Gonna go out on a limb here. Maybe the vets will come and cut the limb, so it's OK
First of all welcome to MB loveher. This place is a tough place to be for a while, but much good toughlove is here

First of all, I understand about trying to walk in thier shoes, but I warn people about "feeling", or trying to "understand", what "they are going through"

It hurts you also to give too much credit to them as they have pushed you aside for their own selfishness.

Just be careful of what you are willing to allow that's all I'm saying for the waywards treatment of you. If they respected you and felt your heart was something they should have protected, the old adage,"If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it!" , rings true every time.

Now if they stop the behavior, in time before you jump ship, you can think about forgiveness, but that is your choice at that time, not before they repent.

Don't forget that they didn't respect your heart an intentions, no matter how much you screwed up personally. They stomped on the rules for trust in that relationship they swore to uphold to all things good and holy.

You were worth that respect

Dr H has helped many repair their damaged relationships through the reality of the application of Love and it's application.

Let's not try and change the meaning of Love to fit the waywards world and thier viewpoint, that's what started this whole mess do begin with don't you agree?

Is there anything at all to let him know I am still working hard on my recovery too? I don't want him to think I am looking for a way to pick things back up with OM and I am sure that is where his thoughts will go first.

I have offered to remain transparent in my actions to him. Should I be looking to a female friend or the board to help with accountability? I don't know what would be best if I am to maintain distance for the sake of my BH and his recovery.

Can you get an Intermediate, or an IM as it is called here?

There are rules and tricks to being an IM..Read the threads dedicated to them, it saves so much hassle

Do I need one? I mean I am the one who had the A and I am not trying to defend myself or my actions here. Do I need to shield myself? I still want to remain open... somehow.

I have no problem with keeping some sort of communication with him and he seems to want to hear everything I have to say. I don't want to make this about him and his addiction when I am still trying to accept what I have done. I am a long way from better/recovered.

Here is the thing as I see it
Yes you made matters worse by having the A, but if you bounce back and go into I'm sorry it's all my fault mode, it is less than honest

In my case my wife had both drinking and infidelity years before I left her for it, but I allowed for the infidelity because she drank

It gets complicated ad you sort this out, and he has some issues to deal with also

What I don't want is for you to try and handle it and take the blame for everything, although you do have to take the blame for the adultry

So an IM or at least a referree should be involved because you both are in the position to hurt each other

It doesn't matter who did what first, you both screwed up and need to own what you did

I don't think he is ready either, neither of you are, not without help and a plan set out for recovery

Therefore you need a professional and someone that can help bridge the difference.

Someone who can tell him you are working on the right things, and insure he is also, without all the emotion baggage in tow and blocking your thinking.

You are likely to take all the blame for everything, and ignore his behavior so you might have a false recovery. One where very important emotional issues are ignored

You don't want that believe me

I found a meeting I can go to tomorrow evening. I am really overwhelmed by the urge to rush in and try to fix everything. I will have to think about who I can trust to be an effective IM. The way you have reframed things for me was again very helpful.

This is a huge mess I am in. Wow.

Take your time you have a very long road ahead of you. I will give you the same heartfelt advice that was given to me, work on cleaning up your side of the street. I know you want to help your H but he has to be willing to help himself. Trying to work on yourself and him can be overwhelming and might put you over the edge.

I am in no way saying to give up on him but don't push it if he is not willing to work on himself. Learn who you are and what you want to change about yourself. You are in a great place with this site and seem to be un a great place to really work on yourself.

HouseElf, I'm curious about one thing and I apologize if this has been asked, answered and I missed it. Has your BH always been a massive drinker, or was your affair the catalyst of his drinking himself into oblivion (your words) most nights?

Personal experience begs me to ask this question, because I like to have a few beers or scotches myself. But when my last, uh, episode happened I drank myself into oblivion as well trying anything to dull the immense pain with which I was dealing. Well, it didn't help. I still had infidelity to deal with, and had to do it with day after day hangovers. Not a good solution to an emotional trauma, even though it seemed like a good idea at the time.

His primary issue was and continues to be opiate painkillers. The alcohol use has been episodic, sometimes it was related to marital strife. But often it wasn't. For our entire six years it has been an off and on problem.

On just the painkillers he would mostly just ignore/neglect me in our interactions. He spent a lot of time away from our home, sometimes days to get high with his friends in a city two hours away. There was a period of time a few years ago he was taking pills hand over fist. It led to me making lots of threats and demands and he was scared clean for awhile.

They crept back in. Then the drinking did too and then he started this casino thing out of the thin blue air this year.

Since the A he went on a terrifying bender. He discolsed to me that shortly after the A he started using heroin and taking whatever drugs he could because he no longer cared if he lived or died. His behavior became very erratic and not him and his words were just.... well the must hurtful things I haveever heard in my life.

It is hard to not beat myself up daily for the dramatic increase of all of the drinking and drugging. When we would talk about the A,I couldn't tell if he was wounded, insane, or just blasted on assorted substances. I really cannot tell when he is on what anymore.

He seems to be slowing down on the drug use and has been a lot calmer since I moved back into my fathers home. But I can't verify it.

You can only fix your side of the fence. Your BH will have to clean his side with the drugs and alcohol abuse. When you were dating and married him, were you aware of his addiction issues or did you brush them off as to say, if he loved me he would stop or that you could help him?

I think I was pretty blind to signs that may have been tell-tale to others. I come from a family where nobody even drinks, prior to H I had no experience with addicts at all.

I was very enchanted by my H and his good looks, his endless charm and his rock and roll lifestyle. I jumped in with both feet never looking.

I was never a partier or heavy drinker myself. I discovered the norcos first when I was lovingly packing his bag for a weekend away. I asked him about them and he pretty minimized both their impact and the amount of pills he was taking. I even took them with him a few times... trying to wrap my head around it and figure it all out. I went as far as obtaining them for him! Yes, I made drug deals for my H. He was much more darling on them then he was off of them.

I thought he would grow out of it... or wake up to the fantastic woman who was waiting for him at home.

OM definitely took that angle with me... and it felt nice to be told I was fantastic and H was effing up something "other men would blablabla etc."

I fell like ahouse of cards. There are quite a few disgusting things I have done. Telling the truth has been a balm for my aching heart. I've told so many lies.. so many.

H didn't have to tell my parents or my dearest friends. Once it was out of the bag, I confessed to all of them. Even to my wonderful,flawless, saintlike father I confessed. It was such a relief. I apologized to h's parents. I need to get all of this out of me. I have been carrying so much crap around for so long.

(House)

Stick around.

Yeah, I was there as well....hoping, praying.....that will not fix his problem.....and you cannot fix his problem.

And as Surfer said......stick around.

Thank you ...words really can not express the gratitude I have for the kindness of strangers right now.

Tomorrow is another day...(((HouseElff))))). Get some sleep. There is an unusual army around you that you can't "see". Let tomorrow come in 8 or 9 hours versus 3 or 4.

I would encourage you to attend an AlAnon meeting so you can learn to emotionally disconnect from your husband and not be co dependent on him.

If you are able to do so, and ready to do so, divorce will be your best option.

But you need to focus on yourself and AlAnon can teach you how to do that

I do not want to consider divorce unless there is no other option and all others have been tried with everything I have. I understand that addiction is a big deal and I am eager to try AlAnon. My brain has been quite addled for a quite a long time trying to figue out everything on my own. I will admit readily that dealing with his addiction has left me in a weakened state. And I agree I am co-dependant.

I do not want to make this just about him and his issues. I am the one who went outside of the marriage, I am the one who has cheated and lied and betrayed the love of my life. It is important to me to honestly work through what I have done too. I know much of this was tied to my self-esteem. It was all about not being 'good enough' for me. If I was good enough he would sleep with me, If I was good enough he wouldn't take off with no warning in the middle of the week leaving me confused. If I was good enough he would reach out to me, talk to me, demonstrate to me that he still loved me.... somehow. And yes, if I was good enough he would quit using.

I'm pretty sure this is what happens with co-dependant thinking.. .yes? I drove myself nuts. I was a confident woman once. I was used to knowing what my gifts were and what I had to offer. Everything has changed now. I could fake it for a long time. Now I can't. I don't want another man to even look at me again. I am truly broken over what I have done. Disgusted. I feel like I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. Looking back, OM wasn't even attractive to me, we had nothing in common other than our mutual hatred of drugs and alcohol. I did feel safe though and adored. It was a big deal to me.

You cannot work on your marriage while the drug and alcohol addiction is active. That is his mess to clean up not yours. Do not take on trying to fix him, you cannot. Believe me, i sure as heck tried to fix/help/enable my WS.

Your affair is your mess...that is what i mean by your side of the fence.

So individual therapy and AlAnon for me? No compensation for him? It feels like I have been given a get out of jail free card and I don't like it. At all.

It feels so... selfish. "Hey honey, now that I have hurt you in the worst way possible I want to put that aside because your addiction is a problem."

Essentially that is what I am going to be doing...right?