I come to this site at the request of my BH. Our life has recently been turned upside down on account of an affair I had which started at the end of January 2012. My husband has posted here several times so I will try and not go over the same information he has provided.

To give you the background on our marriage. My husband and I got married at a very young age after I first became pregnant with our first of (3) daughters. Our marriage began in a way that I can't say was the typical wedding a woman would want. My H was more focused on his buddies as I remember throughout our wedding day and things all in all just did not seem like "our" special day. I have spoke with my H about this over the years and he admits to the faults he caused. It's something we all moved on from but was a "stamp" in my memory forever.

Within our first year of marriage and prior to that, while engaged, my H cheated on me (3) times. My H admitted to the cheating eventually each time but after each time continued to do it after we/he did various things to try and "restart" our marriage. One time we even renewed our wedding vows as a promise to a fresh start. Within short order my H did it again. Cheating/affairs were not long in nature, more like "one night stands" with different women, but still hurt the same.

After the last affair episode of his - our marriage moved on and I was of the mind set that...I love him, and need to forgive and forget. I told myself that if he ever cheated on me again I would leave him. I can say that the next 14 - 15 years of our marriage my H has been faithful to me. H says he had a turning point, changed his ways, and knew he didn't want to loose the person he was in love with.

As our marriage went on, we began to build it with all the ups and downs that marriages have. We had (2) additional children and things seemed to be going pretty smooth from the outside looking in. As time went on my H brought a lot of stress into the home. He lost his job and changed jobs several times over the years. These career situations placed a lot of stress on my H as well as the entire family, to include myself. I got to the point over the past 3-4 years that ALL my H would do is talk about money, careers, moving and our financial situation.

It got to the point where my H would come home for lunch to see me and all he would do is search the internet and talk about the same thing over and over. At his own admission, my H realized that this was the primary substance of all our conversations. I asked my H to listen to how my day would go and my H one time told me "I really just don't have time for that now".

As time went on I felt I still remained by my H side even though things from the past would still eat away at me...(H cheating, lack of conversation, lack of importance ect.) I just kinda tucked it all away because I didn't want to hurt our marriage or him. He is a good guy and has always meant well.

Another point I feel is important to mention is that are sex life together has always been great. At one point though in our marriage my husband introduced explicit movies and fantasies about including other person(s) in our private life, including both male and female. Their were times I would cry because I just wanted to make love to my husband but he continued to bring this stuff up. I eventually, over time, convinced myself that this behavior or "wants were acceptable in this day and age. It began to "spice up" our sex life and I felt that I was pleasing my H by now going along with it. Nothing ever happened, but I was looking to make it happen on behalf of my husbands wishes.

Moving along...At start of this year, I ran into an old high school boyfriend at a local store. The first time my H was actually present. H knows this OM, as he actually introduced us in the distant past and attended our wedding. H at this point didn't think much of it, nor did I. I ran into the OM a second time when alone at the store. After that I received a message from OM on FB asking that I send him a text sometime to "catch up" on things. I hadn't seen or spoke to him in over twenty years at this point.

I began texting him and calling him here and there having general conversations mostly about my "great" life with my H and kids and his life with his family. I didn't think to much of it because he was a friend from the past that my H knew. I initially didn't tell H about it because H has always been very protective and at that point would have got a wrong idea.

Things did begin to progress with OM. At that time for me it felt "good" to have someone there to listen to me and make me feel like a priority. Myself and the OM eventually agreed to a mutual meet at a coffee shop. There we talked in person, again general conversation about our lives. We continued to talk via phone and text and started to meet on occasion when possible. We often met on short notice when out and about. The conversations became more sexual in nature sometimes talking about things my H and I had though of and experienced. After meeting more the PA began. First a kiss, then a full blown PA. I felt at the time that he was meeting some basic needs such as conversation and friendship and I knew he was interested in the physical aspect so I went with it. i never felt that I could "open" myself up to him and as i told both my H and the OM, my sex life with my H was the best ever!

I continued to speak with OM and had met with a total of (3) times in which a PA occurred.

My H broke open the affair after becoming suspicious and looking at phone records. This was back in March 2012. My initial reaction was to lie about the extent of the affair. I told H first it was simply conversation and then admitted to a couple meets. My H was hurt and I told myself I would go to hell before telling him the details of this. As the pressure increased and my H came to me with more evidence, I began to let out more details, little by little. I lied, told my H he was crazy for thinking more, all those things that I couldn't help myself from doing. My H was hurt and I wanted to stop his pain.

I eventually left it as the affair consisted of me and OM meeting, talking and even a kiss which I stopped from going any further.

This was the presumption for the longest of times (few weeks) until my H came to me with more evidence. I continued to speak with other male and actually met with him a forth time approx. (2) months ago at which time we spoke with the result being another PA. This in my mind was the last time I wanted to meet with OM as I had told him prior to the PA that I needed to end this whole thing. After the PA I did speak with OM on occasion and told him that my H was finding out the truth and not to lie about this any longer. OM requested that we meet again and I refused.

In the beginning of July my H discovered and I revealed the full extent of the affair. Within the same week of revealing all the unwanted details at my H request I agreed to a Polygraph at hid request. I was ready to be forthright and honest and wished to prove this on the poly.

I took and passed the poly. The affair in my mind was revealed to H. My H followed up with some lingering questions. My H revealed the affair to the wife of the OM, his parents two close friends and his boss. Our kids were also told.

Everyone to include myself were crushed especially my H. We spoke on and off of what we were now to do. We have went back and forth from separation to lets get past this. Our kids are hurt and we both see it.

As this whole thing was blowing up, the wife of the OM sent an unpleasant text to my cell phone which my daughter saw. I felt obligated to return a message saying I was sorrow for the damage I caused and that I do not wish to speak to OM again. I had also told OM this in one of our last conversations. I have not had physical contact with OM since the beginning of May and spoke to him last at the beginning of July at my H's request. There has been no contact for approx. 2.5 weeks. OM has not tried to contact me and I as well.

So here we are. My H has been really pushing MB and its program. I am on board with most of it and really wish to meet his needs in this. My H has requested some things for me to do and most I am in total agreement of. The ones that I am not is not because I "won't" do them, but rather that I am unsure if they are best. I have posted some of these below. Sorry for the lengthy first post, but my H has said that the more information the better.

1. H says that I should author a No Contact Letter to OM? I have absolutely no issue with that, BUT her's my thought?

I have not contacted the OM in over 2.5 weeks, nor do I wish to. He has not contacted me. I sent a text message to his spouse telling her it was done. During my final conversations with OM I told him that this was over and no contact was to be made either way.

I feel that sending him a letter now, from me, may give him the impression that he was on my mind, rekindling his thoughts that in some way I was reaching out to him. I could see and would agree on doing this letter (2) weeks ago, but I don't wish to give him any indication that I exist for him or further upset his spouse by seeing a letter from me.

2. My H and I are working at putting into place safeguards to ensure him there is NO contact. H wanted me to change my cell number. I became upset at first because so many have this number. For example, the HR department at work, banks, distant relatives ect. My H told me he called the cell phone company and blocked certain numbers that were used during the affair. I asked H is that was good enough. I told him that if OM really wants to get in touch with me he will. Just reality. H biggest fear is future contact.

3. I have begun reading Surviving an Affair with H. Although some of the information seems helpful I can not agree that I was "in love" with this OM. It was always the conversation and importance that made me drawn to the whole thing. The sex in my mind was not good, but kept the OM on track of speaking with me and making me a priority. I know this was not a one night stand, but I never once thought of being with this OM for life! I have told my H that during the affair, the OM did say he loved me. I told OM he didn't and never returned the words to him. OM wished to spend more time just being together, which I denied him. I enjoyed the conversation and being a priority in someones life.

With all that said, my H is pushing the MB program. I am going along but am not yet convinced that it all applies in the same way for every affair. I am committed to moving on and rebuilding my marriage. I have even agreed to relocate if it was my H wish.

Not sure what to do next. I am seeing a therapist because I believe there are things in my past that need corrected to make me a better person for myself and H. I have done everything that my H has asked and feel the affair is over and want to move forward. We are both aware that things lead up to this disaster on both of our parts, but the affair was my decision that I regret.

Your best advice please.....Thanks.

Welcome to MB whathappened. You came here at your husbands request, but hopefully you will stay here for different reasons. I am hoping you will use the information you receive, to better yourself, to help your husband heal and to create the best marriage you have ever had.

What is your husband screen name?

Totally irrelevant to this situation. Lots of us have wedding days that didn't turn out as we planned. It is irrelevant to having affairs.


My H had a ONS. Although different in dynamic than a LTA, it is equally as painful in its own ways.

I am sorry that your WH made the choice to go outside of his marriage, and for the pain that caused you.


You can see now that mindset was not right. You basically went back to living a life that made affairs not only possible, but probable.

Your BH is 50% responsible for creating an environment that was ripe for affairs. You are 100% responsible for your choice to HAVE ONE. Many people do not get their needs met, but make a choice to not have an affair.

You realize now that 'tucking it away' and not taking steps to affair proof your marriage in the future actually DAMAGED your marriage and did not help your marriage, don't you?

You have the opportunity to do it right this time. It is up to you to take it.

So did you bring others into the equation this way, or did you just fantasize about it? Dr Harley has specific articles written regarding swinging, and other similar situations.

What you mean to say is...I knew it was heading in the wrong direction. I didn't tell H about it because H has always been very protective of ME, HIS WIFE, and at that point would have KNOWN THAT A POSOM WAS TRYING TO GET IN MY PANTS.

You mistakenly said you H would have gotten the WRONG idea, when in reality your H would have gotten the RIGHT idea.

You did not tell your H because you knew yourself that what you were doing was the start of a slippery slope and was wrong. You did not tell him to deceive him and to purposely, with full knowledge of what you were doing, head down that slippery slope.

Whoa here. You couldn't HELP YOURSELF from lying to him? That is the biggest load of fog babble I have ever heard. Are you not a grown woman? Are you not a MOTHER? Would you accept this excuse from your child when they lie to you, I lied because I couldn't help myself? Because some little tiny tongue gremlin took control of my tongue and forced it into words that said the exact OPPOSITE of reality.

You need to completely and totally erase comments like this from your vocabulary. I repeat. You are 100% responsible for your affair. You are also 100% responsible for all of the many lies you have told your husband, your children, and everyone else in your life to cover your a$$ while you lied to protect it.

And BTW, you did not lie to your H because he was 'hurt and you wanted to stop his pain.' Another load of fog babble crap. You lied to your H because you were protecting yourSELF.

Again, any BS will be completely insulted by this.

Almost as painful as the affair itself is the lies and deception that follow it. False recoveries and continued trickle truths crush every ounce of honor you have. How on EARTH could you possibly say that this was to protect your BH???

2.5 weeks is nothing. A No Contact Letter is standard procedure in MB. You are right that you can break this agreement, and your BH will be advised accordingly if you do. The NC letter is not for your benefit, or for the benefit of your OM. It is for the benefit of your H. Your spouse was not privy to the 'final conversations' you had with your OM, and if he were it probably went something like this..."H knows and now I HAVE to stop seeing you. But I will always cherish our time together...kiss hug kiss hug." If you expect to 'tell' your BH that you already told the OM you want no contact, and think he will believe that, you are mistaken. Your word at this moment, is worthless.

A NC letter will clearly state that there is to be no contact between you and your OM, lest there be any gray area. And it will be approved and mailed by your husband.


Who really cares what goes through your OM's mind when he gets the letter. As long as the message DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN is loud and clear.

Your OM, what is or is not on his mind, should not be your concern. Your HUSBAND, the man you said vows to, he is your concern. If he wants a NC letter, and he should, you, without batting an eye, should say OK, I will do whatever I can to try and repair the immeasurable damage I have done to you and our marriage, dear husband.


You had the audicity to talk and text numerous hours on this phone with ANOTHER MAN and your HUSBAND, as a requirement to try and repair the damage you have caused, asks you to change the number...and you GET UPSET.

Thats ludicrous. You have no right to get upset. He has every right to require you to change your number. If you had any respect for him you would do this without batting an eye.

Is it a pain in the a$$? Sure. This is the bed you made, and it is a small price to pay if it brings him a sense of safety and safeguards your marriage.

BTW, I'm sure you spent more time in one week on the phone with your OM than it would take you to call all of these places to change your number. You've got the time.

I have also read SAA and there is information in there to cover ALL types of affairs, in the very beginning in fact. Dr Harley is quick to disclaim in ALL his writings that your situation might not fit things precisely. You are using that as a reason to not apply the concepts.

The concepts are applicable whether you were in love with your OM or not. Poor boundaries and EP's are obviously very applicable to your marriage and your affairs, for example. There are MANY things in SAA and on these forums that are applicable. Don't use the few that are not to justify why the program is not for you.


Your past had nothing to do with you making the choice to have an affair. Healing your husband and your marriage should be your priority right now.

WH76. Welcome to MB.

Unwritten has posted a lot for you to think about.

Have you read all of the information on this site?

Have you closed your FB account? Have you changed email addresses?

I would have to say that I agree with your BH, you should change your cell number. Saying that you don't want to, simply because of the inconvenience to you is a very foggy statement.

And on the NCL, you most definitely SHOULD write one, as described on this site, and in SAA. You need to have a clean break from OM, and one that shows OM that what you had was wrong.

yes on the nc letter. 2.5 weeks IS nothing, as unwritten said.

changing your phone number is no big deal. we had to change our home phone (unrelated reason). it wasn't the end of the world. we also had to change banks. that was more difficult! but still totally doable. not changing your phone number is showing your BH that you are not committed to him. that the 1/2 hour of "trouble" it will take you to inform the important persons isn't worth it to you; consequently, HE isn't worth it to you.

have you exposed to OMW?

all waywards say SAA isn't relevant to their sitch. it is. you're just foggy.

do you want to save your M with your BH? if so, stop making excuses. they are hurting him. each thing you balk at is another needle to the heart.

whathappened, from the vantage point of a person who had an affair and who since then has managed to save his marriage & make it better than before, there's a lot I could tell you (and if you have questions, by all means, ask); but for now, let me just look at a couple of things you've said:

My advice: Change the number ASAP, if you haven't already. Like, yesterday. So, you'll have to spend 4 or 5 or 12 hours informing all of your contacts of your new number. So what? You have put your marriage, your children's home environment, at risk because you had poor boundaries. It is incumbent on you to go overboard to reestablish proper boundaries. As you yourself acknowledge, fear of resumption of contact is your H's biggest fear. If you've read 70 pages or more into SAA, then you've read about "Extraordinary Precautions." They're called "extraordinary" for a good reason. Not "convenient" precautions. Doing merely what was convenient for you is what ended up with you going soles-up for a guy who wasn't your husband. (Sorry to be crude, but it is what it was.) You need to go the extra mile to reassure your H. Is it a perfect assurance that OM won't contact you? Of course not? Can there be perfect assurance? Of course not. But changing all phone #s is actually a pretty basic step -- it's actually not all that extraordinary. Many people have had to switch churches, move their kids to different schools, quit jobs, or relocate to another state. Changing your cell # is pretty mild compared with stuff like that, and if you resist it, that sends a really bad signal to your husband about how invested you are in saving & restoring the marriage. If you haven't already done so (sorry -- again, it wasn't clear to me whether you have or haven't), then do it today, and you'll be glad ya did.

How's that relevant to anything? I wouldn't get hung up on definitions of "love" if I were you. That's peripheral, little better than trivia. You were infatuated with OM's attention, at least enough so as to drop yer thong for him. That carves a betrayed spouse deep -- as you yourself know something about, no? As SAA clearly indicates (and I've read the whole thing more than once), affairs can have greater or lesser degrees of emotional investment on the part of the affairees. During my affair, I told my OW (even before it went all the way physical) that I loved her, because I actually felt it, or something awfully like it, at the time. I didn't have any thought of leaving my wife, whom I also felt, even then, that I loved -- but I was plenty overwhelmed to be getting attention from two women, and told myself that I loved them both. Looking back now, though, it seems absolutely, completely bizarre, sheer madness, to me that I would've felt that way or said such a thing with respect to that OW or any OW.

My point: It doesn't have to be "love", and you don't have to think that it was "love", for it to have been what it was, what my affair was, what your affair was, what all affairs are at their very core: A manifestation, a metastization, really, of selfishness. Once you admit that central fact to yourself, you'll make much better headway in helping your H feel emotionally safe with you & building a marriage that's better than before your & his affairs.

You wanted my best advice. There's a start. Like I said, if you've got questions, ask.

Are you sleeping/eating normally?

Helloooooooooooooooooo

I've tried to take as much positive insight as I could from all the responses here. I have drafted a NC letter which will be sent out to OM. I am new to MB and the concepts my H has been telling me about. I understand the NC letter now, I was just of the mindset that I told this OM I was done and my H and I were going through all these things together because of my A and I didn't want to bring this OM into the equation again for any reason. I know his wife is "pissed" (understandable) and the next thing is a letter shows up at there house from me. Like stated, it is for my H benefit, not mine. I also will be changing my cell number ASAP. I have been going through my FB WITH my H and just trying to keep in touch with some family friends and girlfriends to let them know I am terminating my account. Other than that, I used some land line phone throughout the affair that I don't feel I can do anything about. I did contact the OM from my work email and phone, but what can I do about that? My work email is set by the HR department and is pretty standard and can not be changed. Are there any other EP I can put in place to help him. I have been reading SAA with H and we also have several other books he ordered to get to after SAA. We have been spending time together as much as possible and trying to make small steps toward recovery.

Keep reading this site. You will gain more insight the more you read.


You need to put a "period" on the end of that chapter in your life.
You write the NC letter because it is good for your marriage.


It's for the benefit of your marriage.


Very good!


What does your husband think should happen with the land line? Whatever it is, do it.


Ask your H what he needs to feel protected.


So, how is YOUR love-bank balance towards your husband?
And, what love-bank deposits are you making into your husband's love bank?
Lastly, what family members do you need to apologize to?

I'm so pleased you are doing the early steps.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Keep your spirits up.

Please respond, thanks.

No, I am not eating or sleeping normally. When I am sleeping it's not restful sleep, I toss and turn on occassion and in the morning it takes so much effort to get out of bed. For awhile I would have to really force myself to get out of bed then when I did I would feel the need to rest after feeding our dogs and letting them out, everything exhausted me. I just feel so drained. Eating two slices of bread in the am and one meal a day. Here's the thing..I agreed to to doing MB, I am reading from the books he purchased as often as I can when I am not working or tending to making the kids something to eat or catching up on laundry or attending the kid's games. I am continuing to see a psychologist weekly since march regarding issues I need to deal with about myself. I believe these issues molded me into not being a good communicater and it's how I learned to shove things that hurt me somewhere down deep and not deal with them because I felt I couldn't. I just feel if I don't change these things about myself it's going to bite me in the [censored] again someday. Also, anytime my H and I have time together we are talking about what happened. He wants me to continue to post. I have talked to his parents, brother, my brother and my friend re: the affair. I have meet with our priest.All in the last two weeks. I feel I have no time with the kid's and that they are going to think I'm ignoring them bc i'm reading or on the computer all the time, if my H is home WE are talking..I am eating, breathing and sleeping this affair and it doesn't seem to be enough for him. I just feel I am trying to understand and process everything but have no time to do it. I realize I have to pay the price for what I did but I am getting so overwhelmed I am getting angry, I'm afraid I'll end up giving up.