Some general questions for the Vets and other BS's in the recovery process.

Assume your snooping tactics have been successful. Over many months you've learned all kinds of information about your WS's foggy activities, plans and actions. You are now in possession of all kinds of knowledge that could only have been obtained by covert means -- including the confirmed death of the A. The major events of the A have been blown wide open and most everything your WS did is out in the open, but not everything; not the things you learned via snooping. You are tentatively beginning the recovery process.

1) At what point in the process, if ever, do you reveal, discuss and deal with things that you could only have learned via snooping?

2) At what point, if ever, do you disclose your snooping methods?


Assume you've fought hard for your marriage, Plan A was successful and your reluctant FWS is now beginning to participate in the recovery. But to protect yourself and your children, you were fully, completely prepared to file for D and fight for custody.

1) When, if ever, do you reveal to your FWS that you were ready at a moment's notice to blow up the bridge and file for D (and perhaps go Plan B) if they had done X, Y, or Z?

2) What are the advantages or disadvantages of telling your FWS you weren't just thinking about a D as a result of their actions, you were in process of filing for D -- but didn't pull the trigger?

Your answers and stories related to these questions would be very helpful...

These details should be revealed as they are found. If they were not, then you should tell her now.


Never. When an affair has been found, your methods of snooping should not be revealed.




The wayward should be told up front that if the affair does not end and she does not commit to a program of recovery that divorce will be the outcome. The BS should be up front about that fact all along.

Driven, in other words, don't be afraid to tell your spouse that divorce will be the outcome if she doesn't get on board. A waywards needs to know that you will not stay in a loveless, one-sided, abusive marriage.

Yes, but doesn't Dr. Harley also recommend that once the affair is truly over, you never bring it up again? Wouldn't this cause major LB withdrawals and risk negative impact to the recovery process?

He says that the affair should not be rehashed once all the details are known. All the details are not known. For example, she doesn't know the extent of your information and telling her how much you know would send the message that you have pretty good resources. And that is a good message to send a wayward!

And if the WS demands to know how you know X, Y and Z? You simply refuse to tell them?

I politely told my husband that was my business and I would never reveal my sources.

Driven2, first, I want to say that you are on the ball!! At this point, you need to tell her that you know more than she has revealed and that she has not been completely honest. She needs to be reminded that sparing feelings is not an excuse to be dishonest and hold back valuable information!

Secondly, I REALLY need your help and advice on snooping!!!!

never reveal your sources

Remind her also that demands are a lovebuster.

All disadvantage IMO - If you didn't pull the trigger then you aren't "in" the process of filing for D. So what is the point to telling a WS such a thing? Either you pull the trigger or you don't. The worst thing a BS can do is "talk" and then not follow through.

It's a good idea to be honest about it. There is no reason to not be honest about it. There are only advantages to informing the spouse that you were prepared to divorce her over her affair and/or refusal to work on the affair. That might give her second thoughts about a repeat.

Because I was still actively monitoring the situation for awhile I didn't want my wife even having the thought that I may be still snooping on her so when I revealed such details I'd say something like...

"I don't remember...I think that information I overheard while you were talking to someone while in the tub and I had a my ear to a cup on the door eavesdropping."

Another explanation I spun was that I was able to retrieve a copy of all their texts from Verizon (which isn't possible but she didn't know that).

But I would follow up such broad explanation with "But we don't need to focus on HOW I got that information...but rather what that information is and why you lied/are lying to me"


1. Waywards are so overwrought emotionally that they won't remember which details they said or wrote to who, when and where. Between talking, texting and emailing their OM and their best friend(s) in the know and other affair supporters they won't be able to recall that there's only one place you could have gotten one specific nugget of information.

2. If the affair is truly 100% over...they won't care any longer if you snoop on them so even if their mind goes there...they'll shrug it off as "Whatever". It's a good test to see if there is still NEW lies going on.

3. Be careful of the wayward that wants to focus solely on what you know...how you know it and where this information is stored. They want the evidence destroyed (have 2 copies so you COULD destroy one if you want too without yet revealing you have a backup). If they are still lying about a lot of stuff they will be hesitant to go forward until they know all the details you know so they can figure out if they can continue lying about some details you don't know about. (that's why being general about knowing everything...giving some nuggets with the implication that the nuggets are just the tip of the iceberg you know....such that they just confess everything honestly...i.e. - they give up)

4. A little over a year into recovery I came clean about snooping. She was thankful for all I did to save her and our family and apologetic for putting me in the position of needing to snoop in the first place.

5. We both are free to snoop as much as we want now.


Mr. Wondering


p.s. - As far as telling my wife about seeing an attorney and being prepared to file....a few months into recovery I made her aware of that fact as well as the fact I didn't intend to remain/continue in a loveless marriage indefinitely. That simply staying married for our daughter wasn't enough for me. I had an out and I'd use it unless she got on board with a recovery PLAN.

Why is she demanding to know?

My H was so remorseful that he didn't care what I did. He actually busted me at one point; he found one of my VAR's. I'd tried it out and it didn't pick up enough clear sounds (cheap model - I had bought a better one and already had it planted in his car.) He asked what it was and I looked him squarely in the eye and told him that it was a voice-activated tape recorder, but that it wasn't a good one, so I couldn't use it. I told him that I would do whatever it took to make sure my marriage and my family was safe. And that NONE of it was his business. All he needed to do was be faithful and he had nothing to worry about.

I also told him that he was welcome to do anything he wanted to do to make sure I was faithful. He declined.

Like it!

Great idea on the explanation for knowledge related to text messages...

I can see the beauty of turning it around and keeping the focus on the WS and what they did.


That is pretty much parallels my approach so far.

She still believes she has a God given right to privacy, though her tenacity on this appears to be fading over time.

In this particular case, she would likely be pulling her hair out to figure out who betrayed her and how I found out. She broke no contact a year ago with the help of her POS friend. It was kept very secret between the two of them (FWS and her "friend").

Remorse? That's not something I've even remotely seen yet. Not sure I ever will.

@Driven2: Found your thread!

The important thing to remember here is that YOUR experience is not HER experience. The chances are very good that if you recover, she's going to look back at her affair as the turning point in your marriage. While it may not make it a "good" thing, for her the "good" experiences were prior to D-Day, and then after D-Day all the "bad" (consequences!) happened at the start of recovery: exposure, tears, nights spent apart, arguments, etc.

Pushing her to try to change her mind about how she thinks of the events will not work, period. Lead with love, but set limits on what you are willing to accept.

There's one positive spin to this. The affair woke the two of you up to what you were doing to your marriage and provided the impetus to change. Losing a loved one, suffering a debilitating illness, or having a major unpleasant life event can also provide a similar stimulus to change. Not pleasant, not "good" in the typical sense, but if you make it work and fall back in love with one another, you might come to view the affair and its consequences as a terrible, destructive fire after which you built something new and beautiful together.

But you have to make your marriage be the "good" you both love together. Put in the effort, and you can make the feelings she experienced during the affair seem like the pale shadows of reality they are.