tomorrow....

it was just a thought i was having, yes i can see it more clearly now, i never would have seen it then thats for sure.

any one have a "time" quote that is not along the time heals all wounds type that i am finding. its very depressing.

it is very hard to write your own card!!!

Happy Anniversary chickadee. Hard one for sure. I haven't bought a meaningful card for a handful of years, Hallmark is all for completely functional folk I guess, I just settle on the funny ones. Sounds like you might be doing what Letty suggested and making one, good for you and far more meaningful I would think these days.

My wife and I decided to turn the anti-versaries into better things. The past three years, we've planned family vacations and other good memories over troublesome dates. And some few we just ignore and get through it.

What we don't do is discuss the affair. Ever.

Next big one is in July. Registered for a local cycling event, and my wife will be there cheering for me at the start & at the end.

In case you wonder where I've been, see above for the answer. Fitness rocks.

I was going to suggest that as well. You know, the Shoebox ones with a dog talking about pooping on your yard or something.

Go with a laugh and a quick "Happy Anniversary, Love Chickadee" inside if that works for you. If you stress yourself out over it, it kind of ruins the point of the card, you know?

I have been wondering, but I'm glad to see you again. Please come back more often, but I don't guess I can in good conscience ask you to compromise fitness for our sake.

thanks for the ideas! had a photo card, but was at a loss on what to write, oh well. bought him a watch, he liked that.

i will stick to the dog pooping cards, its very appropriate for us.

it was nice day, but i was unusually sad.

i am watching a train wreck next door and its got me in a funk, why is/was my situation/advice so different? tick tick tick , the brain wont stop.

How's it going, dee?

Ahh see he posted ...wont look anymore... more tomorrow. Laptop broke both keyboayds dead.... on a kindle...
Need to feel keyboard click. ..lots of things going on thanks Nw for checking.

oh wow you may not want to read this, it long.....

i can tell you this is not easy. Each week there seems to be an issue or some drama. And that keeps setting me back.
Could be something like:

� Last week: H having a hard time at work bc outside events are out, unless I am able to attend. But I am considering some with limitations- H in fact played golf last week�. His boss gave him an ultimatum about attending events, so H is stressed.
� DSS is not communicating with him so H is stressed.
� I told him I felt like I needed more attention, and then I got the silent treatment.
� I tell H how I FEEL and he gets on the defense that he is doing everything�.
� Another phone issue
� H sister not talking to him because I am uncomfortable with them going out without me. And they want to go out with just him

These were some of the bigger things we had in the past week or so.

But there is always something, I would like a week to go by were we don�t have to get into drama as they are all reminders of this mess. Its very hard to put on a positive face and work thru this when there is always a setback.

So I wrote a post last week and was going to post it, but we had more stupid drama. So wearing the ring seems futile. (will post next- heck why not)

I requested 7 or so things from him/me- in addition to the list of EP�s
1. Finish the MB online course- this is taking a long time- I guess I would like him to be more proactive about completing it ( its been since august)
2. Post nup- not done-
3. Do a poly anytime I want- this cant be done until I ask � so that�s on hold
4. Finish the note book of the questions I asked. � I asked like 20+ questions about his affairs- he has answered some fully, but there are many that things were left out. like any details about baby momma, and other things. At this point I want him to do this for himself more than me, I may not read it. but the point is he is still hiding the truth and in fact I think he is hiding it from himself and he wishes it will all go away- I just think you also need to be truthful with yourself. I know you are supposed to give your BS all the details that they need about the A�s but H has not and the point of that is more frustrating than what I would hear. I know the details are bad, the magnitude of this is all bad, but answer the question. (this has also be dragging on)
5. Read a few books � he read 1.
6. Post or read here- he did last night.
7. Define what NC look like (really in the case of baby momma) � not done.

Without going into so many details the communication is poor- for a simple example:
Chick- How was your meeting with sue (our therapist)?
JB- Fine
Chick- good, is there anything we should talk about?
JB- yes I have a list
Chick � ok (and then we discussed)
After a few min H asked that I look something up on phone- and I saw a call to sue 40 min after the appointment began- so I asked �were you late to sue?�
DEFENSE, DEFENSE- now I would say in response # 1 something like we had a short chat because I was so late for the appointment but I have a list of things. See details left out.

Another:
How was lunch>?
Fine?
What did you do?
Grabbed something with Bob
And in actuality, H went out to a restaurant with bob, fred, john and frank.

As I looked at my post we seem to have a consistent theme running here��.

I saw my 2nd post and I said in that post that I was married 16 years (when infact it was 18), I am sorry I misled you all it was not my intention, I think I was just trying to protect my identity in case someone was stalking me and put our stich together.

Sorry this is so long.

Other than that looking forward to a nice long weekend together. When the rest of the world doesn�t interfere we do great.

...and you're stressed, too, right? So if it (the job) isn't working for either one of you, then, together, could you look for alternatives?


Do you know what the issue is?



As a guy here, I'll say that's a pretty vague statement to make and I'd probably sit there with a blank look as well while trying to figure out what the "right" answer is. Try being more specific or, better yet, don't ask for attention but plan something that causes him to give you the attention that you want. Then thank him for it, saying he/we should do that more often.


"I'm doing everything I can" may mean "I'm doing everything that I know how to do, but it must not be up to par and I don't know how to make it better so please tell me just what, specifically, line by line in alphabetical and chronological order just what you'd like me to be doing."


Did something come up?


Is your husband sticking up for you? What makes you uncomfortable with them?


I'm inclined to say that it's time to get all of this done and over with, once and for all. It's been, what, a year now and to keep bringing up the affairs is not going to help either of you. What about just sitting down with him, writing out a schedule and then doing it so that it's over with. Something like "Hey, here are the things that are important to me and I'd like to go over them with you and get a plan together."

I'm not trying to be dismissive, but trying to use a "rip the band-aid" off analogy of some sort where all cards are put on the table and you guys can start putting this past in the past.

This past will always be there, but I really believe that you just have to leave it back there sometimes. Not forgetting or ignoring it, but learning the lessons and then getting on with life. Right now, it sounds as though y'all are in some sort of limbo where you're asking things and he's hesitant to respond truthfully because he thinks you'll call it quits if he gives an honest answer.

What would say your husband's top EN's are?

sure but honestly the hastle about all these events is more stressful, he is thinking about what he wants to do, bc staying in the same field would be the same, i want to make sure he finds something that really makes him happy

no but i know its is hard to talk to H bc he is very fact driven. and thats hard when you are looking for support. I do think that there is lingering issues bothering him about H actions with babymoma- but thats me speculating.


ok i will try that.



uggh come on i am just saying things like i am sad. not that he is doing anything wrong, but he always turns it around on to him. but i will try.


yes- he needs to change his phone model for work, i have installed 4-10 different products on the 5 phones he had in one year- i am just tired of the hastle- its not easy and it never works right and this one needs to be jail broken....



yes he did this time thats why they are talking to him, they are blood is thicker people and anything to drive a wedge is good. there are so many issues.


i agree! i am not bringing them up per se i just want him to finish the questions in the book -its a point now- just finish already, i have gotten so many half answers i want the full one. i would like to put this all behind us over a year ago. so yes i know that you slept with X # of skanks but did you do it in the car? ( thats just an example of they type of info i was asking)i dont think that is unreasonable. "only give enough info". I dont think its fair to me, Just be done with this already!



yes he seems to be hesitant, but really dont think i would call it quits if he said i was late for an appointment- after all. the point is that its a habit that he cannot break. and i dont want to be his mother quizzing him, so did you eat lunch? what did you have? was there mayo on it? come on, this is simple conversation that he is withholding information about.


Affection
SF
Convo
RC
HO

thank you for taking the time i really appreciate any advice on this that i can get.!!!

i am looking forward to reconnecting this holiday. i would like to put that damn ring on and be done with this, but i am a bit stubborn and expect so much more now i never want to slip into the hole we were in and i have high expectations, but not anything that is unreasonable. If y'all think they are let me know.

thanks again!!

enough about me nw- how are you doing?

If my wife said "I'm sad" then I'd be looking for a means to fix that problem. Not coming up with a solution would be worrisome or irritating to me--more of a personal let-down that I couldn't fix it. And when I cannot come up with a solution, I get quiet (while I think about it) and she then thinks I'm quiet because I either don't care or am ignoring her. Which then ticks me off because I'm being misunderstood so I'm quiet again while I think about it and she thinks...round and round we can go.

Does that make any sense?

Maybe he's thinking the same way. Lately, me and the W will throw in a "Ok, I'm just venting and not wanting you to fix this. I just want you to listen and won't think anything less of you if you don't have a solution to this." or "Ok, I'm wanting you to toss out some solutions to this" so that both of us are clear on what the other is really wanting from the conversation.

...and it only took 16 years to figure that out. I've heard it's a gender thing, or it sounds like it to me. My inner monologue is along the lines of "If you tell me something, you're telling me because you want me to do something about it. Otherwise, why talk if there's no purpose to it?"


I imagine he's wanting the same thing (just be done with this already) so, with a common goal, hopefully y'all can come up with a game plan to resolve the loose ends.


I see what you're saying. If he's deliberately withholding information that is vital (i.e., the affair) then that's one thing, but what if he is omitting certain information (i.e., the mayo) because it just isn't that important to him and that it doesn't even occur to him to mention it? Some or most of life's daily events can be rather mundane, you know.

I think you should ask him just that. But be careful not to assume that his method of conversation is wrong and that your way is right (DJ), it's just not the way you prefer. And vice versa, probably. Some people just are not talkers but don't mean to cause any offense with it.

Asking open-ended questions is probably the best way. So what'd you do for lunch today?



Doing well, thanks.

As time has gone on, I find that some of the old behaviors still show themselves (DJ, mostly) and that we have to take conscious steps to stop, go back and revisit things. Nothing major, (hey, it's only behavior modification ) just a reminder sometimes of what "not" to do because it sure as hell didn't work the first time!

What are you doing to meet his top EN? SF?

i get you brain, but the street goes both ways sometimes, and when i am not having some of my needs met its kinda hard and the taker takes over. i did ask and he said no. i have been trying in other ways, wearing less, snuggling more....

but when i come out and say need more attention from H and i get ignored, SF goes right out the window.


On to another question...
How many MBers have gotten a postnup?
and if you dont mind- what it the general divide?

H is completing that list.. and we saw a lawyer today and it was very upsetting on a few levels.

this lawyer is a pit and pricey, but a good friend set it up for us. so the lawyer actually tried to talk us out of spending that kind of money for a postnup. he said why you do this you only have martial assets and no kids, everything would be spilt 50/50 if you were to Divorce. He then told us what normally happens and yada yada.

so he asked why do i want one, so i said in the case of another infidelity i want to have things wrapped up and not to draw thins out. and second in case of another A i wanted more than 50/50.

well the 2 of them just looked a me strange and H was i think in shock, come on are you kidding me????? maybe it was male thing. It just felt like i was being ganged up on (hash word- maybe not the right one). like the lawyer thought that well thats life your H cheats and you get 50/50. the cases that were egregious get more, and A's are not considered egregious, i consider my situation egregious.

but i am also disappointed with H, i would have like if he said its all yours chick.

i will discuss with H tonight. i guess i am feeling that i have to fight for myself.

writing this is making me upset and isnt giving me any great hope at the moment.

So how did the discussion go?

it didnt, H seem to have a stressful day at work then we had a night meeting. didnt want to get into it, the mood wasnt positive for a heavy discussion.

would love an opinion on it, its kinda hard to talk about with friends, they dont get it.

didnt sleep.

Hi chick I just wanted to comment on this dangerous cycle of events. Since I have a high need for SF I can understand this cycle from your H's side. What happens for us is that, I am being affectionate and insinuating SF, H is tip toeing around my advances or blatantly rejecting me, I feel rejected and totally disengage (it is my natural defense mechanism to steel up after rejection), and then I am cold and H certainly doesn't want SF when I am cold... See what I'm saying it is a bad, bad cycle to get into. There has to be one person willing to break through that cycle. If you are able to continue being affectionate to him and providing SF even when you feel there is a lack of affection on his side, him getting that need met will work to turn things around. I can only speak for myself and say that when I have that need met I am on cloud 9 and am MUCH more affectionate to H, so it creates the opposite affect.

I would be interested to hear more about this. I consulted with a lawyer who told me a contingent post-nuptial agreement was tantamount to a party's signing away his/her legal rights under duress, and therefor was unenforceable.

BV

thanks!

i agree with the cycle, we do that, i guess sometimes i need a break from always being the one to break the cycles. its just one of those times. but i still keep trying, there seems to be alot of heavy decisions going on right now and that adds to the stress of things. i asked that H stop taking his frustration with the stressful things out on me, like he bristles when i talk. its very disrespectful. regardless of what i say, he says opposite.


I also heard that they are not enforceable, but what the heck do i know i am not a lawyer... we have some lawyer friends but that opens a can of worms they dont need to be involved in.