I know this is long, but we really need your help. I need some honest feedback that will help my husband and me. We have been married almost 17 years ..I am 43 and he 47, and we are both very attractive fit people. We have 2 boys ages 12 and 9. We both have careers and money isn�t a major issue. Seven days ago my husband found out that I was having an emotional/physical affair with his best friend for the past 18 months. He found out by reading several emails that P (the best friend) and I had exchanged. To make a very long story short, I confessed to all that went on. One of the emails he read was in my drafts folder never sent but it asked P how he has sex with his wife and if it was difficult. The email I wrote also stated that I�d rather be by myself than to kiss my husband. We have been friends with P and his wife and kids who live in our community for about the past 7 years. We have been on vacation together as families before and during the time of my affair with P. So when P and I began this emo affair is was with someone I was already friends with. We talked all the time and at about 3 months we kissed and then progressed very slowly. 10 months into the relationship we had sex. We had sex 6 times in all. P and I told each other that we loved one another�there were letters/cards too. We tried to break it off several times but had difficulty. When I was confronted by my husband and the cat was out of the bag, I felt awful for hurting him, and I had an �aha� moment where I realized that it�s him who I really love. I�ve learned that it�s easy to tell someone other than ur husband that u love them when ur relationship with ur husband is secure. As soon as my husband knew, I realized that it is he who I love and that possibly the affair was a symptom of something wrong in our marriage. This past January my husband & I went to counseling because I said I wasn�t happy. The counseling was helpful on certain levels but I couldn�t bring myself to tell him about the affair as I was afraid of how he would react. My husband asked me if I was having an emo and or full blown affair with someone, and I said no. My husband and I had a lot of sex during this time and I only had a little email contact with P. However, I did sleep with P in June as I took the day off..the plan was that would be the last time. For the record, before this I have never done anything wrong..nvr cheated..always the good wife. Also, I didn�t feel emo secure with my husband with certain issues. My husband has stopped talking to various people in his life and has cut out a few ppl out. He and his mom didn�t speak for 5 years over something trivial. My husband is a great man but he expects perfection from himself and those around him which is hard to live with at times. Ok so after he finds out about my affair, he told me about his philandering that I hadn�t known anything about. 4th year of marriage he had an affair with a woman in another state. When I left for work he would get on the ferry and meet her there and they would spend the day together. It was more than just physical, but he never told her that he loved her. She got too close he ended it. At this same time we had just bought a house & we were trying to get prego with first child which I did at the same time. He stayed away from her but several years later had an affair with a women who was half his age. This one was even more physical, and she too developed feelings for him, but he didn�t for her. He cared for her as a person only. At this same time we become friends with P and his family. P and my husband become fast friends and they would go out and continue this type of behavior. So my husband had about 6 affairs in all..2 before P and at least 4 while hanging around with P. P was far worse than my husband. P has slept with his neighbor�s wives as well. My husband said he (my husband) would feel really guilty and he said he did it because he wanted to feel like �the man,� or �the [censored].� My husband is insecure by his own admission mainly due to a long term HS/college relationship. In fact he met with her the other day to resolve some issues with her. It was helpful to him. He said that I never made him feel like I lusted for him. He couldn�t tell me this then as he didn�t want to hurt me and he didn�t know how, and he said what u do sexually with ur wife is different than what u do with your girlfriend during an affair. He also said that sex with me was always great which is true�we had a good sex life. So he did this to build his ego. Eventually, he went to a priest to confess and the priest said u can�t ask for forgiveness if u are going to continue the behavior. The priest said it wasn�t necessary to tell me due to all the pain it would cause. So he stopped for a but still tried on 2 occasions to meet up with women while hanging out with P but it didn�t pan out. At the same time my relationship was beginning with P. My husband and I both agree that if my relationship with P never began, my husband would probably have continued his behavior. In addition, while he was cheating and before my affair, I found viagara and a Trogan wrapper in his jacket. When he was questioned, he denied it of course. P never told me any of this. For the record since January my husband�s relationship with P had dwindled for 2 reasons: 1) P�s wife felt that her husband and my husband spent too much time together 2) P was secretly seeing me. For the record, my husband is very upset with himself for letting this man get too close to me. So now my husband and I are in counseling. I don�t want to be with P. I want to be with my husband. My husband still loves me and I love him. We have talked more openly these past 8 days than ever before. The talking is raw and it hurts on both ends, and every emotion has serviced, but we do it cause it�s helpful. He thinks my affair was worse than all of his, and I agree because it was his friend. I think we can get past this if we love each other and try really hard, and put our egos aside. My husband feels that he can never get past it and then divorce might be the only option, yet he still talks to me about it and has agreed to counseling. I feel it really comes down to a HUGE communication problem in that at our times of need we went elsewhere instead of to each other. For the record P�s wife doesn�t know. My husband and P spoke via email and phone conversation a few times since this happened, and there friendship is officially over. P and I haven�t had any contact. If he tries to contact me in person by following me, my husband and I agreed that I would say, �I have nothing to say to u,� and then drive home or to a family or friend�s house. I know this is a messed up situation, but any helpful advice/comments or even questions would be much appreciated. In other words, is there any hope?

Lucy, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you please break that down into paragraphs so folks can read it?

hi lucy, welcome to MB. i am sorry you have found yourself here, but if there is anyway to recover your M, MB is the way!

let me see if i understand your sitch in a nutshell:

you had a 18mo affair w/your husband's best friend (OM).

after your H discovered this, you learned that OM has been having sex w/lots of women, not just you and his wife.

you also discovered that your H has been a serial cheater.

is that about right?

the first thing you should do is expose. exposure is the first step to recovery.

in melody's post, above, there is a link to Exposure 101.

you need to go, together, you and your WH, to the OMs house, and confess to his wife (OMW).

you then need to expose to all the Hs (husbands) of your WHs adultery partners (APs/OWs).

you also need to read all the info on this site: the basic concepts, the "how to survive infidelity" video, etc.

you definitely need to buy Surviving an Affair SAA - 1 copy for each of you.

that will get you started.

the next thing you need to do is post here often. the people on this forum are experienced with Dr Harley's principles and can help guide you to recovery.

however, you said that money isn't a problem. my #1 recommendation is to book an appointment with one of the harleys for marital coaching. it'll be the best money you ever spent. don't bother with a councilor where you are. someone else will chime in with why this is a bad idea.

are you ready to do these things?

Lucy, I managed to get through your post with great difficulty, but if you want to get more responses, you need to break it down into paragraphs. Most people won't take the time to read through that and you need as much help as possible.


You can get through this if you have a plan. Not having a plan is a plan to fail. The basic problem in your marriage is that you have very poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex and lead separate leisure lifestyles. That has made your marriage very vulnerable to affairs.

So changing your lifestyles by eliminating all opposite sex friendships, creating integrated lifestyles and becoming so transparent that it would be impossible to cheat will be one of the first steps. Additionally, you and your husband should never spend the night apart again. We can help you affair proof your marriage.

Another first step will be telling the OM's wife what you have done to her. That news should come directly from your husband. A big reason that adultery has poisoned your marriage for so long is because your husband never ever repented and told you the truth about his affairs. That was dreadful, UNCHRISTIAN advice that your priest gave your husband. Lying is never the solution to adultery.

Start living in honesty instead of deception. Make sure the OM's wife knows all about your affair so she can protect herself and her children from you and her husband. Your husband can also tell the OM's wife about his other affairs.

Tell your children, close family members and friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable.

Part of honesty means your husband tells you all about his affairs. Names, dates, everything. The spouses of any married partners should be notified too.

The next step is to create an affair proof, romantic relationship where you BOTH get all of your needs met by following the Marriage Builders program. Commit to spending 20+ hours of undivided attention with each other each week.

Most marriages do not ever recover from adultery, but you can come out of this with a GREAT MARRIAGE if you follow this program. I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. It will transform your marriage.

^^^what mel said. make sure you reread the last paragraph!

Holy mackeral, girl! TMI! Let's cut out the chaff and get this thing into readable shape so no one goes cross-eyed trying to read it.


Okay. That's a little better. First things first: you need to call P's wife and let her know what her hound-dog husband has been up to. He's a serial cheater. She deserves to know that.

Second, forget typical marriage counseling. They're worthless. Can you schedule an appointment with Steve Harley, the counselor on this site?

Get 'Surviving an Affair' - it's in the bookstore on this site or you can order it from Amazon.

Do your children know how callously the two of you have treated your marriage? Tell them. It will be good for them to know why things have seemed so dysfunctional in their lives. Do your parents know? Tell them. It will help confirm accountability going forward.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You can recover this, but you both have work to do. And it isn't for sissies. Are you up for it? Can you get your husband to come here?

Married 17 years 2 kids. My husband found out I was having an affair with his best friend for the past 18 months by reading emails. I confessed all. One email he read which was nvr sent asked P how he has sex with his wife/if it was difficult. It stated that I�d rather be by myself than to kiss my husband. We talked all the time..started slowly and 10 months in we had sex�6 times. The words love & a future was discussed. We had unsuccessful breakups.
I feel awful for hurting my husband, had an �aha� moment realizing that I do really love him, learning it�s easy to tell someone u love them when ur husband is secure. My affair was a symptom of something wrong in our marriage. I told him I wasn�t happy & we went to counseling..helpful on certain levels but I didn�t tell him about the affair. He asked me if I was having an emo/full blown affair with someone, and I said no. My husband and I had a lot of sex during this time and I only had a little email contact with P. However, I did sleep with P in June as I took the day off.. that would be the last time. Before this always the good wife.
I don�t feel emo secure with my husband. he has cut ppl out of his life. He & mom didn�t speak for 5 years over something trivial. He expects perfection from himself and those around him.
After my affair was out, he told me about his philandering� 4th year of marriage had an affair.. more than just physical, but spoke of love. She got too close he ended it. We had just bought a house, getting prego with first child. Years later another affair w/ a woman half his age. Also physical�she developed feelings, but he didn�t for her.
P and my husband become friends & cheated together. He had about 6 affairs..2 before P and 4 while w/P. P was far worse than my husband. He felt guilty and did it because he wanted to feel like �the man.� He is insecure due to a HS/college relationship. He met with her the other day to resolve some issues with ..it was helpful.
He said I never made him feel like I lusted for him. He didn�t want to hurt me by telling me but said what u do sexually with ur wife is different than with your girlfriend. We had a good sex life he admits. This was to build his ego. He went to a priest who said not to tell me due to the pain it would cause. He stopped but tried 2 times to meet up with women while w/ P.
At the same time my relationship was beginning with P. We both agree that if my relationship with P never began, he would probably have continued. He denied an affair when I found viagara/trogan in jacket. Since January my husband�s relationship with P had dwindled for 2 reasons: 1) P�s wife felt that her husband and my husband spent too much time together 2) P was secretly seeing me. My husband is upset with himself for letting this man get close to me.
We are in counseling. We love each other. We talk more openly now than ever. He thinks my affair was worse than what he did and I agree because it was his friend. We can get past this and try really hard, and put egos aside. He feels he can�t yet still talks to me about it and has agreed to counseling. We�ve had a HUGE communication problem..we went elsewhere instead of to each other. P�s wife doesn�t know. My husband and P spoke since this happened/friendship is over. P and I haven�t had any contact. Is there any hope?

This is Lucy R..I apologize for how long it was. This is new to me, and I'm a mess. I did revise it and reposted...hopefully others will respond.

Ty for ur responses thus far.

Lucy R

lucy, scroll to the bottom of your post above, and hit the "NOTIFY" button. ask the mods to merge your two threads. it's best to keep them both together. they can add this one to the bottom of the previous one. this forum gets a lot, unfortunately, of traffic, and it's easier for everyone if your whole story is in one place.

Suggest std testing for all concerned.

Lucy, did you read our posts?