What are your H's most important needs?

Also, when you are scheduling UA time make sure it is filling the top 4 most intimate EN's: RC, IC, AF and SF. Are you doing this?

The UA time can be difficult to meet with little ones. But it is CRITICAL that you meet this UA time.

We balked at the 20-25 hrs of UA time weekly, how is this possible??? Yet when we got serious about recovery, we DID it whether we thought it was possible long term or not.

And..we learned to LOVE the UA time. It has had, IMO, the greatest affect on our recovery thus far. Now when we don't get enough, we can tell immediately. If we do, we can also tell. It has an enormous impact on our attitudes and sense of connection.

So scheduling your UA time with your H is very, very important. Do NOT, no matter what excuse you find for yourself, let it slip.

And you need to be the driver of that. Maybe some BS's can be the driver, but I could not and it sounds like your H needs you to be the driver. Do it.

This is really a win/win. This is not 'work' for you. Consider when you first start dating someone you really like, all the effort you expend for them. All the time you think about them. All the time you want to spend with them. It is mirroring that, and you didn't think of that as 'work' did you? At the end, you get to spend great connective time developing an amazing relationship with your H, win/win.

Does your H post on this forum?

unwritten, i also believe that UA is extremely impportant and can definately tell when we don't get enough of it. my husbands most important needs are o & h, admiration,conversation, and sf. that was the questinnaire filled out a couple months ago. tonight i am going to ask him fill out another.

unwritten, my husband does post as 20yearhistory. i have a question, do you think it is a good idea for my husband to read my posts? when i originally started posting, i told him i wasnt sure if i wanted him to and asked him not to read them yet. he went anyways and read them and was critical. it brought back memories pre-affair when he was critical of me and that was a huge love buster. therefore i stopped posting. when i started posting again, he promised me several times that he would not read it. he told me friday that he started to read it but then felt guilty and quit. is it a good idea for him to read??

What? You will tell complete and utter strangers what you are thinking and feeling, but question whether you should leave your S out of it? Really?

Dec, we usually advise spouses in crisis NOT to read each otherr's posts until they're ready.

princess.... I wonder why this is on a public forum then, and who are the "we" that you refer to? I thought Dr. Harley has a principle as follows:


The Policy of Radical Honesty

Reveal to your spouse as much
information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes,
dislikes, personal history, daily activities,
and plans for the future.

"We" are the posters that have been around awhile and have seen what happens when a thread falls apart when both spouses are posting on it.

There is "radical honesty" in the fact that her BH KNOWS she's posting. We are just advising him not to read so he avoids feeling bad, needing to defend himself and/or feeling the need to jump in and either defend or attack her or our posts. It's just a suggestion. As you say, it's a public forum and he's free to do as he chooses.

When couples post on the same thread it often ends up in a discussion/arguments about facts and trying to get the board to take one side or the other in an argument. That doesn't help the couple and it often results in their "support" moving on to other less complicated threads as "we" ....behind computer screens are in no position to really determine who's fact pattern is closer to the truth. It's much easier "coaching" one perspective at a time.

That being said...I did read my wife's post years ago and we discussed the responses a lot. I just didn't post on her help threads.

Mr. Wondering

Well the four topics discussed by Dr. Harley in Radical Honesty would appear to me to be much more than simply providing selective disclosure such as noticing your S of MB posts but requiring they not be read. I'll read Dr. Harley's articles again on this subject. And this wasn't a question about threading, rethreading, counterthreading or what have you. It involved full disclosure between H and W, or at least I thought so.

Hello dec. Full discloure is exactly what you are stating. The problem comes in when I have told my spouse everything and he isn't ready to hear it, gets mad, won't listen, doesn't understand the deeper real meaning, can't empathize, doesn't care, etc... What these threads are, for most of us seeking help, are to help US deal with and learn to solve/change the problems. If my husband were able to deal with issues, face them, etc.. I wouldn't be here. Also, I have so many issues that I need to get through, that I am looking for help in thinking through them. Again, I wouldn't be here seeking the help if my husband were able to handle these discussions. He can't face what he has done, or just plain doen't care. You may be able to face things, own them, committ to stopping behaviors that are hurting your marriage, and it seems common sense that these things should be talked about with you. But for someone like me, I am seeking the advice from a forum FULL of experienced people who can tell me what I need to hear, b/c my husband just can't be the one. He isn't there for himself!!! If HE read this, there would be fights, pride, ego, everything in the way b/c the truth is more than he can handle. Hope this helps.

I have to disagree. I believe that the BS SHOULD be reading the WS's posts. And this is what Herpapabear said to my H about that.


Originally Posted By: Kiss MY WIFE READS ALL OF MY POSTS SO I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO WATCH WHAT I POST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO UPSET HER OR MAKE HER MAD.

"Very telling!

You admit that you're not willing to be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

My wife would have handed me my a$$ for such a statement. I'm betting your wife will be none to happy either.


If you are on the forums for her, then the least you could do is prove it by being honest and transparent.

And for the record, my wife followed my posts very closely to make sure my words were lining up with my actions. And it was a very wise thing for her to do!
Good grief man, what do you think you can say on this forum that is any worse than betraying your wife IRL with another woman?? <shaking my head> "

PS I agree that they shouldn't POST on each other's threads.

thanks to all for your input/suggestions as to letting spouse read post.

I am more discussing the mindset of a BS whose H is still in deceiptful, gaslighting fog!!! There is nothing that I have written here that I haven't told my husband. When I tell him how what he does hurts me, he twists it. If a husband is ready to be honest and will accept what is written and be respectful, definately read their spouses posts, but if he can't own it, then it is best that he stay away until he can. I just posted on another thread of a betrayed spouse who was seeking help and advice where she won't post on her own thread anymore b/c HE couldn't handle it!!! She needs this support, and doen't feel safe in putting her feelings out there b/c he is hurting her with her words.

OK...somebody is an engineer type thinker...otherwise must be a lawyer, accountant or a doctor.

Anyway....there is no "requiring" anything. Just what experience tells us works best. I'm not a big fan of the 'don't read" advice simply because I know there's no way I wasn't gonna read what the board posted to my then-ww back in 2005. But some spouses just can't handle reading their spouses posts without getting upset and angry. If you can't handle it...I recommend you don't read. Technically, I guess a couple working the program could poja the issue.

Radical Honesty is a recovered marriage concept. We are attempting to provide peer coaching by answering individual posters questions in the manner Dr. Harley would when doing individual marital coaching in his office. Until both spouses are on-board with MB, there is no ONE-WAY obligation for Radical Honesty which includes requiring a spouse trying to save their marriage to tell the other spouse all the stuff they are doing to accomplish that. For example, common sense tells us a betrayed spouse doesn't owe his/her THEN WAYWARD SPOUSE radical honesty such as "I'm about to expose your affair to the world" or "I'm about to clean out our bank accounts to protect our marital assets".

I think we should avoid cluttering up this posters thread with our off-topic discussion about a SUGGESTION. If you have further questions...email me or start a thread in other topics.

Mr. Wondering

clearmind. What are the two of you doing about him being critical of you? How is he critical?


I have seen many very good dialogs here about DJ's and think the both of you could gain from the collective voice.

20yr has had many excellent posts...I know he is on board with MB and seems very sincere about recovery. It is a long and difficult road. Don't abandon the excellent advice here...face the issues head on.

ETA: I was critical of my own FWH after the FR. MB taught me how to deal with that.

pf, my husband has been working on himself with the criticism, ao, and dj. he has been great with not being critical of me. that criticism with the posts does not happen often anymore. as to the ao and dj, that happens about every 3 weeks or so and that is only when he brings up the A. which is totally understandable and i feel i do deserve that. after it does happen, he realizes later and apologizes for it.

Thanks for responding to my post clearmind. I hope that you continue to read here even if you don't post. I cannot say enough about the wealth of experience and wisdom you will find.

I saw this on another thread just minutes ago:




I found that I was able to stop the AO's and DJ's once I stopped talking about the affair.

Have you answered all his questions about your affair?

Listen to these clips of Dr. H telling a BW to quit talking about the affair.
Radio clip about stop talking about the affair
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

pf, even if i dont post, i am continuing to read the threads. i find them very informative and helpful. the veterans definately know what they are talking about. my husband found a great thread, i think it was posted by sunnydintx, about having bad moments and bringing up the past. it is something he is working hard on. he thinks the more secure he feels the better he can handle the past. i am working hard to give him that security back.