This is my second post. I started out in SI and feel I should probably be here. I am trying to do the right thing to save my marriage.

Just in case you do not know the background I will try and give a short version. I do not know how to add the link to my post.

I am 52 and my WW is 46. She had an A with my sisters husband. It lasted about 6 months. I have never asked her about it. Not sure what is the right way but I feel the less details I know the better.

We have three children a girl 24, and a male 20 , from her first marriage. We have a son together age 18. This is my first marriage her second. Her first husband had multiple a so she divorced him.

She is living in the marital home, I am living in an apartment with a relative.She did not work during our marriage. For most of the past two years that we have been separated I have been paying all expenses, hers and mine. She recently started a new part time job.

I have made the decision to try and work things out. I weighed the pros and cons and I want to keep my family together and I do still love her. I thought long and hrard, was it a divorce that I was afraid of or do I still love her. I believe in my heart it is love.

I know if we stay together it means NC with my bil or my sister.I would not choose to not contact my sister but she is working things out with her husband so I do not want anything to do with him. My sister and I were never that close.

I think that answers most questions. I have read the book SI. Itwas one of the first books I found when I became aware of the A.

I have learned of the "Love Bank"Since the affair has ended I have not pu my wife down or asked a thousand questions. I did not want to know a lot of details. I figured the less I knew the less I had to forget.

I have tried to do as much as I can for her, from a distance at times and as of late.Last summer we appeared to be on our way to R and for some reason she backed off. She is of the believe there is to much damage done within the family to ever work. Other than my sister my family has said they forgive her and have shown her nothing but love.

I was not the cause of the A. From this forum i have learned how my WW had a problem with "Boundaries" around men. Apparently I did not or she perceived I did not meet her EN's. She bad mouthed me terribly to family and friends. Someone told me here that a person who was raised with high morals would do that as they knew what they were doing is wrong. That makes a lot of sense.That is exactly what happened.

If what she said was all true I do not know how she stayed mararried to me for 19 years. She painted me as a controlling manipulating monster.Yes there are two sides to every story but this was all a lie.

I have tried to fill the love bank. I take her out to eat, pay the bills, come when she ask me to do something. No matter what I do she still does not show ant significant signs of R. She did cancel the divorce proceedings.

Some have told me that I should move back in. Legally I could but I am not sure if that is the way to go. Would she look as that as forcing the issue? She has said that right after we were married she realized she made a mistake, funny thing is she told me the same thing about her first marriage. I do not believe she did not love me because I felt like the most loved man in the world and returned that love.

I believe she has said all she has to try and justify the A. I think she still holds to this in an attempt to still deflect the responsibility for the A.

Some friends have told me I should just wash my hands and move on. Love is a strange thing, if I was on the outside looking in I would say the same.To me as long as we are not divorced there is hope.

I do not want to do anything that could scare her away. I have been thinking on some more ideas to try and fill the LB. I was thinking of sending her flowers with a letter and talk about some of the good moments in our marriage. But I am not sure if that is a good thing, any of you ladies or men who have been there thing that would be good or bad? Any other ideas?

If I seem confused it is because I am. my mind has been a mess since this has happened. I do not always think straight. I wonder if I am just refusing to see the truth and it is over. I believe in fighting for what you want. I just cannot give up.

I live in a small town and have no one who has not heard something and I do not trust they would not speak with her.Thankyou for allowing me to post and vent. Sometimes it feels good to vent. I am a person who is open to criticism and advice. Why ask if you will not listen. I was given links to certain radio broadcast and I did listen to them.It would be nice if there was a forum for those who find themselves in a family A.

Hi fullofhope,

Just notify the MODS and they can merge your threads.

Thankyou BrianHurts. you have been so kind to me with all your help.I am so confused at times. My mind will not settle down. All I want is my family back.I hope people do not think my questions are simple minded. I just want to do what is right and best to restore my marriage.

You're welcome, my friend.

Isn't your WW out of the home? What's your plan to move back together?

Have you thought about getting some ADs?

My wife is living in our home. I am paying all the bills. I have not moved back in. I am not sure what to do. Sometimes I think I worry to much about saving the marriage. I am not sure how she would respond if I moved back. She could not stop me. I worry that might push her to divorce. I have been advised in the past to give her, her space so she does not feel forced. In regards to the AD's, I have read so many bad things about them I have been concerned about taking them. I have been offered them by my doctor. It was obvious to him I am in depression.

You need to move back in. Your wife is free to continue her affair if you are out of the house, and it is also much more difficult for you to monitor her behavior and work on recovery if you are out of the house.

Take your Dr up on his offer and get on AD's to help you through this very traumatic situation.

Ok, you have been separated for two years, and she still lives in the marital home and SHE is the WW?
Why did YOU leave and why didn't you fight for her 2 years ago??? Do you realize how that looks to your wife? And NOW you want her back?

You have a very tough road ahead of you my friend. Not impossible, but you made it much more difficult by giving her up so easily 2 years ago.

Fullhope, so you have been separated and living apart for 2 yrs? When did the A happen? Were you separated because of the A or for different reasons? How are you confirming that the A is over and there is no contact with her AP?

fullhope, please read this thread

Men stay in your homes

Looking,

Please hit notify and ask your threads to be merged so the posters can have your whole story.

IMO I think you should merge this with your thread in SAA, instead of the other way around. Since your wife is still living separately and has indicated that she may not want to work recovery (I think this is what I have read from your other thread), I think it is jumping the gun to move here.

The SAA forum has a lot more activity and you will get more help there, particularly if you are doing Plan A, Plan B, etc.

fullhope, I hope your still out there. I didn't mean to scare you away! Did you read that thread that I linked for you?

~RQ

First thank you for all who have taking time to offer their help. I just asked the mods to move the original post. I have been fighting for my wife since this has started. I agreed to move out because I was advised to give her space. When the trouble started I was told to give her space. I was not sure if there was an affair at the time but I had my suspicions. She came out blasting me and accusing me of everything she could , bad husband, father, controlling, manipulating etc.. In fact in my original post someone had stated how people who are raised in a high moral home do just what she did because they know what they are doing is wrong. Because of all the things they were saying my counselor (pastor) at the time told me to give her space. There was an emotional affair at the time but it had not turned physical. I knew that all the lies would eventually come out, and they have. The affair was finally exposed but she still stuck to her stories. I am not saying I am perfect but I was not what she was claiming, not even close. In fact other than a couple people in our lives at the time all others see the truth. The physica affair lasted about two months. I would have moved back in but I was repeatedly advised not to. The thought has been still give her the space to repair from all the damage of the affair. She has gone through depression , whichwas explained to me here it is from chemicals in the brain.After the affair ended we started spending alot of time together but rthen something happened and she started backing off. She became concerned about the damage from the "family" aspects of the affair and could not see how it would work. I do not know what is right. If I move back in it could help or she could feel threatened with having no choice and end things. I was told by someone very close to her that she is "damaged goods". They did not say this to run her down but mentally she is not thinking well. She had filed for divorce two years ago and has since stopped it. That has been a good sign as she was pretty set that we should divorce and maybe we would remarry down the line.It really is a miracle that we are not divorced.I have thought over and over about the moving back in as of late. At times I think it is what she needs to get back on track yet I really am concerned it will push back to divorce. I welcom any and all ideas.

You need to move back into your home. You cannot recover from the affair by having space. You cannot fall back in love with each other by having space.

I think you should stop seeking help from your advisers, they have advised you things that have perpetuated the A and are destroying your marriage. You might consider counseling with the counseling center.

So when did the A happen? When did you move out? I am confused about the timeline and just wanting to know how far entrenched things are.

Your wife sounds like she has no plan, no direction. MB can give her a plan.

I do not know the exact date the affair started.I noticed in June there was abnormal contact, multiple daily texting. I moved out in September, only was going to be a couple weeks but turned into almost two years.The A became physical sometime in November and lasted until January when bil ended it.Was it a good idea that I moved out, I do not know. At the time I was advised to so I did it to save my marriage. Looking back I think it may have given more of a opportunity for things to grow.He started hanging at the house in October.With what she was claiming the counselor felt it was best that I leave and give her space. I cannot change what happened if it was right or wrong time will show. I believe if I did not follow what he said at the time I would be divorced. Should I move back in now? That is the question. I am not sure how it would go over if I just said "honey I am home". Please do not think I am joking about this or do notr take advice seriously. I appreciate everyone who takes time to offer their thoughts. I am no expert at this. If I need to move back in then how do I go about it. Legally I could just do it.Should I try romancing first, send flowers , send her a letter reminding her of how we met and all the good times we had. Please help with your advice as to what I should do. Thank you

You should have a conversation with her that goes something like this. "I am 100% committed to recovering our M and making it better than it has ever been. For that reason I am moving back home." And you should have this conversation while you are standing in the foyer with your bag beside you.

The only reason she should have to not want you home is to continue contact with her AP. If she is no longer in contact with her AP, and she is committed to recovery, this should be a welcomed move.

Also, did you request to have this moved back to the SAA forum? I think you will get more help there.

Thankyou for your advice. I actually thought I started out in SAA and thought I should be here. If you feel it is best at SAA I will go back there. It is a very confusing time in my life. I want to make the marriage work and do not want to do anything to hurt my chance's. My ww has no contact with my bil. He is back with my sister and supposedly trying to work things out. I am skeptical because I know after he broke off the affair he tried to renew it. I know this because my ww told me how he tried to get things started again. He had some of his family members try to contact her to see if she would be willing. Do I think my ww would go back with him, no, but I never thought she would have an A. It is a hard thing being in a small town. Thank God I have not seen my bil since the A ended. Being from a small town we all attended the same church. The preist has been very involved with counseling. All parties, except my ww, have been counseling with him. He is saying we all should be able to attend the same church still. I do not see how that is possible. I understand the forgiving part but all be in the same building. There is not a lot of choice's for church in a small town but I just cannot do it.I think he is wrong there.I fully understand when you say I should just come home and do as you say. I am just so afraid it might scare her away. I just know I need closer one way or the other. My choice is to work it out, but you need two on the same page. She still appears t be trying to play the victim. That "high moral" upbringing has here trying to justify things. I am not perfect and would do somethings different if I could do things over, but I was not the cause of the A. I have learned so much from the members of this forum. I had very low self asteem about this A. She has pounded me so bad during the A. I was starting to believe I was to blame, no more.

You will not be able to attend the same church. You need NC for life. When are you moving back home?

Can you and your WW move?

I would move in a heart beat but she will not. She will not leave her kids. It is hard living in a small town. I agree with the NC I never want to see him again. Moving back in, I will soon do that. Thankyou for offering your help.

Can you do MB coaching? They are very good with getting reluctant spouses on board.