as a renter right now and willing to give no more. Ruby is not pushing for anything more right now although there is a lot of alone time between seeing each other right now.

I have read about the contrast affect and dating 30 people. I don�t want to loose a good relationship and risk loosing her forever but also I am not sure about turning into a buyer with my very first relationship since D either.

Any thoughts would be welcome. Does what I talked about above make a difference because of our ages and where we are at with work commitments? It is not like either of us can start over and make a fairly sucessful career at this point as our ages are age 53/55. Nor do either of us want to drive 2 1/2 hours every day. Does the contrast affect make a difference with age or do the choices become more limited? Also at our ages good partners appear t be hard to come by. Most of us get very set in our ways.

Maybe this should be posted in the dating after D forum?

nESRE

Contrast effect... hmmm...

Well.


If you were previously married to an alligator with Aids, all the next person has to do to be better than the previous is not try to eat you, and not give you Aids.

That would be contrast.

You haven't been divorced for very long, and you have the integrity to maintain your relationship based on your beliefs... and both of you hold to that.

That's a pretty good sign, IMO.


Is there any rush?


Also, you have yourself in a spot where you can practice a foundational MB principal; Radical Honesty.


Be Radically Honest - tell her your thoughts; I care for you, but I would like to date other people (of course this is simplified).


Truth be told, ending any relationship is never going to be easy. No matter if it's the first person you have dated since divorcing, or the 10th. You are giving something up that has brought you joy.

Maintain your integrity, sir.

HHH

Thanks for the response.



When I really stop and think about dating the first person so soon after the D I realized life was such a mess until we sold the house and I could truely go into Plan B. My guages were soooo off from living with an active alcoholic/WW.

There is way more to this story.





There is no rush from either of us. I was not sure when our R started out that a good woman like her existed that walks the talk and lives it. I know myself I am a one woman at a time kind of guy and am not sure at this point that this was in my best interest to become exclusive with her especially so soon after the D. (About 3 months after.)

Sha also had not dated since her H died 3 years ago and I am her first.




Truth be told by nESRE I went back to try and find the post I was reading and I could not find it. I may have been wrong. I think I read it wrong (was late night) or took the writers words out of context. Also as I said above there is way more to this story but in the last 3 weeks or so I just find I will not proceed further with this R. I need to work this out. Being honest here I would like to take the easy road and should SHE screw up big time then it would be easy for me. I do not see her screwing up big time. RH---> The answer is nESRE owning this.




I totally agree and intend to with RH.


I am going to move over to the ADDRForum and let this die here. The SAA has been good but this would be a better fit with where I am personally at now in my life. Also seems to be more traffic with people in the same situations also trying to work out new relationships/dating after D.

nESRE

I moved!

NNL