HI All
Obviously my situation is a complicated one but I really need any help I can get. My husband and I have been married for 10 years - no kids. I have add but didnt really know that until this last year. We have been separated for the last 8 months and in that time my husband has commited adultary.

Some backgroud info. I am more of the bubbley upbeat positive person while my husband is the thinker, more organized, disciplined person. We married when I was 20 and he was 25. He feels like the person he thought I was changed and he couldnt figure out how to love that person. My thinking pushes him away. He still "loves" me but is not "in love" with me. I feel the same way. I feel like over the years I have whined that I needed more time and affection from him and he just felt like he didnt know how to give it so this pushed him away even more.

I appreciate him because hes willing to talk about our issues and isnt by any means abusive. But it just seems like we cant work this out.
We moved to a foreign country to help serve a cause and during this time we supported ourselves being self employed. This really took a strain on us. He became so consumed with making this business work. While I layed in bed with depression, feeling alone. I got to the point where I was even jealous of the business. We both see the mistakes that we made. I moved back to the states first and he followed about 3 months later. During this time someone came up in my life that actually understood what I was saying and was willing to meet my emotional needs. I hid the emotional affair for 2 years and then finally told my husband. The whole time I just wished the things I was being told by the other guy was being said from my husband.

Our situation now:
Like I said we have been separated for 8 months in limbo trying to figure out if we can make this work. We are on talking terms. My husband always says that he wants to spend time with us but just doesnt have it in him. Cant find the time. Right now he works a full time job and is trying to get into real estate on the side. He came up with this idea that could possibly work out for us.

Here it goes:
I work full time and make enough to support us. If I move back in with him he can quit his job and do real estate full time. When Im off work he can spend the rest of the evening with me. During this time we can work on rekindling our feelings and work on filling eachothers emo needs.

Am I crazy for considering this?

I forgot to mention that we have been reading HNHN and are still in the process of learning the Policy of Joint agreement.

If we do reconcile I will have to give up my cat as he hates animals. I know it sounds dumb but my cat has no problem showing me love an affection.....
But Im willing if this works

Welcome to MB... the reason your hubby is not "in love" with you .. but loves you is because of his affair and poor boundries around other women. ANYONE can fall in love with anyone if their top emotional needs are being met by them... its sad but true. Which is why marriage needs to be protected with many extraordinary precautions to prevent that from happening.

I suggest you click notify and have this thread moved to surviving an affair as you will get much more direct help that revolves around recovery if thats what you chose to do.

The path is narrow ... and it will not be easy. Others will be able to give you better directed advice.

MNG

Is your ADD under control now? If not, what is your plan to get it under control? Given your description of your husband, your ADD behaviors may be annoying habits (AH) and act as a love buster, destroying his romantic love for you. This is something you can get under control. Disease or not, it's your responsibility to make sure it's sufficiently addressed.

Is he still committing adultery?
Has he said this, or are these your impressions? Specifically, has he said he didn't know how to give more affection and was pushed away by your whining?
What makes it seem impossible? What would make it seem possible to you?
So you BOTH had affairs. Let's not down play the damage done by an emotional affair. Emotion or physical are both damaging. Some may argue that an emotional affair is harder to overcome, as you'll always compare your betrayed husband to this guy.

Just as you may wonder how you compare to his affair partner, he could be wondering the same thing.

EA's are no less damaging than a PA, and can be MORE damaging to a marriage.

Are you still in contact with your affair partner? If so, then yes you would be insane to try to work on your marriage. Ditto if he's still catting around.

You each have to have no-contact with affair partners, physical or emotional, and put into place protections so that neither of you choose an affair over working with your spouse to find solutions to what bothers you.

He has some key points right. It's not the full plan, but it incorporates some of the right things.

Are you BOTH willing to work on the Emotional Needs and Love Buster's worksheets to put together a concrete plan where each of you are meeting the others top emotional needs and avoiding the love busting behaviors that destroy romantic love, one for another?

Are you enthusiastic about the plan? If not, what plan do you have? What would make you enthusiastic about his plan, if anything? Are there any things in his plan that are show-stoppers?

Besides the things mentioned about about your respective affairs, are you enthusiastic about this plan, in part or in whole. If you are not enthusiastic about any part of it, you would be crazy to go through with it.

It would be better to negotiate a plan that you BOTH can enthusiastically embrace.

It's probably worth your time to work with someone at the Coaching Center to go over any plan to see what they have to say.

You can fill out the EN and LB Q's, and see if you and your H can negotiate a plan and then present what you've done already.

I'm taking this as money is tight, so you may not want to call and spend $$$ to hear that you need to fill out the Q's and then make another appointment for $$$. It's been a while since I worked with Steve Harley, but that's some of the first stuff he assigns, so if you can do your homework in advance, it may help.

Emotional Needs Q.

Love Busters Q for Her

Love Busters Q for Him

Surving An Affair

Thank you so much for your responses!!!!!

I definitely think my ADD traits were big time love busters for him. Its not so severe where I cant pay attn to him when he is talking. But Im constantly starting and stopping things or say we are putting furniture together it would drive me crazy to force myself to sit there and read instructions I would try to figure it out on my own and that would be fun. I didnt understand why I felt that way. But what made it worse is that I always felt like he was trying to suppress me. All the while I was driving him nuts.

He has said that he doesnt know how to give me what I need and feels overwhelmed at the thought of learning. We were great when we were dating tho!!

Once I told him about the emo affair I stopped it immediately! And his thing was a one nighter.

You asked "What makes it seem impossible? What would make it seem possible to you?"

It seems impossible because of being on such broad spectrum of opposites. We both get out of the car and go the complete opposite directions. We are fussing about a topic and then realize that we are talking about the same thing but on the opposite side. I stay up all night he gets up early in the morning. I love animals he cant stand them. I dont mind dirt and hes a clean freak.

I think in the beginning all of this worked out because I stifled myself so that he wouldn't be uncomfortable. But then I felt like I was losing myself.

I really want this to work. I think he does too.


THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!!! its horrible to feel this way but I guess you all understand.

Where we are now.
I was raised with animals. Near a farm. My mother loved herding cows. Every now and then she would take my brother and I with her horse back riding to round the cows up. Because of this and other things I love animals.
My husband on the other hand cannot stand animals. He doesn't like being touched by them, doesn't like their hair, their smell, their presence.

I mentioned before that I have a cat. So right now the choice is give up my cat for my marriage (which Im willing to do) or chose my cat....
My fear with that is that although being an animal she knows how to give the love that I need, something i had been asking my husband for for years. I do realize that my cat cant provide all of my needs lol.
One example of how different we are.

At this point we have been talking. It feels so forced. imagine in a super dull voice- hey hows it goin? good u? im alright- cool.... crickets....
Where do we start?!?!
We would like to make this decision in the next 2 weeks.

Addition
I can wholeheartedly accept his idea for us getting back together. My fear is that we will have the the opportunity to quit his job and "play" with his new business while I support the family (maybe I should adjust my attitude about the "playing") and he doesnt change anything about us.

He asked me if my expectations were unrealistic when it comes to romance, love and marriage. I told him that I didnt think it was unrealistic for a husband and wife to spend time together each day and some quality time on the weekend. And maybe once or 2ce a month go on dates, to have affection and things like that. I honestly dont think its unrealistic.

My husband is more of the type to be by himself. I feel like his knee jerk reaction is to think of himself. If there was one slice of bread left in the refrigerator he would eat it without thought if I ate. I would leave it for him. Maybe thats a man and woman thing i dont know. Im willing to sacrifice myself for him.

Ha! This hurt my feelings so badly when we first got married. Whenever I got sick he would sleep at the bottom of the bed so that he wouldnt get sick, or on the couch even. When he gets sick im making sure he has everything he could possibly think of.

Real estate requires quite a bit of evening work; if he is planning on pursuing residential real estate, his evenings and weekends will be (largely, if he's successful) booked with showings.

Honestly, it sounds like he wants you to financially support him while he does what he wants. Doesn't sound like a great deal for you. Especially if he's already suggesting that what you want is unrealistic. It sure is, to someone who doesn't care for you. I'm sorry, but I think you should hold out for more than his "generous" offer of you supporting him and getting called 'unrealistic' in return.

Hi All!
I have been struggling with this decision or more like the ability to come up with some good solutions to this problem and would like to see if you all have any ideas.

Here's the situation

My husband and I are separated. Have been for about 8 months.
We are talking about getting back together.

We are trying to put the Policy of Joint Agreement into action but are stuck on one issue.
I have very strong feelings about animals and currently have a cat. My husband has very strong feelings about not liking animals. VERY STRONG. He doesn't like the smell the sight the hair anything! We tried having a cat in the past. It had its own room. I would have to wash my hands if I touched it. We fought about it all the time.

I love my kitty to pieces but not more than my marriage. So if I had to chose I would give her away. But would I resent him?

Possible solutions:

A: Rent a big enough house where he wouldn't have to "feel" the cat in the house and just know when I am done spending time with her I have to in essence shower.

B: Give her away

Both don't work with the policy....
I know this sounds like a stupid issue but for us its serious. I was raised with animals so its a part of me. He wasn't raised that way.

When a dog comes up to us I'm the one saying "oh look at the doggie!! and he stands back like ewww....
How do we meet in the middle???

Side note we don't have kids

The greater risk of resentment will come from him. Your resentment will only last until a suitable replacement is found. He will ALWAYS remember, though that you forced him to live with a cat, which you know makes him miserable. You, on the other hand, can replace the cat with something that makes you both happy.

POJA means brainstorming possible solutions.

Here's my"brainstorm" ... You give the kitty away to a nice family. Husband is happy. You go volunteer a few times a month at a local animal shelter. You are happy.

Try out different ideas together. Both of you must be pleased with the outcome/choice.

bigtime,

If you will listen to this free radio clip from Dr. Harley's radio show, he will add a concept to the POJA, that he calls the two types of resentment:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3274

One type of resentment is "worse" than the other. One type can be solved afterward, the other can only be prevented.

It is crucial to understand the two types of resentment in order to figure out how the POJA works. It is also crucial to follow the four guidelines for successful negotiaton, described in the basic concepts. POJA is the goal, FGSN is the means for getting to the goal, and the two types of resentment is the motivating factor for why it's a good idea to do it this way if you want to preserve love in your marriage.

If were you, I'd submit about giving the cat away and see if later on you can get him to warm up to the idea again. I think he might see this as a "me vs. the cat" issue, and if you want the cat around then he'll think you're choosing it over him. Even if that's not what you are doing!

I can tell animals are important to you, so what I'd suggest is giving the cat to a good family that'll take care of it, and in the meantime to help your animal-love, volunteer at a shelter. I can't have a pet because of our apartment rules, but I've volunteered with animal groups before and found it enjoyable and it gave me my "fix" so I didn't feel the need for a pet as much.

When working with the POJA, the first solution is to go back to the default position. Did you acquire your cat while separated? The default position would be no cat. Even if you married while you had the cat, if, after a time, your H finds the cat that objectionable and if you keep it in spite of your H's objections, just being around the cat will withdraw love units from your account in his love bank.

You and he need to negotiate a solution you can both be enthusiastic about. If you keep the cat despite his objections, this will cause great resentment in your H, because you are doing something in spite of his expressed desire for you NOT to do something. That's independent behavior (making decisions as though your spouse doesn't exist.)

If you live without the cat, you may feel resentful, but it would only be until you both find a solution you are enthusiastic about.

Brainstorm. Write down every idea that comes to mind. Don't write any off just because one doesn't seem realistic at the time. Let the brain incubate and be creative.

You guys are right. I think every time he looks at the cat there will be love units withdrawals. Ill keep thinking about this. I was listening to the MB radio the other day and Dr Harley was talking about a husband who loved watching movies and snuggling on the couch while his wife hated it.

This made me think of my situation. My dear kitty is my "recreation." So we need to find something that we both will enjoy doing. He has even offered horse back riding. (not our horses of course)


I still have lots of brainstorming to do but I definitely have some food for thought.

My husband is more of a picky person (selective as he says). Food clothes...
In that he has the tenancy to even be picky over me.

My question is while I want to make him happy. Where is the line at becoming who he wants me to be so that I don't withdrawal love units from his bank?

What I mean is:
He likes my hair long
Likes my makeup a certain way
likes my weight at a certain amount
He wants me to be more organized and disciplined
There are more, just cant think of them right now.

I think I began to resist this because I felt like he was trying to control me.
I can see how these things can withdrawal love units from his bank. About 5 years after we got married I fell in love with this hair cut and he finally gave me the ok to cut my hair. He started to become less attracted to me. My hair was to the middle of my back when we were dating. I cut it in an A line cut a little bit below my jaw.

On one hand I can see making him happy. But then what about my own personality and expressions?

Am I feeling this way because we arent in love?

When we were dating I would do anything he ever wanted me to do. If something annoyed him I would change it.
I started to feel like though that he was my biggest critic. Everything I did was wrong or weird. So I stopped. I didnt do this to him. If there was something he was doing that annoyed me I got over it and moved on. Is this because I'm a woman!??!

Footnote- we have been married for 10 years and are now separated.

bigtime,

Try to stick to one thread so that your situation is all together. It helps people help you.

In answer to your subject line: the three abusive love busters (demands, disrespect, and anger) are all controlling, every time.

Sorry I didnt want to confuse people LOL. Ill close this one and add it to the others.

Thanks!