Hi - I have lurked/read off and on Marriage Builders for over 5 years. I believe the people on these forums do a great service in helping folks and just want to say thanks in advance for any advice or comfort provided.

My hubby and I own the books and the workbooks. We both have read through the Basic Concepts more than once but we have not been faithful practitioners I'm afraid. We never did the workbooks. There are a few reason for that but I think most can be summed up to bad habits that are slow in changing. We have also frequented two different marriage councilors in the past few years. Lately things have deteriorated and I feel like I need more help then passive reading is providing so am posting here.

Brief biography of us - This is a second marriage for both of us and we are working on 8 years. I was single for 3 years before I met my hubby. He was freshly divorced. We tried to have children but ended up with two miscarriages (age related). I grieved and feel that I moved on from that. His big life goal was to retire early which was recently achieved. When we have fights they are emotionally draining. I don't think I have ever cried so much as I have in the last 8 years. My personality is the more outgoing, impatient, say what I'm thinking. He is a lot more closed, emotionless, and likes a more mellow approach. Right now our lives are filled with a bit of stress and uncertainty about the future. He does not know what he wants any more. I do know what I want. Physically we share a healthy diet and are in good shape.

Some of our biggest challenges, themes, arguments over the years are as follows:

For Him

1. His friends are very important to him. I do not care for some of them as much. Some of them were rude to me when he and I were dating. He laughs the behavior off and says I do not understand them very well. Early in our relationship he placed them as a priority over me which set the tone. We have argued over these people for 8 years. We do all of the work to stay in touch with them. We do not live in the same city as they do right now but we visit them at least a couple of times per year. There are about 10 of them from his college days including spouses. One of the decisions we are faced with is he would like to move closer to these friends. I think we both understand what a marriage builder answer would be to what to do about this issue but it is still very difficult. He keeps saying he is willing to find friends we both enjoy but I think finding friends is pretty hard especially for him. I do not want to be the source of his resentment should he give these friends up. He is tired of the arguing about whether we should continue to see them. He generally has an all/nothing approach to problem solving and says he is willing to ditch them.

2. He is completely addicted online/computer activities. I tolerate a fair amount of him being on FB, Reddit, playing online games but he is excessive. When he was working he would take a long lunch break and use it for these activities. Once he got home from work on most days he would spend time in front of the computer in some form or fashion if I didn't ask to do something else with him. He says he can not enjoy something unless he can totally immerse himself in it. He thinks I cause him a great deal of anxiety because he doesn't feel free to do what he wants without a discussion with me.

3. Lack of affection has always been a problem and has evolved into infrequent sex these days. I just don't think he is that interested any more.

There are some minor things as well but those three are the biggies that fuel the fights or bad feelings.

For my part

1. Angry Outbursts were my biggest challenge. In part they were due to some pretty bad hormonal changes which I have worked on with my doctor over the years. It is not always perfect but it is much improved. But I also came from a family of screamers. He came from a dad with a PHd in Child Psychology and he barely raises his voice.

2. He says I do not give him enough alone time. I do not understand this because he spends so much time doing what he wants. I have asked him to specify what he means and he says he wants to feel the freedom to do whatever he wants. He was recently given some advice by one of his friends that just got divorced that the secret to a happy marriage for the guy is to get more alone time. Now I hear him saying this a lot. This is what scares me the most with regard to our marriage. I will need to read through the forums here to see if others have a situation like this.

3. I have some difficulty with POJA. He is a master negotiator and the sessions discussing things with him are exhausting. I haven't had much luck negotiating some of the big issues at all where I feel we both are reasonably satisfied.

4. I think he thinks I put too many chores on him to do. I really hate this role of taking the initiative for the chores but I will end up doing them alone if I do not ask for help and I end up getting pretty sore about it. Right now we have a lot to do as we are trying to sell houses. He gets very depressed when I mention something that needs to be done. Usually it is something that requires both of us.

I think we both are guilty of engaging in DJ. I am ready to reread all of the Basic Concepts and I think he will be too. I feel like every time we read them things settle down. What I do not understand is why they are not sticking in our soul?

Thanks for Reading!

Welcome to MB or welcome back.

Please listen to this clip on complaining and tell us what you think.
Radio clip on complaining

Also do you have the book Love Busters?

BrainHurts - Thanks for pointing out the clip. Emotionally it resonated. It totally hits the nail on the head. I have not heard any validation from my point of view in a long time so I really appreciate this. I'm going to give it another listen after some more sleep and when I don't feel so teary eyed here.

DH is willing to read through this material with me. Is it disrespectful to point out something like this to him?

"Look at this when you have a chance and tell me what you think. I recently saw this on MB, and it sure helped me to approach things in a new way. This opened up my mind about how we can work together to improve our M and really love on each other. Once you've listened to it, I am open to a discussion, if you'd like. (add a compliment) Isn't it fantastic that you and I are on this journey together! Amazing how much more attracted I am to you since we started doing this MB stuff."

If you find anything disrespectful in that approach, let me know!