From what I read so far that looks to be a good thread, I'll read more at lunch, thank you.
He told me he didn't realize he was unhappy, until she gave him her number, and that's why he didn't tell me. He thought I'd tell him if I was unhappy. And I did, on January 27th I sat him down and said we needed a plan bc I thought things weren't right and I talked and talked and he put a pillow over his face.
Turns out he decided the marriage was over 7 months prior to that, 4 months prior to when she have him her number, and he didn't mention it bc he didn't think it could be fixed and he knew I'd want to keep trying and it was futile. So really, he did realize and just let it happen. He might not have planned her appearance and that, but he did know enough and chose not to do anything.
I don't know why he would want to change. I want to believe he could, but if he was ok lying to me even before this started to stay married, why wouldn't he just say he's willing to live by my requirements to lie in a less detectable way in the future?

Sample:

Adulterous ex-husband,

I am writing this letter to inform you that as of today (date), we will no longer be in direct contact with each other.

This step has become necessary for me to protect myself from all the unwanted romantic overtures you continue to make towards me while living with your current girl-friend (name), your adultery partner.

You do not phone me. You do not email me. You do not message me. You are never again welcome to enter the sanctity of my home. Any violation of these requests will be documented, and necessary steps will be taken to enforce and protect my safety.

All necessary communications regarding any co-parenting issues will be handled by indirect communication via my chosen intermediary (name and contact info). If you send any non business related communication, there will be no response from my intermediary (name).

In the event of an actual child-related emergency (serious illness or injury), contact my (mother? father? sister? choose a close relative) and I will immediately respond.

Good-bye.
Treeclimber

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Send a copy to OW.
Send copies to the IM, you family members, and your attorney.




Are you thinking this one RQ? Pep came up with this one for a poster to go to Plan B after D.

[/quote]

Thank you brainhurts and rq. I will work on this.
RQ, did you get anything yet? Shall I send another request?

Do you all think I should tell his gram? My family thinks I should figure out a way to do it gently. I love her, and I don't want her to think I just left, or didn't want to work on this. I don't think she'd assume that, her mind is nearly as sharp as as someone's my parents age 40 yrs younger, she's fabulous, but he is the love of her life and who knows what he'd tell her. He says he'd tell her he just needs a divorce and it wasn't anything I did, but who knows. I think he should tell her the truth, but he'd never do that.
I did send letters to OWs family as well, that had basically no impact...

This was the main point of that thread that I wanted you to see. I know that it helped me

"You are not second rate. You are more than enough. My BH said a lot of the same things to me - he gave everything he knew to give to his family: he worked, he was a provider, he gave up many (pretty much all) of his outside interests in order to support his wife and children. And I repaid him how? Not by telling him that I appreciated what he did for us, not by having an O&H conversation about meeting each others' most important ENs, but by giving my love and body to another man. Let me tell you something: It was not about my BH. My infidelity was ALL ABOUT ME. My husband was more than enough. He was not - and IS not - second rate. Neither are you. Your WW's adultery was ALL ABOUT HER. She can sit here now and try to deflect, and try to make it about you, and spout nonsense about this and that from the marriage, but the truth is, problems in marriage - resulting from LB's and unmet EN's - happen. Our responsibility is to communicate to each other when those things happen - not throw our hands up and give up on our marriage, selfishly seeking fulfillment outside of our marital relationship."

Blah blah blah...according to my wh's post he was unhappy 2 YEARS prior to his fling with skank! News to me! Waywards make up history to make themselves feel better about their betrayal. If he can blame YOU then why shouldn't he?? Especaially when you are willing to accept it.

I think you should let gram know in a gentle way. She could have a lot of influence on him.

And, no, I haven't received anything from the mods yet. I would notify them again.

Moving, I know credit scores are important but you're young and driven and it's something you can repair. More concerning is the damage happening to your heart and soul.

Let that house go! Let him have it! Yes, your credit score will get messed up for a while. You'll be joining millions of other people who are struggling right now with credit score stuff.

Preserving it (and it sounds like a losing battle as long as you're chained to his financial irresponsibility) is not worth what you're living through stress-wise.

You picked a fixer-upper husband and are now discovering he is not fixable. DUI's? Affairs? Financial irresponsibility? You're so immersed in this you have no idea how great life can feel on the other side.

If you don't like the house GET OUT OF THERE. And close the door on him. He is dragging you down to the bottom and it's time to cut the rope.

Yes tell her. She may be paying some of his legal bills and other enabling. Exposure may stop that

May 14, 2012


MO

Just thinking here. And you don't need to respond about finances.

Could you tap into this and get enough to make up the difference w/o being dependant on WH for X amount of time? Lower the price on the house if possible.

He knows how you care about credit. I know is sucks breaking into retirement but you need to shake his world here and treat him like a mushroom until he goes through the anal/crainial removal operation. He may never get that far.

Do not tell WH anything. Go very very dark to his world and also any so called shared friends you know together.

Along with the difference you will need for basic living expenses IRL install a security system or at minimum leave a video camera on while you are gone to work.

Is there anyone in your neighborhood who could keep an eye on the house while you are gone for work and would call you if WH is there?

nESRE

Great ideas!

MO

Let the consequences of his A fall totally on him. Tell gram gently w/o any drama. Show her you are sane and in control.

Should you go back into PLB with total darkness-stay in the house- and keep WH out I predict he will be a very broken man in a very short time.

Keep after your laywer to get the agreement done. Get WH financially in agreement to what he is obligated to pay. Then you if you chose can be free to either persue the D or just sit still in PLB until your mind clears and decide what You want to do.

This is pure speculation:
I see your WH-from what you have written as immature and irresponsible. Possibly naieve (sp) to what it takes to make a M work.
I also think (being WH myself long ago) that your WH is probably playing the -She's a crazy "B" and we are getting divorced card with the hose-bag. Might be she has half a brain and doesn't quite buy it. Once you step out of the picture what is WH going to do? More than likely glob onto the hose-bag. Well there is already trouble there if he can't stay at her house when she works.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Will WH's family and friends be happy to let him stay with them? Especially if they are married and know the truth of what is going on?

I don't know about you but I have had enough of this infidelity thing I don't want anyone of questionable character ever to stay at my house.

Who will take care of WH's finances?


Food for thought.

nESRE

MO

Are you taking care of yourself throughout all of this?

Eating-sleeping well? Getting out and doing some fun things for yourself with family or friends?

nESRE

MO

Welcome to Marriagebuilders! And welcome to the wonderful world of Plan B! Cause that's where you're going missy. A proper one.

(Your old IM sounds woeful. Also, no men should have any close relationships with you unless related, OK?)

I know I am late to this party. RQ asked me to look in on you and you are headed for a nervous breakdown, poor girl.

You have spent MONTHS and MONTHS listening, both directly and indirectly to a drunk wayward (the affair and guilt makes their minds drunk) ramble ON and ON. Nobody cares what he thinks. Nobody needs to know whether he's alive or dead until he commits properly and achieves full remorse.

A FULL Plan B would see you STAND YOUR GROUND. That is YOUR home.

Change the locks and put his stuff in a storage facility or at a relatives with a note.

Dont ask your lawyer if its legal because it isnt. But there are no doorkey police and it isn't illegal either.

A FULL Plan B would see you STAND YOUR GROUND. That is YOUR home.

You are not stealing the property from him. The income is still half his on sale.

A FULL Plan B would see you STAND YOUR GROUND. That is YOUR home.

Again, you are not even barring him access. You have simply, as a wife asked him to end his A before he comes through the door. that is not barring access. He bars his own access by not ending his A.

My WH threatened lawyers, the police, a gang of his friends and relatives if I changed the locks. I just did it anyway.

You are forgetting that you are half his cake and he does not want to permanently upset you. He only wants to upset you just enough. So kick him out.

If he breaks in, call the police. If the police fail to help, leave and get a bunch of relatives to kick him out.

I have never yet seen anyone have to do this. The wayward slinks away. I havent heard from my H in a year. Though he liked initially to try and pass manipulating messages to F&F, I have no idea if he still does that because they dont repeat ANYTHING to me.

If all else fails, move in with your parents. But only after standing your ground and fightng for the home. He doesnt really want the home unless you are in it. SO MAKE THAT IMPOSSBILE UNTIL HE ENDS HIS A.

God bless, sweetie. You need peace and complete darkness.

Tough love and being completely abandoned and without his home, without you, may give him the power to fight this addiction.

But our priority is you.

I would also re-expose that he is using financial blackmail to keep you with him part-time while he continues his A part-time. Say in the exposure letter that you urge people to help him save the marriage by behaving responsibly and ending his A.

Speak to close relatives and get them to come down hard on him if he tries to use financial blackmail.

Use the link in my sig for proper Plan B preps.

He doesn't have a lawyer, he doesn't think he needs one or that I needed to get one. Now my lawyer is out of the country until Monday.
I'm going to get some help from my dad, he said he'll help more if I want it. I put vars and nanny cams in places in the house for now.

Right now he's refusing to move out as he "needs time away from talking or seeing her to think" and he has no where else to go (not true). The police are saying they cannot force him to leave unless I can press charges (for what exactly?) , my neighbor called bc she knew he wasn't staying there and she didn't know why he was there.

My family just thinks I should leave and if my credit suffers a bit, let it go. I don't want to stay there, I just was as its closest to work. I don't want to keep the house at all.

He has to leave sometime. Unless this really is farewell forever for OW!

Stop discussing it and just get the locks changed when he does leave.

Plan A him until this happens and until you can go into Plan B.

Are you prepared for Plan B?

I did change the locks already.
He changed them again, didn't even mention anything about it to me like nothing ever happened.

I haven't spoken to him yet, not ready for plan B though. waiting for RQ's info to be my IM. I sent another notification today.

MO, I haven't heard from the mods yet. I'm still waiting.

You need to have a discussion with him and find out if he is ready to end his affair and COMMIT to recovery with you.

How did he get in?

Its best to wait until Plan B gaps are plugged, you don't want it broken as soon as you do it.

I was wondering that myself. But I guess until the letter is handed over and the IM is lined up, stick to plan A. Make sure he knows that you two can have a wonderful marriage and tend house together if only he would end his relationship with that lovely little ho and commit to a recovery program. Repeat as necessary until your ready to launch plan b

We have old windows in the house on the ground floor (from 1900), one without a screen as it broke and hasn't been replaced yet. He simply climbed in. I didn't even remember about that, I assume the window wasn't locked or the lock is broken.

It never occurred to me to confirm all window locks were working, I just assumed all were locked and/or functioning as we do not ever open those and I keep the windows locked. Good to know that needs to be fixed for safety in general.

His email to me today:

are you going to be here tonight? If so, Will you come stay? I would like you to stay. Was hoping we could have a nice night. I may not want to sign on Monday.
If I were to ask you to try, what would you want from me? I'm taking the weekend to think about things, if I decide to try, I won't be very good company for awhile, but it will be real, I know you would want the nc. so if I can commit to an honest effort, are you interested?

I didn't respond. I don't know what to say, as he had my original plan B letter and acts like its all new to him, even having that plus me telling him over and over these past few weeks what he should be doing. Such a huge part of me wants to be done with the insanity and highly doubts he is mature enough to do this, he's had quite a few chances already. And he seems not to be doing this out of genuine remorse either, again. Thoughts?