Deb,

Sorry there was so much drama. This is pretty typical of someone in an active affair.

Yes, your husband is definitely up to something. Yeah, your husband is emptying your bank account to set homeless, skanky OW up with someplace to live. Yep, he helped her move in, while lieing to you about what he was doing. Nope, her mother is not coming to fetch OW because OW has your H to look after her. I imagine OW mother has been told to ignore your questions and messages. Yep, your husband spent the day with OW.

The tactic your husband used by discussing your sister is called "gaslighting". All discussion started to revolve around your sister. Waywards do it frequently to divert attention from the conduct of their affair. To me, it's sort of like watching one of those movies in which the devil-possessed character's head spins and they puke green.

The steps to bust up an affair are to Plan A (carrot and stick) for about three weeks. Expose the affair to friends, family, co-workers (if applicable). After about three weeks, if the husband does not agree to end the affair, women should go into Plan B. I think you should be preparing for Plan B, getting your finances in order and identifying an intermediary.

Do you think you can plan A for a couple of weeks while you get ready? It means no lovebusting of any kind and making your home an inviting place to be.

Sorry. I was really hoping that OW would be far away by now.

Have you talked you your husband's parents? It seems as though your sister made a direct hit on the affair when she told H's parents about the affair. Will they talk to your H and put pressure on to end the A?


AM

I will agree

he is acting like a typical WAYWARD spouse.

The drama is him trying to capture control of his two lives again. He had it until you decided to woman up and clarify it is unacceptable to you, his wife.

You have a long haul ahead of you. All betrayed spouses do.

You are not so unique in how you live your life. How you have handled things in your marriage nor even how you approach things in general. That would be a good place for you to begin in understanding in order to be bravely moving forward with this.

Sometimes though we need to know we are uniquely ourselves, we are not special in experience and we can use that knowledge to help with the horrible situations we experience in life........infedelity being one of them. No one deserves being betrayed by their beloved but it happens in even the most magical marriages so often. Sadly, if any person spends any time alone with someone of the opposite gender and crosses lines of conversation (needs starting to be met), etc with them..........affairs begin.

I wonder now if my hubby drained our personal bank account because he plans to get rid of me!

I would suggest that your supposition is close, but not spot on.

Wayward-inclined men view their partners differently than would women on the prowl. When it comes down to it, women see the options with their partners as an "or" proposition, as in "I can have OM, OR BH." Men see the same situation as an "and" opportunity, rendered, "I can have BW at home AND OW on the side."

WH is more likely NOT planning to "get rid" of you, but just arranging things to his benefit should you decide to "get rid" of him.

This fine delineation is of less import than the action to be recommended. Since they made the rules, and therefore are the only skilled players of the game, you must contact one of the group of folks known as "lawyers". TODAY! It may well be that the level of fund extraction is large enough that a restraining order on the marital assets is necessary.

Deb, could it be that your husband is the one with the gambling problem ???? Do you have a way to check this out ? I'm not saying he isn't giving money to this OW, but...waywards lie about everything.

No, my husband does not have a gambling problem. He has a drinking too much mountain dew problem that revs up his hyperactivity and smoking too much pot problem to calm down his hyperactivity. I do not smoke pot. I rarely drink alcohol (and on those rare occasions only a few sips). I probably drink too much coffee. My husband's smoking gives him an excuse to go see a "buddy" that will have a smoke with him. That's not anything I want to share with him.

OW drinks and smokes. The day she called my husband at his place of business and talked to him for ten minutes, she told him that she had went to the bar at the mall near the motel the previous evening, by herself, to have a few drinks. What sane woman cognizant of the dangers does that? I don't understand.

I don't want to rail against women, but there are circumstances that simply exist in our society that make it very unwise for a woman to walk into a bar by herself and start drinking.

Yes, I have talked to his parents. My mother-in-law told me that my husband is lonely. She told me to make it work. I am respectful to his parents, but keep my distance for many reasons. I know my husband vents to them about me and I don't like what I hear when it trickles back to me.

MIL gave my sister an earful the other day listing all of my faults. My sister defended me, but what's the point? It wouldn't matter if I was the best wife in the whole world, I would never be good enough for her son. All I know for sure is MIL is allergic to cats so I keep 3 of them on duty at all times. MIL doesn't come over for visits.

I don't think my relationship with MIL is good enough to be able to enlist her efforts in a productive manner.

I called him at work and he agreed to make a substantial deposit into our joint account. I will be fine financially, I was just in a bit of a panic trying to figure out what he was doing. My imagination was working overtime and I haven't been eating and sleeping in a healthy manner. I wake up, things are swirling in my head, I get up and put coffee on, and then I post on this board seeking help. But what you wrote made a lot of sense to me. If my husband truly wanted to get rid of me, I think he would be throwing money at me and screaming--get the heck out!--rather than depleting our account and making it difficult for me to leave (at least in the short-term). I don't want to leave our house.

Deb,


Waywards never throw money at their spouses, screaming for them to get out. All you have to do is read a couple of "People" magazines at the hair salon to figure out that waywards, even the ones with loads of money, want to have everything, including money.

There are countless women on this forum who have lost everything due to their husband's scheming. The women believed their H would never harm them. The WH starts out being nice, then takes more and more out of the bank, until there is nothing left.

I actually think your husband wants you both. He is setting young slutty woman up in a nice little love shack. But she will want more and more.

So, Deb, what is your PLAN???? Is your husband home at all?

AM

Deb. He is acting like a typical wayward. He wants both of you. That is HIS plan...to have two women.


So far his plan is working quite nicely for him. He gets you to back off by throwing crumbs and manipulating you with anger and gaslighting.


He will carry on with this plan until he sees that you are "serious" about NOT accepting this. The insanity will stop once you get serious. Give WH your list of conditions to keep YOU in this marriage while doing a stellar Plan A. Get ready for plan B.

Do not accept a third person in your M.

((((hugs))))

Money into a joint account?

How about him agreeing to money in an account solely under your name.

Bat eyes and say sweet as honey on a warm spoon
"It would help me feel less insecure to have it in my name only......so I am sure it will be there. Thanks honey."

Hi Deb, I've been offline for a few days and am just catching up. You have some of the wisest MB'ers posting to you.

How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Have you gone to a doctor, even if just to discuss the effect this is having on your health and what options are available for you should you need them?

Deb, let us know what your plan is... what conditions have you set for your WH? How is your Plan A holding up? Has WH written the NC letter?

Give us an update.

And hugs to you. Being betrayed ain't easy. Take care of yourself.

Plan: Read and reread this thread, drink in and process all the information that all of you have provided, continue to educate myself, continue to read articles on MB website, and read the books that I ordered when they arrive. I want to have a very good grasp of the MB program so that I can utilize it to build a better marriage.

I'm digging right now to uncover the ENTIRE truth.

OW's mother responded to my last PM on facebook. She said she understood how I feel because her first husband (OW's father) left her for a 24 year old woman after 18 years of marriage. OW's mother said she would talk to her daughter and remind her how painful it was when she discovered her husband's affair. She told me that OW did not have romantic feelings for my husband, but she did not confirm that OW was now living with her. I responded and asked OW's mother to tell me the truth about OW's location.

My husband comes home every day after work. We talk and I try to make it pleasant for him, but did not succeed on Tuesday morning. He asked to talk to me before he went to work, reassured me that he was making a substantial deposit to our joint account before going to work, and then our discussion went downhill and got a little heated.

Although he tells me he has not talked to OW, he told me that he thinks she is now staying with another one of her male friends in his apartment here in town. I confronted him about the inconsistency in his statements. If you have not talked to her, how can you possibly think now that she is still in town, when you previously told me that her mother was coming to get her and take her out of town? I asked him if he was the "male friend" putting her up in the apartment and he denied doing so claiming that he could not afford to do something like that. He claimed all of his cash withdrawals were for other purposes, not to set up a love shack for OW.

My immediate plan is snooping and investigative work. I'm also going to set up a private bank account. I have an asset that I'm going to liquidate now so that I have a chunk of cash set aside as a safety net.

Long run, my plan is to save our relationship and work with my husband to build a better marriage.

I also confirmed that the deposit was made by viewing account data online; and my husband brought home deposit slip after work.

Deb,

What spying tools do you have in place?

A VAR in his vehicle? A GPS on his vehicle? Spyware on his phone?

Great, but recognise that you will not get this from WH. He is wayward. I have even read on MB of waywards confronted with hard evidence, and still denying.


I interpret this as OW TOLD her mother she does not have feelings for your WH. And with her mother's past, she will not admit it. I think you have thrown a huge grenade at the A though, so well done. OW will likely now have to hide her A from her mother. She will be worried. Word of caution though Deb... blood is thicker than water. This mother may have offered support, but at the end of the day, she is likely to believe and side with her daughter. Be careful on revealing your sources to her.


Okay Deb, I know you want the truth. But you need to change your thinking here. WH is not going to give it to you. Bill Clinton didn't give it, not until the world had DNA evidence. So stop asking him for truth, and find it yourself. You know his story does not make sense. I know that feeling, of being lied to but WANTING to believe because trusting our spouses has become a habit. Almost a reflex. You need to control your knee-jerk reaction of wanting to believe. You know he is wayward. Never believe a wayward.

Right now, your H is wayward, so you are not working with him. The A is your enemy, and you need to fight it so you can get your WH on board with recovery. You can not recover your marriage with an active wayward. My take on your view is that you want to POJA your WH into recovery. A wayward is NOT likley to be enthusiastic about committing to MB concepts.

Has your WH written the NC letter yet? This is key. It will show if he is prepared to end the A so recovery can begin.

I think my husband may be monitoring this forum, so I don't want to say.

Note to my hubby whom I love very much: If you are monitoring this forum, that's okay and know that the truth always comes out . . . so if you're still keeping secrets, just tell me so we can move forward! You told me, you feel it in your heart that you love me more than any other person in the world, and I feel the same about you! Again, I'm willing to meet all of your emotional needs and make you a happy man if you get OW out of our lives forever and commit to a solid plan to recover our marriage!

"So stop asking him for truth, and find it yourself"

Okay. I understand. And, I think I'm going to go on a 'truth-seeking mission' right now (while my hubby is sleeping) and find out if one of my suspicions is correct. Will report back in about a half an hour.

No, he has not written NC letter. I'm still trying to uncover truth about OW's location, so I don't know where to send a letter right now.

You posted this on 22 July:

And this today:
So WH has still not written a NC letter. Her location does not matter. Watch his actions. Ask him and see what he does.

Ask him to write it regardless. Say you will take care of sending it to OW. You have sources. You can get it to her, even indirectly if necessary (although by all means try directly). FB? Her mother?

Seriously Deb, does this strike you as hat in hand repentant? Full of remorse, willing to do whatever it takes to recover your marriage? Three days, tell us what has your WH has DONE to show he is wanting to recover your marriage?

ACTIONS NOT WORDS.

Right now, it seems your WH is talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Whilst you are running around doing all of the work for recovery.

Your tasks right now are not trying to force recovery. Your tasks are:

Snoop and verify.
Expose more if necessary.
Plan A.
Set conditions for recovery.
Set up your Plan B in case WH does meet your conditions.
And if WH still does not meet your conditions, implement and follow Plan B.

Well said.

And do not argue with him.

AM