Thankyou for caring and taking your time to answer me. I do have sleep aid's that I use. i try not to use them everyday, sometime they help. I have read so many bad things about AD's I am concerned about using them. It seems lately you read something about damage to the brain. I know I need something. I am looking into natural alternatives.

I could just move back into the house. I do not know if that is the right approach. Legally she could not stop me.The house is in both our names.

I actually do ok mentally more times than not. It is better than what it use to be. It is constantly on my mind but I am able to put it in the background. The affair is not the major problem. I decided at the start if I wanted to reconcile I could not dwell on it.

My major thoughts are trying to figure out the best way to reignite the romance, on her part. I know that is her decision and she has her own free will. I get concerned that I am not doing things I should to get back together.

One of the problems is her depression and her feelings of worthlessness. I never meant to say low self esteem was the reason for the affair. I guess I stated it wrong here. I was just showing what state she is in mentally.

She crossed the line and the damage it caused may never fully heal no matter what. I believe I have forgiven her but I still wonder how the bedroom would be. How do you match that feeling she had in the bedroom with him.

They always say stolen melons taste best. I believe we get a strong almost euphoric feeling when we are doing things we should not.How can that ever be matched.

But I will not dwell on that. Baby steps and as of now we are not close to that. Others have done it I am sure if and when that time comes we will to.

It is so hard when you loved someone so much. I know I am preaching to the choir.I just need to vent to someone. I do not have anyone I can really speak to. I live in a small town and wether on purpose or accident if something gets said it always gets back to someone and sometimes what is said is not what is repeated.

I decided after things getting back to her that had been twisted I would talk to no one. I wish I had found this forum early on.Believe it or not I am a private person. I am surprised I am even talking about things on this forum.

I figured after reading some of the post there is so many people who seem to care and have been or are going through the same thing I am. Small town living is great but when you need to speak with someone everyone wants to know your business.

I know God is with me. I get so mad at myself for not being stronger in my faith. They say he uses trials to refine us and rejoice in them. I have to say this has been a hard one.

I grew up believing you fall in love and it is for better or worse and for life. I thought my wife felt the same way.

I know it is said here a mlc is not the cause of the affair. I do not fully understand that. I can see the boundaries thing with men. my wife had those boundaries until this hell.

She was not seeking or flirting. I know some will think I was blind to things but I really do not think on this. I knew as she became older she would have a hard time seeing her body age. In my mind she only became more beautiful.

I do not want to debate that subject as I am no expert. Thankyou

Please listen to what Dr. Harley says about a mid life crisis.

Radio clip on mid life crisis
Segment #2
Segment #3

Tell us what you think.

Poor boundaries doesn't necessarily mean flirting or seeking an affair. Poor boundaries means allowing someone else to meet one's emotional needs, for whatever reason.

Affairs usually start out as a friendship. The two people start talking more about personal things or doing things together, such as running or working out. All of this feels pretty good and the brain starts producing endorphins when around this person. That's a wonderful feeling and the emotions want more of it.

Meanwhile, the contrast effect is setting in. Next to the "wonderful" qualities of the OP (Other Person), the spouse seems dull.

A person can easily go from being in love with their spouse to being in love with someone else, once the love bank is full of deposits from someone else. That's why it's very important to live with high boundaries in place. Many of us have avoided friendships with the opposite sex for this very reason. It's actually very easy to fall in love with someone else if the love bank is open to others.

Regarding your faith, God hates divorce; God hates adultery. He doesn't expect you to rejoice during this time of grieving. He is grieving with you, I am sure of that. He expects us to draw close to Him and keep our faith in Him, regardless of what's going on in our lives.

My faith in God is the only thing that kept me going during those first awful few months after D-Day. I wasn't full of joy. I was full of pain and tears, but I kept seeking God to restore me, regardless of what my H chose for his life. He did. I know He grieved with me...as He grieves with you. Please don't beat yourself up over your "lack of strength" of your faith. Remember what Jesus said about having even the faith of a mustard seed...

The thing I finally realized is that the crazy feelings of an affair can NOT be reached in a marriage relationship. How can they be? There are out-of-control hormones going on, just like when you first met your wife and you were both crazy in love with each other. Then that "high" feeling settles down in a love that is deep. What can match the "thrill" of adultery, the feeling of fantasy? I understood over time that I was no match for those feelings. And, once FWH was back with me heart and soul, and he began to despise what he did, he loved what we had had all along. Only now, with MB, it's loads better than what we had before.

Just move back into your marital home and your bed. Just do it. Then begin to gently pursue her. Fill her love bank in whatever way you can. She may be in withdrawal from you and not allow you to meet any of her most intimate emotional needs, but there are other ways to meet her needs. You could do things to help her around the home, have pleasant conversations with her. Keep it very nice. No love busters ever.

Exposure is what MB recommends for a couple of reasons: to expose light on the affair and kill the fantasy, to keep the adulterer accountable, and to provide much-needed real life support for you.

You would be surprised to know how many others in your small town have been affected by adultery. It happens in about 60% of all marriages. You are not alone; it's because of the secrecy and shame surrounding adultery that few people talk about it. Marriage Builders strongly recommends exposure.

All I can say is thankyou so much. I have learned so much from my new family at this forum. I was a little concerned about mentioning about my faith in God. Not that I am ashamed but some people get turned off by it.

If it were not for that faith I do not know what I would have done.I use to deal with people in domestic situation and never understood the pain they were going through. It was more of a stop gap and get them seperated and calmed down. I now understand what they were going through.

I am not good with words and had preconceived ideas about mlc, and self esteem and boundaries. Reading how the affair starts is dead on. Here she ended up having it with someoine she really did dislike. But they had interaction due to a family situation and he worked his way in, not excusing her, it takes two.

But it happened just how you stated. We both are believers and I just cannot understand how she allowed herself to become involved. The brain high explains alot. I want to say again thankyou for allowing me to ask so many questions and repeat myself so much. It is hard when you need someone to talk to and there is no one there.

I wish there was a way to chat with someone when I am having a hard time. I did have a person I had met and that has since become impossible. It was nice to be able to have that person to talk with online.

I really am doing better than I was a year ago. I had become inward and would not go out. I dreaded to see anyone. They would ask about things and I never knew if they were just spying or gossiping. I stayed to myself and that was not good.

I do listen to all the advice I receive here and I listen to the broadcast that you advise me to. Do not think I do not respect your advice. I have found a gem and will use it all I can.

I wish there was abook I could give my wife that will explain about the affair, how it happens and the brain endorphins. If anyone knows of a book like that please let me know. I am not sure if she will read it but I think that if I could suggest to her it explains the brain thing she may read it.

She really is agood woman, I know some may not agree. This affair has destroyed her. Our pastoe said she may never be the same. The problem is she will not seek help. She hangs with a few friends who she knows will not judge her.

She has developed a friendship with her exhusbands live in girlfriend and that means the ex is hanging around. It is not that often but I believe she feels like she is just like them now because he had affairs and will not judge. I am no fool and as much as I am sure she would not become involved with him I am not comfortable with him around. her friendship is with the girlfriend but I do not believe she should be around him. I may be wrong and I am openb to other opinions. He even showed up to the house on his own to visit. She called me and told me it happened so I did not hear it through the rumor mill.To me it shows she needs to end the friendship with the girlfriend out of respect to her and me.

She needs to get around a different group of friends who would encourage R.She needs to fully own the affair she still talks me down . I believe it is because she knows it was wrong and wants to ease the accountability to her.I do not mean she sits there and rips me apart. She just has not accepted full responsibility. I believe she feels it makes her look better.

Lots to think about read and listen to. Just a reminder about a book. I think it would really help. One day recently when I was feeling really down I read some words that said "expect your miracle at a time you least expect it and in a way you least expect it. I believe that was from God. I do have the faith of a mustard sed. THANKYOU ALL SO MUCH!! I could never express fully how much you all ahve helped me in the past few days I have been here!!

This forum has many posters, from many walks of life and faith. Some profess a faith in God, while others do not. The forum is to post Dr. Harley's opinion and Marriage Builder concepts, so in general, that's the focus. By the way, Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce are Christians.

From the book Surviving an Affair, it's pretty typical for a wayward wife to feel justified in her affair and not feel much, if any, remorse. Not all feel this way, but he says many do.

Did you listen to the radio clips BH linked for you?

Get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. It explains a lot about how affairs happen and the narrow path of recovery. Meanwhile, take a look at all the reading and learning right here on this great website.

Then read the Basic Concepts Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders

MB radio is a wonderful ongoing educational tool that you can listen to at no cost from your computer. Go to the home page and click on Listen Now. Also, there is a large radio archive of past shows.

A good marriage is based on the Policies of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty. Your reluctance with her rekindling any kind of friendship with her XH is understandable. Dr. Harley urges married people not to have contact for former lovers, which includes former spouses.

Using the POJA, neither of you would have friends the other didn't approve of. You would have friends that each of you was enthusiastic about.

Have you listened to any of the clips I've posted to you?

Yes I have listened to some of the links you gave me. I should finish then tonight. I have a situation which is coming upon me. As I have said my wife and my sisters husband had the affair, which has ended. My other sisters daughter is getting married soon. My sister cannot understand why I would not go to the wedding and is pressuring me by saying I need to be there for my niece. I have not seen my bil since the affair and have no desire to. I cannot imagine being in the same room as him. It is not because of bitterness i just do not want to see him. Am I wrong for not going wanting to be there. I hope it does not sound trivial to ask this. I want to do what is rightThe last words I had with my bil is when he was having the affair but kept it a secret, hecalled me a coward. I told him to get off my porch and leave.No contact since this.

No you aren't wrong at all. You should have NC with BIL for life.

Please read this. This posters Husband had an affair with her sister.

She has advice from Dr. Harley on it.

Then tell us what you think.
Husband's Affair with My Sister

Thankyo BrianHurts, I just read that post. Your help is greatly appreciated as is everyone's.I never thought I would say I wish my wife had an affair with a stranger, it would have made it easier. I have learned so much since I started this post. I never understood the boundary thing, the moral upbringing. Now it is on to recovery. In looking through the site I believe I should post my situation there to receive more wonderful advice, if anyone thinks I should stay here let me know. I take advice real well. My feelings are if you ask you better be willing to listen. This forum has become my life line, I wish I had found it from the start.I did buy the book, "Surviving", but never researched for the site. I cannot foretell the future, I am willing to work it out and move on, but as we know it takes two.I find I have been doing somethings right already with "Love Bank" concept. I now know that is a good thing, now to try and fill it up. See you in Recovery.

Hello fullhope,

I noticed your post while checking in and see that it was a few months ago.

Don't know if you are still reading and learning or not.

I don't stay in touch with the forums as much as I used to do simply because my marriage has been healed and
the principles Mrs.Flint and I learned here saved and strengthened our marriage.

As they can yours.

As you will see I faced the same challenges you are, as my wife also had and affair with my own brother.

If you would like to read my story it is in my signature line.

If you have any questions feel free to ask.

You CAN do this if you AND your wife want to save your marriage.

God bless.

Jim

Thanks Jim. Nice to see you back once in awhile.

Fullofhope this is another great story to follow and how they've remained NC with the OM/brother and how even family events have been handled.