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Joined: Jul 2012
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Good morning. On August 15th, my husband and I will be married for 14 years. These years have not been easy and with discretions on both sides (mainly emotional affairs which can be worse than physical). Nevertheless, we both have done things that we are not proud of, apologized for it and moved on. Two years ago, the relationship was stable so we decided that he would go to the next duty station and we would remain at the old one since I had a great job and the kids were stable. Well April of this year, things changed. I went home during spring break to be with him and talk to him. Although we both agreed to try to stick it out, I could feel that he wasn't 100 percent committed. Two weeks later, I receive a text saying that he was going to send separation papers. My whole world collapsed. I began to pray without ceasing and giving everything over to God. Well, during all of this, I've tried to find a teaching job each summer so we could be closer. This year, found a job but he is now preparing to leave his current position. He continues to hold my hand and tells me he loves me and the talk of separation has stopped (amen) but I know we have a long way to go. There is only communication through text messages and he calls when he "can". Finances have plagued our marriage since the beginning and has been a cause to help bring the relationship down. Since I
Have been home this summer, we have been communicating openly about how he felt two months ago (just ready to give up) and I simply listened. Finally, he is overworked and taking classes 4 nights a week for advancement. I'm sorry this is so long. I truly love my husband, realize the error in my ways and hope that it's not too late to save my marriage.

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Standstill,

Welcome to MB.

The military is very rough on marriages. Time away from each other drains "love banks" for each other.

My suggestions are as follows:

1) Click the notify button and ask the moderator to move your thread to the surviving an affair forum. That forum has more traffic on it and since affairs have been part of your past marriage, it would seem an appropritate place to be.

2) Read the articles on the basic concepts and get the book, "His needs, Her Needs".

3) Find a way to get together and commit to not spending nights apart (very difficult for military).

Finally, do you think it is possible your H had another affair this spring? If so, do you think it could be continuing?

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Thank you for your response. An affair has crossed my mind since there is no intimacy but I think the biggest mistress is the Army. He has thrown himself into work and church...

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And I would love to commit to not having nights apart but were in two different locations and the intimacy is at a stand still since he still has visions of my indiscretions (I kissed another man but it's just as if i had sex with him). I do realize that if we are not together in some way, my marriage will be in a lot of trouble. I'm attempting to give him space, but too much space is detrimental.

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Welcome Standstill!

Don't you have enough 'space' already due to your military commitments? Why would you be attempting to give him MORE space than you already have? Too much space has already created an M where you cannot meet each others needs, and allowed other people to meet those needs instead.

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Originally Posted by Atastandstill41
I do realize that if we are not together in some way, my marriage will be in a lot of trouble. I'm attempting to give him space, but too much space is detrimental.

Space has just about destroyed your marriage entirely. More "space" will not make it better. If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to live together and spend every night together. There is just no other way. And unfortunately, it might be too far gone at this point because it sounds like your husband is having an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101



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