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We are done till the poly no more post from me I was wondering, do you ever drink alcohol while posting here?
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Hello there. I decided to respond on your thread in instead of your wife's.
I know that it all seems so difficult and all jumbled up. But, let me tell you coming clean with your wife because you value her, your life with her, your marriage, your children, will be the absolute best thing you can do. I know you fear coming clean, but know this: she has already imaged the worst.
You need to immediately tell her EVERYTHING!! You also need to make a committment to yourself that you are going to be a better man and husband. I don't care how she didn't meet your needs, you can't do the things you have done. It was your job to teach her/tell her what your needs were and how she could meet them. Turning outside of the marriage/drinking/doing drugs or any other destructive choice is NEVER going to help the relationship/marriage. Those things are SELFISH responses. You can NEVER do that to your spouse!! NEVER!!!!
When you read that you need to man-up, that is what you need to do. It doesn't matter how scared you are to do so, you are an adult, a husband, a father. You have to man-up and do the right thing by your wife. Quit making excuses and coming up with reasons. Just do it!!!
BTW, it will mean more to her if you come completely clean before the poly.
Grow up TheJerk. GROW UP!!!! Do the right thing by your vows, your family. Quit letting your selfishness and your fears guide your life choices. Be better than that!!!
Last edited by Littlebit3; 07/20/12 10:18 PM.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Hello TJ. I saw on your wife's thread that you admitted some big things. I know that had to be huge for you. I am so glad you did it. Nothing is as freeing as the truth. It is the beginning to setting you free from your prison of pain. You had horribe things happen to you. Get help, overcome them, be who God meant for you to be. I know it sounds unimaginable, but YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS!!!! It won't be easy. It will take a lot of hard work, but don't you want to be the best man you can be? You don't want this stuff controlling you anymore. Get help! Get well!!!
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Well I did it all the true how many time with each and wrote it on paper.Hope this help her I want to make this work so ever bad can some tell what the did before there poly and how many times they did not come clean before the poly help
Wife's text at my writeing it down
Thanks for the generic timeline with no time order and no details! yoy are going to fail that poly because you are incapable of being honest!!!!! In a one month time you've done more damage than I can overcome. You truly are a [censored] up. God help me what did I do 13 years ago?
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It was over two years ago time dates are not in my head what to do
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I don't know exactly how to answer you. The pros can do it much better. But, I will give you a little to think about.
1. Just continue to figure out exctly when. Think about what was going on at the time that might help you remember. Tell her EVERYTHING!!!!
2. Keep working on yourself. You need to get profesional help to overcome your pain and issues. You HAVE to do this b/c these behaviors/choices you have been making will kill ANY relationship you are in. You have children. You have to work on getting yourself to a healthy place. The worst has already happened to you. Work on letting it go so it doesn't control you anymore!!
Your wife has been devastated. I can't speak for her. I do know that you are going to have your time filled with getting the help you need and working on the healing process. You really cannot be the husband your wife needs you to be in the state you are in.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I think plan b need to be set at this what do you guys think till the poly
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And till I can get help she has taking too much of a beating
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It was over two years ago time dates are not in my head what to do GEt out a calender and figure it out. Stick with it until you get it right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think plan b need to be set at this what do you guys think till the poly Let that be her decision. Plan B is for her, not you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And till I can get help she has taking too much of a beating Until you can get help for what?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Plan B is her decision. If she chooses Plan B, then you probably need to stay in plan B until....... Until you are healthy. Until she says different. You really don't have much to give in the phychological trauma you are in right now. There is no absolute that you will ever be good for her. I am sorry to be blunt, but that is just the reality!!! You have a lot of work to do. Get to it!!!!!
MelodyLane is right, get out a calender, think of all that was going on, events that could trigger dates and figure it out. Write it all down.
I am glad that you are still posting here asking questions. That is a beginning step. You have a whole new life to gain by being open and honest.
Last edited by Littlebit3; 07/21/12 11:05 PM.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Littlebit, he is the WAYWARD. Plan B is for the BS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She need her time away from me going to Talk to my pastor tomarrow to find me help.I am at me and my wife's friends house. She wanted me to go so she can think.She told me to go to plan B She said I am sick get help.She pointed me to a place with people that have the same problem.I had the word is had a bother that had stuff also done to him as a kid. By the same person that did it to me.then my brother both did it to me.My wife new what happen to my bother he told her.My wife told me today about it.he was in to men sex and three some and got pay for his services sometime depending on the people.He was in to drugs and aclooh.He never found help. He O.D. at a young age.He was sick.no more I has to end this cure here. Mom and Dad uncles and other family member have other done it or had it happen to them.My family had secret they covered it up mwith lies.I am so messed up.Now you all no. Hope you guy think about this.then say that something is wrong with me.thanks for listening.
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.I had the word is had a bother that had stuff also done to him as a kid. By the same person that did it to me.then my brother both did it to me. What a load of crap. Your present problems have nothing to do with your childhood. But you sure would like your wife to believe that, wouldn't you? That way you can avoid taking the necessary steps TODAY to stop your affairs. You need to focus on the PRESENT and leave the past in the past. Stop running from the problems.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your brother was VERY sick. Can you see that you are too? Look at how you handled everything. The destructive coping mechanisms that you created destroyed you, your wife and your family. Can you see that?
Your family covered up many, many lies. Uncover them!!!! There is no shame in that!! It was done to you by SICK people. You were an innocent child. Now, you are an adult, and have to be held to a higher standard. Hiding behind your family's lies, not being strong, making horrible choices in coping with your pain instead of getting help, is part of what helped to create this mess in the first place.
NO MORE LIES! We all now know, and we are going to try to help you, urge you to change, be better. That isn't so bad now, is it? The pros here are going to nail your excuses and behaviors to the wall, but it is to HELP you. Don't run away. Face it, change it.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client. In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy. here"Some counselors think it's a good idea to "resolve issues of the past" by talking about them week after week, month after month, year after year. It keeps these counselors in business, but does nothing to resolve the issue. In fact, it usually makes their poor clients chronically depressed.
My experience as a Clinical Psychologist has proven to me that dredging up unpleasant experiences of the past merely brings the unhappiness of the past into the present. The problems of the present are difficult enough to solve without spending time and energy trying to resolve issues of the past, which are essentially unresolvable. You can make your future happy, but you can't do a thing about bad experiences of the past, except think and talk about them -- and that makes the bad experiences of the past, bad experiences of the present." Dr. Willard Harley An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.
Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.
I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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littlebit, this is a con game to avoid facing the consequences and start working on his marriage. It is another one of his con games. He is cornered like a rat so he is hoping to avoid all this by playing the "I had a poor childhood" card.
It is a con game.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane, I know you are right. It is a sad reality. I also had the experience of knowing someone almost my whole life who was sexually abused as a child, and it really screwed them up. There is no way my friend would have been able to have a heathy relationship with anyone after having suffered 12 years of sexual abuse by more than one family member having not received any psychological help. The other person I knew that had suffered sexual abuse and didn't receive help, couldn't deal with the pain, wouldn't have been able to have a healthy relationship and didn't make it far into adulthood. So, I responded to that.
Last edited by Littlebit3; 07/22/12 12:27 AM.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I think its cute and winsome to talk about ones childhood but it has nothing to do with adult behavior and has no place here. We don't need to validate his wild goose chase with horror stories about people who were abused. Most people WERE abused as children, it has nothing to do with adult behavior.
This is a distraction that needs to be discouraged, not validated. This mans wife is on the verge of an emotional breakdown so it is unhelpful to encourage this man with this foolishness.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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