Didn't know if you saw this.

And it reminded me of a joke that my dad told me when I was a child, where a man when to the doctor, and said, "Doc it hurts when I do this," as he raised his arm above his head and the Doctor's answer was "Then stop doing that." That's supposed to be a joke, not real life.

Did anyone actually make it to the end of this long post?

Yep.

Hope that the last test turns out ok for you. Take care.

RS, I would say that "I'm okay" but honestly, that would be my public image. When I am really upset, I sort of cocoon myself. And it's not like I come out like a monarch after the cocoon is gone, more like a moth, but it is what I need.

I was actually going to update my thread, in hopes that it may help someone else out there know that they aren't alone, although with this crazy muppet brain of mine, it could just be me.

I'm about to be 100% completely open and honest with you all, and that makes me quite scared, because I'll be vulnerable. Also, I don't quite know where this is heading.

I alluded earlier in my thread that I had been experiencing some health problems. Well, the problems aren't a big issue, it's just some pain in the center of my chest, as well as an inability to breath without pain or pressure, especially while I am boxing(which I have been doing for 2 years now, and I LOVE it). It started in October, and I just fluffed it off. At first, it felt like a strained muscle, or some such. In January, however, I was hitting the handpads and I actually blacked out. I stopped for a few minutes, and when I tried again, my vision started to go gray. I decided that was it for the night, and the next day, I went to the doctor's. She asked me about my symptoms, and I told her. When I mentioned the blacking out, she said, "Don't do boxing anymore." I looked at her and said, "What? I've been boxing for a year and a half and only recently started to experience problems, so it's not that." Also, I had to laff because I am quite over weight and the thought that a doctor would tell someone NOT to exercise was ridiculous. And it reminded me of a joke that my dad told me when I was a child, where a man when to the doctor, and said, "Doc it hurts when I do this," as he raised his arm above his head and the Doctor's answer was "Then stop doing that." That's supposed to be a joke, not real life.

Anywho, the doctor was immediately concerned with my heart, so she sent me for an ECG, a chest xray and had me set up to have a heart monitor for 2 weeks. Also, I mentioned that I believed it may have been asthma which was the cause, so she set me up for a specialist appt with an Asthma and Allergy specialist. I had the heart monitor on in February, and it wasn't fun, especially since I am allergic to adhesives, and had to wear the monitor for 2 weeks straight. The findings from the heart monitor, ECG, chest xrays? I have a bit of a racing heart, but nothing to worry about.

Fast forward to last month, and I get the specialist appt. Lung tests, allergy tests, stress tests, etc. Today, I go for my final test, and I am told that my asthma isn't that bad, so that's not the cause for my pain. Well wooohooo. On to the next thing.

During this health scare(because I was honestly quite worried that there was something seriously wrong), i was ANGRY because I had to deal with this all on my own. I started to realize exactly how alone I am right now. I know I'm not truly alone, but I don't have a partner, and I haven't for some time, and it SUCKS.

So, we add to this the fact that I work part time at a retail job, and I apply at a tonne of other places with not even a call for an interview. It sucks. And full time employment, forget about it. So of course, money's quite tight, and my house is falling down around my ears, literally. I had a tarp on my front porch roof that has been there for about a year. But, I need to plug along, and take care of what I need to, because that's all I can do. Then, my DS11 needs braces because one of his teeth didn't come in, and this isn't covered by Bampot's benefits. Of course. Oh, and then Bampot decides to remove me from his benefits, so I no longer have dental or prescription coverage. Oh yea, rolling in the dough at Casa Scotty.

Needless to say, I have quite the load of external and uncontrollable issues that I am dealing with, and at the same time, it's me.

I have read enough on MB to know about Buyers Renters and Freeloaders, and I remember reading something about Plan B and how it changes a Buyer into a Renter, and it made perfect sense to me. Too bad that it isn't easy to get done. While Bampot was home, I didn't look at other men. I didn't find the need, at all. For 18 YEARS, Bampot was the center of my world as far as men were concerned. Now, I could tell you if a man was good looking, but it was in the same way I could judge a woman. There was never any interest or curiosity in regards to SF with any other man. I'm being completely serious. And many of my friends thought that I was weird, heck I was beginning to think that wasn't normal. Now, I realize that it was more because I was a Buyer, and here, it would have been considered normal.

Anyways, I have some conflicting emotions, as I have begun to feel attracted to men. There was a real war going on in me, because I felt like morally, still being married, I shouldn't be attracted to anyone. It's not anyone I really know. Some actors, strangers that I check out, etc. My boundaries are up high enough that I don't really have any relationships with members of the opposite sex. I'm not that worried about having a RA, since I don't present the opportunities for one. I am quite aware though that had I not found MB, I would have actually probably already had my own A. SHUDDER.

So, the funny thing is that my inner war is that if I am to even fantasize about a guy, and he isn't Bampot, I feel like I am "cheating" on him. Ridiculous? I dunno, but it's what I'm at war with. I need to reconcile my feelings about everything going on with me. I had always found pride in the fact that I had only had SF with Bampot. Now, the reality is that that is going to be taken away from me. I don't want to be alone forever, and I don't think that I should be. I have a lot to offer someone in the future. Just sucks that I have to wait about 10 MORE YEARS. ARGH. That makes me angry too. Bampot gets to go around trying to fill his ENs and mine go unfilled. BOOGERS. I hate that. It's not fair. He was the one who chose to commit adultery, and I'm the one that needs to sit home, alone and take care of the kids. I want to feel protected. I want to be loved the way only a mate can. I want to have that partner. That rock to lean on. That person who cares for me. It's not all fantasy, I had it. And now he has gone and given it to someone else. And he has probably fixed any of the things that I used to complain about, and now he does them for her. That gals me.

I am clearly on a down of the Plan B coaster, and I expect that a lot of changes will occur. As with a lot of people dealing with change, you gotta get to a real low point before you effect change.

I honestly thought I would be much further along in all of this by now. I thought that my career path would have been clear. In the beginning of Plan B, I felt like I could achieve anything, and now, I have gotten into the normalcy of life, and I want something different.

So, I think you all can understand where I'm at with posting on MB for a bit. I just need to get my stuff together so I can help others. It's like what they tell you on planes. I need to put the Oxygen mask on myself before I can help anyone else.

On the Bampot front. Last week, I was walking down my stairs about 630pm, and I heard the special ring for Bampot on the landline. Then, he left a message. It was for the boys, but I deleted, and they didn't even know he left it. It was something about him taking them hiking the next day, I didn't really listen to it. Just enough to know that it wasn't for me, but I was shocked because he hadn't left a message on the answering machine since Plan B first started, and I had to unplug the machine.

Then, yesterday, being Father's Day, the boys had a visit with Bampot. DS9 made him a card and a paper with words to describe Bampot. He came home from the visit and told me that Bampot liked it so much that he cried. That tugged at me a bit. But it doesn't change the fact that Bampot is still a wayward, and so far gone that he probably doesn't know what light looks like anymore.

So, today, I come home from my last specialist appt and there is a message on the machine. I press play, and I hear someone talking, funny, I didn't recognize his voice, until I heard the context of the message and realized he was leaving it for ME. Something about changing his work schedule, and wanting to give me notice when he got it, I don't know what else was said, since I hit delete as soon as I realized what it was, and who it was from. WTH? I don't need anything else plopped on top of my steaming pile right now. ARGH.

I need strength. Those prayers for Walls and Doors sure has turned out much differently than I had expected.

Did anyone actually make it to the end of this long post? Tehehehe. I'm always around, popping in and out, and when I see something I can help with, I will. You guys are amazing, and I'll be back around again in no time. Take care everyone. I'm living La Vida Loca over here but it will get better. I'm gonna make sure of that.

...so a F/T job of my own, with my own benefits is a must right now. And it's something I'm working on.

I need to move to Australia for the summers, Caracal, you ready for a visitor? Or maybe I'll just move to Scotland.