Sugar what ever you say always helps! And your name always cracks a smile from me. And a hum or two.

Please tell me why my name cracks a smile! And why the hum? Have I been immortalised in a tune that I don't know about?

There really is only one question that matters in this situation, friend.

Regarding the item that raised the disruption, is he opposed to you, or alongside you, in the fight?

"Opposed to you" would be indicated by facilitating actions on his part such as:

- contacting OW
- having a third party contact OW for him
- having a secret (from you) communication link for her use
- failing to close (or reopening) a link you and he agreed to close

Elements that would NOT be legitimate indicators of his "opposition" would be:

- if he had never taken up with OW, this wouldn't happen
- she won't get out of our lives
- it's all his (historical) fault

I'm guessing there are NONE of the former, and ALL of the later on your plate right now. Therefore he would be alongside you in the fight, and you are missing an opportunity to strengthen your bond if you fail to make him welcome to help you.

Eventually the XBS must adapt a "currency" view of the XWS's actions, to wit: Did anything my spouse do recently contribute to this trigger? If not, fight through the trigger with his help, make adjustments to prevent it happening again, and move on.

1969 song called "Sugar, Sugar"

Permit me, Brainy!

Thanks NG!!! I wanted to post it, but couldn't at the time.

Thanks, friend.

I love "Sugar Sugar"! It's one of my all-time favourite pop songsI I think it is an example of almost perfect production. It was made by session musicians, I understand. I think the voices are superb, and the build from calm to frenzy is great.

I'm happy to have that as my song!

Well you are our Sugar Sugar now aren't ya?

Probably looking at you like a faberge egg teetering on the edge of a rock-laden canyon. Wondering if a touch would save you, or send you over the edge, shattered in a million pieces... knowing he placed you on that edge.


You know, chica, we got a few ladies here who got stuck with some real lunkheads. And some that just ain't doin the work.

In the continuum of lunkheaded WH's... yours? A little dense, but not so blatant.

I think you have a perfect case for total relocation. Removing geographical triggers, and shoring up the leaks in the NC barrier by getting him out of this job will help.


I only have a tiny bit of personal anicdote to back it up, but since NGB left her old store and department, I suffer a lot less anxiety. It's nice not having to walk into that old building anymore... and I don't really miss the wishful fantasy of finding OM on a freak occurence showing up and getting a chance to speak my... *peace*

Sugar, ah honey honey � its too hard not to hum it. its like a present when you open up your account and you see posts from people you respect AND thats ALL of you, and yes you all have little nicknames/or stories in my wakadoozle head.

NG- you are right- I don�t blame him, I am over that. do I think he made so very stoopid mistakes yes. I am just tired of the crap that keeps popping up.

Its like painting a room, you have to fix the cracks in the wall or it will keep bleeding thru. And if I cant reach all of the cracks to patch, someone has to or it will keep happening. And my arms a too tired and the ladder is broken.

�you are missing an opportunity to strengthen your bond if you fail to make him welcome to help you.�- True, but how do I welcome someone who cant figure it out himself, so we are two people staring into space say what do we do�.. or curl up in the bed and pull the covers up and say it will all be better tomorrow.. that�s a good thought but it doesn�t work.

�fight through the trigger with his help,�- he doesn�t know how and I wish I could tell him, but I don�t know how he can help � I really don�t.

� make adjustments to prevent it happening again�,- can do this I am the fixer, but he has a part in this, all of the holes that I can control are plugged.

� and move on.�- I wanted to move on long ago, just keep getting knocked over

HHH-

�Probably looking at you like a faberge egg teetering on the edge of a rock-laden canyon. Wondering if a touch would save you, or send you over the edge, shattered in a million pieces... knowing he placed you on that edge.�- BINGO

When I first got here I saw a quote on someone siggy ( I think GO or WPG)

�When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.�

I wrote it out and gave it to H because I thought about my own situation, then I realized it was for both of us.

Yes if we could just pack our bags, quit jobs and move to some small island- we would be great! the goal is to bank as much as possible and do just that. leaving jobs just delays that goal. But that�s on the table.

I am worried that since she did it once ( H agreed it was on purpose- not a mistake) and we don�t respond, she will keep trying and I also have baby moma to be concerned about and that WILL come up.

So do you think resending copy of the C&D letter or having the Lawyer send something would do more harm than good? Thoughts?

thank you all!

Sorry. It was actually one year and 7 months when OW decided to interject herself back into our lives. I had thought that we were doing pretty well with our recovery. I was blind sided by her appearance.

SC helped me to realize that I was looking at it all wrong and focusing on DH was unfair. Life is filled with thoughtless and cruel people...that is not DH's fault.

I like NG's statement:

I hope today is a better day Chickadee.

You are right... so, my question would be; have you allowed him to comfort you? Do you lash out when you break down, or have you?

Ever done the "just get away from me!"


I know my mind SCREAMED it so many times.... and at those times I just made the simple choice to NOT SPEAK.

Thankfully, so did NGB... after a few poorly chosen attempts at comfort.

sure hes allowed, but i dont know what i need that would comfort me. I dont really lash out, i just get very quite, i need time to think. after hours when he begins to communicate with me, and its never really about the issue more like hows your day, and thats not what i need.

h is not the comforting guy, he does not know what to do when he sees someone, anyone, most of all me upset, really he would rather run and try to fix it, than look at someone with raw emotions. he is not the one you run to and hug and cry when you are upset.

thats not to say when i found all this out i did not lash out i believe i did have some not so pretty moments. i am not a rager, i am the silent but deadly type with a hint of sarcasm.

H would never come up to me to give me a hug/ or a tap so "just get away from me" never happens. actually i think i said it one time and that was after i found out everything but i dont think he was even coming near me, i just think it was a general. "you need to get away from me buddy" like out of the room.

remember i am the egg (yes a faberge egg) and H is not familiar with comforting.

I could save a whole lot of typing by just suggesting you skip down and peruse my contributions to MSS's thread ("...Happyville").

But, in summary, kiddo, you have to be the Hero, now.

True, but how do I welcome (help from) someone who cant figure it out himself, so we are two people staring into space say what do we do�.. or curl up in the bed and pull the covers up and say it will all be better tomorrow.. that�s a good thought but it doesn�t work..he doesn�t know how and I wish I could tell him, but I don�t know how he can help.

Take it to the elemental level. Just tell him where (emotionally/intellectually) it hurts.

Example? "When you told me about that note I remembered the notes you did NOT tell me about during the A."

He'd better understand that his job then is to convince you of why it can never again happen, how it can never again happen, and why he still feels like crap that this "downer" visited you today, when you should be enjoying the new marriage he's working so assiduously to build for you. (And if he doesn't get that right pretty soon, then OUR job is to help him. I think we still have the rectal-cranial removal tool somewhere handy.)

thanks pokerface & HHH, you both have songs also! NG no song for you (sorry)to me you are just a fellow NYer.

i have read MSS and have gotten alot from it as i have from other threads also.

I got it, big girl pants are on.

see the problem would start with me i dont know where it hurts. and my example would be more like:

"when you told me about the note, i thought we had this all covered and its still coming up" clean up this crap already.

i would like to be convinced of why it can never again happen, how it can never again happen, and why he still feels like crap that this "downer" happened.- with feeling and sincerity.

get your tools out and while your in there sprinkle a few feelings and emotions a dash of empathy and the handful of knowledge on how to verbalize those things.

Oh don't remind me. I thought I was going to have to change my name...again.

NG no song for you...to me you are just a fellow NYer.

Geographic exclusion! (Residentialism?)

Before someone suggests "Send in the Clowns", my own self-nomination would be:

i have a legal question... about post nups

so we went to this lawyer (not the beginning of a joke) and it really isnt working out to well. i think its because H scheduled it so the lawyer thinks h is the client. I think i explained the meeting didnt go well. well the lawyer said he would draw up a post nup saying i get everything in the case of infidelity, but then asked H how would i prove it? its like he has already taken sides and is defending H. is that common?

do you think i should just go to my own lawyer and have it done.

i would love any tips on things i should ask or be looking out for.

thanks!

It kind of sounds like it. A second opinion wouldn't hurt.

I would imagine that there'd be some language in there defining what, specifically, constituted infidelity. You wouldn't want to get into something where the result depended on what the definition of infidelity is.

Speaking as a lawyer, I don't find that an unreasonable question. If you don't think about such things in advance there is always the chance they could become the focus of a court proceeding later.

But, yes, the proper thing to do would be for you to get independent legal advice. You and your husband are on opposite sides of this issue and therefore no single lawyer can adequately look out for both of your interests.