Mel .. have I ever told you that your awesome!?



I get plenty now ..... i usually dont have to initiate or complain .. or anything anymore. Our UA time is fantastic.. my 14YO daughter is very helpful in that regard ... and very MB oriented. She says things to us like "hey ... you guys going to get in some of your UA time this evening? I will go to bed early for ya, or you guys can go out and i will look after my brother!"

AFter our 14YO got dragged through grandmas affair junk ... and we got rid of grandma and tuned our family into what TRUTH was and keeping our family unit sacred ... dd14 has changed TONS for the better.

DD14 even Mows the lawn and i didnt even have to ask! I came home from work on several occasions to find many chores done as does my wife find this aswell for alot of the inside things...

edit to add minor detail.

See that's the thing. We have a fabulous time on date night, holding hands, a few kisses. Each time I think I'm home free. I don't beg, I act as if it's no big deal to me, but it never turns out that way. I've never seen a girl go from flirtatious to "you get nothing" so easily as if it's no big deal.

That is because you are still working against an AVERSION and your lovebank is in the RED. Once it gets in the black, that will change. What will bring you there is CONSISTENT scheduling over a period of time. [8 to 10 weeks]

Consistency and hitting the 20+ mark will get you there. She won't feel like it at first but she will after awhile.

20+ is not happening. It took forever to get her to buy into "date night" which we do on Fridays. Between that 4 hours and about another 10 or so mixed throughout the week we are close to 15. I'll see if she is interested in Date Night + Workout Night to push it up a bit.

NOt sure if you read ML .. but to mention MB in Hills home is a LoveBuster to his wife.

Hes in a really tough spot.

I feel really bad for him and know exactly how he feels. Hence why I am all over this thread. I would love to see Hills marriage turned around as mine was in a similar state just over a year ago or so.

MNG

That makes two of us MNG!

What do you do for those "other 10?" Are you meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs during that time?

It takes 20+ hours of UA time to fall in love and 15 to MAINTAIN. Like you have heard 1000 times, this program does not work without that step.

It sounds to me like you don't get enough time together that is necessary to maintain the love in marriage. Most people absolutely REFUSE to meet UA time and then they wonder why the program doesn't work.

No, it's not a lovebuster at all. And please note I didn't tell him to mention Marriage Builders anyway. All he needs to do is counsel with Steve Harley and let STEVE tell him how to get her on the phone.

hilltopper, you need to stop messing around and step it up here. The things you have done have not worked. Let Steve Harley sell her on the concepts of Marriage Builders. That is your only hope as far as I can see.

MNG, if you want to help this guy, you need to help him focus on Marriage Builders. That is the ONLY way his marriage will make it.

First, I commend you for working so hard. It's not easy doing the right thing - especially when you don't see results right away.

You said you think you're "home free." This concerns me, because it sounds like a man who is doing all this stuff just to get sex. I don't know too many women who are attracted to men who do things just to get in their pants. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting your quote, but if this is your motive in "having a fabulous time" she will pick up on it, and shut down.

Right now you're trying to date your wife again...get her to fall in love with you. I doubt you expected to "get some" after your first date with her. It's only been 8 days since your last DJ...she's still trying to decide whether she can trust you, or let you in again emotionally. From her perspective, it's only been a week...and maybe she's just worried, waiting for the next DJ. It will take time and consistent caring behavior to convince her that you are for real.

I know, I know...she's your wife! Husbands and wives are "supposed" to have sex, right? But she is asking herself: "Does he care for me? The way he promised on our wedding day? Or does he just want me to care for him?"

One more thing. You said, "We have a fabulous time on date night..." Perhaps you have a good time. You might want to ask her how SHE feels about your time together. Not only will she feel cared for by your asking, she will definitely feel cared for when you listen and respond by doing things that ensure that she has a fabulous time.

You are getting stronger every day, becoming more the person you are meant to be. Her unwillingness is actually your stepping stone to becoming more patient, more caring: more the husband she wants and needs.

You've also been lovebusting. No amount of meeting her EN will work if you are still lovebusting. This will take TIME. Time for her to heal from your lovebusting, and time for you to fill her lovebank to the point that you can't keep her off of you.

There is nothing wrong with a man meeting his wife's emotional needs in hopes that she will, in turn, meet his.

Marriage is about mutual care.

Totally agree, when they are both in love. She's not in "mutual care" mode yet - she's in withdrawal - and if he is giving just to "get" then this may be shutting her down.

He needs to prime the pump.

Priming the pump does not mean having no expectations that your needs will eventually be met.

Your suggestion here is unconditional love.

He shouldn't be demanding that she meet his needs, definitely. But he doesn't need to give up the expectation that they will eventually be met. To give up that expectation would be demotivating, as well as setting them up for an unsustainable situation - unconditional love on his part.

You don't bring a person out of withdrawal or conflict by giving up all expectations. You do it by meeting your spouses needs on a consistent basis, without lovebusters, with the expectation that your needs will eventually be met.

This is exactly what Jennifer told us to do. In our case the problem was not emotional connection but my W's energy levels, so Jennifer told us to schedule SF for W's times of highest energy, and for her to plan her energy usage accordingly.

We used to have the problem of her burning herself up doing gardening or house cleaning all day and having nothing left for me at night. Now as a SAHM with 3 small kids it's more difficult, but I have some flexibility in my job and can take a morning during the week when the kids are at camp/preschool, and another night on the weekend when she's had an "easy day" and has some energy left when the kids are in bed.

I would much prefer spontaneity, but we came to realize that if it wasn't scheduled and planned for it wasn't going to happen. I don't have to initiate and be rejected again, she doesn't have to feel like the 'bad guy' for rejecting me...both win.

Hill mentioned a day that his W had promised SF that night but went to the gym for what sounded like a draining workout. That triggered me to thinking about energy levels.

Hill! ... Buddy!

**edit**

No DJ's today? Hows your wife doing? Hows the kids doing?

MNG

You are right and it won't work if we watch tv or do something that doesn't meet the 4 most important emotional needs. I got my wife to agree to go to gym for a couple of spin classes during the week. We can stretch those sessions out to 2 hours if we stretch and do some other workouts. At night time I need to change the habits of tv watching and replace it in part with something that engages my wife. This will be no easy task I assure you.

I totally see what you are saying. I've complained to her about the no sex thing for a long time so even when I don't complain its kind of already "out there" so to speak. We do have a fabulous time, that is not speculation because she'll tell me so.

I can say that there are signs. She looks at me different I'd say.

I used to think marriage was about unconditional love until I came here. There are reasons why I thought I should get what I wanted out of marriage without having to do anything deserve it. I think this was what I learned from my parents to a degree, or maybe something I made up myself to justify my behavior.

This is a big thing here. My wife and I have both intentionally chosen to be endurance athletes. This takes a lot of time and can compromise a marriage if not done carefully. Difference with us is that I work for myself and time is NOT an issue. Either we work out together, or she does at 5am, or I do 2 in the afternoon. We are together for family time by 5pm and alone with each other about 8pm each night.

Energy however could be a big problem for her. I have a hard time getting her to be intimate at all, let alone any other time other than late at night. By late at night she is exhausted and sometimes I am as well. I have no problem planning sex and neither does my wife but I don't think we can plan at night any more.