I just went through and read a lot of a member's post regarding polygraphs. In the the questions she is asking about past affairs. Also during the post the moderator's are saying how bad marriage counselors are because the drudge up the past and do not have you look forward. Do these not contradict? What if past issues/treatment are core to the unhappiness in the marriage..do they not need to be addressed? Lastly, if you have a polygraph and hopefully a real picture of the TRUTH..do you continue to snoop? Thanks..still trying to navigate my way. Sometimes I feel like I am being "over the top" obsessing about this. I have been keeping hawk eye since DD 6/22/12 and have seen no indication of contact.

Marriage counselors bring up things in the past that are not the root issue. Things like how your mother treated you, psychobabble about how you are picked on at school making you 'vulnerable' blah blah blah, you can spend "years" talking about your issues (at $100/hour or whatever they charge) with family/friends/the past, none of which will directly affect the future.

-> Dr. Harley makes it clear that one cannot recover from an affair until the ENTIRE truth of the affairs are disclosed, and then once recovery starts, the re-hashing is *NOT* to be done again. A polygraph is a very simple method for the BS to verify the facts and then to put that away and start moving on. Once "X" is disclosed (ie. 2 EA's, this and this date, NC confirmed) then no, you don't go back and talk about why/how/what you did the EA, what was detailed in the letters to each other, etc.

I hope that makes sense....

BW123,

The difference is that the childhood issues are not the fault of your spouse, the cheating is the fault of your spouse. I was never angry at my W for what her parents did to her.

The cheating issues can often be resolved with a simple and complete confession or a polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

Oh no. In order for a marriage to recover, the betrayed spouse has to know the truth about any affairs. A marriage can't thrive if it is based on secrecy and dishonesty. Affairs are information about the marriage that should be known to both. Once the truth is known, it should never be brought up again. That information is relevant and pertinent to the marriage.

However, mistakes of the past and/or one's childhood are not relevant to the present and should not be brought up.


You need to be specific here. Behavior that leads to unhappiness is addressed and changed, but that doesn't mean one has to dredge up every mistake going back 10 years.


Yes, of course. Snooping creates trust and allows you to hold him accountable.

As I have heard it said before (I forget which vet liked to say it), "Trust, but verify."

Unconditional trust is extremely dangerous.

I'm very glad you started this thread because it actually answered some of my questions. I have been conflicted because I know that Dr. Harley says that once an affair has been exposed and ended that it should not be rehashed and brought up again. A part if me however feels guilty like it is being brushed under the carpet to be forgotten about.

This thread really explained the difference between the two and very simply helped me understand.

I don't know why I feel guilty about things not only going back to normal but being better than normal. I guess that is what recovery is all about but a part of me still thinks I should be punished and my H still wants to punish me. He in no way has done anything to make me feel thus way. In fact he has been wonderful to me the past month and that makes me feel a little guilty.

The post I was referencing was starfish I believe. I didn't finish as it is very long but she was already greatly struggling w/ what she thought was EA on to find out by pressing for poly that he had PA and not just one. Do you have to know going in that you are will to work on the marriage no matter what the outcome? I don't know if I found out that there had been multiple EA or PA if I would want to continue. My self esteem is so low at this point..not sure I could climb out of that one.

You decide how much, or how little, you want to know, bewildered. In my sitch, I wanted to know everything. When I had that information I was able to go forward with my H. I couldn't have recovered without complete information. But that is, again, entirely up to you.

You can't make such a decision unless you have all the facts. The decision would come AFTER you have the full truth.

She is not talking about minor details about a known affair, but finding out about OTHER affairs. That is something she HAS to know.