Nobody here wants to 'punish' you, just assist you in getting out of the wayward fog and enlighten you on how to be the kind of woman and wife you want to be, and how to have an amazing marriage, based on the Marriage Builders concepts.

What reaction has your BH had since DDay, given that it was now a couple weeks ago?

Have you asked him to come here for help? How have you been 'working on it?'

BH has been the same, not really any changes. He always says we have a wonderful marriage. He seems very happy! That's really how he is though. He's not a complainer and is not one to show emotions. He doesn't want to come on this site. He sees no reason to.
I will check that book out, Surviving Infidelity. The reason I thought about leaving is bc I'm very lonely in my marriage. Someone said to get busy in life. I've tried that, but still miss OM terribly bad. I feel miserable and very unhappy.
I think a big thing about it is that BH and I have a friendship type marriage. There's not really chemistry even though both of us are nice looking. He's not really into me in that way. If he is, them it's once in a blue moon. I really don't want to be miserable forever. Aren't we supposed to live joyful for the Lord?

Thank you again for the comments. I apologize for short answers before. I really do appreciate your advice.

Adeaton, it is to be expected that you will miss OM.

You're in withdrawal.

You won't feel passionately towards your husband while in withdrawal.

But it won't be this way forever. You're doing the right things Keep it up. Dates and spending time together will make no difference just now, but eventually they will.

You should cancel Facebook - too tempting.

What have you done to ensure OM can't reach you on iPhone? Or any other way?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this website?
Please do so now

You ask about being joyful in the Lord?
Please remember the 10 Commandments. One of which is Thou shalt not commit adultery.

I was recently told by S. Harley, that chemistry, or what can be also referred to as compatibility, is not "who or what we are" but rather, its "the choices we make". Just because he said it though, doesn't mean I've bought in to the concept either, because I haven't. However, my mind took that concept and said two people will NEVER be perfect for one another: such does not exist and it is unrealistic to believe so. Accepting that then allows me to consider my marriage a work in process, where my wife does thing to make me love her -creates chemistry-, and vice verse. This is the Emotional Needs that is always being discussed. Therefore, if you communicate those ENs correctly, and your spouse tries to fulfill them, it just may end up being chemistry is really those choices that you and he make. My difficulty with all that is I don't want my spouse constantly making choices to fulfill my ENs when she doesn't want to do so. That is where I have the break down in the concept that chemistry is really the choices we make. I then tell myself that two people can never be perfect for one another. If I lived in such a place where two people can be perfect, I think it would be called Heaven.

Listen to what some of of these other posters suggest to you. It appears you have an open mind to this matter, and are willing to work on sustaining the vows you made in front of God.

What rriggers or reminders of OM are still in your life?

Anything relating to OM will prevent you feeling close to husband.

Gifts/letters/cards/emails/texts/

Do you ever see him? Google him? See any places you associate with him?

All that needs to go if you are to get through withdrawal.

Good. Keep spending as much time together as you can. Are you meeting each other's need for SF? Do so, as much as he will allow. No, don't leave unless he wants you to go.


A deactivated FB account can be reactivated instantly. You need to delete your account. Here's how to do it: Permanently Delete FaceBook Account

I need help bad. I relapsed and now feel really guilty and need to end this for good. I got on our online game site and OM had posted that he missed me and can't live without me. I ended up texting him and calling him. I even told him the truth about me being married. He said he was disappointed and hurt, but I wasn't happy in my marriage. He said that with us, I was very happy and we were perfect for each other. He said I was probably unhappy long before meeting him and the Lord puts people in each other's lives for a reason. He still thinks the Lord put us together. I started really believing him.
Now, a day later, I know that can't be true because what I did was wrong. I look at BH and really do love him and the amazing, sweet person that he is. It brings tears to hurt him.
It feels like when I break things off, I'm miserable bc of missing OM and knowing that I really love him alot. I hate hurting either of them, but can't have my cake and eat it too.

BH and I can be happy if I put forth the effort and make myself stop being miserable. It's like it doesn't matter how much fun we're having, I'm thinking about OM. Is that normal? We went to my brothers for the weekend, had an amazing time, and was still thinking about OM. Then, we went to a concert last night, and I started texing OM.
Please help me. Am I just addicted to OM, do you think I'm that in love with him that I'll always be miserable and missing him if I stay with BH? You guys are experienced in giving the best advice and know what you're talking about. I desperately need help.
If I stay with BH, I do now understand that I need to send the letter to OM that you were talking about. I will do that. I have closed the phone app that we played, but then always end up getting it back. What is my problem? I'll also get the book, "Surviving Infidelity." Thank you for suggesting that.

Please tell me your thoughts. Should I leave BH or do you think we will be happy later down the road? I know I'm miserable when not talking to OM. He's always on my mind 24/7. What do I do now?

GloveOil,
How did you overome your affair?

Adeaton, you never really came clean with your husband did you?

You didn't give him your internet passwords. He does not know to monitor you. You did not become accountable to him.

You are trying to do this alone while your brain is still fried by the affair drug.

Your conscience screams at you to come clean, doesn't it? But the the drug tells you to keep lying to your husband.



Do this.

Tell him about the recent contact too. In which OM became an active adulterer.

Then show him this thread and tell him we are willing to help him with the pain you keep inflicting.

Ill start believing you then.

The Lord had something to say about that: I think it was something like "Thou shalt not commit adultery." It doesn't get much clearer than that.

What a lowlife snake, to use religion to try to manipulate his way into your panties. That right there tells you everything you need to know about this OM's character. (Damn, that is rich... I mean, I was a louse during my affair, but you've actually made me feel glad that at least I never tried to fool myself or the OW into believing that God would countenance what we were doing. Holy crap... ) Adeaton, can you explain to me one single way in which your OM's stance is Christian by any definition? Can you?

My Lord doesn't lie in order to destroy marriages. The fact that this guy would try to suggest that God would countenance an affair makes me sick to my stomach. Adeaton, if your faith has any breath of life left, then you should find this personally repulsive to you, just as it is to me. If you don't feel revulsion here, then your profession of faith is 100% phony, 100% dead.

Question for you is, are you going to make a choice to be just like this creep?

This isn't even a tiny bit complex. Never in your life will you confront a more simple decision. Are you really going to screw it up? So that you can go be with some thug who's willing to screw over your family, screw over your husband (a man who's never done him any wrong)? Why in God's green earth would you willingly choose to be with anyone who has demonstrated so clearly his dearth of character? How is this a hard choice?

You can either go all-out on no-contact & fully expose the affair in order to institute accountability in your life, or you can kiss your integrity & reputation goodbye.

I saved my marriage & together we made it better than before the affair, and yet I still live every day with regret for how foolishly I almost ruined it. If you trash your marriage instead of giving it your best shot, you'll never live a day without regret; and that regret will be way more than what I have to deal with.

Choose wisely.

Indie girl,
Yes, I told my BH everything. He has access to everything but doesn't seem bothered to look. He's definitely one to not show emotions. I've asked him to read these posts and he says no and I need to move forward. I didn't tell him about the relapse bc he will for sure leave me.
This morning, OM called me and was very upset that I had lied. He said that he would've done anything in the world for me. My actions haven't shown anything to him so he doesn't believe I love him. To make it short, we ended everything.
I think he still wanted us bc it's hard to lose what we had.

My next step is to be the best wife possible and get over OM. Sometimes, it's too easy to call OM with BH not caring to monitor me. I don't blame him for not wanting to live having to check up on me all the time. I have to be strong enough on my own and get through this. My family deserves better!
Thank you for helping me to live right!

Oh, for crying out loud. Adeation, what do you want? Do you want to save your marriage, or not? If you want to be with OM, then GO and stop torturing your husband. Pack up your stuff and get out, NOW. Get a flight out of town and go off to be with your boyfriend.

Did you tell your husband that you weaseled back up to your boyfriend? What did he say?

How is this telling him everything? Selfish.

Why are you trapping this man in a dishonest marriage? Tell the truth this instant.


Don't be an imbecile, Adeaton. The OM is jerking you around because you are a cheater and he knows he CAN jerk you around. He's found himself a woman with such loose morals that he can simply blame god, threaten dramatic partings - and voila. He has you. He's not done and neither are you. Neither of you have a clue.

This faux Christian is just setting you up for a longer torture period.

And you are setting your BH up for a longer torture period.

Translations:



"I am not strong enough to get through this on my own, clearly. Every chance I get, I go panting after my affair partner. But if I come clean and tell the truth that would really interefere with my abilty to have two men besotted with me"


"I do blame my BH. I've put my feet in the air for another man yet I am callous enough to say HE does not care!! It does not occur to me he might be in too horrendous shock and denial to respond, while OM is using the bible to charm my pants off. Like all evil-doers throughout history, its simply easier to demonise the victim".



"My next step is to do absolutely nothing differently. This way I WILL backslide again, and conveniently I can blame my BH for trsting me too much. Yes that trust is based on my continued lies and his shock but I will choose to blame him anyway"

Adeaton, I am quite worried about your BH. I think he is deep shock judging from your description of his reaction.

The shock has made him believe you can be trusted. He simply cannot wrap his head around how low you have sank.

He needs to know now that you continue to cheat and lie.

Only the truth will snap him out of his shock.

Tell the truth and stop being selfish.

So after that big long blah-blah-blah about feeling guilty for your 'relapse' you turned around and answered his call AGAIN in the morning.

Let's get one thing straight - this is NOT a "relapse". A relapse is not drinking for 5 years and succumbing to the pressure and having a few drinks one night. Your situation is CONTINUING your affair.

Your husband is quickly withdrawing from you because he knows you are still lying to him. He has been hurt enough, he know longer wants to see what crap you've been doing to him behind his back.

You keep saying "if I decide to stay with my husband"... why don't you give HIM the choice in this? You have a choice. Your OM has a choice. You both get to choose, why is your husband the one who has to 'submit' to your decision whether or not you will continue to cheat on him in your marriage???

And finally, you have two kids. You are being a bad mother right now. Is that what you want to be? Do you want your sons to grow up hating and not trusting women because they couldn't even trust their own mother not to be??? In all of this me-me-me-me I haven't seen you take one ounce of care or respect for the horrible things you are teaching your children about women, love, and respect.

You can't pull off your lies with me, Adeaton. I've heard 'em before, 'cuz I was a liar just like you once.
You still haven't changed your phone number, so OM can call you anytime.
You still haven't exposed that the affair is still ongoing, so you have no accountability.
I told you how to end an affair: (1) Exposure and (2) No Contact; and the two facts above demonstrate that you have implemented neither. This proves that you're not serious about ending the affair.

You're not looking for help; you're looking, as I said earlier, for permission to quit your marriage.

Affairs are addictions. To break 'em, you need accountability and no-contact, just like with any drug.
True story: When I was in an emotional affair, I knew it was wrong, but thought I could be strong enough to do the right thing on my own, without telling my wife what I was mixed up in. But it didn't work, because I was too eager for the free attention & admiration that OW kept throwing at me. (And she wasn't anything special.) And within a couple of weeks after vowing to myself to end it, I was in a full-blown physical affair. I hadn't exposed it, and I hadn't taken steps to ensure no-contact. And it went on for another 5 weeks, during which I came closer than I even want to think about to trashing my & my family's lives irrevocably.

The way you're trying to do it just doesn't work. I know. I've been there.

In 1st Corinthians 13:6, it's said that Godly love rejoices with the truth. But that's from a faith that you don't really believe. Truth, for you, is dispensible and disposable, just like your wedding vows. You and truth are so far apart, you aren't even in the same zip code right now. The truth is, you're hooked, even though if you look at it rationally (as I'll do in a minute), you have to agree that this is all so wrong for you.

..."what we had"... What you had was [is] a bucket of vomit & lies. What you have is a married woman lying in order to attract male attention from someone other than her husband and to portray herself as better than she is... what you have is a man willing to break up the marriage of another man who's never done him any wrong. Well, what a real Romeo-&-Juliet story that all is, ain't it? How is that any better than a mugger who lies in wait in an alley for a random victim, knocks down the victim from behind, kicks him in the teeth, drops a knee onto his back, steals his wallet, and cuts his face with a pocketknife afterwards just for fun, and then runs off, leaving his scarred victim lying there on the dirty pavement in a pool of blood and broken teeth? That's this "fine, upstanding Christian man" you're pining for. That's your Romeo, your handsome prince. He's that same thug.

How could you pine for that, Adeaton? What kind of life do you think you could have with a person with that kind of character? Oh wait, you think you can fix him? That you'll repent together & live guilt-free? Oh, gimme a break, Adeaton. At what point can the both of you stop the lying, when it's become such a way of life? What if you're wrong? This caring, attentive guy showed you his true colors the second he urged that your relationship continue, after he found out that you're married. "Character" for him is obviously merely an affectation, something he wears to lure people into his life, something he can slip on & off like an old shirt, like a condom, whenever it suits his purposes. Imagine living the rest of your life with that.

You're hooked and you need help to pull yourself out. You need exposure and you need no-contact. You need to be more afraid of following through on your pining than you are of telling your husband the truth and changing all of your phone numbers. And you should be very, very much more afraid.

Wake up from the grave, Adeaton, before they close the lid on your life & nail it down. I've walked along part of the path you're on. Take it from me, it's not the way to go.

You can have a better marriage, and you & your husband can work on that together. But none of that can get off to a very good start until you purge the affair from your life. Come clean with your husband -- honor him with the minimal respect to allow him to make his own choices based on the truth about his marriage, for that's what the "best wife possible" would do (and isn't that what you just said you wanted to be?) -- and take every step you need to take to ensure that OM can never contact you again.