This is my story to share--& it is still confusing to me & all my family who know about it.

Our marriage strife began on May 20, 2012. My 3y/o brought me daddies phone, saying he was getting a call. No, daddy was getting a text from a woman he works w/, saying that she wanted him. To be ready & now that they were on the same page, they would have to find the right time & place. Then says she likes it fast & hard, while he replies he likes it long & slow. I admit, I got upset immediately. H was asleep (works 3rd) & I woke him up wanting to know what the hell was going on. He said it was joke. No big deal. Had the roles been reversed, he'd have been livid. I then contacted the woman. She called me, claimed it was all a BIG misunderstanding & apologized profusely.

Fast forward to 2 weeks later. I found sext messages between the 2 of them. I finally approached him 3 weeks ago & he tells me that he did it on purpose, b/c his sister told him I could read his deleted texts, so he did it to 'teach me a lesson' about snooping. He was actually mad at ME for snooping!! Good grief. He has apologized multiple times for the sexts. I told him I wanted the sexts to stop immediately. It did. They do continue to talk & text, nothing sexual, but he continues to delete the messages--even though there is no sexual tone at all. Now, he has been emotionally withdrawn since May & her # first appeared on our phone bill 5-14-12. She is in the process of divorcing her husband. My husband claims he was only a friend to her, but they met outside of work at a local park for about 15 minutes(I was tracking him on GPS) & according to what she told her STBXH, they kissed. My husband denies ever kissing her. I met her face to face, she denied kissing him. However, I also had a recorder in our vehicle on the morning they met & it DOES sound like they kissed. He knows NOTHING about the recorder. I also had a family member call OW's H, pretending to be a co-worker who was seeing 'inappropriate behavior' as a means of exposure. It has set them both on fire, trying to figure out who called. Also learned that there are rumors about the two of them going around the work place.

When I told H about phone call he was furious. Denied ever kissing her, no to meeting in the park 3 times (only once) & that they are 'just close friends'. Then, when I told him I was tired of the lies, he got mad & informed me that he was leaving when he saved enough $ to get his own place. I told him to move to his parents, he said no, he wasn't living in smoke. (yes his parents smoke, they have his entire life & he didn't even move out until he was 26, when we moved in together!! So that excuse is so bogus.) Said he was moving in with a friend in front of the kids last Friday, after learning about me confronting OW. Told me I was making things worse. As if. Now, he says he isn't moving in with friend & will be saving up $ to get his own place.

He blames me for wanting to leave, changing his reasons every time I asked. I haven't shown affection for 17 years(# we've been together, married 13), then it was 3 years, then it was I was too clingy, then it was b/c I don't have a job (been a stay at home since 2004--3 kids, D10, D6, S3). We agreed that I would return to work when our youngest started kindergarten. Then it was because I kept nagging at him about not spending enough time with me or the kids. (He has always been an AMAZING dad, until the past couple months & he barely acknowledged them. My kids had also noticed daddy wasn't spending time with them anymore). These past few days, he is making an obvious effort to acknowledge they kids & they notice it(telling mommy about it). He also started working crazy overtime (one day off a week since the 2nd weekend of June & even worked 14 days straight ending last Sat). She is also working overtime, apparently to fund her divorce.

I confronted OW Friday & she also denied kissing H. Says the sexts were just being funny & that he was trying to make me mad. OW's H told me he confessed to an A in January of this year (with her sister of all people-ick!) & they have been having problems since. H told me he saw OW come in to work crying one night & they started talking. He claims friendship, but his attitude & treatment of me has changed DRAMATICALLY--which makes me think this is (was?) an EA. A week ago Tuesday, OW told her H she was leaving him once her father's home was available for her & their 2 daughters (5 & 4) to move into (around mid August).

Obviously, I still love my H. I am still IN love with him. He tells me he loves me, but has said during what he calls 'fights' that he hasn't loved me for years. I am so damn confused. I tried being more affectionate(although, I always was--I have no idea why he'd say I wasn't!!) but he called that clingy. I no longer tell him he isn't spending enough time with us. I don't nag about anything. I don't argue. I smile & do things as though nothing is wrong. I think I may be making him crazy...LOL

I want our marriage to survive, but w/ him essentially freezing me out, I don't know if we can save it. I KNOW he still loves me, I just don't know how to get him to realize it. Maybe I am kidding myself. I am just so damn confused. He is not affectionate with me unless I hug or kiss him 1st. I am a mess =/

and THAT is the crazy, messed up life I am currently living in. Sound familiar to anyone else?

Realitymom, welcome to Marriage Bulders, sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Your first order of business will be to kill the affair and demand he end all contact with the other woman. He should never see, text or speak to her again, even leaving his job.

That is your mission if you want to save your marriage. Your most potent weapon against the affair is exposure. Please go read the thread listed in my signature and then come back and we can discuss a strategy to kill your affair.

Welcome realitymom. Your story is extremely familiar. We often say that wsywards read from the same book. It sounds like you are ahead of the game with all your snoops in place. Your next step is to prepare to expose this affair far and wide. Do you have ow's name? Did you find her on Facebook?

By the way, he is thoroughly gas-lighting you. Don't believe a word out of his mouth.

~RQ

I HAVE exposed the suspected affair. OW's STBXH knows, her mother & father know (STBXH told them) about the phone call & suspicions. I have even confronted & spoken to OW. All of my family knows as does all of H's. This is by NO means a secret any longer. Even though he still vehemently maintains it is friendship only.

Hello realitymom. You may know this, but I am going to write it anyway, because it is something that when I heard it, it took me forever to "get" it.


It is not just a "friendship." He is in denial. He will also minimize it to you so he can continue. Your husband is not to have friendships with other women, period!!!! He can work with someone, but he is NOT to engage her in ANY conversation such as he is.

This is not just a friendship. The discussions he is having with her is NOT just simple friendship. He is allowing her to meet needs that is making him feel powerful feelings. That should be reserved for you and you only. Those feelings are powerful stuff.

As you read around here more, you will see that a lot goes into BOTH spouses meeting eachother's needs. How to figure out what they are and how to explain to your spouse what you need are very hard things to do. Your husband SHOULD HAVE explained to you what it is that you need to be doing, how you can meet his needs instead of turning to someone else.

Please don't believe his fog talk. He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you to keep you right where he wants you. Right now, he is wanting this other woman to meet some needs over keeping in within your marriage and allowing you to meet those needs.

Where do YOU draw your line?

I absolutely agree. She IS filling some need emotionally for him. But he refuses to acknowledge it. I DID tell him that his 'friendship' with her was taking away from OUR relationship. Of course, that was just 'ridiculous'.

He won't tell me what need she is feeling for him (although I suspect admiration & ego puffing), nor tell me what needs I'm NOT filling for him. His only request of me was to 'get a job'. I am a stay at home mom, have been since 2004. Well, hell to the no, I am NOT getting a job right now. I'd be paying for child care for 3 kids!! It makes absolutely NO sense for me to get a job right now. I am currently babysitting a little boy for $60/wk, but he scoffs at that & says--"Wooooo, $60 whole dollars). Whatever, way I see it, it's $240/mth we didn't have!

He claims we need to start a savings(absolutely agree with this) & start working on a college fund for the kids. He says I only worry about the 'now' & I should be worrying about the 'future'. Of course, that is when he would actually talk about what was bothering him--although he called it 'arguing'. Now we talk about 'safe' topics. No relationship talk. Zilch. Zero. None.

It is not rediculous!!! He does not want the feeling to stop, so he is not going to acknowledge it!!!! Who wouldn't like for someone to find them attractive? Your husband doesn't want to admit that he isn't supposed to indulge himself to find out or even KNOW that someone else thinks we are sexy or "wants us." She is new and it feels good to be wanted. The problem he is not seeing is that HE is part of the problem that it didn't stay alive in his own marriage.

Why does he want you to get a job? Usually, it is a sacrifice for the mom to stay at home. Do you need to get a job right now? Or is it that in his mind, there will never be enough money and he puts that before the care of his children? I may not have asked that in the most diplomatic manner, but I hope you get what I am asking.

Realitymom, how did you present it to them? As an affair? And have you exposed the affair at their workplace? When we talk about exposure, we mean that you specifically tell the target and ask for their help in busting up the affair. I would follow the procedure outlined in my thread. It doesn't sound like you have done anything close to that.

It sounds like it is a secret because the affairees have been allowed to spin the story as a friendship.

And secondly, you should demand that he end all contact even if he has to leave that job. If he won't do that, dr Harley recommends separation.

It's real important that you develop a strategic plan to bust up this affair or you will lose your marriage. Asking him to admit what you already know- that this is an affair - or asking what needs the OW is meeting is a distraction. It is an affair and your marriage won't recover unless he ends all contact for life. That should be your focus.

Our agreement when I left my job back in 2004, to be a stay at home mom, was that I would go back to work when our youngest daughter started kindergarten. Well, we had our son 3 years later, so that meant I would go back to work when HE starts kindergarten. That was always the agreement, until about 3 weeks ago. Now he says I need to work to help him out. We have been living paycheck to paycheck for eight years & NOW he decides he wants me to go back to work? Puhlease.

I have no proof or evidence that there was any type of physical affair. I guess that's why I am in 'evidence' mode. There is no 'secret' cell phone, as I have a recorder in his car, so I would know, I'd hear him talking on it. I suspect EA & that is what I exposed. An inappropriate friendship at the very least. He is absolutely not going to agree to NC with her right now. Which means, if things remain as they have been for the past few weeks, he will be leaving, as I will tell him to get out. I will NOT live in a marriage like this. If you can't treat me like a wife, then don't live with me pretending to be a husband.

Please listen to MelodyLane. I did not. I wasn't "ready" to. Maybe he wasn't in an affair now. Believed that love would win out. blah, blah, blah.

I can see that living paycheck to paycheck would wear thin. You might need to consider going back to work for the family. I don't know. Financial stress will wear a husband completely out. Please listen to those who are more knowledgable than I am on that.

You may not know this right this moment, but, you really don't have to know right at this moment whether it has been physical or not to KNOW that it is an assault on your marriage!!!! It is a destructive disease that will kill your marriage, FAST!!!

He will only tell you the minimum. It is always worse than they admit. I am glad you are in evidence mode!!

So, you have drawn the line for yourself! I love it!!!! You are right, he can treat you like a wife and respect his covenantal vows to you or he can go on.

They won't wake up from the fog until something so hurtful happens that they are made to. Maybe him losing his family will help wake him up.

Here is your evidence, realitymom: "Fast forward to 2 weeks later. I found sext messages between the 2 of them. I finally approached him 3 weeks ago & he tells me that he did it on purpose, b/c his sister told him I could read his deleted texts, so he did it to 'teach me a lesson"

He "did it on purpose b/c his sister told him that you could read his deleted texts to teach you a lesson" is a load of hooey!!! Who does that? A good husband wouldn't do it or lie about it to begin with!! When faced with the evidence, he lies b/c you shouldn't have EVER checked his phone or not trusted him to begin with? A good husband would have admitted the "mistake" and became transparent. He did not!!!!!! Don't entertain this reasoning!!

You have all the evidence right there to expose and you have grounds to demand TODAY that he end all contact for life with her.

Reality mom,

There are things you need to do and do them right now!!! You can't afford to play games with your wayward husband as he is not able to understand and the clock is ticking. Your husband is addicted to this OW like a druggy is addicted to crack, you can't talk sense into people that are stuck in that situation, you must break the addiction and do it now because your relationship is dying.

The only way to break this addiction is to take the high away, and the way you do that is exposure. When you expose correctly then you force your husband to have the affair at the direct expense of his integrity. You take away the privacy which is required for him to be ok with what he is doing. It forces OW to meet all of his needs which she can't then conflict then death of the affair.

Right now you need to expose to everybody telling them that your husband is sending explicit text messages to another woman in secret. You say that you believe he is having an affair and ask for people to use their influence to make him stop.

When he reacts violently you know it's working. Look for him to act like a drug user that had the drugs taken away. He WILL tell you that you are over, ignore it and remember your marriage can survive him being very upset, but it can't survive with him doing these things with another woman.

Exposure is key, read MelodyLane's thread and get to work.

Also, buy a copy of Surviving an Affair right now!! Today!!! Read it tonight. It will explain what you need to do.

Please know that there is a chance that your husband will freak and leave, but that is a chance worth taking because the alternative is trying to get him to quit which he won't do as long as he can keep some resemblance of a family and have OW on the side. (cake eating)

Waywards are extremely good at blame shifting and manipulating. Be certain that nothing you did warrants the affair, but also know that the conditions were right and there are probably things you can do to change that.

More help is comming, but I'll leave to to the experts. I only write because I want you to know that you need a plan and need it right now! Your husband is extremely predictable, so listen to the others and let it be to your advantage.

I am snooping like no bodies business. I confronted over the sexts--they sexted for 8 days, then I confronted him. I have been GPS'ing, spyware on phone, keylogger on computer & recording him for about 16 days. There have been NO sexts since then. Nothing at all yet, but I figure, if there IS something more to it, he WILL slip up & I WILL have the proof.

It's true, the 'just friends' story is bogus. I believe they have kissed. Maybe one day I'll be proven wrong, but I doubt it. I don't think he will EVER admit it though.

My biggest struggle right now is his detached affection. He was very detached emotionally, to the extent of ignoring me. These past few days, he is talking a lot more, telling me he loves me w/out me saying it first & initiating conversation. I wish he would initiate the kisses, but baby steps? Or, this may be a sign of him becoming 'comfortable', thinking things are 'settling' down & he will slip up & I will be busting him out soon. Like I said--land of confusion.

Either way, I am NOT in denial as to what he did was wrong & I surely am not nodding like an obedient dog to his 'answers' for his behavior. I am in full on 'Operation Snoop'.

No, realitymom, the biggest struggle is an ongoing affair and your denial. And if you don't kill the affair it will kill your marriage. You need to take the evidence you have an kill it. You have all the evidence right here:


Your husband is STiLL in contact with his affair partner, which means the affair is ongoing. He can't have an affair and then the next day change the name to "friendship." That is not how this works. As long as he is in contact, it is an ongoing affair.

Do you want to save your marriage, RM? Focusing on things like the lack of affection is a distraction that is going to cost you your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage or not?

Your posts have been written by someone who is in denial.

I want to add one more thing. You are currently following your own program, RealityMom. And we can all see how far that has got you. Those of us who are posting to you have killed our spouses affairs and saved our marriages. We know how to do that.

Do you want what we have?