sadsam, it is disrespectful for your husband to quote Bible verses at you and preach to you. That is a major love buster. You need to let him know that he is making love bank withdrawals in this way and that in order for you to be in love with him again (which will lead to you being able to meet his sexual fulfillment need) this kind of thing needs to stop.

I didn't say that she is doing a Marriage Builder recovery....see my quote.

Also exposure was done, over 2 months ago......everyone knows.
How can you judge my counselor, you have no idea who she is or how many marriages she has saved.

Sadsam .. the reason most likely is because statisticly speaking .. MC's usually only facilitate divorce and at best they encourage you to follow your FEELINGS. Feelings lie ... but with MB, feelings FOLLOW actions.

I have been to an MC and read tons about others ... Dr. Harleys own research about MCing proved to him that they have an 84% failure rate and the highest rate of divorce of any occupation.

MNG

P.S. plz go back and read my previous post.

Hi Marcos,
We talked a bit about love busters today.....I have to go work now but will post later.
Thanks

Hi MNG,
Yes I read your posts and will follow the links, thank you....I am at work at moment and don't have alot of time.

The reason I sounded a little testy replying to HDW is probably the exposure comment.
How many times do I have to say ....exposure done!!! That is the number one thing everyone says.
Kids, husband, parents, other mans wife, other mans boss, other mans current girlfriend and her husband, friends, pastor, sisters, work people (not that they care).........done.

Did you mention that he is being disrespectful to you, or did you talk around that issue?

I'm sure he would like to know that your sexual feelings for him probably can't return if he doesn't change this.

Please don't deny this man a happy marriage and happy sex life by HIDING the problem from him. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves honesty. He deserves to know where the target is so he can hit it.

No, I didn't mention that to him, I will try to talk about it tomorrow. I hesitate because I am pretty sure it will cause a fight, (I totally disrespected him with my choices)
Love Busters are a huge thing for us right now though....we are both guilty.

Wait, wait, wait...


He needs to work hard if he wants a serial adulteress back?



Honestly, what makes you safe for him to remain married to when you insist on remaining in a perpetual state of wayward fog and excuses?

Sadsam, I have seen you post this story on other sites, I am glade you finally found your way here. I am going to say things that will probably make you angry, but I hope might help wake you up.

You have said some really negative things about you BH, So why do you want to stay with him? Really. You are not sexually attracted to him and have to force your self to even let him hug you, Hon, you are so not worth it at this point in your life. I think you have confessed to your husband to ease your own guilt and by getting his forgiveness will make it all ok for YOU! For a BS Infidelity is worse than the death of a child, and you are a serial killer, The fact that your husband has anything to to with you says a lot of things about him, it looks like you have greatly misjudged him, haven't you? you said if you told him he would leave you, now look what he has done, took a leave from work to spend as much time with you as possible and is putting forth a tremendous amount of work in to this.WOW.
Just think for a minute, of all the pleasure, joy, happy times, work, experience,and effort you put into all your other men, If you had put that into your marriage where would you be NOW? Really think about that, all that you gave to other men. Now top it all off with still not wanting any sex with your husband, YOU are so not worth it.
Read wolf-pack-girl's struggle to repair her marriage. She is worth it.
What does your husband get if he remains with you? a woman who is so immorally tainted, who can lie and hide like the devil himself. who has some regret over her own feelings and has no true remorse for what she has done to her husband, and family. I say that you need to make your peace with god and leave your husband and never have contact with him. It is a fact that he will heal much faster with you gone from his life that to have to look at you every day and be reminded of a wasted life.
With out true remorse there is no hope for your marriage, you have shown some regret but i think it is mostly the selfish kind.

Perhaps you are thinking that he does not know me, and he can not know how i feel. I have a lot of good qualities, here is what i say about that. The devil has good qualities too, IE he is a hard worker, never gives up, very smart, and can have a very charming personalty, even beautiful, but he is rotten to the core. I know this is not what you want to hear, but for you to really have a chance at all you need to face up to what and who you are, Identify what has caused YOU to do this for 30 years and to get the help in fixing you no matter what your husband did, did not do, or is doing or will do.

To be fair, I'm not simply attempting to bash you here, the question is an important one;

What makes you a safe person for your husband to remain in a marriage with?

Don't fight with him. Just stop the conversation if it goes that direction. Then bring it up another time when you are both calm, restating again what he is doing and the effect it is having on you. Don't characterize him as "wrong" or "unjustified" or whatever. Just explain the cause and effect, matter of factly. Just explain how your feelings work.

Thank you ......you are so right. It doesn't make me angry though.......I just feel more worthless. He deserves so much better than me but he begs me to stay.

And yes, the remorse I feel is selfish. It hurts ME when I see the pain on his face, it hurts ME when I think of the pain the kids would feel if I left. It hurts ME to think of all the material things would be giving up.
I guess I have been trying to keep our family together without giving my husband what he needs to heal. (I know selfish again) It really is all about my kids. I know they are adults but it still kills me to see their pain (again ME)


I am not a safe person, he knows that and I know that.

I'm sorry .....I am probably just wasting your time here.

Sadsam .. Your not wasting anyone's time here if your willing to do what it takes to restore love in your marriage. MB CAN help you accomplish that.

Did you go over the links i gave you? Anything resonate? Any of it help you in your understanding of yourself and how you can learn to be the wife your hubby WANTS and NEEDS you to be? You have a very forgiving hubby .. dont take it for granted! Get to work on your marriage! YOU do the heavy lifting!

MNG

Edit to add minor detail

I think what HHH was saying is that you should become safe. That you should learn what it takes to be safe, and do that.

We did the emotional needs questionaire today.....didn't really go too well. He needs sex, honesty, and domestic support as top 3. I need family commitment, recreational companionship, and domestic support. At least we agreed on one. I will try to be more open and honest do more around the house. I used to be a great cook and spotless housekeeper......not sure what happened there. He will try to not lecture me if I am more open and honest.

Thats great Sadsam! Dr.harley stated (cant remember where). Our top needs are NOT of the intimate kind (IE: sexual fulfillment, affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship) that spouse is usually in a state of withdrawl and the very least in a state of conflict.

Check the needs often .. as they get better met you will find that your needs will change too. My wife and I re evaluate every 3 months.

You being open and honest begins and ends with you being open and honest.

Your feelings are your feelings, his "lectures" cannot change them.

And you should be open and honest. You should be transparent. These are things that will make him feel safe. That is why O&H is in his top 3 - you have demonstrated that you will lie, cheat, sneak, and steal.

Behave otherwise.

I have just been reading this thread by FindingFreedom. I know it is old, and she may never know, but it has given me hope tonight.
I am sitting here so bitter and angry at myself for what I did....How did it take me so many years to wake up????? Even today I said things to my husband that hurt him more. I haven't given him any hope at all, just more pain. Honesty??? Who am I kidding......I am still lying.....I want life to stop now. I can't believe who I have become.
Please pray for me tonight, I can't do this

Here's a clip of Dr. Harley talking about this very thing. Our EN can change over time and that's why he recommends doing the EN questionnaire from time to time.

Here.
Radio clip on Emotional Needs

I am starting to feel the remorse in your posts.

I will pray for you.

Jesus, please heal and mend this marriage. Please give strength and courage for those involved to do what is right and fix what is broken ... lord .. you know their hearts ... soften them and get them to open to each other.

Amen.