Yes, I do. No matter what your plan for the future is - to try to reconcile or call it quits.

I will see what she says tomorrow. I don't want to run her off.

At the time, me moving out was the only way I could deal with this. Being around her only hurt me more.

Maybe you should really think about your plan for the future, we already know that she is a wayward, no transcripts needed.

Unless she makes a dramatic personal change and agrees to end all opposite sex friendships, become completely transparent and commits to the marriage, this is hopeless and you are better off cutting your losses before you lose more. The longer you are married to her, the more you will lose.

"I will see what she says tomorrow. I don't want to run her off."

She ran off a long time ago. She is long gone.

Jeff, were you legally divorced from your former marriage when this relationship began?

I think you picked a wrong'un at a very vulnerable time in your life.

Were you happy in your life at this time? Fess up. You were more concerned in finding someone to help you feel better than making smart choices, right?

I agree with the others, you should stick around here, learn what can be done to heal you in a personal recovery and what you need to seek from a truly appropriate partner in life.

I'd concentrate on exposing OM for now and see a lawyer who is a bulldog about protecting you in a D.

Have your family been exposed to as well?

If your plan is to try and reconcile, you won't do it while she has an entire house and privacy in which to carry on her As.

If it was ME, I'd go home, kick her out, change the locks and see a lawyer about making sure I got as much as I could in the D.

(Keep a recorder on you though to prevent her falsely accusing you of violence)

But if you want to try reconcillition, I would do the above but give her a chance to stay if she agrees to recovery conditions in full, and writes an NC letter to OM.

We already know what someone addicted to the cheap, easy attention of affairs 'will say tomorrow'

Whatever will get her the privacy/permission to have As and keep you on the backburner too.

I would strongly counsel you to NOT listen to anything she says and instead insist on what must be done.

Onboard with the marriage or out.

I think stated his divorce was finalized about 4-5 months before he met current wife.

Jeff, you sound like the kind of who believes in love and marriage. But I think you are also one of those men who makes poor choices in a partner, perhaps it's because you are willing to ignore the red flags when dating (the behavior of your potential girlfriend reflects the behavior of your wife). I think it's because you built a false intimacy and that you are one of those romantics who only wants to believe the good in people. People like that always get hurt by those willing to take advantage.

I agree with Mel that this is a habitual adulterer and that it would be wise to get legal counsel and then take a good hard look at MB material so you do not repeat this mistake with #3. She chose to do these things, your ex-wife chose to do those things, the only thing you can control is how to avoid those women in the first place.

I met my husband online as well. He later told me (years later...) that he was shocked that I was the only girl who didn't offer to go back home with him that night. So, I suppose it's common these days (btw I was 23 so not exactly old-fashioned?) but I think that's an interesting way to gauge someone.

"I met my husband online as well. He later told me (years later...) that he was shocked that I was the only girl who didn't offer to go back home with him that night. So, I suppose it's common these days (btw I was 23 so not exactly old-fashioned?) but I think that's an interesting way to gauge someone."

Wow, you just told my story! Before I went out on a date with my husband (first date in 21 years) I told him that if he put his hands on me it was all over! I learned in later years this was not the norm with other women he had met on the Internet.

Goodness I appreciate all the great responses....

Yes I have expose to my family, my relatives, my cousin that is facebook friends with her, etc.

I've exposed to her mom & her brother. Her brother is a very good guy that home schools kids in a Christian atmosphere.

My aunt was over here awhile ago & we talked. I told her the whole story & she could not understand why I was even thinking about reconciliation with her.

But someone hit it the nail on the head about me...I am a softy I suppose. I do believe in love & marriage.

I think I am one of those that believes that he has to have someone in order to be happy....and maybe in this case, someone that is all wrong for him.

I guess I have a fear of being alone.
My wife now & ex-wife felt this way too I guess, since they had someone on the back burner.

part of me feels like I should go reach out to her & tell her that everything will be ok. I know this sounds crazy.

My mother feels that if my wife had the money, that she would have left already & got on an airplane to go see this guy.
Its just that she doesnt have the money, so she is stuck here.

Right now from what she has told me, she is not talking with her parents at all.

Yes I met her about 4 months after my divorce was final.


Yes I think you, like my family has said, are right...I feel that I need someone in my life to be happy. I miss getting hugs ,kisses, going places together...I miss being around someone that likes to be around me.


Yes, my family & her family know everything that has gone on. They have read the transcripts of her conversations with this other guy.

Oh you aren't a softy because you want someone in your life. That's what we all want.

But someone who makes you happy LONG TERM is essential. Pretty much anybody can make us happy SHORT term with a couple of needs, etc like affection.

Dr H says we should date at least 30 people before marriage in order to choose someone intelligently from a wide enough group of candidates. I know you have implied you are somewhat introverted, but that's OK. There are at least 30 introverted women out there who would despise an extroverted BF. You could be one of their 30 dates and vice versa. Dr H says if we date 30 people in a year we will find our ideal match.

I stress this because you are clinging to this WW as though she is your only chance of getting ENs met in future. She isn't. She's an option, and following her adultery a highly disposable one.



There are other people that will like to be around you!

I'm glad you waited until you were divorced. I would also say wait until you are also happy. Make a fulfilling single life. Friends and fun - and definitely going places! If you date while your wounds are bleeding you will only attract vultures.

I suspect your WW is a vulture who picked you up because she felt she could cheat on you if she caught you in your weakened state.



Oh I do. You have a lovebank for her and they aren't imaginary things. There's no off button.

But if you were to go into Plan B you could close that lovebank and distance yourself. Divorce hurts less after Plan B. I had a massive LB for my husband and it is virtually all gone. My D is nearly final and I am VERY happy!



I am so glad. You will need their support for the hard work to heal yourself in the months ahead.

I guess recently I just wanted to be with her even if she didn't meet my emotional needs....I know that sounds crazy.


I've never said anything negative in front of anyone, but here it goes:


We haven't been intimate in say 2-3 months. She told me that she has been on & off her cycle. Which could be the truth, since she told me this sometime in March or so. And she did go by the doctor & get meds to help her cycle.

Our house is messy, which is a big issue for me...she leaves dirty dishes by the couch & coffee table. She'll leave stuff like that for days, sometimes weeks.
I've found dirty glasses & bowls by her bed. Empty wine glasses can sit for days on the coffee table. Our dining room table has mail on it & some of her personal work papers. She won't clean up after her cats when they have an hair ball accident. (She had 2 cats when we met).

When we go out to a restaurant, you'd think she was a food critic. We went to a new independently owned BBQ place in town for lunch one time. After we got the food, she complained that the food was not hot or whatever, who knows. She refused to eat at all. I inhaled all my food so that we could go somewhere else in order for her to get some food that she could eat.

One time I took her to a Blues Club in town that has live music acts...she complained that she didnt want to be there at all. It was like being with a spoiled 13 year old...she pouted till I took her home.

We went to New Orleans last year for Halloween. We bought costumes so that we could walk down Bourbon Street. I'd never been before. She had. Well, the rest of her friends didnt have full costumes like we had, so she felt a little out of place. When we stopped in to see some live music at one of the bars, she didnt care for it. But her friends were into it. Well she sulked in the corner until we left. I think I remember that she was crying a little as well. One of her friends asked me what was wrong...I told her that she was pouting..lol

I think you would heal very quickly in Plan B.

Quite simply you aren't getting anything out of this marriage.

Prepare for it by clicking the link in my signature.

Give her a chance to get on board, with MB conditions if you like. We can advise you on what conditions to demand.

But get Plan B lined up correctly. You may need to enter it quickly.

I think I did a partial plan 'B'...
I emailed her this:



_____,

I wanted you to know by me writing this that I am committed to trying to save our relationship as much as possible. I do love & care for you very much. I want to come home & be with you very much. You do not have to respond to this, I just wanted to send this to you to show you that I care very much.

I know that you are upset that I have exposed this to others, but I felt that it was the best course of action. I really felt that this was needed so that you could see that ending this outside relationship was the only way to go. I knew if we kept it all secret, that meant that you could continue contact with him & that you would eventually go down to meet him. My goal is to try to stop this however I can.

One of my marriage books talks about how to do this exposing. It says that �the more people who know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it's far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.� This is what I took to heart & tried to implement in order to save us. Helping keep this a secret would just enable the addiction and prolong the agony. In no way did I do this in order to hurt or damage you. It was not meant as revenge or to damage how others see you. I was just hoping someone could help us other than just myself.
I regret letting anyone know the details, but no one would have believed me if I didn�t. I am not sure who knew before Sunday, but I tend to think that they would have just thought I was a crazy husband that could not accept the fact that we were falling apart.

I also really think that if your mom didn�t know what was going on & the details about it, that you would have no incentive to end this outside relationship. Many feel that the people you have respect for, in this case your mom (a wise person in our lives), should know what is going on.

You gave me every indication that you were not going to cease contact with this other person when I first confronted you. I asked you to end it with him & I did not get a response. I wanted you to at least tell me that you would end it & then we could have talked about what our next step would be.
Over the course of Sunday to Tuesday night, I waited for you to tell me that you have ended it. I was in agony during this time. I knew then that this needed more exposure so that you could see that ending this with him was the best thing to do.

The one thing that I am asking you now to do now is to end and cease all contact with this other person. I am pleading with you to do this. We can then start to talk, possibly repair what has happened & move on with our lives with a fresh start. I know we can do this. Freedom from all this can be gotten. I know we can get forgiveness & love. So don't worry about that.

I also really think that resuming contact with your mom could help you as well. She wants to help you so much. You are her child & she loves you very much. She wants you to be safe too.
You are not a bad person or evil as you have put it. I know the Susan that is inside you and that person is kind & loving person. The one I really love & care about. My heart is soft & tender for that person. You are still that same person.

I now know that I have not met your most important emotional needs & that it is the reason why you are unhappy. I apologize for that. I also know that we had talked in the past about what you wanted in order for you to feel happy. But to be honest, I really just didn�t understand what I needed to do in order for you reach happiness. I am sorry for my ignorance in that respect.

But I�d like to be given at least the chance to see what those needs are & how I could go about meeting them. That�s all I ask. Now that I understand some of what has happened, I believe that you desire conversation and affection. I wished I had been providing these to you all along. I know that I can learn what those needs are & then try to meet them for you.

Below is what is called a no-contact letter that others have used in similar circumstances. Please send this to the other person & we can continue with any healing that we potentially can have.

I truly love you. I want us to heal from all this & I know that we can. I want to come home very much. I miss being there with you. I know you were concerned about forgiveness, but I know we can get this.

Forgiveness will happen, you have nothing to worry about this. I also really believe that a relationship with God is the only way now. That is something I want to work on. If you want this too, please let me know�I want to do this with you. We need God in our lives. I do this because I love & care for you. I have an open heart & arms waiting for you.
Love, jeff

------------------------------
Dear ____,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best wife that he deserves and he to be the best husband that I deserve.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

Her response was basically that she needs time to process this all since she has been on a roller coaster.
That she doesn't know what to do right now.

Any advice on what I should do now?

No that is not Plan B. It is Plan A. Plan A is where you negotiate with the WS to end the A. Your letter is pure Plan A.

Plan B is solely for your protection and healing. It means she will not be able to contact you directly and you will not even hear any direct news about her. You will need to ask a level headed friend to be an intermediary to prevent direct contact.


Translation: I don't wanna and you can't make me.

She thinks you won't take action.



Read the link in my sig and get legal advice in preparation for Plan B.

Then come back here for further advice.

Jeff, with all due respect, she knows exactly what she wants to do, but with your exposure she can't figure out how to do it. Her devious little secrets have been exposed for the world to see, and she can't figure out how to continue her way of life now that she is under a microscope. That's her only roller coaster. It has nothing to do with her "feelings" for you. It has only to do with her way of life being brought to the light of day. At the risk of sounding really insensitive, she sounds like a textbook narcissist. All about her, and her only.

I truly do wish it was a different scenario, and there was something there to work on, but with no kids and a history of this kind of blatant behavior, I can't imagine why you would want to try and work on things. You can bet on this; even if you were able to bust this one up, you can take it to the bank that it will happen again and you'll find yourself right back here saying, "Well, you guys were right".

Why would you want to subject yourself to this mess again when there are SO many women out there worthy of you?

So sorry you find yourself here, but be glad you are under the circumstances.

Oh my, I read the Plan B.... I am really hesitant about cutting off all contact with her.

My first thought is to not initiate any contact with her.
And let her do all the contacting.

I want to give her every chance to come back, I don't want to push her away at all.

I don't want to mention the word separation to her..
She did ask me this earlier this week..."are we separated or more than this.."

I told her at the time, that I was unsure & that I needed time to think.

-------------

There is something that I would really like to know from everyone reading my situation.

Would you stay & try to work this out?

Or would you just go ahead & cut your losses...and leave her?

I'd like to know why for each case.

I know that everyone is an individual & has different reasoning, but hearing people state their opinions, helps me see a perspective on life.

Yes I can see that she can be a narcissist. It has been all about her. After I exposed she was so worried about who might know...that her mom now thinks of her differently....that her friends will know what is going on....

And yes, my mother & aunt have stated the same thing about me wanting to put up with this mess. I guess deep down, I feel it will be hard to find someone that wants a man that has been married...twice...its even hard for me to type that.