I went to a Women of Faith conference this week-end and was challenged as a Christian woman to fulfull the command that God gave to wives in Ephesians. He simply asks us to honor and respect our husbands. That is where my problem comes. I have lost that aspect of my relationship with my H. Since the betrayal I find it very difficult to respect him as I should. I love him but somehow I am having a hard time honoring him. My prayer is that God will begin to show me areas I can respect him so that I can begin to fulfill my responsibilty as a wife. I really would like some insight from others who have struggled with this issue. <P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

This is kida diffrent, but I think my W has a hard time resecting me since she was rhe on who betrayed. I still love her no matter what she did, and I can forgive her. She will not let me in. I know this dont help but this is what I'm dealing with<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>

Brownphd,<P>Respect is required no matter what side of the fence you are on. So it really is the same. Women are to honor and respect their husbands. My question is where does it come from when it is lost for whatever the reason. Does the H have to do some awesome feat for us to again respect, like slay the dragon? Or, does it just take time like everything else in recovery? R.E.S.P.E.C.T just like Aretha says ya gotta have it! I know my H will know when I have it for him again. Am I making any sense?<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

This was a huge problem for me...and being a Christian, I knew I had to honor and respect my H.<P>Actually I think the bible has excellent directions here, because when it comes down to it, most men crave respect or feel loved when respected. Although men are obviously supposed to respect their wives as well, they are directed to love their wives. And I believe most women feel love through kind and tender treatment, so it like God is reminding us to do the things that are most important to our spouse, but might not be the easiest for us. Kind of like His Needs/Her Needs.<P>Anyway, I forgave quite easily, but I could not see him as a man of integrity in my mind. Luckily I never treated him with disrespect. He was immediately remorseful and recovery has gone well if you have followed my story at all.<P>I am doing better with it. I respect him in other areas. I am still working on this ingrity issue, but it is not as looming as it was several months ago.<P>It is almost like I forgive him for what he did, but not for actually doing it.<P>Does that make any sense?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL: EXACTLY! I find myself saying things like "I know this sort of thing happens in 50% of all marriages, but I can't believe YOU did it...!"<P>To which my wise h. replied "I think, sweetheart, that the problem is, you'd like to believe that you somehow found and caught an extra-ordinary man, when in fact, you are married to a very ordinary one. I think you need to realize that. I wish I could be this Christian pillar that you thought you deserved, but I can't. You are going to have to decide if you can live with an ordinary, fallen person."<P>Ouch, that smarts. In my case, I didn't respect him because he had been intimate with one woman before we married. I on the other hand, managed to barely hang on to my virginity (technicality) till I was 25 and we got married. So I thought this put me in a good place to judge him. <P>Well, I am realizing that I don't want to be judged as a wife and mother by the same impossible standard of total mental purity and devotion to family that I demand from him.<P>Comments? Time for a cup of tea and a chat?<P>LIZZIE<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Taj,<BR> Regaining respect for my H has been a HUGE issue for me. I've been very concerned about the possibility of being married to someone I had lost some respect for. Initially I would think of all the things that I admire about him and try to find respect for those things. It helped a bit. What's really helped me to regain the honor and respect most recently is that he is about 3 months into withdrawal, still in love with the OW and not me, trying very hard, and having more urges to contact the OW but is NOT doing it and I see how difficult this is for him yet he is showing self control and perseverence for the sake of the family and because he feels he needs to because it is the honorable thing to do.<BR> Granted, I live one day at a time knowing he might break down, or she might call him. But I let him know how much this all means to me and it seems to have an affect on him.<BR> Hang in there. Keep focusing on his positive attributes and hopefully the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. will rebuild.<P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Still on coffee this morning.<P>Your H had a good answer. I think my mind was as surprised he fell as I was. I mean if he was going to have a mid life crisis I would have expected he leave me to be a ski bum or to trek somewhere. In a million years I would have never dream he would start playing with some brazen hussy that came up and kissed him. It wouldn't fit in my brain. It was as ridiculous as me being unfaithful, which I can not imagine, either. <P>And yes, it is hard not to feel the right to judge...and to feel equal and not spiritually superior. You are also right that I do not want to be judged so harshly in other areas of my life, which always has much room for improvement.<P>Have you read the book the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omarian? Taking some of this stuff out of my hands and giving it to God really helped.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks to all of you, Again it feels good to know I'm not the only one to struggle with this part of recovery. My H never turned back to the OW and is doing everything in his power to regain my trust. For that I do respect him. I looked up respect in one of my commentaries and it referred to "value". I do value him I just wanted that perfect man too and he is ordinary and fallen like Liz said. FHL, your comment about not believing HE did it, yup, thats where the rub is. I guess I just want to value him as a godly husband and that isn't there yet. He isn't able to really believe that he is forgiven by God and able to walk in His grace like before. I somehow need that kind of man to really respect and not having it I am struggling. Well, I guess just realizing I need to work on this is a start. Thanks again for everyones insight.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

My copy of "The Power of a Praying Wife" looks like one of my 15 year old cookbooks, if you get my drift. It is a fabulous book, and I had Stormie autograph it at an "Aspiring Women" Conference this fall. She is an amazing woman of strength and an incredible picture of what God can do with a screwed up life. <P>I had been using it to pray daily when things were so bad, but have gotten away from daily devotions since he's back home. I guess that reflects my 'emergency' mode of prayer and devotion, huh? Oh how faithless I can be...Such a spoiled brat when it comes to my Heavenly Father, I even forget to say prayers of thanks.<P>Time to go do that...<P>Hugs to all my Christian sisters here,<P>LIZZIE<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

Liz,<BR>I went through Power of a Praying Wife and wrote down my personal prayer. It turned out to be pages and pages long, and although I should go through it everyday (yeah, it's easy to slip) the time I spent writing it I think cememted things down in my own brain so I am clearer in my prayer petitions.<P>The actual process was enlightening, wonderful, but also many tears and emotionally draining....but very worth the effort.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I haven't been on board in a long time and have posted under different names because my name expired a couple of times due to lack of use.<P>I am over 1 1/2 into this, my H was the betrayer.<P>This is a very close subject for me. Our marriage was bad from nearly the beginning. He broke his promise to me to finish school and then finally did several years latter in the military. A lot of hard times and low incomes. I didn't feel financial secure. I didn't feel attractive to him. I had the typical mother's tummy and breastfeeder physique, he is an amateur bodybuilder. I didn't feel like I was of any importance to him, but I clung to the misguided idea that he was a good Christian Man and would always be faithful to me because he was faithful to God.<P>When he showed signs of losing faith in God is when I knew he was being unfaithful to me too.<P>Over the first 14 years of our marriage, respect and trust became my "love". It was all I had to feel for him. Not only the affair destroyed my respect, but also the way that he has handled himself since I found out.<P>He seems to be perfectly fine. He goes on about his life as if everything is just wonderful. He insists he is over her and it will never happen again.<P>I need to see some pain from him to know that this was something horrible for him too. I have come right out and told him that this is what I need in order for me to heal. I have just about killed myself and yet he has come out of this with "wonderful memories of the other woman" and a "better marriage with me than he had before".<P>I finally told him that I needed him to join me in my pain and the only thing he could come up with was that he felt bad that the OW was having mental problems (no mention of the fact that I am now anorexic and have attempted suicide) and that he still has to struggle so hard in order to stay faithful to me when he "sees an attractive woman".<P>At what point do I sit back and say this man isn't just weak, he is flawed, or maybe one will never again be enough for him.

Haven't read the book but will get it soon. My list of reading materials is growing since being in this forum. Me and Amazon are on a first name basis. Still working on the Forgiveness workbook recommended by FHL. <P>By the way in regards to respect, thought it might interest some about my name. It was given to me by my H after discovery. He said I was as strong as the Tajmahal!!!!!! My given name is Cathy-------- <P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

BOTL,<P>You sound like you need a really big dose of God's love this morning and a hug from all your sisters in Christ out here. Your comments remind me of something my H said a year into recovery. He said "we were both circling our own mountains of hurt! I guess that is where his needs/her needs come in. You don't sound like you have had your basic need met of seeing shame and regret on your H's part. I don't know alot about your story but there is a real need for that for total restoration. It sounds like you need to feel valued at this point. Until your H sees that just know how much God loves and values you. Keep posting, there are alot of people here who will support you in prayer and help with insight as you need it.<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

BOTL:<P>You are valuable to God and to your sisters here. Sometimes gems need to be polished and the process isn't pleasant.<P>I went through phases of eating too much, starving myself, throwing up and wanting to die. They are all phases of grieving and I promise you, it gets better, even if the wait for wholeness is long. There is another active post on guilt today, check it out. Alot of us are in a hurry for the repentance process to happen...But it isn't our job to speed it along!<BR>LIZ<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>