Reading some of these comments, they're kind of funny, actually. You'd think I was preparing some kind of PhD thesis on the topic, the way some of you are describing it. I was merely curious about a comment Pepperband made about "confessionals" (like, how many women messing around confide in their healthcare workers?).

How many posts have I made? Not a significant investment of time, really. Some time, yes, but not really that much...

markos/indiegirl, yes we go through the withdrawal/conflict/intimacy cycle on a regular basis. Such is life with a borderline. And she definitely doesn't want me "analyzing" her issues...

The point about Knight in Shining Armor is well taken, I have had to confront that issue in myself on previous occasions. Still working on it!

Analyzing her issues, no, but does she want you meeting her emotional needs?

markos, as I said, on a cycle. Did you mean yesterday, this morning, tomorrow? The answer changes...

The point is you've taken the time to show caring about the female co-workers marriage. That is a conversation that should have been shrugged off with a silent 'weirdo' comment about five minutes later.

You were told a few days ago to drop it, because she was being inappropriate, and have still been querying it today. That is a lot of time!

Marriages take 15 hours a week UA time to maintain. Plus 15 hours family time where there is children. That doenst leave a lot of time to waste on female co-workers.

Actually NO time should be spent in that direction.....

I would just stop it.

indiegirl, so snippy!

I take it you mean my advice here:



It is snippy, yes. That's because it is a snip. You say you have recognised this problem, therefore you should have stopped it.

Where's the confusion?

I have no idea what 'working on' means. 'Working on' is usually a euphemism for 'I dont wanna stop/I havent come across a compelling enough reason for me to stop'.

It takes more energy, time and justification to keep on being a KISA to co-workers than it is to stop.

Why dont you plough these efforts into your own marriage?

If you are going through the phases of SoM with your wife then you need these principles for YOUR marriage.

You are in a fantastic place to make your marriage amazing! And you dont even go into in-depth detail about what the issues are when asked. Your co-worker's problem however was described in GREAT detail.

Your time, care and concern could be much better spent on YOU and your DW.

How about it?

indiegirl, by snippy, I meant "you were told to...", to which my reply is "really, mom? Do I have to?"

The KISA syndrome is more one of reaction than planned action. The reaction is what I'm working on. Keeping on (or not) is a decision. I'm not being KISA to coworker. I agreed it wasn't my place, and I'm not going there...

indiegirl, if I were to go into detail on the issues in my M, it would be in a separate topic. The detail I went into in this topic directly addressed the question I was dealing with. All the feedback (even the snippy! ;-) was greatly appreciated in dealing with that one question.

I have read Dr. Harley's books (well, not SAA, but HNHN & LB) and most of the articles on this site with great interest and agree that there are many great principles that can be applied to make my M great. There are some things I don't necessary see the value in, and even more my W doesn't see (most disturbingly, she has expressed strong disagreement with PORH!).

I don't think I've read your whole story, but the summary in your signature seems to sum it up. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that. Maybe that is part of what's behind the "snippiness"? I can understand that...

Yes that was obvious. And yeah you do.



You are responsible for your reactions.



But 'working on' something is just another way of NOT STOPPING. just stopping with this Coworker is not enough. You must have good boundaries and be responsible with all women now and in the future.



Oh I am very happy thanks to MB. Because I have good boundaries and do not 'react' when vultures seeking to take advantage of my betrayal try to make me 'react'.

My thread can outline my happiness in using MB principles if you wish to read it. But you are right in that I have zero tolerance for poor boundaries with the opposite sex.

Remember my post does not contain MY opinion or MY advice, it is Dr Harleys advice. I know you think you are being a good friend and coworker but Dr H says taking such an interest in a member of the opposite sex is to be avoided at all costs.

If you think anyone is posting personal philosophies rather than Dr H's advice click 'notify' and ask the mods to remove the post immediately.

The same goes for personal attacks and anything against the TOS.

Great! Lets do that

Hmmm, but wouldn't discussing my M (a very personal topic) with women (i.e. you) on this site constitute poor boundaries?

Request male responses if you like, we have many great MB husbands on the site.

Anonymity is guaranteed though, so there is no inappropriate direct one-on-one or private contact away from the boards.

The personal messaging function is disabled for that very reason.

But I like your thinking in spotting that danger.

Aside from what others have said, you are leaving yourself vulnerable to being a victim of and/or being accused of sexual harassment within a workplace.

In the interests of RH, show your wife this thread. Be the lighthouse for your spouse and set a good example.

We women can speak to her if she is inclined to post.

And I was wondering if their EMPLOYER is aware of how much of his time they're using in these non-work activities?

I don't see where indie was being 'snippy'. You said you were 'working' on eliminating an undesirable behavior. Her answer was succinct and straight to the point. If you want to stop behaving a certain way, stop behaving that way. Just stop. Nothing snippy about it - it's just common sense.