This is the nature of the anxiety that arises for some? all? men after a wife has had an affair:

What is the purpose of this thread?

I am intrigued by the idea put forward on the other thread that it is a requirement for the wife to be orgasmic, or she will be divorced. I think even the most easily aroused woman who orgasms every time would be unable to do so again following such a demand.

What is the purpose of this requirement? It most surely is not an MB idea.

I tried looking up your own thread Gamma to investigate this idea further, but had no success...

It's such an odd idea, I must be mistaken. Do I misunderstand?

Threatening someone with divorce unless they orgasm is akin to threatening someone with a gun to get them to laugh.

You're hardly likely to get genuine laughter.

Indie,

This was never something I said to my W, I understand that you cannot force anyone to do anything, and as a result I've never demanded or put pressure on my W to orgasm with me. To do so would destroy it's value as a measurement of my Ws true attraction to me.

God Bless
Gamma

Really, gals? If a guy wants to divorce his cheating wife because he feels emasculated by her no-longer-existent orgasm, well, he earned the get-out-of-jail card when she cheated.

Indie,

**edit**

I would guess that every man has some specific obsession about his Ws body, a breast man would have a difficult time thinking about any contact in that region I suppose.

God Bless
Gamma

Uterine contractions? What does that even mean? The only time women have [involuntary & painful] uterine contractions during sex is when they are in late term pregnancy ("Braxton Hicks")... unless there is something about female biology I am not understanding.

So she doesnt know you are planning divorce unless she is satisfactorily aroused? Because you said here you were.

If that is the situation, it is an SD. An SD promises a punishment unless people do what we want.



Gamma a BS has the right to ask any question of the A in order to put their wondering thoughts to rest. The questions should be answered honestly. But that wasnt what you were talking about or advising.



Nobody is enforced to go through recovery with a cheater. Nobody has to do the work if they dont want to. Recovery is hard work and it will entail difficult times and moments for both sides. Withdrawal from the AP for example.

But if you're going to do recovery you have to set MB conditions, not your own fanciful ideas. MBers set conditions which get results and which are realistic. You cant ask a WW to fly around the house to show her remorse for example. And you cant ask a WW to orgasm on demand. As I said even a woman who found orgasm effortless would be unable to do it on demand.

What would be the point of telling her her lack of orgasms would result in divorce? That would lead to an obvious stalemate.

Probably

Men like to quantify and qualify their sexual experiences IMO. Maybe some women do but I don't know any woman that counts the number of orgasms or keeps track of the things you listed. How wet is wet? Is there an measurable description for that?

Keeping track of stuff like that is usually a turn off to women. Because a WW has cheated it is likely harder for a BH to accept that.

I dont understand that one either. I had a highly satisfying sex life in my marriage pre-affair. Some of our encounters are imprinted on my mind clearly and I couldnt answer any of those questions. Because I didnt care about the science.

Alis,

I'm so glad this is anonymous, when **edit**

The topic is by no means well understood however and MRIs are being used to study it.

http://www.nj.com/insidejersey/index.ssf/2010/04/science_consciousness_and_the.html

God Bless
Gamma

EVERY betrayed spouse finds this difficult. After the BS has RH from the WS and all their questions are answered, the A should not be brought up again.

There is a difference between voicing fears and living in the past. Dr H is very specific on the past being left in the past.

As for present conditions in the relationship, the MB plan must be followed to rebuild it.

I'm not sure where this thread came from, but if a woman is not having orgasms with her H after an A, perhaps it is she is not being O&H with her husband about what types of activities would help her achieve this. For a woman, the more she tries to force the issue, the less likely it is to happen. And perhaps it isn't happening because she is not being stimulated properly by her H. It is of my opinion that if a woman isn't orgasmic it isn't because she is doing something wrong, it is because of a technique issue with the H. But if that is the case, she should be O&H with the H to help him help her to reach the orgasm. I personally cannot reach orgasm with intercourse only. I must be stimulated in certain ways that my husband I have discovered together in order to reach orgasm.

Plus, doesn't Dr. harley state in HNHN that a woman can choose not to have one?

I don't think that the specifics are as important as the concept:

After my wife had an affair I have become much more sensitive to how she responds to me sexually, and if the response is poor (up to me to define) then I feel emasculated as someone else out there knows her better than me, and in a very intimate way.

A crude example would be your buddy showing showing you just how poorly you ride a motorcycle on your own bike, except the guy isn't your buddy, and it's times a thousand.

My wife hasn't wanted to be physical with me since the affair except for one time when she was on pain meds that removed all of her anxiety. Her response was great so I know the problem isn't me, it's her inability to open up because she is to focused on being bitter and resentful over our past.

I'll add that this whole thing really ticks me off. I'm starting to wonder if I married a girl that just doesn't have the ability to respond in an intimate relationship, and can only work in a no commitment, say what she wants to hear, fantasy which agrees with the narcissistic image she tries to maintain.

ak

Now a woman could of course be asked if she orgasmed and that would be a reasonable example of RH for a spouse to ask....if they wanted to know.

I belive MirrorMirrors wife took a poly as to her claim that she did not enjoy the sex and simply used it to keep her 'drug' of OM.

This is my whole point. If there is even PERCEIVED pressure - there's NO chance of having one.



Yup, but I think it would take away greatly from the man's prospect of having his needs met. A lot of men would like his SF need to be met by a woman who orgasms and it also fills the admiration need. If a man thinks there is either no chance or uphill work of getting those needs met he will be be more likely to reach for the get out of jail card.

And I agree with that.

BUT I would caution against making it IMPOSSIBLE to get that need met by slapping down any potential of an orgasm with a demand.

He's already lost if he's giving her the power and ability to emasculate him in the first place.

In other words, no man can be emasculated without his permission.

In other words, as a man I define my own masculinity.


What gamma's wife did or didn't do with OM is (or should be) completely irrelevant when he is NOW in bed with his presumably loving and evidently willing wife. You're not competing with OM just as you're not competing with anyone she's been with BEFORE you even met her or married her. If you want to be a better lover...read some books on the subject and/or execute a plan to become a better lover FOR YOURSELF and your wife. Perhaps work with her in a loving manner to help her achieve better more fulfilling orgasms.

It is my understanding reading here (and common sense) that although affair sex is often intense (in that it is dirty/forbidden) it is more often described as NOT all that orgasmic. Most waywards describe an awkwardness to the whole endeavor. Intensely emotional but not that great physically because they really don't typically have a lot of history together. I estimate that on average the husband has the advantage as familiarity (knowing what buttons to push and when to push them) is likely more "orgasmic" for the typical wife than fooling around with a relative stranger. If anything...a husband has to challenge himself to get away from "the formula" and be adventuresome on occasion. Sounds more fun than counting and comparing your wife's orgasms and keeping OM relevant in your marriage.

Mr. W

p.s. - I'm not saying he can't divorce her if he chooses just hope he and other betrayed husbands don't do so because they mistakenly FEEL "emasculated by her". Use logic to overcome silly emotions.

I appreciate you've never put the metaphorical gun to her head, but there is a perceived pressure on her here isn't there?

We call them 'innies' and 'outies'. I can tell the difference! lol.