My wifes affair ended just recently. It has been a horrible experience. I have followed the guidance of this site and feel it is the reason we are still together this far. The affair has been exposed, she ppassed a poly as to the details of the affair and now we are left with a pretty big mess on our hands. The affair was exposed to my children, one being my 17yo daughter. I exposed it to her without my WW present. She has not spoken, more than just minimal, since hearing the news. She says she is not ready to speak with my wife and is upset because of what she did. She almost sounds like she would rather I leave her because she says " If she loved you dad she wouldnt ha e been with someone else. I am trying to be supportive of everyone around me and my wife at the same time. Our marriage needs attention but its like a separate battle with my wife and daughter. Any advise. Also we are awaiting the arrival of Surviving an Affair. What other products do people recommend for recovery after affair? Other books, videos, courses ect....thanks.

Stick to 1 thread. Ask the moderators to combine your threads, you'll get more response as people can go over your thread and give solid advice.

Many of us have gone through the Marriage Builders course that they offer here. They assign you a trained coach and take you through a course that takes about a year to complete. In it, you are assigned weekly lessons and then given a test afterwards. Throughout the program they measure the romantic love in your marriage to guage the effectiveness of the program. You also have daily access to Dr Harley over on the weekend forum.

Several of us have gone through this program and was worth every penny. It costs around $1000 and that includes all of the MB books, the CD set and access to a video course.

If you are diligent and don't want to spend that kind of money, your best bet is to follow the program outlined in Survivng an Affair. You can also order the workbook that goes with it, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Another great resource is the MB radio show [free] that airs every week day. You can listen to the rebroadcast for 24 hours after each show at the radio link. it is an invaluable resource that will really help you understand how this program works.

Here is the link to the online program: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

And I would let your wife resolve her problems with your daughter. Your daughter is rightly very upset because of what her mother did to her family. She risked her family all for what? A big fat loser... She has every right to be angry and your wife will have to deal with it.

The MB Online Program was instrumental in our understanding of how a good marriage works and on our path to recovery.

We tried doing the program on our own, but we really didn't get into like we needed to until we signed up for the Online Program. We needed that discipline.

We had the accountability from our coach and access to her for a year, access to the very valuable private forum in which we were able to pose our questions directly to Dr. Harley, and we can watch the seminars anytime we want to.

Even after the accountability year is over, we still receive the Love Bank inventory and have access to the private forum.

KGAA, Markos and Prisca also went through the course and Markos posted some super posts here about the course: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2644800&gonew=1#UNREAD

Don't try to control your daughter's feelings. She is entitled to make her own adult choice on that. You can reconcile with your wife even if your daughter does not. In fact, if your wife does reconcile with you and make amends, that makes it more likely that your daughter will accept her. Follow the POJA, put your wife first, and let your daughter be an adult and heal at her own pace.

You are actually lucky that your daughter understands your wife is to blame for her own affair. Dr. Harley says it is common for children to blame their father either for having an affair, or for "driving" their mother to have an affair! It sounds like your daughter has an exceptionally good head on her shoulders, so I feel confident things will work out well for her.

Start listening to the radio program DAILY. It's free. It's like an hour of free counseling or marriage class every day. It'd almost be stupid to pass the opportunity up in a severely damaged marriage.

Both of you need to read Surviving an Affair when it arrives. Also, both of you should watch every video on this site. There's a videos link at the top. There's first a video on infidelity, and then several shows teaching Dr. Harley's whole program. It's free! It'd be foolish to pass up the opportunity!

Get Dr. Harley's workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Get Love Busters. Get His Needs, Her Needs or His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. Really, any of the currently in print books are good, and I'd suggest that eventually you get them all, but your main focus now needs to be Surviving an Affair, the workbook, and the two main books (LB and HNHN).

The online courses, and the access to Dr. Harley in his private forum, is excellent.

We are awaiting our book order from MB as of today. My wife and I are civil to eachother and trying to go about our daily routines. My two youngest daughters want to be close to their mother while oldest pretty much ignores her. I told her today that it is her responsibility to work on her relationship with her daughter. Wife says how do you work on it when she won't even speak. I agree with the exposure plan for the solid recovery and marriage. My wife told me today that she feels she is clinically depressed, has a hard time even getting out of bed and getting through the day. I know she must face the consequences of this action but at the same time has to function to rebuild her marriage and the relationships around her. I probably made the mistake of talking abouther emotions as they related to the OM...The other mistake was i think being intiment with her to soon. WW syas i dont beleive her when she says she never opened herself up to the OM like she does me. WW expresses that ya, there was sex, but not in the way as with her husband. I dont know what to do? Stop discussing affair all together? Beleive what I want to beleive and move on with recover? I am at the point that whatever she says i justrespond by saying, whatever you want to do, I'm not going to fight, if she leaves, she leaves... i cant counsel her, my daughter and keep a job and family, while I am the one crushed and devastated one why my rock and foundation for the last sixteen years did such a horrid thing. Not sure, just protecting myself because I know my insides cannot take another punch of pain.

Any sentence like "It's your responsibility" sounds like a disrespectful judgment and was probably a love bank withdrawal for your wife. If we tell you something is her responsibility, that's for your benefit, meaning don't worry yourself to shreds trying to do something that only she can do.

Also, in order to feel intimate, your wife wants to feel like you are partners in life. So if this problem is affecting her, in truth, you need to be with her in her problems, and negotiate solutions together. But POJA them, and don't be willing to do something that won't work (i.e., you try to control how your daughter feels with demands, in order to win points with your wife).


She's passed a polygraph and you got all the information you needed? THen, yes, Dr. Harley's recommendation is to never bring up the affair again.

Have you read the infidelity articles on this website? What articles have you read?

We are awaiting our book order from MB as of today. My wife and I are civil to eachother and trying to go about our daily routines. My two youngest daughters want to be close to their mother while oldest pretty much ignores her. I told her today that it is her responsibility to work on her relationship with her daughter. Wife says how do you work on it when she won't even speak. I agree with the exposure plan for the solid recovery and marriage. My wife told me today that she feels she is clinically depressed, has a hard time even getting out of bed and getting through the day. I know she must face the consequences of this action but at the same time has to function to rebuild her marriage and the relationships around her. I probably made the mistake of talking abouther emotions as they related to the OM...The other mistake was i think being intiment with her to soon. WW syas i dont beleive her when she says she never opened herself up to the OM like she does me. WW expresses that ya, there was sex, but not in the way as with her husband. I dont know what to do? Stop discussing affair all together? Beleive what I want to beleive and move on with recover? I am at the point that whatever she says i justrespond by saying, whatever you want to do, I'm not going to fight, if she leaves, she leaves... i cant counsel her, my daughter and keep a job and family, while I am the one crushed and devastated one why my rock and foundation for the last sixteen years did such a horrid thing. Not sure, just protecting myself because I know my insides cannot take another punch of pain.

You sound (not very surprisingly) very anxious and a bit scattered. Maybe seeing your doc for anti depressants would give you some relief and focus needed for the uphill climb. Dr H recommends BSs do this. It's the worst pain ever.



I imagine your daughter feels very lied to also and is probably totally uninterested in words she can't believe any way. She will prob watch, wait and judge actions. Your wife needs to accept this.



She is still in the deep dark secretive place. Exposure will help this.



Never do that! Facts and logic are your ally. There's no reason you should trust her and you need time to properly heal. She has to actively do the work.



Do you feel she is doing enough? What JC is she putting in place? What EPs?

You should have your guard up at this early stage. She should know she's out the door if she doenst follow through with recovery.

What's your exposure plan? Who is on the list?

You desperately need this support.

Has been exposed to my parents, my brother, my immidiate boss mostly for justified time off when needed, the other BS's wife, her kids the OM's parents and a close friend, co-worker of WW. Will be exposed to wifes brother, just have not been able to. I feel ok, jsut have transformed myself through so much pain to know that in the end, I must be able to survive without her. I feel atleast right now I need to protect myself. I never in my life thought my wife could do such a thing. A full blown affair? Never. Maybe cheat on me? Possibly. The extent of her PA just crushes me in every way. I still love the person I had for so many years, but I often feel that one day someone is going to wake me up and ask me what I've been dreaming about. I sometimes feel like the real her is going to come walking through the door saying it is all untrue. I keep moving on with the small amount of hope that I see the real her and thers some reasonable explanation. All I can is sit back, support her and my family and see how I feel in the days and weeks ahead.

Has been exposed to my parents, my brother, my immidiate boss mostly for justified time off when needed, the other BS's wife, her kids the OM's parents and a close friend, co-worker of WW. Will be exposed to wifes brother, just have not been able to. I feel ok, jsut have transformed myself through so much pain to know that in the end, I must be able to survive without her. I feel atleast right now I need to protect myself. I never in my life thought my wife could do such a thing. A full blown affair? Never. Maybe cheat on me? Possibly. The extent of her PA just crushes me in every way. I still love the person I had for so many years, but I often feel that one day someone is going to wake me up and ask me what I've been dreaming about. I sometimes feel like the real her is going to come walking through the door saying it is all untrue. I keep moving on with the small amount of hope that I see the real her and thers some reasonable explanation. All I can is sit back, support her and my family and see how I feel in the days and weeks ahead.

It IS a separate battle with your wife and daughter. Stay out of it. This is part of the fallout of an affair. You need to let your WW work this out with your daughter. Let your daughter know that you love and support her as well as her mother, but she and your WW need to heal this themselves.

My WW said she would not ne offended and has no problem with a postnumtial. Are they a good idea and are their any examples on how they should read. Id like it to basically say...no contact with the Om and if another affair occurs within the marriage, you give up your right to jointly owned property and i have primary custody of our children. Thats it nothing else. Also we do not live "really" close to the OM, but his parents live within a mile of our new home. My WW ran into him at the local grocery store which I feel was the starting point of this whole mess. On the same note Ww had not seen him prior to this for 20 years. Any thoughts? We live in a small to medium sized city where you do see the same people on occassion. Thanks for the insight.

Another good clip about moving after an affair.
Radio clip on moving locations after an affair

KGaa, PLEASE keep your posts to one thread in order to get the best possible advice. Many wise posters may be ignoring it as they cannot go searching for the back story thread(s) each time.

I consulted with a lawyer who said a contingent post-nuptial agreement was unenforceable, as it represents an individual signing away his or her legal rights under duress.

I would be interested to know if anyone has first-hand knowledge of or documentation regarding an IMPLEMENTED, contingent post-nup.

BV

P.S. Most wayward spouses looking to stay in the marriage have no problems with a post-nup. My husband said to me many times that he would walk away and leave me the house if I ever wanted to divorce.

HOWEVER, when we were ACTUALLY talking about getting a divorce, that offer went out the window and he was putting a 60-40 split on the table.

Contingent post-nuptials are hypothetical, and as one poster reminded me, hypotheticals are worthless - how many of us said, before betrayal, that we would NEVER stay with our spouses after an affair?

Also, STICK TO ONE THREAD!

Dr. Harley seems to think that they are typically a bad idea. I've heard him at least a couple times tell WWs to go to their lawyers and get their postnups undone.

Perhaps you could write him about your situation and see what he says?