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What were you talking about?
I wasn't listening... What? 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What were you talking about?
I wasn't listening... Ha! My oldest said that to me the other day. A least the little bugger's honest.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Repeat rant: Stuck waiting, she can remove her wall so no one can post ANYTHING to her. She COULD make her profile more secure. Is there a reason she isn't? Having an easily accessible profile is an important part of building her career. Fans post things, she posts back, new fans search her out to get a look at the music, photos, videos etc. There are options, yes. But for a musician, the usual "get a new job" mantra won't work. Only because they are unwilling to actually get a new job and do something else.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Repeat rant: Aw, shoot, it's a rant thread, so I don't know why I edited my post three times. Here's the original:
Only because they are unwilling to actually get a new job.
The question is: is being a musician more important to them than their marriage?
I love what I do, but I'd give it up in a heartbeat if my wife wanted me to. She is far more important to me.
I don't know why it became culturally acceptable to rank music as a special class of career that people are "born into," but our culture accepts a lot of strange ideas.
The odds of success as a musician are very, very low. In my opinion all of this career building with Facebook and such is essentially like playing the lottery. If a musician doesn't have some kind of a contract by a certain point in their lives, they need to face reality and give it up and do something else. And if their career is hurting their marriage, they need to do that sooner rather than later.
Oh, no, I disagreed with some sacred cow ideas that musicians think about themselves.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Repeat rant: It's relatively easier for me to drop my job and get a new one in my chosen field, or a new one, if I wanted to... for a musician, it's much harder to find a new job in their current field. I think the problem is that the constraint of "in the current field" is an irrational constraint. If I asked my wife to choose between her marriage and music--and I'm sure many other musicians would do the same--she would take the music. If she didn't, she would resent me forever for forcing her to choose. That is not a recipe for a happy marriage. If she asked me to choose between her and IT, obviously it's an easy choice for me. But if she asked me to choose between her and my left leg, that'd be tougher. What you are describing is not a recipe for a happy marriage. It's a deification and idolatry of music. I sing, play guitar, and do all kinds of stuff with music. It doesn't have to be my career.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Holy cow.
Music more important than the marriage? No way.
ITA with you--if you have no contract by a certain point, you ought to get a new job. Post videos on Youtube if you must continue, more than one musician got their start there. Albeit mostly younger ones, but one could still make money from pageviews alone.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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It's a deification and idolatry of music. Yesterday in church, part of the message was about the worship of "me-ism". Idolatry of self.
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I so get the oil change analogy....just makes me ponder tire rotation, front end alignment, etc.....sigh......to the future box.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Yesterday in church, part of the message was about the worship of "me-ism".
Idolatry of self. Speaking of "me-isms", I just watched the reality series "Bridezilla" on Netflixs (I was reaaaallly bored). That show should be banned! If impressionable young teens/women are watching it, or most of the reality shows these days for that matter, they are being trained well on how to be a future WW. It's all about me, me, me and I don't care what it takes or who I hurt to make me happy.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Rant on:
Ignorant counselors who take people's money and can't figure out the problem.
I have had no counseling education, but I can smell an affair a mile away. And when affairs are identified, the counselors have no clue what to do about it.
Rant off.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Most people never think about you at all, much less log in just to see what you're ***EDIT***. Talking about.
And, I am in favor of boating licenses to make sure all boaters know the Rules of the Road. Another tragedy on our lake by inexperienced rent-a-boaters, this one involving Usher's stepson, maybe GA will finally change the law. I hope so. Stupid boaters suck.
Last edited by CWMI; 07/09/12 10:41 PM.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I think we don't have to worry, I'm sure Usher will do all he can to assist the law in being changed.
I was not aware that you did not need a license to boat. In some ways boats are MORE dangerous than cars.
Last edited by karmasrose; 07/09/12 05:23 PM. Reason: changed 'caged' to 'changed' ...wtf?
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Rant on:
Ignorant counselors who take people's money and can't figure have no intention of figuring out the problem.
I have had no counseling education, but I can smell an affair a mile away. And when affairs are identified, the counselors have no clue what to do about it.
Rant off.
AM Just tweaking your post to rant about the thing that kills me about counselors. Their goal isn't to figure out the problem. Their goal is to repeat visits with their clients to discuss childhood issues and issues of 'self'. Neither which will help a marriage. Follow the money trail... 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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MB,
I don't really think that people go into the counseling field with the idea that they are learning how to make money by people coming to them in perpetuity. Maybe, they turn out that way after practicing a few years.
More marriages than not suffer the devestation of an affair. If a couple seeks counseling for marital problems, it seems as affair should be the first thing ruled out. Yet, some (most) counselors can't spot one even if all the signs are there.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Some titles do not have actual educational and licensing restrictions. Certain types of counselors do in some states, and a few types of therapist (usually involving things like physical therapy etc).
People who are actually schooled in practical counseling and/or therapy, however, have a goal to END therapy. The entire point of it is to get the person up and going on their own in concert with a physician and/or psychiatrist if necessary.
Other therapists, like the one my XSIL started dating... no clue. He was a general contractor as his day job.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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here in nz, basically anyone can hang out a shingle and start up a counselling business (told this by a counsellor!). no LMFC, no degree, nada. it pays to ask, if you're going that route, though i do agree it's a waste of time and money. when we were assigned a counsellor, ahem, "dispute resolutionist," by the court (6 freebies), i spent the first appointment grilling her, with WHs "how to find a counsellor" paperwork printed out.
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Letty, I have never seen a MC in NZ I would recommend. I did find a M course that was good, but just just stuck to my IC, rather than bang my head in MC. Relationship services (TIC) is just another name for 'making good co-parents'
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday
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MB,
I don't really think that people go into the counseling field with the idea that they are learning how to make money by people coming to them in perpetuity. Maybe, they turn out that way after practicing a few years.
More marriages than not suffer the devestation of an affair. If a couple seeks counseling for marital problems, it seems as affair should be the first thing ruled out. Yet, some (most) counselors can't spot one even if all the signs are there.
AM I like to think that counselors choose to go into their field to help people. Funny how it doesn't turn out that way in the vast majority of cases that involve infidelity. Why discuss childhood issues? Why discuss whether or not a client has achieved their life goals? Addressing the affair is common sense. I cannot believe counselors do not know this. Nope. I believe they are trained and schooled in a very linear way, which makes no room for infidelity. The question is WHY?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Because most of the people who are doing the training have had/are having affairs???? Because there is a tendency to minimize the effects of affairs??? Because if a person has not lived through it, the devastation of affairs is not personal???
Don't know.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Because most counsellors are trained to look at a person's "reasons" for having an A.
Not the effects. Not the wayward's lies. A counsellor will buy the lies. What else do they have to go on, unless they are prepared to challenge the client and lose their patronage.
Make no mistake, a drug and alcohol counsellor, a marriage counsellor... they will usually ask the client WHY they are doing the behaviour they are doing.
And the justifications begin, because they are asking an addict.
Note, they do not ask the addict's family or friends. Now, there would be an intesting answer. In my experience, this avenue is usually only open when working with children. Once an adult, you get half the avenues of truth. And half the success.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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