I asked my DH today if he was really at work when he said he was and he became very upset and very hurt and angry that I asked this. He doesnt normally have to work weekends but out of the blue he said he had to work. Then he also said he was going golfing tommorrow too. I am positive he isnt seeing anyone else but I asked anyway. Now I regret it and he is hurt and mad at me and thinks I dont trust him. Some of you know my situation and this isnt helping any. I told him I am sorry and I didnt mean to hurt him with asking that question and that I do trust him. I dont know why I asked it. What now?

This is why you snoop instead of asking questions. You don't know why you asked it?

Slap a GPS on his car and a VAR inside it.

Tell him OT and golf come after UA is filled. If he has no time for UA, he has no time for OT and golf. Period.

Are you treating your depression yet?

The best defense is a great offense. His reaction should make you very suspicious. I hope you start snooping like a bloodhound.

I agree. I would "happen" by the golf course today and see if the car is there.

AM

You have said repeatedly that you guys have NO time to spend together yet he works overtime and then has time for golf on weekends that presumably, you are not invited to? Then he gets mad when you express concern that things don't seem right?

Hopeless, there is a big red flag smacking you in the face!

this is the first time he has golfed in a month people. just because you all had spouses that cheated on your doesnt mean mine is. also this is the first time he worked overtime on a weekend in probably a year. i was just curious to see what he would say. he showed my his texted from his friend that he was golfing with. he even posted on FB that he was at the golf course. even if he invited me to golf I wouldnt go. we have nobody to watch the kids and its 100 degrees outside. also he didnt drive,his friend picked him up.

my depression is better now that I have a job and we are working my marriage. its very circumstantial depression.

I am looking for support,not criticism and jumping to conclusions from you people. I know many of you have been cheated on but that doesnt mean every one does it and you should assume that is the problem.

My marriage has not suffered from adultery. This is the MB 101 section- problems generally unrelated to adultery.

One does not need to be a victim of adultery to see that it is not normal for a man to freak out when his wife is genuinely curious as to whether or not he was actually at work.

You are gaslighting YOURSELF here. You thought something was "off", you got yelled at by him, you asked US, we told you things weren't right, now you're trying to tell yourself that we're all just jumping to conclusions because you don't like the answer.

Hopeless, I get that your marriage is in serious trouble but I also get the impression that you don't really want to follow any MB advice to help fix it. So, how can we "support" you if you refuse to believe in or follow even the basic principles of MB?

You said in a previous thread that you have to fight him to spend 5 minutes with you, so why are you trying to say it's okay that he has time to golf all day with a buddy??? I certainly DO believe he is golfing, like you, but he has NO TIME to golf when his wife apparently hates him and wants to leave him, like you've said before.

Your marriage will NOT improve until you both start making drastic changes. Are you willing to do that? Or are you going to complain till the cows come home without getting into "uncomfortable" territory??

I know my post will probably anger you, but MB is about ACTION not WORDS. WORDS don't fix things.

Not all of us have spouses who have cheated on us. Thank you.

You are not forced to ask for advice, read that advice, or follow that advice.

But I must ask: Why are you here? You have argued with everything anybody has told you. You don't want to verify that your husband is faithful? That's ok. You don't want to spend 15 hours UA time with him? Fine. But why are you here? This is what we do here. We're NOT going to change it simply because you show up and chew us out. Know why? IT WORKS.

But no one is gonna twist your arm.

This is the correct advice. After all, anyone can lie when you ask a question.

If you checked up on him to see if he is telling the truth, and found out that he was, every time, you would eventually be full of a feeling of trust.

you all sure know how to make people feel welcome here. Thanks.

sorry I am not up to your standards of doing everything the "right" way the first time. Can you all tell me that when you discovered your marriage was about over this was the first thing you did and did it immediatly? I cant believe none of you had any problems getting started and were perfect the first time and every time.

I came here because this is my last resort. I am doing this alone and its hard to come and ask for advice and have people tell me what they think my husband is doing when they know nothing about me or him or our situation or history but what little I have provided. Give me the benefit of the doubt please and try to be patient and not accusatory of my faults. I am only human and doing the best I can with what I have.

Suggestion: spend less time defending yourself and more time listening.

huh? What a crazy response.. Obviously you are questioning his activities or you wouldn't have asked him. The obvious solution is to check out what he is doing since his reaction is very suspicious. One does not have to have been cheated on to see that; it is just simple common sense. Common sense is not exclusive to adultlery victims.

If you are going to be rude and defensive when people try to help you, folks will stop helping you. We all have families and careers and don't have to post to you. Especially when you are snotty and ungrateful.

Why not take the money he spent on playing golf and hire a babysitter? You complain about how you can't get any UA time and this is exactly why. People who are serious manage to find the time. If he can find the time and money to play golf, you CAN find the time and money to hire a sitter and go out.

In your first post, you said you did not know why you asked the question. Reflect on that. There is some reason you asked. Gut feelings are frequently true. Why do you think you asked?

Mel is right. You have money and time to spend together. Yet you choose to do different things. The marriage is not the top priority here.

AM

hopelesss, you don't understand the things to look for when a spouse is having an affair, which is why you don't see what we see. A spouse who has nothing to hide does not get angry when his spouse asks questions like this. You couldn't have possibly "hurt" him. He took your anxiety and turned it back on you. THAT is a classic sign of a cheating spouse.

Dr. Harley describes your husband's outraged reaction in his article, Coping with Infidelity [keep in mind that Dr Harley is not a victim of adultery - he just has common sense and long experience with adultery]:

here

Does that about sum up your husband's reaction? I would say it does...

Hey hopelessinTX. As I read your thread, I keep finding myself thinking of MY life, my marriage, my H's excuses why he can do everything he wants to, but not spend time with me. I am actually thinking of the time BEFORE he ever had an affair. The reason I say this is b/c you have to let yourself see the bigger picture. You can't make him want to spend time with you, or spend time with you. The big question here then is, "Why woudn't he?" Marriages have their ups and downs but he is disconnected and that is VERY DANGEROUS TERRITORY. That is when He doesn't care about ANY extrordinary precautions. You don't have to be a member of Marriage Builders to have at least some of those values of your own. It is not normal to not want to spend qulity time with your spouse. I know you get that, So, how do you get him to see the distance and disconnect and the absence of having a healthy marriage? There is no harm in snooping for your own piece of mind. Something looks suspicious, even if it is unhappiness in life/marriage and not an affair as you think it is. I don't think it is as innocent as apple pie. He knows that he is not spending quality time with you. So, when anyone would ask a question like that, the faithful spouse would be understanding as he knows he is not giving enough attention to the marriage and that is why you are asking. Faithul spouses wouldn't have a problem with showing you their phone or anything b/c they "get" the fact that you are asking valid questions based on how he is spending his time and not spending enough with you.

As I read around this forum more, I see where I didn't meet my H's emotional needs and love busted with the best of 'em. That'll do the trick. They'll disconnect!! All it takes is some sweet cute thang to come along and make them "feel alive."

Can you get him to take the Emotional Needs Questionaire? Tell him he HAS to sit down and spend some time reading HNHN or something together or your marriage won't last. It is easier for him to avoid the hard work to fix it. But that won't last long. He will not be happy with that arrangement for very long. Neither will you!!

Sorry to go on and on. Believe me, if you don't do something NOW to get him to see that something is wrong in your marriage, it WILL NOT get better. It only get's worse if both of you are not putting the time and effort into making it and keeping your marriage happy. Don't do what I did. I didn't fight to fix my marriage, and he had at least two affairs.

I know these responses are hurting you. Anger covers over pain. That is what I am seeing from you. You don't truly know that he ISN'T having an affair. My husband carried on for years, while acting pretty normal at home. I didn't see a problem with his lack of transparency either!!! Boy, was there a BIG reason!! He was cheating!!!!! Don't hide from this. It won't do you any favors to do that. Be on top of things. That way you are in the drivers seat.

Well Hopeless, I don't know what advice to offer you if you are not willing to listen to or follow any MB principles.

I am not here as a victim/perpetrator of adultery. I came here originally to help balance UA time and our two very young children (2 under 2). So far, it has helped immensely, even with a kick in the bum from a few good posters and they know who they are.

With UA time, particularly those with children, it is pretty much always a matter of having the time and resources but refusing to allocate them. A man who can afford to golf all day without his wife yet cannot hire a babysitter to spend that time with his wife. A relationship where a wife must fight with him for 5 MINUTES of a timed "UA" time or whatever.

It doesn't make sense (well, it does - it is called refusing to make UA time). You can kick & scream & fight us all you want, but at the end of the day, you've been here about a month now and still getting angry with us for pointing out that you guys are wasting your UA time opportunities here & there and everywhere.

We're not going to fix your clock for you, that's for you to do. If your husband would rather spend money on golf away from you then hire a babysitter and spend 2 hours holding hands with his wife, then surely you can see that it is a marriage that is going down the toilet at a rapid rate.

So, do you actually want to help your marriage? Or do you want to continue to ENABLE it to limp along and die in a corner?

Thank you for all your help. I appreciate your time.

I know I will get slammed for this but like I said before he golfs like once a month if even that and he just happened to work this weekend to. He works on a weekend like once a year and never works late during the week.

You all are positive he is having an affair but I still question how can he have an affair when he only goes to work and comes home every day and never goes out and has no friends?

He does let me see his phone and email whenever i want and I do snoop when he isnt looking. There is nothing there.

Thanks.

We didn't say we were "positive." WE told you to check it because it is suspicious. Why do you question how a man has an affair when "he only goes to work and comes home......?" when you just told us OTHERWISE? Didn't you just tell us he worked on the weekend and went golfing? I thought you did. Do you want to read your post?

SEcondly, we have many people who have affairs at work and they have go to work every day and go home every night. Even the dumbest wayward can figure that one out.


Emails and phone calls are easily deleted. NOTHING you say here dispels my suspicions.

Odd how he has time and money to go golfing every month but you have no time or money to go out together. Golf comes before your marriage?

Hopeless,

Rather than thinking that you are getting "slammed", try this thought process: your husband is finding time and money for pleasure without you, and you are OK with that. Let's go with "no affair". Maybe not, maybe. The point is, you are NOT in an interdependent life. Not "lifestyle", but LIFE.

That, here at MBs, is called independent behaviour. You can read a LOT, all free, about the difference between independent behavior versus interdependent behavior. Have you read anything about that here?

Your acceptance of independant behaviour leads to a destruction of a foundation of marriage, and that may include an affair. In fact, that breeds an environment for an affair. You see? Read, girl. Read, read, and read some more.