I am a 54-year-old woman. My husband is younger at 47.

We met over 12 years ago. We fell in love and moved in together in the fall of 2000. We married in 2006. We love each other very much, but he's not happy.

He's self-employed and over-worked. He heaps his plate so full that there are never enough hours in the day to get things done, and he complains because I don't help him enough. My plate is also full, so that means we are struggling to keep up with yard work, house work, and laundry. His energy is a hundred times greater than mine.

I went through the change of life and have lost interest in sex. I enjoy my husband, so I cannot explain why I am not meeting his needs. Maybe hormones? Don't know....

Many weeks ago, he got a telephone call. He left the room to speak, and I found that unusual. So I asked him about his call. He stated it was So&So (not using her name). Who is she, I asked. A friend, he replied. She's a 22-year-old girl who he met through a mutual friend. He didn't explain to me why she called, then he made a lame excuse for leaving the house.

I confronted him about it the next day. I told him that he's not a good liar and his excuse for leaving the house was unbelievable. He admitted that he had met that girl and spent some time together, but he said there was nothing to worry about.

I told him that it was wrong. He was a 47 year old man and he knew it in his gut that he should not be making excuses to his wife so he can leave the house and meet a 22 year old girl. He agreed and said it wouldn't happen again.

Yesterday, he told me he had to go out of town after work, and I assumed it was business. He drove my vehicle. He didn't get home until nearly midnight. He eventually told me that So&So had my vehicle. That she was in a bad situation, he felt sorry for her, so he went and got her, put her up in a motel (at our expense), and gave her my vehicle to drive.

I was livid. I don't cry or shout when I'm angry, but there was no way that I was going to allow my hubby to be her knight in shining armor.

I told him this is WRONG! He has lust for her, whether he will admit it to me or not. And for me, I told him, that breaks my heart and I'm feeling very threatened. If this thing with this girl has not yet crossed the line into a sexual affair, it's only a matter of time before it does! I am 54 years old. I'm showing my age! I cannot compete with a 22 year old, and I won't do it. He has to choose. His friendship with this girl or his relationship with his wife. He can't have us both!

I immediately exposed this matter to my sister and my brother; and my sister confronted him at his place of business. My sister exposed this to his parents and made my hubby get back my vehicle from this girl. I also had coffee with his mom and dad, and they state what he did was wrong--but they don't believe he is sleeping with her. His mom told me that her son (my hubby) was lonely!

Of course, we are all exhausted today. I'm emotionally drained. My hubby admitted that he cares about this girl and just wanted to help her, but he understands that I am feeling threatened and he chooses me.

I'm just at a loss right now how to meet his needs and do everything I should to keep him happy when I have ZERO energy! I'm exhausted. I don't have everything clear in my head yet, except that I love my husband dearly and want him to be happy.

Welcome and sorry for your pain.

Is this OW married? Who have you exposed to on her side?

Here.
Exposure 101

I found her facebook page and sent her a private message. She has a mom (who is younger than me!) who can help her. She doesn't need to turn to my hubby (and take advantage of his infatuation with her). I'm still digging for all the facts, but my hubby says she was in an unhappy live-in situation with a boyfriend. Nevertheless, my hubby knew in his gut that running to her rescue and putting her up in a motel would harm our marriage. Should I send a private message to her mother? I found her on facebook too.

Did you read the exposure thread?

Remember he is 100% responsible for his affair.

I would make a copy of all her facebook friends and family and expose.

How did they meet?

Thank you for responding, BrainHurts.

I read the exposure thread, then I sent a private message to her mother (who lives in another city). I told her about my husband and her daughter, that my husband was paying for her motel room, etc., and that I want to save my marriage. I asked her to come here and get her daughter ASAP.

I don't think it's a sexual affair, if my husband is telling the truth. I believe he is infatuated with this girl and would probably jump in bed with her if she gave the green light. I think he's fooling himself that this young woman would want him for anything other than his money.

My husband has his own business and he met her through one of his friends/customers.

I feel so selfish...starting all my sentences with "I, I, I," and I'm worried sick that my hubby is going through a mid-life crisis. I'm worried sick that maybe I'm too old for him and he's looking for a younger woman and renewed happiness. I'm just worried....

Deb, so sorry you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you have found the right place. Welcome.

Follow the advice given by the vets. To a T. Don't argue, don't hesitate. Right now, you are acting on pure emotions. Emotions don't serve us well. You need to follow a logical plan to save your marriage.

Exposure is key here. Did you read BH's link?

Read it. Ask us questions. And act as soon as possible before the affair becomes more entrenched. Or goes underground.

But it did happen again. Your WH (wayward husband) is already being caught out in lies. Dr H views waywards as addicts... right now, your WH is as high as a kite on the feelings this OW gives him. And addicts lie to get the next fix.

I'm sorry Deb, but I very much doubt your WH's story. He has lied to his wife about taking a 22-year-old woman to a motel, spent several hours with the skank, without sex? I suspect this is already a physical affair (PA). It is definitely, without doubt, an emotional affair (EA). I know this hurts. But you need to face the reality of your situation so you can act in your and your family's best interests.

If he chooses you, he will have no contact ever again with this OW. EVER.

But you still need to expose this. A wayward's word does not mean much. Expose, and have others hold him accountable. It throws reality on their actions.

By the way, do you have kids (and sorry if I missed this)? If so, how old are they?

Thank you Caracal. Question: Is this an affair? This thing between my husband and this "girl"? I think my husband is infatuated with her and she's using him!

I read the exposure thread and exposed this "relationship" to my sister and my brother; my sister confronted my husband; my sister (who loves me fiercely, and visa versa--lots of LOVE in our family) actually drove him to get my vehicle back from that girl; and my sister went and talked to his parents which gave me the courage to talk to his parents too. I sent the girl a private message and I sent her mother a private message.

Is that enough exposure? I don't feel comfortable sending private messages to her 400+ facebook friends. Yes, I am acting on emotion. I feel like the crazy wife trying to appear sane.

Again, thank you Caracal.

I was divorced from my first husband in 1989. My son from that marriage is 29 years old.

This is my second marriage and his first (and hopefully ONLY marriage). He doesn't have any children.

We lived together for several years before we got married. He wept at our wedding he was so happy. We are in love with each other. Of course we have "conflict" from time to time, but we talk it out. He has been my best friend and companion for 12 years. We laugh and engage each other in playful banter. The sex has not been frequent for many months, but I went through the change of life and can't seem to recover my sex drive. I know that he is 100 percent responsible for this emotional or physical affair, but I'm feeling so guilty. If only I was meeting his needs, maybe he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Yes, this is an affair. Affair partners (AP's) always "use" each other. Your WH is using her as much as she is using him. He is feeling like a knight in shining armour (KISA), feeling young, getting his need for admiration met by a young woman. He is hooked on how OW is making him feel. Otherwise, why would he be risking his marriage?

Well done Deb! You are showing yourself to be a warrior, putting up a fight for your marriage. When exposing, make sure you are saying to people you want to save your marriage. Ask them for help in influencing your WH. Ask them to put as much pressure on the affair as possible. After all, you are looking out for your WH's best interests. Affairs have a very very low success rate. Your WH is risking his family and marriage for a fling.

No, it is not enough exposure. Never underestimate the power of exposure.

Now, some questions before continuing exposure.

Do you have children? What are their ages?

Can you read OW's FB page? If so, copy and paste all of her FB friends to a word document in a safe place. You may need these for later when you do exposure of the OW.

Can you access OW's wall? Are there any posts about your WH? In my sitch, I struck gold when I got access to her FB wall.

Compile a list of all those people in your lives that may have an influence on your WH. Tell us this list. Particularly WH's family.

And if I was you, I would be snooping. Can you put a keylogger on WH's phone, computer? A voice activated recorder (VAR) in the car? A GPS tracker in the car? Especially this, so if he "disappears" again, you can tail him.

By the way, you are NOT crazy.

This is how waywards want to make a betrayed feel, it is so much easier to confuse and lie to us then.

I believe it is VERY SANE to doubt your husband when he has lied and deceived you as to his whereabouts when with a young woman.

I understand how this confusion and craziness feels... my WH did his best to keep the truth from me and make me doubt myself.

Put the snooping tools in place. VAR, GPS, Keylogger. That way, you are simply checking the truth for yourself.

Welcome to MB, I am sorry for the pain that has brought you here, but you have found the best place for advice and support.

Your husband is 100% responsible for the A. He had an A b/c he had poor boundaries around this woman. Maybe you were not meeting his EN (emotional needs) but that is not an excuse for him to have them met outside the marriage. You cannot punish yourself wondering what if. As I have sadly learned A also happen in happy marriages and in marriages where EN have been met.

Exposure is the most effective tool in killing an A. It interferes with the A as the AP (affair partners) can no longer hide in secret, the truth is out there. This makes it very uncomfortable for them and begins to impact their relationship.

In the notable posts there are many useful threads particulary Scotty's thread for newly betrayed spouses.

We don't have any children. We have three cats that we LOVE and dote on like children. My son from a former marriage is 29.

I can't read OW's page, but can access her friend's list. Will copy and paste as suggested.

I did access her pictures and downloaded her drunken party pics. Don't know why I did that except to maybe show my hubby that he can't keep up with this party girl. He's usually in bed every night at 10 PM. He works hard! And he makes lots of money. She will ruin him, make him lose sleep, spend his money, and eventually move on to spread her legs for some other "dude." These are things that I have already told him to try and shake loose his infatuation.

My husband has a sister and two brothers who live out of state. He also has numerous nieces and nephews. Some of them are on facebook, and I can send them private messages.

I have another sister and another brother who I can call and who will immediately call him or meet with him personally and put pressure on him to end this relationship with OW.

I did snoop in his text messages. OW lived in a town about an hour and a half away. He texted her just before 8:00 PM and said he was six miles out. He apparently arrived at her place a little after 8:00 PM and I don't know how long he was there. I was told she lived with her boyfriend, and don't know how long it took to load up her things and head back.

I texted my hubby at 10:00 PM and asked him to stop at store on his way home. He didn't reply.

At 11:00 PM, I called my hubby and he snapped at me that he was going to the store and he would be home shortly. I told him that I didn't call because I wanted stuff from the store, but because I was worried due to the lateness of the hour. He usually talks sweet to me and tells me he loves me during our calls, but he was curt in his responses and didn't say he loved me. That made me suspicious.

He got home around midnight and told me what he had done and that he gave my vehicle to OW to drive. We had words and I told him I thought something was up when he wouldn't say "I love you" in our phone conversation. He stated he was distracted because they were driving from motel to motel looking for a room because they were full (which I believe because our economy in one of the few places in US that is truly booming). He stomped off to bed. He sent a text message to OW at 12:20 AM asking her if she made it to her room okay. (He did come out of his room later to talk to me, said he couldn't go to sleep knowing his wife was unhappy with him.)

Therefore, I don't think they slept together.

I don't know anything about spyware or gps trackers, but will check it out.

Check this forum out for advice on snooping:
Operation Investigate

Deb, the vets should arrive soon to give advice. Hang in there, you sound like you have resolve even in the face of adversity...

Thank you, happyfuture66 for the welcome.

My husband told me that he cared for this young woman like a "daughter" and I responded that I may seem sweet and naive most of the time, but I was not born yesterday. That "daughter" comment clearly suggests that he has been spending a lot of time with her that I didn't know about.

Deb, I can't know for sure, but methinks you are in some denial here.

Guys who are working hard and strapped for time don't go out of their way after-hours to "put other women up" in hotel rooms simply as selfless charity.

I'm a guy who had an affair, Deb. I don't have to guess too hard about how married guys "think" when they get their heads messed up that way.

I suggest you play it cool, say no more about it to his family (who are obviously useless) and snoop until you get convincing evidence. Your husband thinks he can fool you, although he & his lover may try to take it underground now that they know you're onto them. So you've gotta go into "Jane Bond" spy mode here for a spell.

Denial? Probably. My husband and I just had another talk, and I so want to believe him when he tells me that he loves me with all of his heart. He was tearful and stated that my sister's words truly resonated with him. She asked him how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and your wife put up a young man in a motel and gave him your vehicle to drive? He stated he would be outraged! He got caught up in being her KISA and didn't think things through. He never wanted to cause me any pain. I want to believe him and forgive him and take him in my arms and never let him go! I love my husband!

MB does not advocate just simply giving away forgiveness. Rather, the offending spouse EARNS forgiveness.

How does your H earn your forgiveness?

First, he writes a No Contact letter to the OW. Sampes of NC letters

Next, institute Extraordinary Precautions for life. EPs are non-negotiable.

Here's a list I gave to my FWH:
1.) No contact ever again with Affair Partner
2.) Total Transparency:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Eliminate all social networking sites, except for shared FB account
3.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
4.) No intimate conversations with a female (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, etc)
5.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting.
6.) No terms of endearment of any kind, except for those in our immediate family.
7.) No business mentoring with a woman.
8.) Women must be at least an arm's length away.
9.) No porn, no �adult� clubs or shops, no chat rooms
10.) No nights apart.
11.) No recreational activities with the opposite sex.
12.) No interactive online games.
13.) Share/trade phone when asked

Finally, agree to build a romantic passionate marriage. This must involve a PLAN. No plan is a plan to fail. We used MB Online Seminar, which was invaluable to us.

Deb, I'm afraid you're really falling into the trap of listening and believing what you want to believe, and not what is probably reality.

A lot of "older" (hah) women come here and think that their husbands have a ridiculous notion of being with a 20-25 year old girl, as if that would ever happen. Well, that's really giving too much credit to a girl who is willing to even entertain a conversation with an older married man. You're looking at the situation through the eyes of a wise and rational woman who is old enough to know better - if she were that young girl again. But you're not looking at it through the eyes of an (IMO) damaged young girl with issues and a desperate need for male attention/money. They will do anything to get it and often take it as 'flattery' or boost their self-esteem by thinking a man would choose them over their spouse.

Heed the warnings previously - this is almost certainly beyond an EA and there has been physical contact.