Hi. This is my first post. I'm really hoping that sharing with other people that have gone through, or are going through, tough times will help me get through my own.

As the subject line suggests, I'm in a long-distance and messed up relationship. It's a long story, so I apologize in advance.

He�s a kiwi living in New Zealand. I�m a Canadian who was living over there for a year and a half. We were together for a year, during which time we lived together for four months and we also lived three hours apart for five months. He was not the most affectionate or demonstrative person, and though I love him, I often felt lonely and unloved. Despite the fact that our lives were very intertwined, the words �I love you� were never said. Though we hinted at a long-term future together, it was never seriously discussed since it was always a possibility that I would return to Canada.

I did come home to Canada for what was intended to be a six-week visit two months ago and was meant to be going back at the end of June. Two weeks into the trip, Kiwi dumped me over email (how adolescent does that sound?). Basically the email said that he didn�t really miss me, that maybe I would be better off in Canada, and I shouldn�t come back to NZ unless I had a plan.

I�ll admit, I hate conflict and unpleasantness, so though i should have picked up the phone and talked things over with him, I didn't. I opted instead to continue communicating via email, as did he. After a few more emails, it was clear to me that Kiwi didn't care that much and I just stopped replying. I was absolutely gutted. I loved him and I loved all that he had to offer me in terms of a life together.

Depressed and hurt, I went to visit friends in the city where I used to live. While I was there, everyone kept asking me if I was going to see my ex BF with whom I had broken up just before leaving Canada. I hadn't planned on it, but after spending a lonely week surrounded by my friends and their happy little families (while I had been away there was an explosion of marriages and babies) I did succumb and ended up meeting my ex for dinner.

Long story short, I ended up spending two nights and two days with him. I did think it was a bit too early to be jumping into bed with someone so soon after breaking up, but I figured Kiwi didn't really care what I did, and he was half-way across the world, and it was with someone I had history with, so for some reason it didn't feel like I was being loose with my morals.

It was quickly obvious that XBF and I weren't a love match (Which we knew when I left for NZ), and that, though we admire each other and get along, we would never be serious again. But we were both lonely and in need of affection at the time, so we had a fling and left it at that.

I finally decided to remain in Canada, since I couldn�t face the thought of being across the world from everyone I love, and in the same town as Kiwi after being dumped by him. I changed my ticket and quit my job.

A few days after returning to my mom�s, I got an email from Kiwi in which he gave me an update on his life (the first I�d received in more than two weeks). I thought that it was nice that he wanted to stay in touch despite our break up, so I wrote back to tell him that I was glad to hear from him and explained that I had decided to stay in Canada cause I hated the thought of being back there without him in my life.

Well, turns out that while I was mourning our relationship in the worst way possible (in someone else�s arms), he was blithely unaware that I thought he had dumped me. He had been patiently waiting for me and had thought that our lack of communication was just a case of �no news is good news� and that I was just enjoying family time and was coming back to start planning a life with him. When he found out I wasn�t coming back, he was extremely upset and told me that he loved me and had thought we were in it for the long haul. He even said that he had thought that we would get engaged in the next year.

When I found out that, not only had I accidently cheated on him (something I never would have imagined would be a part of my life), but that I�ve potentially ruined my chance at a happy marriage, I could have gladly died. I have never felt so awful in my life. I told him we needed to actually talk "face to face" and that he should get a Skype account.

When we talked on Skype, I didn�t immediately tell him about having slept with XBF. I figured that if he didn�t care to try and stay together without knowing about the accidental infidelity, then there was no need to hurt him with the news � if we were going to break up anyway, it wouldn�t have served any purpose. But when it became clear that he wanted to stay together and he was willing to wait even longer for me, I knew I had to tell him. I did dither a bit, but ultimately told him during that first conversation.

It was awful. He�s taken it so badly, understandably, and it�s been so hard to try and rebuild things. It�s been a month now and we�re still talking nearly daily, which I take as being positive, and in some ways, I think our relationship is stronger � for the first time we�re telling each other we love each other, we�ve brought up issues that we were reluctant to broach before. But it�s obviously difficult with the distance and the massive time difference. NZ is 16 hours ahead, and we�ve been struggling to find mutually convenient times to talk. It�s often not until 2:00 am for me that we can talk, so I�ve often not gotten to sleep until 5:00am.

At the same time, I�ve been unable to really get my life back on track. I�m staying in my mom�s basement and working part time at a deli for minimum wage (in my pre-NZ life I had a great job in the government). I�ve been applying for jobs, but I�m reluctant to actually take on a new job. If I do take on a �real� job, it means having to move to the city again, find an apartment, furnish it and get organized, but if I am to get back together with him, I�ll be moving back to NZ.

We keep talking in circles and I really think we need outside help. I�d love to go to counselling, but it�s difficult given our geographic situation, and the fact that at the moment, we�re both quite broke.

Obviously, we have some major communication issues to work through (which I think is as big of an issue as the infidelity), and he�s now lost all trust in me. To him, I was extremely dishonest, since I didn't immediately tell him that I'd slept with XBF and that I waited until the Skype call. I think I was really upfront with it all, but to him, it's not good enough. I'm hoping that with time he'll be more forgiving though, cause I know it's still really raw.

I�m working on meeting his need for more honesty (my upbringing was rather religious, and I think there�s a tendency to use white lies to keep things �pleasant� and keep various parts of myself hidden to not disappoint people) and also on communicating what I need (more affection from him, reassurance, etc.) But he�s adamant that to succeed, we need �a plan�, and I don�t quite know what that could be.

If anyone has any thoughts, ideas, advice or�anything, really, lay it on me.

Are you married?

No, but we are hoping to work towards that goal.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Hi Loupser,

I am a bit confused as to why you are here. You are not married and he dumped you over email. You didn't cheat and I don't think it's fair of him to use this against you or your relationship. He sounds completely immature and I wouldn't waste my time on him in the first place of I were you. You are not a stupid person, you come off as being well educated, so you knew that he dumped you via email. He made it clear. When he got bored with whatever he was doing in the time he didn't talk to you, he contacted you again. He came up with this story about waiting for you and blah blah blah, yet you had the complete opposite impression from him before. In my opinion, you did nothing wrong.

Loupser,

I agree. Hopefully, you read the link about buyers, renters and freeloaders.

My advice is to stay in Canada, get a good job, use this as a learning experience and look for a better marriage candidate. And be very thankful that you don't have children.

BTW, since you have a self-acknowledeged problem with honesty, take a look at the things Dr. Harley has written about dishonesty, liars and the policy of radical honesty. It will help in a future relationship.

AM

Glad to see you here.

First, forget about Kiwi boy. Dating relationship that didn't pan out. You're not married to him, you don't even live in the same hemisphere, it's over. You run back to an ex right when you think you're dumped, it's clear that you aren't ready for a serious relationship let alone marriage.

That's fine. You sound young. You sound not ready. There's nothing wrong with that.

This is Marriage Builders. You lived together, you guys lived apart, you complain you felt 'unloved' when only dating for a very short time, you ran to an ex, I don't see why you think this is the man you should 'work towards' marrying??? Surely he is not the only man on this planet.

Start with the MB materials about pre-marriage, about dating others to find a suitable partner, about living together, the Buyers, Renters link is fantastic and really... date around, work on yourself, and don't consider marrying this guy. You guys aren't a good match when young & unattached, throw in 3 kids, financial statements, marital discords, and you're a sure match for a divorce.

Are you one of those people who can't stand to be alone? Why do you sleep with an ex when you get dumped, and then try and get back together with this guy when it's obviously not a good match?

People who can't stand to be alone are the ones who make the crappiest choices in partner. Look around here - how many actual marriages suffer infidelity because they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place? You are not a good prospect for a wife at this time, since you feel the need to be with a guy no matter how bad the reality of the relationship is.

I don't know. I just see all these threads here about men whose wives commit adultery with ex-boyfriends and think... "Is this the mindset of those wives going into the marriage???" Obviously men do the same, but it seems more likely that some women can't let go of a miniscule emotional connection, tend to glorify tiny parts of an otherwise bad relationship, and jump ship to try and make something that it isn't.

I am not sure why this was posted on a marriage forum.

Seems to be a popular romantic notion these days that two lovers try to "work through their problems to get married", as if it was some sort of sign that they are actually better off than those who are just peachy-keen before the marriage. A Romeo & Juliet fantasy of true love prevails through all trials.

R&J being a fictional play, of course.

Having browsed through older threads, I guess it is just a more common renter mentality that a dating relationship is identical to being married and with kids etc. I read one where she was convinced that having their mutual dog meant they were in an actual parental partnership. I still have a giggle on my face.

The mind boggles.